So once again it is New Year's Eve. Of course I'm browsing the internet, as always. I personally can't (and don't want to) believe that 2011 is over (well, almost). It's been an odd year... full of things that I can't explain. Of course I've detailed much of it here. Maybe not all of it, but the stuff that matters.

I think I've given up on making resolutions. I know I'll never keep 'em, so what's the point of making them in the first place? Sure I should make some changes in my life, but it's already going to change a lot this coming year anyway. I just need to be able to have a strong head on my shoulders.

I could go on about how I'm going to leave this past year behind and make this coming year awesome and amazing. But I've seen enough optimistic facebook posts already. I don't need to bring it to my blog. I have hope that it'll be a good year, but we can only wait to find out.

Ok, so I'm not in the best of moods this evening. It's New Year's Eve though, why WOULD I be happy? I dunno... I'm just... eh.

I'm doing this post early this year because it's Saturday and I have to be up early tomorrow morning.

Mrrrhhh... I dunno. I should be sleeping. I really should. I kinda wanna sleep so I could possibly have a really cracky Doctor Who dream. I mean, I've only been obsessively watching for the past three days. I want to catch up and finish the season. I'm close. So close.

*cuddles koala bear* It's so time for bed.

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,
but to save the world through him.
-- John 3:17

Ok, fine, I'm irrevocably obsessed with Doctor Who even though I'm a little late to the party. Late and with no banana. So I can't do episode synopsis...es... nor can I explain where famous quotes come from or any of that. David Tennant is one sexy man and I love watching him act.

I watched Doctor Who all day today instead of all the other things I was supposed to be doing. No regrets. I may even do it tomorrow. But my break is almost over and it makes me sad. Though I'm not sure how I'd cope with a longer break. I do need to be getting up and DOING stuff. But I'm lacking all sorts of motivation.

Just one paper. That's all I have to do. But I'm probably not. I've had to do it for awhile now. I just don't have a topic. Oh well. It WILL get done before I go back home. I promise myself. Even if I get a strike of brilliance at nearly 2AM- I will write it down and get my sources before going to bed. I WILL.

Anyway. I guess it's been a good break so far. There were some touch and go moments earlier, but I think I'm OK for now. I honestly can't wait to get back to school. Sort of.

I just realized that I may not have time for everything I wanted. But, only time will tell.

I kinda sorta just wish I had a day to sew things. And the ideas to sew. But alas, I don't really have either.

I also want a day to write. With ideas to write as well. I do have some ideas, but I can't make myself focus on them. Gah. The internet. So tantalizing.

Anyhow. I have one last book that I HAVE to finish before break is over. About 300-some pages to read. I can do it in a day if I just sit and read all day. Which I've been known to do.

I also need to do scholarships. But I dun wanna. But I WILL. I promise.

I feel the need to re-watch "Avatar: The Last Airbender". I really don't know why, but it's been awhile since I've seen it. It's time to re-watch before Korra....

I'm really lousy about sleeping. I've been going to bed at ungodly hours the past few days. I almost napped on the couch earlier. So I should probably return my schedule back to something reasonable. Possibly starting tonight. It's my goal to be off the internet (I might read) by 1AM. Yes. That's actually fairly early considering the 3 and almost 4AM that I've been doing.

I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm kinda fading in and out. I should sleep well tonight. I'll probably go to sleep earlier than I thought because I can feel a headache forming. The only way I can really get rid of them is to sleep.

Yeesh, this is becoming one of my longer blogs in awhile, isn't it? I'm kinda happy so maybe that's why. A touch hyper, but over all happy. It's weird being happy. It's just... I'm not quite used to it. Which is really sad because I used to be really happy. I was a happy child and I had more happy moments even in high school. For some reason I've been more apathetic or even upset lately. I don't care to pinpoint my troubles because that's just focusing on the bad. I want to focus on the good. I want to be happy.

Anyhow. I had a thought but how it's escaped. Oh no.

Aye. The new year is almost here. I'm scared of what's to come. But I will wait with patience. It will all come in due time.

I'm sort of looking forward to February. It's when I know for sure if I can go to Carroll or not.

I'm wondering when my niece and sister are coming to town. I know my mom said later in January but I forgot the exact date.

I've been browsing through a few people's tumblr's because it fills a fangirliness bit inside of me.

But seriously. I want to see my niece. She is so adorable and awesome and I just.. yes. I just wanna see her.

Ok. I think my thoughts have finally run out. Time to lull myself to sleep by reading!

Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him
up.
-- Romans 15:2

There comes a moment in your life where you have to evaluate what you have. I'm at the point where I'm grasping at straws. I'm not sure where my life is going exactly. I'm not quite sure what I've been blessed with and what I've been cursed with. I'm not sure about a lot of things.

I know I've been blessed with an amazing family and even more amazing friends. I live in a comfortable life. I don't really have anything to be upset about.

And yet I find a way. I find some way to take my good life and make it seem bad. It's not like I'm going through anything particularly terrible. I know my life isn't horrible and I'm not exactly whining that it's awful. I'm just hurting. I want something from life that I don't think I can get just yet.

I don't even know why I'm hurting this badly anyway. I want to scream out so many obscenities and say so many terrible things to/about David. But you know what? I'm not. I'm not even going to write them here. I feel like I should be better than that. And I will be better than that. I will.

However, it's clear to me that I'm not completely over some things just yet. Lets go allll the way back to September when I freaked out about my dad's schizophrenia. I had a little break down a few nights ago and I confided in a friend that it still was off-putting for me. It's not like there's a real difference in my dad, but when I was sitting in church alone last Sunday, it wasn't right. I felt so alone. I would much rather be squished between my parents, no matter how annoying I may find it. I can't stand the feeling that sometimes I'm being watched.

I mean, I'm proud of my dad rising up and taking care of himself when my mom can't be there for him. My mom has been putting in so much work and effort just to keep the family going. She has worked so much these past few days, I'm scared for her. She knows that all this work isn't good for her. She is taking two sick days (this is her first, tomorrow is her second) followed by her day off. Granted, she is going to be working holidays, but it's not that long.

I'm feeling extreme guilt for taking and taking so much. I feel like I'm just a burden most of the time. Nobody needs to try to tell me differently.

This talk about college scares me. I was told that going to my top choice would make me unhappy, and that the school I'll probably end up going to anyway is the best for me. I want to make my own decision... but I'm so scared. It keeps hitting me that I could be going out of state. By this time next year I could be sitting in my brother's house, petting his cats. I could be so far removed from all my friends... I'm just not sure anymore.

Then again, what if I stay in state? What will happen to me then?

I know all of these troubles aren't really worth the worry I place on them. Sure other kids go through the same things and come out fine. I should be one of them. But I'm not. How is someone supposed to accept the fact that one of her parents is being worked further into sickness? That one parent could potentially snap again at a singular moment?

College money is almost the least of my worries at this point.

This marks the third night in a row that I've cried. I know I'm being emotional. But I just want some comfort. I literally just want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me cry. I want someone to be able to be there for me.

I don't know why I'm so weak when I'm alone. It's not like it's a new state for me. I used to be strong and independent. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I'm just tired....

What a way to end the year, eh? Just a few more days until Christmas and I'm feeling like Scrooge. I want the holidays to be over.

Otherwise my break has been OK. I'm currently reading my fifth book, and hope to be done with it soon. (I'm roughly halfway).

It's been nice to sit back and not have a schedule.

I... I think I've said pretty much everything I need to.

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest
heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on
it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything,
and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
-- Nehemiah 9:6

It's not like I'm all too surprised about this. I saw it coming a mile away. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I guess I'm not quite over it. I'll try to be happy, but I'm not sure it's happening. Time. That's all I need. I just need more time. I also need a distractor. I mean I do... but not to the depth that I want it. Oh well.

All vagueness aside.... my ex is now in a new relationship (or so I think. It's the girl that changed her status on Facebook...). But I know the girl, and I've seen how he acts. If he isn't dating her at this point I'm a little surprised. But I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I'm on vacation. Oh lovely vacation...

It snowed a lot today. And it's gonna keep doing so.

I don't want it to snow. I hate snow. It's probably keeping me from seeing a friend tomorrow.

My finals went... OK. 73 On my math; right in the range I figured. 60% on my English multiple choice (but 100% on Short answer and like 85% on the essay). And I don't know about any of my others. So all in all, not a bad finals week.

Well, except for the fact that I probably made myself sick over them the weekend before. I'm just that awesome.

Sooo...

Merry Christmas everyone!

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought
us into the kingdom of the Son he loves...
-- Colossians 1:13

It's all this fighting. This fighting just makes life worse. If I'm going to be an adult, shouldn't I be treated like one? Why should I be held accountable for something that's not going to impact their lives?

