I should not be up. I should be sleeping. I didn't have 'lights off' until after midnight. Why? Well... I wrote a poem. And I read some of my old stuff. But here's the poem:

How can I lie,
How can I say-
This doesn't hurt anymore?
I cry in the darkness
I beg, I pray
For someone to hear me
But in the darkness...
No one hears my wails
In the darkness
No one is supposed to
For the darkness
is
consuming
all of me
I lament the loss
I crawl and grope
I seek out your familiar face
To touch... to hold
But I know you're gone
Like my childhood, you slipped away
Hell and damnation play at my fingertips
There is only so far...
In the grave I've dug,
I lay.
Angels to take me
Whisk me off.
Maybe they can fill my heart again
But it will be in vain.
For I will always remember your
Your smell, your smile, your heartbeat beneath my hands
I almost wish...
There is fire in your soul
Black spots your name
You can wipe yourself clean
I am doomed
For you I wish the best
Your everlasting joy
Pangs me the rest of my days
The lies
They hurt
They wound more than the truth
I cannot lie
I cannot say
It hurts no more
For I am lost
Out of touch
The fire dying out
My old demons poke
Pricking with their claws
Drawing blood
Wet, stick and delicious on their hands
They haunt my old fears
Hand stitched seams ripped wide open
Exposing the ugly
They expose everything I am-
Fiendish
Broken
Alone
I am no longer the person I was
I am retreating
You are moving forward
Into the light you go
Banish the darkness from your life
I can no longer enjoy the light
I shy from the flame
I have learned its games
I dare not get burned
Not again
I sit away
Taking my assault
I come battered and bruised
I feel no more pain
It matters no more
You have gone away,
No longer my protector
I fight my losing battle
I can't win with only half
I need to be whole
But I wait in darkness
Never seeing the face of my attackers
I wait and I cry
There have been no passerby
No one to lend
Just one hand
Just to steady my resolve
I cannot lie
Just this once
I'll admit
I need you
I miss you
I'll love your forever more
I'm not ready to give up
Not just yet
I will see the light again.
I just beg it to be your hand
that leads me there
I want to see the light
I want to see it with you
I want and I want
But I will never get
A second chance
That would be much too much to ask
Would it not?
I want and I want
But the darkness consumes
I lay in wait
For my angels
They will take me away
They will make me forget
Every tear, bruise and scar
Will vanish
I will no longer cry in the darkness
I will no longer be lost without light
I will no longer waste away
I will no longer pray for another chance
I will no longer wish for your hand
I will no longer want my other half
I will no longer dig myself deeper
There is so much left to do
There is much I cannot stop
I will wait
I will not scream
I will not beg
I will no longer
be
________________________________________________

So yeah, it was a long one. I can't say how I managed to write all of this. I went to go see my friend(s) in a play last night. The Crucible (or, as the admin likes to think- The Crucibal). It was good. Eerie and chilling. I didn't get home until after 10 because I stayed and talked with my friend Melody. It was pretty nice.

The poem no doubt stems from the play. I mean, David was sort of an important part. It hurt, just a little bit. Especially the end. I was warned that it would happen. I saw it coming the entire play. Doesn't mean it hurt any less. But I take pride in that I was his first ever kiss.

It also hurt a little bit to hear the name "Elizabeth" come from his mouth so much. Deep down I still respond to it, and it was so hard to keep myself even. But I managed. I also felt sorry for the boy because he was so sick. Everyone could tell, but he was a trooper. He made it through a whole three hour play. I hope he gets better fast.

I finished the pretty layer of my quilt the other day. I actually was going to do this big ol' post on it when I finished, but I had no time. I was going to express these lovely thoughts on how sewing is a release for me. I get a chance to think and contemplate. But it often brings me down a terrible road. I had to let it sit aside for awhile due to time constraints... but I picked it up again and finished it. I find it a little coincidental that I worked on it almost exactly a month after I pretty much lost the best thing of my life. That is, considering I started the quilt as a way to deal with my emotions.

I guess you can say I'm not over it, not just yet. I know he is. I'm not. I'm still a little broken on the inside. I still feel a little empty. But there is nothing I can do to bring him back to me. There is nothing left to save.

Anyway, I got my second college acceptance letter. ENMU and Carroll University. I'm waiting for Loyola.

