Ok, so it's been awhile since I've posted. My graduation ceremony is tomorrow and I've already started packing boxes. I'm almost there- just a few more clothes to go and I'm free. Yes, that is how I'm defining my freedom. Once everything is in a box, I will be free. It's sad that the act of putting my life away is giving me that. I shouldn't be rejoicing, but on one level, I am. On other levels though, I'm sad. I'm going to miss this place and I'm going to miss my friends a lot.

Of course there are a lot of things that I won't miss- like getting up for school, fighting with my sister, and that's about it. I've actually enjoyed my stay here more than I thought I would. I really do love my friends for all that they've done for me, and I really really wish that they could understand all that they mean to me. I don't want to dwell on it too much or else I'm going to cry. I've already done it once this week- I know I'm going to do it tomorrow too.

I just don't know what to do with my life now that I don't have school, and now that I'm going to be going away. And truly away. I won't return to this house in a few months. Maybe in a year or so, I won't have a house to return to at all. At least... not this house. Any house that I return to isn't going to be my house, it's going to be my friends'. Or maybe my parents- if they will still have that house in a few years. It's so sad to truly know that I might not be able to have a place to call home.... a place with memories, a place that I can live in. Most people I know are anchored here, in one way or another. They will still have a family and a familiar place to go back to. I just don't know how I feel. I have so many emotions going through my head I feel almost numb.

I am absolutely relieved to finally be done with school. That is the primary emotion- happiness. I have finally come to the end... Then I feel a bit wary because I don't know what the future will hold for me. then I just stop and think that my life is finally starting. And then I'm kinda happy again. So, sure, it's a bit like a roller coaster.

I guess I really don't know what to say. Things have been pretty interesting lately. I've had a bout of sickness (pretty much over it at this point), I've cried (hey, it got to me), I've slept (hallelujah), and I've had some good times with people.

But maybe I do have something to lament about. The one guy that I really like right now. He has a girlfriend. But yet, when we're together we act so much like a couple- even to the point that one of our mutual friends has just been like, "go out already". And believe me, I want to so badly. But I will never, ever, bridge the option of him dumping his current girlfriend. He will stay with her if he wants to for however long. And if after being separated he realizes that he wants me, then so be it. I'm really hoping he transfers colleges and comes with me and some of our mutual friends. I know they can't stand him sometimes, but somehow he has taken my heart. Not in the traditional way, I suppose...

I think other people can tell how much I like him too. I think I smile a little bit brighter and generally act like I did when I was in a relationship. I care for him, and I just want him to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for people. But we have sacrificed so much for each other, I don't know what I'd do without him. But maybe it's best that I just don't think about it. For now, I need to accept what he's done for me as acts of friendship.

Anyway, I think it's about time I wrapped this up. Not like I really have anything productive that I need to do, but if I focus too much on everything that's going on, I'll just get too overwhelmed. 

Jesus said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must
deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever
wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for
me will save it.
   -- Luke 9:23-24