Yes, another fight about scholarships. I'm getting sick and tired of it. I shouldn't have to tell her everything I'm doing or not doing. It should just suffice that I actually do them. I don't lie about it either. And when I say I have done them, I have to prove it.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. Oh well. I better get used to it, right?

At least I start my vacation on the 16th.

Finals next week... I'm scared. I haven't studied. Well, I've started to study for my English one. I'm not sure how well this is going to prepare me....

I just need some intense review for my math final. I can do it. I know I can.

But otherwise, I'm tired. I'm so tired. Like physically I'm not sure how I'll make it through the week. Somehow I'll find a way. It's all about surviving.

In other news... I've found a bit of happiness. I can't really explain it. I mean, it's not that I don't have the words, but it's just something I'd rather have private.

Hopefully all is well with everyone else!

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our
faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning
its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-- Hebrews 12:2

You learn something new every day.

Apparently my parents knew each other (or dated or SOMETHING) for three months before they decided to get married. They've been married about 33 years.

My oldest sibling is going to turn 33 in March. Hmmm....

haha.

Tonight's been a good night. I did not fight with my family, nor did anyone else fight. The food was good and I got stuff done.

Overall, this Thanksgiving was amazing. Best I've had in years.

There does come a moment when you have to think about all the things that are good in your life. And I did.

First and foremost. I was glad that I woke up. Happy. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I wasn't feeling the deepness of depression. I was happy. That alone made my day.

Family. Sure I complain about them all the time, but I don't know what I'd do without them. They are my life. I love 'em and I can't imagine life without them. They work so hard at everything they do. They are the selfless ones.

Of course my friends. Without them I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am right now. They've taken me places. I'm also grateful for how much they love. I am continually amazed by them. They're pretty much the best things ever.

Despite how it fails, my health.

Every single privilege I have. School. Being literate. Having a car. Having a house. Having food. Being able to stay warm. Knowing that I'm safe. All of this. I can't imagine my life any different.

I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my
name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his
reward.
-- Mark 9:41

So... it's the day before Thanksgiving. It's the time when everyone thinks about the things they're grateful for, and maybe even reflect upon the past year.

I'm amazed at how much things have changed in a year. About this time last year I made the same trek, feeling almost exactly the same way. However, for two very different reasons. Last year I was angry and upset because of work. This year it's because of a fight. Unlike last year, I didn't cry on the way home. Life has been stupid, crazy, and amazing this last year.

This long weekend is also the time I take for myself. I'm angry, frustrated, and irritated and I don't want to have to deal with people. So I won't. This will be a very family focused next few days. And homework orientated because I'm a slacker.

Sometimes it doesn't look like it, but I'm extremely thankful for the life I live. And it was just proven to me that I act like a total brat sometimes. I'm just used to getting my way.... as well as being left alone.

I need to refocus. I need to stop and think of how my life is going, and where my life is going. I'm also a little terrified. It's something stupid, so I'm not going to detail it. But my future is... well... now my dream from before makes even more sense.

I hope that all of you have an amazing Thanksgiving!

Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.
-- 1 Corinthians 10:24

Sometimes I hate being everybody's therapist.

I also hate when people continually whine to me about the same things over and over again.

People just annoy the heck out of me. I need a weekend alone sometime soon. Ugh.

Oh well. I'm going to try not to be irritated....

*Sigh*

I finished NaNo today. Story isn't done, so I'll still be working til the end of the month, just not has hard.

I don't really wanna post while I'm in such a bad mood. So.... later. Or never.
Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law.
-- Psalm 119:18

So it's Monday morning and I'm doing all that I can to make this a happy day. I finished my quilt last night and just have some clean-up things to take care of. I am taking a break from NaNo writing (I'm just past 34k, I think I can take a morning off), I curled my hair (even though by the time I get to school it's going to be completely flat), and I'm listening to Needtobreathe. So far it should be a good day, but I can't say. I'll probably fall and hurt something.

This weekend was kinda iffy, but talking about it is not a good idea. I'll just say I had a productive Friday. Days off are nice. I feel considerably less stressed right now.

I'm trying not to give in to this foul mood that seems to want to be plaguing me.

I've started meditating before I go to bed. It's nice, but then again I'm only on day two. I'm also trying to see if I can do... anything to help get rid of my hip/knee pain. So far it's not working, but I need a few weeks.

Otherwise, life isn't bad. Not for me at least. For some of my other friends it's been hard, but I feel removed from the situation. I'll just continue to be a friend and be there for him.

I had a few dreams this past weekend. They weren't anything astounding. But overall one of them (the one I remember most) is basically affirming the fact that I am in control. I know where I'm going (well, almost) and I'm going to be facing any obstacles with confidence. It feels weird to have a dream that says that, but I think it's true. For once I'm ready to make my own decisions and I'm going to do what I want.

I got an acceptance letter from Loyola on Thursday. That makes three, and I'm really excited about it. Two more to go.

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you
do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an
inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of
your faith, the salvation of your souls.
-- 1 Peter 1:8-9

I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. On purpose. I'm doing little 'life reevaluation' and it's not going so well. But, that's beside the point.

I have no idea when I last posted, so I'll just say that Halloween was alright. I had a long day and I crashed so early. But I found and wore obnoxious orange tights so it was cool. I guess. I dunno what I'm saying anymore...

Life, in general, has been ok. The pain started coming back on Friday, so I have to try to not think about it. Or figure out what's wrong.

I'm terrified about college, as per usual.

I'm doing NaNo, despite the fact that I really shouldn't. I'm about 18k into it, so I'm making pretty good progress.

Uhmm... yeah. I should be writing right now but I'm procrastinating. I can afford to, but I wanna keep up the momentum.

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have
redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy
dwelling.
-- Exodus 15:13

I should not be up. I should be sleeping. I didn't have 'lights off' until after midnight. Why? Well... I wrote a poem. And I read some of my old stuff. But here's the poem:

How can I lie,
How can I say-
This doesn't hurt anymore?
I cry in the darkness
I beg, I pray
For someone to hear me
But in the darkness...
No one hears my wails
In the darkness
No one is supposed to
For the darkness
is
consuming
all of me
I lament the loss
I crawl and grope
I seek out your familiar face
To touch... to hold
But I know you're gone
Like my childhood, you slipped away
Hell and damnation play at my fingertips
There is only so far...
In the grave I've dug,
I lay.
Angels to take me
Whisk me off.
Maybe they can fill my heart again
But it will be in vain.
For I will always remember your
Your smell, your smile, your heartbeat beneath my hands
I almost wish...
There is fire in your soul
Black spots your name
You can wipe yourself clean
I am doomed
For you I wish the best
Your everlasting joy
Pangs me the rest of my days
The lies
They hurt
They wound more than the truth
I cannot lie
I cannot say
It hurts no more
For I am lost
Out of touch
The fire dying out
My old demons poke
Pricking with their claws
Drawing blood
Wet, stick and delicious on their hands
They haunt my old fears
Hand stitched seams ripped wide open
Exposing the ugly
They expose everything I am-
Fiendish
Broken
Alone
I am no longer the person I was
I am retreating
You are moving forward
Into the light you go
Banish the darkness from your life
I can no longer enjoy the light
I shy from the flame
I have learned its games
I dare not get burned
Not again
I sit away
Taking my assault
I come battered and bruised
I feel no more pain
It matters no more
You have gone away,
No longer my protector
I fight my losing battle
I can't win with only half
I need to be whole
But I wait in darkness
Never seeing the face of my attackers
I wait and I cry
There have been no passerby
No one to lend
Just one hand
Just to steady my resolve
I cannot lie
Just this once
I'll admit
I need you
I miss you
I'll love your forever more
I'm not ready to give up
Not just yet
I will see the light again.
I just beg it to be your hand
that leads me there
I want to see the light
I want to see it with you
I want and I want
But I will never get
A second chance
That would be much too much to ask
Would it not?
I want and I want
But the darkness consumes
I lay in wait
For my angels
They will take me away
They will make me forget
Every tear, bruise and scar
Will vanish
I will no longer cry in the darkness
I will no longer be lost without light
I will no longer waste away
I will no longer pray for another chance
I will no longer wish for your hand
I will no longer want my other half
I will no longer dig myself deeper
There is so much left to do
There is much I cannot stop
I will wait
I will not scream
I will not beg
I will no longer
be
________________________________________________

So yeah, it was a long one. I can't say how I managed to write all of this. I went to go see my friend(s) in a play last night. The Crucible (or, as the admin likes to think- The Crucibal). It was good. Eerie and chilling. I didn't get home until after 10 because I stayed and talked with my friend Melody. It was pretty nice.

The poem no doubt stems from the play. I mean, David was sort of an important part. It hurt, just a little bit. Especially the end. I was warned that it would happen. I saw it coming the entire play. Doesn't mean it hurt any less. But I take pride in that I was his first ever kiss.