I'm scared and upset. I'm tired and lonely. I can't believe that I'm still like this a month later. I am wondering if I'll ever be truly okay. I know I will, but when? I need something. I need an answer. But I know I'll never get one. College can not come soon enough. Maybe once I move I'll see someone new. Or at least I'll be shocked into something and I won't worry about this anymore.

Anyway, I sprained my ankle on Monday. By Thursday I was clear to drive and walk without a brace. I have some bruises, but they're edging away. It's like I can't have a break. One week I have a panic attack, the next I fall down stairs.

I'm terrified for NaNo. I'm aiming low this year- I don't have much time. Maybe 10k if I'm lucky.

Overall.... I don't know. I think this covers my bases.

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one
comes to the Father except through me."
-- John 14:6

I'm not sure if I've ever brought this up; but one of my favorite venting forms is doing this whole 'unsent letter' type deal. Even though I'm fairly mentally sound right now, I think I DO need to get some stuff out of the way. So, I shall type up some letters I'll never send!

Dear sis,
I had a panic attack on Thursday while you were gone. It was a pretty long one... like 40 minutes. I don't know why it happened, but you need to know. I'm getting scared that I'm starting to break. It shouldn't have happened, I hope you realize. I'm really not that stressed. But I think I needed someone. Even if it was you. I need you to believe me on some things. Like my pain. Today, ironically enough, has been my most pain free day. It's not cool to be in pain all the time and not be able to tell you. Anyway, I'm glad that we haven't been fighting a whole lot lately. Maybe we're finally growing up. Or we just don't see each other that often. Either way, it helps.
~Liz

Dear College,
WHY MUST YOU BE SO EXPENSIVE?! ARG. I shall NEVER be able to pay for you!!!
~Frustrated

Dear Tim,
At first I was upset that you were going to step back, but now I'm happy. I don't need the stress you gave me. I can finally do what I wanted; focus on school. I wish you didn't step on so strong. However, I DO care for you and I'm glad that you just might care for me as well. Nothing will happen because I don't want to have a relationship right now. But I do smile a little bit when you're around.
~Liz

Dear David,
There's lot of things I wish I could say to you. First of all is that what happened to being friends? Last time I checked this is NOT how you treat friends. But whatever. I'm still a little torn up, but I think it for the best that we broke up. I miss having someone so close to my heart, but I think I'm finally moving on... about three weeks later. I'm upset that I've moved on so quickly. It's like my heart threw you out like you were nothing. At least a year was spent with me swooning over you, and half of that I was with you. I still love you, but I'm not sure it's in the same way that I did. I just wish you'd still talk to me. I'm not gonna push. Maybe I still wish you cared about me like you used to. I wish you cared about my mental health and actual health as well. I still wish you the best; but I know you're whole. You don't need my concern. You're carrying on just fine.
~Liz

Dear Sarah,
Thank you so so so so much for caring. I know I bother you quite a bit, but I'm glad you put up with me. Your concern and ability to read me is amazing. Thank you. You know I'm always here for you, so don't hesitate. We'll be friends for a long while.
~Liz

Dear self,
Thursday is complete evidence that you need to take a chill pill! Sleep well, take care of yourself and don't stress out too much.I know it's in your nature to over work, but it's OK to step back and have a little fun. You CAN do your work and still hang out with friends. In the end you will be OK.
~:)

Anyway, I had a loooong panic attack on Thursday, started just after 6, ended shortly before 7. Yesterday was pretty bad as I tried not to cry and I was running on really BAD sleep. I woke up early this morning to do fall frenzy at my school and then ended up having a lot of fun with my friends after. We got the majority of my halloween costume and clothes that I really don't but kinda do need. I found a trench coat!!! :D (And Goodwill had an amazing sale today so I spent less than $5 on my stuffs).

I was productive today in homework. I'm doing well now. I'm tired, but that's OK.

I'm doubting my ability to do NaNo this year; but I'm gonna try. I'll probably aim for something like 10k to MAYBE 25k. I have no plan and no time. If November lends itself to a lot of free time, I'm gonna do it.

Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in
honour preferring one another;
-- Romans 12:10

GAH. BOYS.

I've been contemplating this for awhile...

But for a little while there's been this guy that's been flirting all hardcore with me. At first I joked and played along with it. When things went in a direction I didn't want it to go, I started to put my foot down and wanted him to stop. Finally, he heard me and now I'm wishing he didn't.

I wish I could say something, but I'm having a hard time composing my thoughts

School is school and I guess I've been OK. Sleeping a bit more than usual...

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of
wisdom.
-- Psalm 90:12