It also hurt a little bit to hear the name "Elizabeth" come from his mouth so much. Deep down I still respond to it, and it was so hard to keep myself even. But I managed. I also felt sorry for the boy because he was so sick. Everyone could tell, but he was a trooper. He made it through a whole three hour play. I hope he gets better fast.

I finished the pretty layer of my quilt the other day. I actually was going to do this big ol' post on it when I finished, but I had no time. I was going to express these lovely thoughts on how sewing is a release for me. I get a chance to think and contemplate. But it often brings me down a terrible road. I had to let it sit aside for awhile due to time constraints... but I picked it up again and finished it. I find it a little coincidental that I worked on it almost exactly a month after I pretty much lost the best thing of my life. That is, considering I started the quilt as a way to deal with my emotions.

I guess you can say I'm not over it, not just yet. I know he is. I'm not. I'm still a little broken on the inside. I still feel a little empty. But there is nothing I can do to bring him back to me. There is nothing left to save.

Anyway, I got my second college acceptance letter. ENMU and Carroll University. I'm waiting for Loyola.

I'm scared and upset. I'm tired and lonely. I can't believe that I'm still like this a month later. I am wondering if I'll ever be truly okay. I know I will, but when? I need something. I need an answer. But I know I'll never get one. College can not come soon enough. Maybe once I move I'll see someone new. Or at least I'll be shocked into something and I won't worry about this anymore.

Anyway, I sprained my ankle on Monday. By Thursday I was clear to drive and walk without a brace. I have some bruises, but they're edging away. It's like I can't have a break. One week I have a panic attack, the next I fall down stairs.

I'm terrified for NaNo. I'm aiming low this year- I don't have much time. Maybe 10k if I'm lucky.

Overall.... I don't know. I think this covers my bases.

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one
comes to the Father except through me."
-- John 14:6

I'm not sure if I've ever brought this up; but one of my favorite venting forms is doing this whole 'unsent letter' type deal. Even though I'm fairly mentally sound right now, I think I DO need to get some stuff out of the way. So, I shall type up some letters I'll never send!

Dear sis,
I had a panic attack on Thursday while you were gone. It was a pretty long one... like 40 minutes. I don't know why it happened, but you need to know. I'm getting scared that I'm starting to break. It shouldn't have happened, I hope you realize. I'm really not that stressed. But I think I needed someone. Even if it was you. I need you to believe me on some things. Like my pain. Today, ironically enough, has been my most pain free day. It's not cool to be in pain all the time and not be able to tell you. Anyway, I'm glad that we haven't been fighting a whole lot lately. Maybe we're finally growing up. Or we just don't see each other that often. Either way, it helps.
~Liz

Dear College,
WHY MUST YOU BE SO EXPENSIVE?! ARG. I shall NEVER be able to pay for you!!!
~Frustrated

Dear Tim,
At first I was upset that you were going to step back, but now I'm happy. I don't need the stress you gave me. I can finally do what I wanted; focus on school. I wish you didn't step on so strong. However, I DO care for you and I'm glad that you just might care for me as well. Nothing will happen because I don't want to have a relationship right now. But I do smile a little bit when you're around.
~Liz

Dear David,
There's lot of things I wish I could say to you. First of all is that what happened to being friends? Last time I checked this is NOT how you treat friends. But whatever. I'm still a little torn up, but I think it for the best that we broke up. I miss having someone so close to my heart, but I think I'm finally moving on... about three weeks later. I'm upset that I've moved on so quickly. It's like my heart threw you out like you were nothing. At least a year was spent with me swooning over you, and half of that I was with you. I still love you, but I'm not sure it's in the same way that I did. I just wish you'd still talk to me. I'm not gonna push. Maybe I still wish you cared about me like you used to. I wish you cared about my mental health and actual health as well. I still wish you the best; but I know you're whole. You don't need my concern. You're carrying on just fine.
~Liz

Dear Sarah,
Thank you so so so so much for caring. I know I bother you quite a bit, but I'm glad you put up with me. Your concern and ability to read me is amazing. Thank you. You know I'm always here for you, so don't hesitate. We'll be friends for a long while.
~Liz

Dear self,
Thursday is complete evidence that you need to take a chill pill! Sleep well, take care of yourself and don't stress out too much.I know it's in your nature to over work, but it's OK to step back and have a little fun. You CAN do your work and still hang out with friends. In the end you will be OK.
~:)

Anyway, I had a loooong panic attack on Thursday, started just after 6, ended shortly before 7. Yesterday was pretty bad as I tried not to cry and I was running on really BAD sleep. I woke up early this morning to do fall frenzy at my school and then ended up having a lot of fun with my friends after. We got the majority of my halloween costume and clothes that I really don't but kinda do need. I found a trench coat!!! :D (And Goodwill had an amazing sale today so I spent less than $5 on my stuffs).

I was productive today in homework. I'm doing well now. I'm tired, but that's OK.

I'm doubting my ability to do NaNo this year; but I'm gonna try. I'll probably aim for something like 10k to MAYBE 25k. I have no plan and no time. If November lends itself to a lot of free time, I'm gonna do it.

Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in
honour preferring one another;
-- Romans 12:10

GAH. BOYS.

I've been contemplating this for awhile...

But for a little while there's been this guy that's been flirting all hardcore with me. At first I joked and played along with it. When things went in a direction I didn't want it to go, I started to put my foot down and wanted him to stop. Finally, he heard me and now I'm wishing he didn't.

I wish I could say something, but I'm having a hard time composing my thoughts

School is school and I guess I've been OK. Sleeping a bit more than usual...

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of
wisdom.
-- Psalm 90:12

It's Friday!!! Goodness. I've had the worst possible week. Well, maybe not WORST, but it's been pretty awful. I haven't been feeling great at all and just been super stressed out. However, I managed to sleep a little last night so I'm doing pretty well.

I'm listening to Needtobreathe's new album and I'm in love <3. I've only listened to 9 songs and I've already found 3 that are amazing. Something about this band is just... I dunno. They're good. They've changed, but they're still the band I love. I'm not even sure how I got started liking them.

Anyway, I'm starting NaNo planning tomorrow! Eeeee... I love October for this reason.

I can't really have a long post today. I need to head to school in a little bit.

He who despises his neighbor sins, but blessed is he who is kind
to the needy.
-- Proverbs 14:21

I've always protested that I never want kids. I know I'd be an awful mom. Despite it all, I'm probably the most maternal in my group of friends. It's quite sad really.

I mean, I'm the one who will sit and listen to problems, I will try my hand at advice, I tend to be protective of people, and in general I'm a supporter. Not to mention the fact that I can bake amazingly. :P

When you seriously look at group dynamics, I am the one that kinda floats around. I'm the comforter, I tend to give out hugs to console (and because I love hugs). I will protect; I've even put myself between two people in order to do so. A lot of this is just kinda "jokingly", but it still highlights the real personality.

I just find it weird that I act like this. The one behavior I find really odd is when someone leaves my house; if I'm not taking them home, I ask them to tell me when they do get home. I'm not sure why.... maybe it's because I'm so used to my parents asking me to do it that I just passed it on...

In other news; I am making a quilt. I spent like 3 hours yesterday just cutting the squares and laying them all out. I think it's going to look pretty awesome. I just need to start sewing them all together. 431 squares. 24 rows, 18 columns. (It's going to be roughly 72''X96''... a full-size mattress). I'm actually looking forward to sewing it all together. It'll keep me busy! It also gave me an inspiration for my NaNo. That I should start planning soon. I always tell myself that I start planning in October. One month. That's all I allow myself.

Some less than stellar events happened; mostly the fact that I'm now single. But, I think it is for the better.

I'm starting to feel good again. Friday I was the happiest I've been in a long time. I was incredibly tired, but over all I was happy. It's surprising that the thing that should be making me sad.... actually seem to be having the adverse effect. Sure, I'm still upset, but it's not as heart-breaking as I thought it would be. Yeah, I still love him, but part of loving him so much is to let him be happy too.

Anyway; I should have a college acceptance/rejection letter before October is over. So scared.

I'm still tired. As long as school is happening, I will be tired. But life still goes on.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the
wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of
mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law
he meditates day and night.
-- Psalm 1:1-2

I'm starting to slip back into something I don't want. It's starting to become noticeable to my friends (or at least one of them), and I really don't want it to be true.

But I need to sleep! It's a whole "chicken and egg" debacle. What happened first? My lack of sleep or depression? I mean, they often go hand in hand. I don't sleep, I start eating less, I try to nap during the day, my focus goes elsewhere/I don't have any (so grades slip and I stop caring), and so on. My pain (physical and emotional) tend to contribute to this as well so I just become a big bag of "don't mess with me".

Anyway, I am in the top 15% of my class in terms of GPA. :D Hopefully that gets me some awesomesauce scholarships at out of state schools.

Uhmm... friend's birthday tomorrow... Still frustrated with my boy... I actually wrote a poem that I may/may not give him. (Err... technically 6 months coming up, but things have been so weird lately I'm not even sure it's that big of a deal anymore.)

A simple word
A magnificent smile
All I needed from you

Something started again
Better than before
Patched up and beating still

Lovelorn cliches
Picture perfect love
Became my life

I love you's
Whispering in my brain
Bouncing off the golden yellow walls

Smiles so wide
The feel of you
Stuck in memories

Endless summer nights
All in worry
Filled with wants

Ticking away
Starting all over
Marked days pass on

Tug after tug
It hurts still
But patched and beating still

Still confused
What to do..
I wait.

You are
Every chliche
Lovesick love song

Frustrating
Loveable
Amazing

Beyond me
You existbl
I can't let go, even if I tried

Self-concious worry
I hate to cling
Hate to impose

But there is something more
Three simple words.
I. Love. You.

Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is
not wise to ask such questions.
-- Ecclesiastes 7:10

I really need to stop these early morning posts.

I'm tired. I need sleep. When I get like this I'm really upset for no reason, and I'm just kinda crabby.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Things are going OK! I know they are. School is no big deal, I'm doing what I can to get by. I'm trying to do well...

But I'm feeling a little lonely. I'm feeling removed from people, and I don't know how to change it. I'm feeling removed, but I don't want to be with people either.

Actually, there's only one person I want to be around. But how he's been treating me lately... I shouldn't want to be around him. He isn't worth it. But my heart says otherwise. This is seriously someone I love... if only I could spend some time with him... and only him.

I'm just kinda lovesick I guess.

I promise I'm not really depressed. I'm just kind out of it. I need something to make me happy again...

In the midst of all my "worries" one of my friends wants to try his old relationship over again. It's nice that he cares so much about her that he's willing to wait until she's ready again. But she may not be... I feel like I'm part of a sitcom with a ton of drama. I DO hope they can get back together because it was truly adorable. I need someone to be happy.

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will
soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they
will walk and will not be faint.
-- Isaiah 40:31

Last night was Homecoming. It was actually pretty mellow. I wasn't feeling too great so I ended up resting for half the night. But regardless, I think it was nice. We all got to just relax for a little bit.

There was some serious discussion and I guess it kinda let people know that things aren't ok. My boyfriend went to the actual dance. He did not ask me to go with him. However, his rationale is sound. I don't like dances. I don't like the loud music and being crowded into a gym with people I don't like or don't know. He already knew that and didn't bother asking. Yet.... it still would have been nice if he did. Would I have said no? I have no idea. But in the end, I'm glad he didn't ask me, because I had a better night in.

Anyway, as he left I had a legit serious conversation with him on the porch. He's worried about my health, as he should be. I haven't been sleeping well and I feel like I'm starting to go a little insane. I'm still hung up over what happened a week ago, and I'm sure he can see it in my eyes. (.... A/N; I seriously just started crying right now.) I wish he wouldn't worry. I mean... I don't know. I hate it when people get too concerned about me.

I tear myself away from people. When I really don't want contact you can tell. It's easier in real life because I can actually physically set myself apart. I stand a bit further away, I don't reach out and touch people... it's just a lot of small things.

Anyway, my sister is still kind a nagging me about my relationship. I really wish I could stop caring about it.

In the end, what made me smile the most the entire night was when one of my guy friends fell asleep on my couch. We had just finished the movie and I was taking my two other friends home. We debated leaving him there because obviously he was doing fine. But sadly we had to wake him up. It's just funny because I honestly would have let him sleep there until he woke up for whatever reason. He also said at last homecoming that he would sneak into my house just to sleep on the couch. Well, he finally got to...

It's weird having homecoming right before 9/11. I don't understand why it's so early this year. Today is a day of remembrance. I hope I get an ultra mellow day and hopefully some sleep tonight. (It has been getting better though).

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own
understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make
your paths straight.
-- Proverbs 3:5-6

I got to see my niece this weekend. Being called "auntie Lizzie" just warmed my heart. She's turning 4 in a few days and it's amazing how time flies. I STILL have a picture of me when I was 13 and holding her as a newborn.


Anyway, this was a good weekend, overall.

I had in mind this really awesome post. But I have no idea what I wanted to say anymore.

Oh! I got some really awful news on Friday night, but after a night of talking it out with a bunch of people I felt OK. Plus the fact that I went out and had fun. Ok, well, 7 hour car ride isn't exactly fun...

I dunno... I feel so grateful for the people I have around me. They helped me through a tough spot... and I have a feeling they'll have to keep doing it. I'm accepting of it right now, but who knows how I'll handle it in a day or two. Hopefully this will fade from my mind.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give
you rest.
-- Matthew 11:28

Sometimes I find saying "I love you" a bit hard and even awkward. It's not because I don't believe in love or that I don't love in general... but because I don't hate. I mean, there are people that I don't like and that I'd rather not be around, but that doesn't mean that I hate them.

But then I have to wonder how I know if I truly love someone? When I look at my circle of friends, I honestly feel like I would do anything for them. For some reason I feel less inclined when I think about my family. That might be because I've always been a bit distant from them and I don't feel like they've really been there. I don't really think they care sometimes. I know that's an awful mentality to have. It's how I truly and honestly feel though. I mean, I still love them, and I'm devoted to them... but I get frustrated with them more easily.

Then how do I distinguish the love between my friends? There's one friend that I've only recently got a little closer to and there are people that have been with me through three long years. Yet what I would do for both those groups is the same.

I guess I'm just a little confused and mad at my heart. Truly loving somebody means being there when they need me, and letting them go away when they need to be on their own. I'm just not sure I can do that sometimes. Yet when it's needed, it happens. Of course it hurts inside when it's someone I'm especially close to...

Now I'm just being vague.

School is alright. I'll get through it somehow.

But day....3 of a nagging sadness starting.

Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day
of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.
-- Psalm 86:6-7

I am anxious.

There's a confrontation that I need to have, but I really don't want to have it. :|

I would elaborate but it's not something I should get worked up over.

Short post today. Nothing interesting in my life. Just starting college applications, and starting school on Tuesday. Yay.

We know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and
again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a dreadful thing to
fall into the hands of the living God.
-- Hebrews 10:30-31

It's my birthday.

Whoop. De. Doo.

I say this birthday is on par with my 9th birthday. The one right after I moved. My 9th birthday was my parents, my sister, a cake, and a gift.

This birthday was grocery shopping, crappy french toast, three loads of laundry, a book return and choir practice. No cake. No gifts.

Just a bazillion 'happy birthdays' from people I haven't talked to in years/months.

I am a little upset. But it's out of my control.

My sister seems to be more invested in it than I am. But whatever. I've given up.

I know I seem a bit bitter about today. I am.

We constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of
his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good
purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.
-- 2 Thessalonians 1:11

This is it... The end of summer, at least for me.

I'm all packed up (7 bags, completely stuffed. That's going to be fun to load/unload). I register for school tomorrow, and then I start school next Tuesday. I'm a little scared, but overall excited. Hopefully this coming year goes well.

I'm not really sure what happened this summer. The first half went by at a good pace, and then it kinda flew by... and then the past week or so just kinda dragged. I can't believe that it's Monday. It seems like forever ago that I was taking the ACT/SAT.

I can't believe that I'm turning 17 in two days.

It's scary to think that in exactly a year I'm going to be packed up for college. Now that's scary. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life...

However, it's just time to look at the positive. I'm going to be starting what should be the best year of high school. It should be fun, right? I mean, I'm not sure what's going to happen that makes this year different... but maybe something will surprise me.

Right now I'm just wasting time until I feel like leaving. I don't want to leave just yet. It's early and home isn't where I really want to be right now. I don't want to unpack... that makes everything so final. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to be going back. This next week is going to be filled with a lot of my friends. And also a hard break. I have to quit church choir :\. Well, I can't go to practice anymore. I have a class that takes that time slot. I mean, I could still sing on Sundays, that hasn't stopped others. They've also been doing it a lot longer than I have and they are good at music. I'll probably still end up singing on Sundays, but we'll see how long that lasts.

I'm not sure what else there is to write about. I've just been inside for the past while because there's nothing to do outside. It's so hot and it just makes me feel lethargic. Even right now all I want to do is just go back to bed.

Well, seeing as how I got distracted long enough to forget that I was writing this, I may as well just end it now.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge
of the Holy One is understanding.
-- Proverbs 9:10

You love who you love.

Who am I to judge? If they make you happy, so be it. It's your life, not mine.

I just don't understand why everyone has to be so judgmental, especially about love. I've had this conversation twice in the past 24 hours. My mentality is the above; and that's about every relationship. Granted, I might be a little waxy if it's obviously an abusive or unhealthy relationship, but I haven't encountered that thus far. I don't think love should depend on the gender, age (to an extent), skin color, class or so on. Your love isn't harming me, so why should I care?

*sigh*. Humanity confuses me sometimes. Why can't we just be free and open? We're not all that different on the inside. We all have the same basic needs beyond food/water and shelter. We want to be loved. We want to belong to a group. We want to love someone else.

I have to wonder how I got to be so open and accepting. However it happened, I don't care.

All that matters is the heart. If the heart is in a good place, then some things just shouldn't matter. The heart is your guide through life. If you live by it, there is no way you can go down the wrong path.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the
weak.
-- Isaiah 40:29

For some reason I want to have an epic awesome post of awesomeness.

I'm very hyper tonight.

Anyway, when I was on deviantart earlier today, I read this pretty awesome journal. Pretty much either learn to love yourself or just shut up... and while I'm taking the message out of proportion, that's how I like to view it. I had to agree with the entire thing. It's like... there's no reason to complain about yourself. Either change it or just kinda shut up about it.

Someone... somewhere... probably finds you beautiful the way you are. Even if you don't. (Oh hey, maybe I should take my own advice). However, you do have to learn how to accept yourself. Even if you don't see everything that other people see, at least learn to see the good parts about yourself. I've... sort of learned how to do that I suppose. There's still a lot I deny about myself. I know there's more to me than I will ever accept, though. I know it's there... but I don't count it as a positive just yet.

Anyhow, that's why I've given up caring (sort of) about my weight. Food is delicious and deserves to be eaten. Usually. Obviously there's a stopping point, but most people know when it comes. I am one of the sort. I enjoy my food. You will NOT find me eating a salad when there's something better on the menu... I have stopped caring. I know I'm a little pudgy... but that's just me. There's no way I'll ever be "skinny". Or at least society's version of it. I'm not... horribly overweight?

I've stopped caring because I've found that it just does not matter. If people really can't get past my looks, then they have no business trying to get to know me.

My sister constantly says "You have a lot going for you." and I always want to wonder what, exactly. I'm slightly smarter than average, I'm slightly pretty, and I have the social skills of a cockroach. I will never understand what she sees. Or what anyone else sees, either.

Anyway; I'm a hypocrite. I'm advocating all this 'love yourself' stuff... and I believe in it. I just don't really apply it to my own life I guess. I mean, I do. I love who I am. I just don't know why others love me.

Hmmm...

I went sunset photographing tonight.



For some reason I really like that picture. I dunno why. I took it on a whim, and I enjoy it.

In other news....

I'm starting to wear off whatever was making me hyper. Now I'm tired.

My car is off to the mechanic :(. My little Rose... <3.

However, I plan to do some awesome errands on Friday. I need to get out of the house. Badly.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:18

I am an extremely happy person today. My morning was not too great. I woke up realllly early, and I was in a lot of pain. However, I cleaned up the house and vegged around for awhile before taking a shower. The shower did wonders. I felt a lot better after.

I sat around watching Ninja Warrior and Project Runway until the whole reason I stayed came.

Yes. Finally.

We pretty much stood in the doorway for a full minute just hugging each other so tightly. I was honestly so happy just to see him after a month (pretty much literally, tomorrow would have been it exactly).

The second thing after "I missed you"? "You cut your hair! It's so cute." I find that ironic. My sister's boyfriend asked me (yesterday) "Did you cut your hair?" when I spent a full week with him right after I got it cut. I'm not sure how it all works out...

Anyway; saw Winnie the Pooh.

Absolutely. Adorable. It was funny and so nostalgic. I pretty much wanted to (and still want to) go and watch all the old Winnie the Pooh videos I have on VHS. There was actually a pretty nice mix of teens and little kids with their parents. So yeah, it was cool.

Then some jerk on a bike who had a stick up his butt.

Then David found out that I'm ticklish... everywhere. And then called me beautiful shortly after, and I still think he's delusional. But that's OK.

It rained almost the entire drive back home. It was pizza night at my parents. The new Korra trailer is epic (http://on.nick.com/XJQ). I had rootbeer. My nails are purple again. (I'm trying to stop biting them). I found this song on youtube that I heard on my drive home; "Arms" by Christina Perri. OMG. <3. So many good songs this summer!

Lastly, the clouds outside my windows look gorgeous. Too bad I can't take pictures of 'em. :(

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in
your power to act.
-- Proverbs 3:27

Scholarship

Lets imagine, just for a moment that I get to choose exactly where I want to live.

I immediately choose a coastal state; Washington.

Why? Because I want to live near the water for once! I miss rain. After living in a desert for quite a few years, I think it's time for a change. I want there to be real greenery. Not this fake almost-green thing we have going on here.

I would then choose a one bedroom apartment. I'm not much of a people person, and I'm not sure I could deal with another person constantly. Heck, I can barely do it now. I would only accept a roommate and move to a two-bedroom apartment if they were a close friend. Maybe if I could share the apartment with a cat or two...

So, with that in mind; I would live in a small space. If life turns out the way it's supposed to, I won't be home that often anyway. I would be off either in school, or working as a forensic scientist.

The one thing that I look for that a lot of other people seem to as well; a good kitchen. I LOVE to cook. I may not be too great it, but at least I haven't burnt down the house yet. I use counter space liberally, and tend to make messes. If I could have a big kitchen to spread everything out in, I would be so happy.

Since I am reserved and want a one-bedroom place, I may was well make it worth while, right? A room with a view. Trees, water... anything. No more brown sand! That's my only request! (Well, that and to have a washer and dryer in the apartment).

A lot of people want to be close to areas of commerce. All I need is a book store (or library) and grocery store within reasonable distance. On that note as well; a nice place to keep my car. I've already had enough of it sitting out, open to the elements.

Overall, I just want something quaint. A little place where I can escape the city and have something for myself.

With all of that in mind; I do believe I have found the perfect place (if money were not an issue).

http://www.vacancy.com/washington/redmond-apartments/heights-at-bear-creek/

This apartment, ideally the Ironwood layout, is perfect. It has an awesome kitchen, the area has amazing views, I have my own washer/dryer, and even a place to go and enjoy the view. It's not too big, and has the potential for being home. I don't mind the fact that it'll be far from school or work. I can manage the drive... hopefully. Unfortunately, this choice means no cats for me.

Ok, so I'm irrational!

I fully admit to it. But who isn't at least a little overwhelmed by emotion sometimes? Some people it's a lot of times. I am definitely one of those people.

I AM feeling better; I actually started feeling better last night. It just kinda amazes me what happens when you just tell someone that something is wrong. Well, maybe not someone in particular; but a non specific message for anyone to read.

Seriously.

I posted a Facebook status (because that's how low I got that I felt that I had to post a status about it :P). Pretty much immediately I get three people messaging me.

Even someone I haven't talked to in forever. Like years. It wasn't anything meaningful, but at least it was something. It'll probably be another few years until we talk again, but for some reason I'm OK with that. We weren't ever really that close, so it's not like I'm losing a whole lot. Yeah, that's a pretty negative outlook, but I'll be honest.

Then someone I've recently met. We're alike in a few ways, and different in so many more. I've seen her once, and haven't really talked to her a whole lot besides that. She's just kinda a silent lurker. It wasn't a very long conversation but it still helped me a good deal.

The last person was my boyfriend. I'm not kidding. He talks to me at like 11PM because of a facebook status, and not because he just simply wants to. Eh, I guess I'll take what I get. I was actually pretty happy about it. I wasn't expecting him. We finally actually talked a little bit.

None of my conversations lasted too long because I was really tired. I was pretty much dead before the hour was over.

During that time though, I did manage to cry. I felt so much happier after that happened, and I felt so awake. The latter didn't last very long, obviously. Sometime I apparently turned on my alarm, so pretty automatically, I got out of bed, turned off the alarm and unplugged my phone. I promptly went back to bed and fell asleep again. Until my phone went off as a reminder to call and schedule my final.

I'm starting to get really pissed off about the guy not returning e-mails or even picking up his phone. I've sent nearly a dozen e-mails, I've called him like three times today alone... I want some answers already!!!

:|

Ugh. Oh well. Just gotta keep going at it...

For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the
man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men -- the
testimony given in its proper time.
-- 1 Timothy 2:5-6

Every time I marvel at how awesome I've been feeling, and EVERY TIME I think I'm going to be ok this time...

I prove myself wrong.

These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your
hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit
at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and
when you get up.
-- Deuteronomy 6:6-7

I've realize a few things; one is I don't think I've ever explained the url to my blog. The second is that Coldplay makes awesome music; or at least their singles are awesome. Thirdly; I need to stop watching paranormal shows. And lastly; you're never too old for kid's books!

1) "We Could Run Away" by Needtobreathe. I'm not sure why I chose this song; but I guess it's because there's just something so... visual about it. I think it can also go with the fact that running away from reality and into a sort of fantasy. In a way, that's what blogging is for me. It allows me to deal with reality... and then make it go away. Once I vent, I usually get over it. It's nice. I love Needtobreathe in general, and pretty much every song by them I fall in love with at one time or another. They keep surprising me.

2) "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" OMG. I am in love with it right now. It's really summer-y and dance-y. You just want to get up and move. So I'm pretty much loving that right now. It's a bit unusual, but I think that's what makes it so addicting.

3)Yeah... I just watched a few hours of paranormal shows. Not the wisest thing to watch before bed. But I'm pretty much getting over it. Hopefully. I mean, I'm sitting here in the dark and typing this. I should be OK. I just need to learn how not to psych myself out. Which I've been pretty good at. I've learned to not let the shows freak me out too much. I've learned how to not get sucked in and get my emotions played.

4) Fablehaven. Darke. Both children's books that I've been reading. I'm currently reading Fablehaven. Pretty good. Both are sort of thick for kid's books anyway. Sure they are SO easy to read, but your mind needs to relax every once in a while. Then I start a dual read, because I NEED to read Frankenstein AND re-read Othello before school starts.

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into
him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
-- Ephesians 4:15

I know I've expressed how sometimes I think I'm just too nice or caring or so on. That thought is returning again. I know everyone just has a point where they can't take things anymore, and I'm starting to get to that point.

For awhile, I was happy. Now I'm sort of straining to make the happiness come back. Yes, I'm still happy- but only because I've been either making myself happy, or because there's just nothing to be upset about. Honestly, I'm amazed that I've been in such good spirits lately.

Sure, I've been frustrated more than normal, but so be it. Life has ups and downs. I've been fighting with my sister a lot more lately, but that just might be because I've been around her a lot more this summer. We've been trying and... I'm hoping that things will get better. Maybe once I move out of the house...

My dad and his tractor. Oh LORDY. That has been SO stressful lately. I'm hoping that it will just DIE. I really don't understand it...

Eye appointment today... SAME PRESCRIPTION. Second year in a row! :D

Yesterday and today I just stopped talking with my friends. I've been invisible on all my chat applications and so on. It's nice to not have someone constantly talking to you... well, mostly one person. I love 'em and all... but sometimes...

I'll eventually log back on to everything but not quite yet...

Because I haven't been talking to people, I've had a chance to actually do some reading, writing, and watching Dr. Who. (Plus coloring and playing computer games).

However, it's also given me some time to think. (I'm bringing myself back here...). When can I draw the line? Pretty much the one person I want to talk to and see... I haven't since over 3 weeks ago. Sure, sure... maybe I'm being a little clingy. I realize that. That's why I've been letting up and giving some space.

But seriously. Almost a month. Shouldn't he be missing me too?

I know things have been... less than pleasant in his life lately. I know he probably has a lot of other things to do than to hang out with me.

It wouldn't frustrate me so much if I didn't see him on facebook. I mean honestly...

I dunno. I'm just overreacting.

But I miss him. A lot.

I have to remind myself that we will be able to see each other again. Hopefully before the summer is over...

One month until school starts (nearly exactly).

All good things must come to an end...

The LORD will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your
life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and
forevermore.
-- Psalm 121:7-8

I came back from wonderful Chicago a few days ago. Normally I do extensive blogging about what happened, but I'm not feeling it. Mostly because one day blends into the next and I"m just not sure what happened. I feel like I was drugged for half the time anyway soo....

Portraits the other day. Wasn't bad. None too exciting though. I don't really like getting my picture taken. I' m really not that photogenic.

Uhmm... stuff.

I watched "5 People You Meet in Heaven". I could not stop crying. It sucked because I was in the living room as my parents went back and forth. I don't think I could've explained to them just how sad the movie was. It beats "UP!" by far. Touching movie, and a good book too.

Oh life...

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the
mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
-- Psalm 46:1-2

New York and Gay Marriage.

I've been hearing that every place I turn.

I had a discussion about it last night with my mom, and of course she's the conservative. She was raised that way; I was raised to have my own opinions. It was just a small little thing when it came up on the news.

Personally, I don't understand why it's such a big deal. I support gay marriage because what is it going to change?! I mean, it's really not like the world is going to fall apart. Nothing is going to change, except that we might have happier people. Don't people deserve to be happy?!

It's strange for me to say anything because I haven't planned on a future. I'm not thinking about kids, much less getting married... But I think everyone should do what makes them happy. I mean, it's in the constitution, isn't it?

Then my mom brought up the subject of kids; I said that there's adoption. We already have so many unwanted kids... why not give them to a couple that desperately wants kids? Does it matter if it's a same-sex marriage? Would I mind being raised by two guys? No, actually. I'm a bit more masculine than feminine, so as long as I wasn't completely tom-boyish.... I dunno. I just don't think it would be that big of a deal. Kids need loving and supporting parents. Sure, it'll be harder to raise a kid across genders; at least at a young age.

Why does marriage need to be defined? Why does religion need to be a part of deciding whether or not people can be happy? It's already hard enough for a lot of people to 'come out', why make it harder for them to be proud and happy? Honestly, who am I to say that you can't get married? First it was interracial couples, and now we hardly bat an eye when it happens. Why can't this be this same thing? I just don't think I fully understand people's motivations.

I also hate it when people bring out the bible and religion when it comes to homosexuality. Honestly, why would God create those kinds of people if he's against them? He's a loving God; he wouldn't create someone he didn't love. More importantly, he wouldn't create someone just to condemn them to the fires of hell.

Anyway....

I'm feeling slightly better than last night, but not really the best. Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to
love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the
law.
-- Romans 13:8

It's empty again.

I'm just wondering.

Why does it never last?

Sleep deprivation is taking a bit of a toll on me, and we'll see how I feel in the morning.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
-- Philippians 4:13

The Kansas Adventure!!

It really was not that awesome. But I've been thinking about this post for a good majority of the time I was there.

It started at 5AM on Wednesday morning. I almost gave up sleeping. But then shortly after we started, I was asleep again. The first stop I was conscious for was Clayton, New Mexico. It was a gas stop. I walked into the store, very groggy and what not. The cashier was the nicest person ever. When someone tells you to have a glorious day, it makes it hard not to.

My dad and I had an epic moment where we puzzled over what was being grown. I said wheat, and he said barely. Still have no idea what it is.

Eventually we got to a stopping point; aka our destination. 14 hours later. Yeah. That was fun. (Not really).

I slept. Somewhat.

OH! There was the cutest thing at the motel we stayed at.


I dunno. I just thought it was cute. But that might just be the sleep deprived me.

Anyway, the business we had to do lasted like 3 hours, max.

So of course, we drove back home. That sucked even more.

On the way back, I got some news that I didn't want to hear... but I have to accept it. Thankfully, it doesn't really affect (effect?) me that much.

I find it ironic that I bring along a ton of things to do (books, ipod, sudokus, notebook, camera) and I barely use any of it. I spent most of the trip staring out the window and thinking, or sleeping.

I didn't think about anything too amazing. I had some songs stuck on a loop in my head. They were good songs, but it got annoying after awhile.

Anyway, here are some things that I learned on this trip:

A tractor costs more than what it'll take to put me through undergrad (seriously, it should take about 13k for college, at 14k or more for a tractor, even a used one).

You will always smell the cattle farm before you see it.

Map reading is a skill. A very easy one.

Road signs are helpful. You may not think they're right, but they are.

Just because there's a road, doesn't mean there's an easy way to identify which one it is.

A map of the fifth largest state conveniently fits on one page.

Kansas has some very gorgeous houses.

Kansas is also very awful and cleaning up roadkill.

It seems like quite a few people in Kansas are pro-choice.

And lastly;

Cars suck.

Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,
made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our
transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved.
-- Ephesians 2:4-5

You're a good friend to have around, Lizzie.

I've been hearing that a lot lately. I'll admit, it does make me smile. However, I don't feel I deserve it. I just do what I need to do; comfort my friends. I help them when things aren't going right. I just don't want them to end up like me; depressed and feeling so alone. I want them to remember that they'll ALWAYS at least have me.

I help people. I used to do it a lot, but I stopped when it was taking a toll on my mental psyche. But now... now that I'm happy... I can listen to people talk about their problems, and I can actually give advice. Or at least my thoughts on the matter. I'm happy to be doing that again. I missed it a bit. I guess it just takes some time to recover.

It also takes people have problems to talk about.

Mostly it's been relationship issues...

But then again, I've also taken someone off the brink of depression. So I guess I'm doing good?

I've also gotten that comment because I've assured someone that I'll be there when they get the news of something major.

Life is good. I know I've been saying that a lot lately, but it's so true! I've been so happy that... I just can't look back. It's looking ahead at this point.

I hope for the best, but realize when it won't happen. I just said that to a friend, and I think it's so true right now.

I've grown and changed recently. I'm not sure what it was... but I do feel like a new person in a way.

And that's what on my mind today.

The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.
-- Luke 19:10

I'm never there when it matters most. I'm here to console you when things aren't as bad as they could be. But the second you really need me... the SECOND I could have saved you... I'm not there.

I feel awful.

You say you're better now... but where will I be when you get close to rock bottom again? How will I know that you're OK? More importantly... how will I feel when I know I could have prevented it?

Poem timez?

It's only inches on the map,
But you're a world away.
I start my day while you end yours.
You unwind,
Letting you get an easy sleep.
But I...
I have the day to reflect.

I tie myself down,
Just for you.
I lift myself away
And you call out for me.
But I never hear your pleas.

Maybe it was better, you say.
I say not a chance.
The guilt overwhelms me.
Then anger.
It's not true!

It's not the first time
But it aches the same.
I'm not there when I'm needed.
You're still here
No thanks to me.

It's not right
You're always there for me
Even when it doesn't matter.
I wish I could.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as in Christ God forgave you.
-- Ephesians 4:32

My grandma was buried today. Yes, I know; she died Monday. I guess they're pretty speedy about it.

Today was interesting...

I got some shopping done. With my dad. At least it was only shoes. I don't think I could have handled actual clothes shopping with him. Oh well.

MVD sucked.

I also saw Water for Elephants. Good movie. Had Polish people. :D. Also kinda sad.

Then mini golf. That was interesting. Also sucked a bit.

I don't have much to say, really. I'm just kinda excited to go back down to my sister. Apparently there is a plan brewing; and I can't wait to see it in action.

Uhmm.... Life is good.

My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock,
my refuge.
-- Psalm 62:7

Right now it seems that the more I talk to people, the more I fondly look back at how I was raised.

I've been having some really depressing conversations lately. Mostly about the issues we all have mentally and what not. A lot of problems these people have are based on how they were raised. A lot of people seem to have parents that smother them, and they never seemed to have had any free will. It just goes to show that how you were raised has a big impact on how you think and feel.

Personally, I was raised in a pretty free and open household. I did my thing, asked for help when I needed it... but I was generally left to my devices. Obviously that was later in life... but that's when it counted. Of course I had my parents teach my right and wrong and stuff like that when I was little. But didn't we all?

Maybe my parents weren't the most supportive people out there, but they did what they could. I think I kinda pulled myself away from them too. However, I grew up to be pretty healthy.. mentally at least.

I have the occasional depressive bout, but so do a lot of people. I've actually become fairly normal. I don't know when this happened...

So far, this summer makes me feel normal. I really honestly truly feel like myself. I had a little bit of an identity crisis last month were I was seriously not sure. But now... maybe I can't describe myself, but I feel like I am myself. I'm not longer pretending... and I'm not longer being shaped into someone else.

It's nice to be happy. It's nice to be free, but still have a reason to go back. It's nice to finally feel like there's nothing to hide.

Yeah, I am surprisingly happy. I don't know where it came from. But I'm loving it!

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we
might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you
have been healed.
-- 1 Peter 2:24

I think one of my grandmas died... I was on the phone with somebody that kept calling, and I just wanted them to stop. They were calling for my dad, and he's not here. I'm not sure where he is, to be honest. But, I think the person I was talking to said that his mom died. I can't say for sure, because I really wasn't paying attention. I kinda spaced... :| oops. Lets hope I heard wrong.

I was going to have such a nice intricate and beautiful post about death and hope, but for some reason, I just don't have the words to do so.

It's a crazy world out there, and you just don't know what's going to happen. Of course death is going to happen, there's no way to avoid it.

And for some people, death is so tantalizing. I know every once in awhile, it is for me.

I need to find out where this guy is buried... Even though I wasn't close to him, I really do need to visit him. He died a little more than a year ago.

Just a short one today.

ETA: My dad's mom did pass away. Prayers for my dad and his family. She lived to be 90 years old. Even though I didn't really know her; I love you grandma.

These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality,
however, is found in Christ.
-- Colossians 2:17

I'm just not so sure anymore.

All I want to do is make myself a better person.

Right now, I think all I need to do is write a little poem about my day/how I'm feeling.

I don't ask myself "Who am I?"
For I already know.
Deep down, I am sure.
I just need to bring it back again
Freedom and love
That's what this summer is about.
I ask myself "Where is home?"
That's what really matters.
Where does my spirit belong?
It's not in the sloping valley
For that's no where my roots are;
Only my branches.
It's not where the mountains roll
For it lacks the sunshine;
Only the night skies stay.
It's certainly not the grassy plains
For there is no more water;
Nothing to fuel me.

You call me for help.
I answer with no thought.
I want to be by your side,
I want to help you
Just like you've helped me.
My words seem futile.
Do you even listen?
I want to say yes.
But I know it's not true.
So much pain between the both of us
Let me mend your heart
But all I can do is rip the stitches out
I feel bad
But you keep coming back.
How do I deny you again?

We obviously need each other.
But how do we go about this?
I'm so sorry.
I wish I never did this to you.
We were doing so well.
I just don't want you to go.
It's all my fault.

I'm selfish
I'm rude
I expect so much.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't mean.
Not ever.
Believe me when I apologize.
I know I'm not the first.
But I'm not the same,
And you know that.
Give me a chance, and I can change.
That's what summer is for, right?
I just don't know how to make it up to you.
Please for give me?
My words are sincere.
Even if they sound expected.

I just want everything to be ok.
But it won't be.
I guess I need to start all over again.
----------------------------------------

Anyway, I had a long talk with one of my friends. I'll admit, it made me nearly cry. I wish I could have actually done something for him, but I guess I just have to do what I can.

Then one of my friends pointed out that I've sort of been taking advantage of her. I didn't realize it, but what she said made a lot of sense. I feel awful because that was never the intention. I really need to stop expecting things out of people...

Anyway, my weekend hasn't been all that kind to me lately.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12

Oh geez.

I'm over it, I really am. I've decided that it does not bother me! It's weird because I had a freak out over it yesterday, but after (sort of) sleeping... I realize that it's not a big deal. I believe you, and I believe that you won't do it again. Maybe I just want to forgive you because I love you so much, or maybe because I've been waiting for the day that it actually happens. In an awkward and weird way, it might have been a good thing. Silently we established boundaries, and we also established what feels right.

I know why I freaked out, though. You reminded me that we're both almost adults. Legally you're a bit closer than I am, but whatever. I'm having such a hard time accepting the fact that I have to grow up again, and become somebody. However, with you... it's different. I don't have to pretend to be anything. I just have to be who I think I am. And as it turns out... who I think I am is a person you love.

That's why when I almost started crying, it was because I didn't (and obviously still don't) want to lose you. I don't want to lose the person who makes me feel so happy. I don't want to lose the person who keeps me up at night because I'd rather relive an event with them than sleep. I don't want to lose the person who is, without a doubt, family. I NEVER abandon my family. I want to trust you with everything. I want you to know all my secrets. So far, you know all the major ones. You still love me, despite it all. In fact, you love me enough that it's like they don't exist! It hasn't changed a single thing.

You apologized. Twice. The first time I understood. The second was probably just so you would feel OK about it. I let it pass after the first time, but once you apologized the second... I started wondering. I started wondering if I really SHOULD forgive you. I am a forgiving person, and I actually like being touched. Maybe that's why you did that unconsciously- you knew I didn't really have any boundaries. Or maybe I should take you at your word, and believe it was just a 'caught up in the moment' thing. I'm believing you, though. Some things just happen, and I'm going to say that's one of them.

Then again, I also have to wonder... would this have ever happened between you and her? I just don't see it... maybe because I see the difference between us and it's just too big. Kind of almost literally. Not that I want to be mean or anything. Honestly though, you made me feel a little bit sexy. Which we all know is a shocker because I hardly ever really feel pretty.

You have somehow managed to take all my issues and make them into moments I'll remember forever. I told you I had a hard time trusting people because they always seem to leave; you reminded me that you will always be there for me. I told you that I have a hard time accepting it when people tell me I'm pretty; you made me feel more than that. I told you I've thought about suicide so many times; you have made me feel so happy that it hasn't crossed my mind in ages.

Right now, I can pinpoint a few things that I've said that aren't what people expect of me. I didn't really expect them to be true about me, but they are. I guess I never realized they were true because I never thought something like this would happen. As much as I feign innocence, we all know I'm not. I know he isn't, but I still see him as the good church going guy who has never had a girlfriend before. Things can change in an instant.

Anyway, I think I've said all that I can about that.

I take the ACT on Saturday. I think I can do pretty well. My practice test last night was a 32, so I should do fine... but we'll see I guess.

I've been trying to keep busy and go out as much as I can. It worked for the first half of the week. I'm winding down right about now. Today is supposed to be a study day, and tomorrow will be a packing and just tying up loose ends. Then I finally get to go home!

But I'll be back. There's a graduation that I want to go to. Then I go home for about a week. Then I come back because I have a flight to catch. CHICAGO!! :D

Then I have no clue what my July is like. Or August for that matter. We'll find out, I suppose!

I start summer school on Monday. That should be... interesting.

And I guess that's all, really.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I wrote you a letter of sorts... I figured that if you're going to love a broken girl, you may as well understand why she is broken. You also deserve to know why I love you so much, why it seems like I'm distant, and why I hardly talk about my past- at least, before high school.

Sure, it was a long letter... but there was a lot to say. I couldn't hold myself back. I want you to know it all. It might be a little selfish, I know. But I hardly care at this point.

While I wrote it, I wasn't sure if I really did want to give it to you. In the end, I knew I had to.

K, now the crypticness is over.

SAT today. Wasn't bad. Just took forever!! *sigh* I hate these timed tests!

I almost have my entire week planned. I just don't know when I'm going to pack... well, sometime soon, I'm sure!

I'm not sure I really have much else...

The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life
in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-- Romans 6:23

oh my goodness! My computer hated me, so I had to step away for awhile. I finally got it fixed, and so ya know... now my life is going to drain away again.

Lessee... May...

Took two AP tests- Psych and English. Psych went amazingly well, and I think English should be alright. I studied my brain out for Psych...

Prom. It was good. Lots of fun. My friends and I were with each other for like 12 hours. I spend a good amount of that time snuggled up to my boyfriend.

Finals. Eeeeek. I didn't study that much for mine. Don't really know why, just didnt have motivation, and I also felt they were going to be easy.

And I just took a moment to check my grades... basically all A's except one, which is REALLY sad because it's SO close. an 89%! But, I'll take it.

We had a decade project. I was part of the 60's. I hated wearing a dress, but it was actually kinda cute... So I guess over all it wasn't so bad.

Uhmm.... OH! I played matchmaker in a way. One of my friends told me she liked a mutual friend, so I decided that I was going to get them together. I did. And they're very happy. So I'm glad.

Two months today <3

SUMMER! My goodness, yes!

I met some of the boyfriend's family two days ago. It went so much better than I thought. I was scared, I'll admit. But I dunno, the night went on and it really did get better. I only really talked with his sister, but still.

Then I had a funky little philosophical blip a few days ago that made me appreciate so many people. And that caused me to have literally the cutest conversation ever. But I am not going into that.

So, life has been good. I've been happy. And that's all that matters.

He has given us his very great and precious promises, so that
through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape
the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
-- 2 Peter 1:4

Secrets time!

You've caused me to be a romantic. I never used to really be like this. I mean, sure I always thought about it.... but it's so weird for it to actually be real. I'm hoping it just gets better... Happy one month :) <3. (It's also hard for me to believe that it's been a month, but I'm completely overjoyed. I am sad that you'll be out of town for it, but I guess it'll all be made up when we hang out for like ten hours on Prom anyway).

Sometimes I think you need to let me be. I do what I want, and I do what you want me to as well. No one ever said that I was going to shirk my responsibilities. It might not be done as soon as you want, but it's done on my own schedule. Which, coincidentally, is how it's going to be in real life.

I feel like I am such a whiner to you, but you take it well. You sympathize, and I learn to draw back a little. You're one of the reasons I still have some sanity. I don't think I ever really tell you how much I truly appreciate you!

There's one song that, when it plays, I always think of you. The past is long gone, but it never goes away. I try to equate it with somebody new, but it just doesn't work. I guess I'm stuck remembering my past for those three and a half minutes.

Your hugs always make me feel special. That's all that matters.

I look back on my life and realize how far I've come. I'm proud of where I've gotten myself.

He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come
forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept
to his way without turning aside.
-- Job 23:10-11

My internet hasn't been working the past nearly two weeks, so I've just been really productive doing other things. This is going to be a short post, seeing as how I should be working, even as I type.

Either way, life has been good to me lately. http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=3388774983852647981I submitted three entries to my school's literary magazine, and all three got in! We'll see if they stay in, and hopefully they will. That really did make my day.

Standardized testing done and over with, hopefully I passed all sections and can graduate! I would be so upset if I didn't.

Uhmm.... yeah. I've been up and down these past few days, but all in all it hasn't been bad. I've been studying for my AP tests, and I realize how hard they're going to be. I'm kinda scared...

AH geez. I really can't think of much. I'm waiting for Prom next month! WHoooo...

Yeah, life has been what it normally is.

Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps
the LORD God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph.
-- Amos 5:15

I've been feeling particularly grateful these past few days. I mean, granted it's because I've been happy and such but I don't think it detracts any. I think it actually makes it better. People seem to only be grateful when they've lost something, and are down. I'm feeling grateful, and I've gained something... incredible I guess.

I guess I am overreacting about it, but as one of my friends kept saying over the past few days- "You deserve to be happy". You know what? I agree. I SHOULD be happy, shouldn't I? I have nothing to complain about. I never have, but that didn't stop me before.

Life was turning up, even before the certain event that has just made me explode with happiness. It's weird to think about it. I don't think reality has even set in yet, really...

My sleep schedule has been a bit wonky, but I'm hoping it evens out soon. I do think that I've started coping with it better, though. If I'm lucky, I only have two really crabby days a month.

Anyhow, maybe detailing my past week is in order?

Monday- Normal day as usual, I chickened out of something I needed to do. No surprise there.

Tuesday- I did what I was supposed to do the day before. It was a "meh" day, but I think it went OK.

Wednesday- Recovering from a night of awful sleep, had some nightmares that were really jarring. I felt like a mental breakdown was in order.

Thursday- Best day of the week, an important event happened. Let's just say, I'm no longer single.

Friday- Oh bajeezus. Not only was it awesome hearing everyone's reactions, but I felt amazing. I mean, lack of sleep again, but so life goes. And apparently international pigtail day.

Today- Sleep, tanned (NOT BURN. OMG) and had a fun first date. (Or technically second...?). Either way, I think it was a good day.

Tomorrow; life.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie
down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he
restores my soul.
-- Psalm 23:1-3

I think people sometimes forget the simplest things. I'm not talking about like... how to tie a shoe or something- but things that help keep our self-esteem... things that bring us closer to self-actualization. Things that make us complete.

Sorry, my brain has been on psych overload the past few days.

I would go on a rant, but I'm not really feeling in the mood.

It's been forever since I've last posted.... and there's been a bit going on this past month. Spring break, failed SAT attempt, sleep deprivation, sleepover, a depression scare and a fall.

In no particular order;

My spring break started with my waking up on a Saturday at like 6AM so I could go and take the SAT. I never ended up finding the school. I was not in a good mood, to say the least.

My spring break consisted of sewing, sleeping (sort of), baking, eating (LOTS) and burning stuff. It was ai'ight. Until I fell on Saturday.

I slipped in a puddle in my shower, bruised my hip, ribs and arm. I only have my hip bruise left.

I had a startling realization that I may have fallen into clinical depression. I soon brought myself out of that and am fairly OK now... but I wouldn't say I'm out of the woods yet.

Theeeennn.... my friend celebrated her birthday, and so there was the sleepover. It was pretty good, went how most sleepovers go. No one actually sleeps.

Then sleep deprivation has been going on basically all month. I get enough sleep that it's not like I feel tempted to fall asleep in my classes, but it's enough that I have to drudge through my day. It might be time to see a doctor. But, it won't ever happen.

Lesseee....

Today I made a decision I regret, and I guess we'll find out if it was truly a bad decision tomorrow.

In other news....

I'm not too sure. Pain has been on and off, more "on" than "off" but... eh. It's life and I'm not surprised.

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it
you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that
the Lord is good.
-- 1 Peter 2:2-3

Today...

Today I decided I am pretty. I don't know why it was today of all days... but I just feel it.

I have made a firm resolution to not refer to myself in a negative way.

I honestly don't know what it is that happened. Something just... clicked I guess. I'm just hoping I can carry this on past today... past tomorrow... past this week. If I can feel this way for awhile longer, maybe I'll be OK.

In other news...

I FINALLY SLEPT LAST NIGHT. I crashed shortly after 10, and got up around 5. Not the amount of sleep I normally get, but it got me back into a good mood. I was slap-happy and I guess that made everyone's life better. I laughed until I almost cried... and well, just felt normal again.

The weather has been gorgeous and I'm loving it so much.

I'm NOT looking forward to springing forward an hour, or having to eat fish :/ (lol, not in any way related).

Life is life... and life is good right now.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my
ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the
earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than
your thoughts."
-- Isaiah 55:8-9