I read things like postsecret and sixbillionsecrets.... and sometimes I wonder if I know any of these people. I used to be able to relate to a lot of them. For once... I'm proud that I don't. However, I still read them because it makes me realize my secrets. My life is an open book, I can be asked any question and I'll answer (most of the time). It's just about asking the right questions.
Sometimes I think about submitting secrets, but then I realize I have no idea how to word them.
Most of my secrets are my fears.
I'm afraid that one day I won't have anything to live for.
I'm afraid that this relationship (or the possible future one) is going to end like my last one. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose another great guy.
Sometimes I wear my "To Write Love On Her Arms" t-shirt as a sign.
I'm amazed that my creative writing teacher doesn't think I'm insane for all the depressing journals I write.
I don't tell my sister anything because I'm afraid she's going to judge me too much.
It's easier for me to talk to my sister's boyfriend because we're much more alike- and I truly believe he knows where I'm coming from. I honestly believe his words when he says he just wants me to try my hardest and do my best. Whereas I think my sister wants me to aim for perfection.
I don't want to be perfect. Perfect is boring. I want to be flawed. I want something interesting about me. Maybe then I'll feel alive.
I miss choir.
I'm afraid of turning out like my sister.
The future scares me.
The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he
does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full
of his unfailing love.
-- Psalm 33:4-5
Sunday
Friday
I feel awesome today. Well, at least for the latter half of my day. I'm also pretty proud of myself...
Well, lets start with last night. Last night I basically went to sleep crying. (Stupid fight with my sister, not getting into that). And I just felt awful. I woke up, not really wanting to go to school, but I decided I should go and get through it. The morning was OK. I was better than last night, but only just. I was super tired and out of it.
The day went on, and I got a little better. Nothing amazing happened to raise my mood... until 2nd period (sorta). I resolved to do something that I've been meaning to do for awhile. So, I debated on it, realizing that maybe it wasn't such a good idea...
Then lunch came around and at that point, I knew I had too. But, it was SO not the right time.
I was hoping I didn't lose my chance... when the end of school came and I was sitting with my friends outside. I saw David coming and I rejoiced a bit. Chatted with everybody for awhile, and then David said he had to leave.
That was basically my cue. I left with him and said that I needed to tell him something. It was me rambling for a few awkward seconds about how I shouldn't be telling him this, and that I felt awkward, and somewhat awful. Then I just came out with it. Just in a low, sorta mumbled sentence.
Once I said that... I explained that one of our good friends liked him too.
And then comes the shocker (to me, at least).
(paraphrased) "Well, I like Melody, but I think that we're just too good of friends that it'd be sort of... awkward, you know?"... pause.... "But I like you, too... as more than a friend" ('cause I used that exact same phrase when telling him).
At that point I'm like "... really?" And we kinda went on about how this was a first for both of us and how it'll probably be awkward on Monday...
And so we exchanged phone numbers, and decided that we would think about where to go from there. (The answer is obvious; date. But I think it's a little more complicated than that). And, this is the part I keep replaying in my mind. So, we're at his car and I give him a goodbye hug. I have to stand on tip toes normally to give him a proper hug anyway... But this one took it to the extreme. I was on the veeeeery tips of my toes, on the brink of not even touching the ground anymore. But, standing like that with his arms holding me so tight... it just made everything go away.
So now... we wait. We figure this out. We (mostly me) have to figure out how to tell Melody... I still have a nagging feeling of awful, because I basically went completely against what we decided.
But... it makes me ecstatic! I sort of had an inkling of this for awhile now... and I kept trying to push it back, and deny it a bit. However... today proved to me why I shouldn't do that.
Basically, ever since about... 2:40-ish, I've been in an amazing mood. And it's like 6 hours later.
I guess life ISN'T so bad...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is
unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
-- Psalm 130:7
Well, lets start with last night. Last night I basically went to sleep crying. (Stupid fight with my sister, not getting into that). And I just felt awful. I woke up, not really wanting to go to school, but I decided I should go and get through it. The morning was OK. I was better than last night, but only just. I was super tired and out of it.
The day went on, and I got a little better. Nothing amazing happened to raise my mood... until 2nd period (sorta). I resolved to do something that I've been meaning to do for awhile. So, I debated on it, realizing that maybe it wasn't such a good idea...
Then lunch came around and at that point, I knew I had too. But, it was SO not the right time.
I was hoping I didn't lose my chance... when the end of school came and I was sitting with my friends outside. I saw David coming and I rejoiced a bit. Chatted with everybody for awhile, and then David said he had to leave.
That was basically my cue. I left with him and said that I needed to tell him something. It was me rambling for a few awkward seconds about how I shouldn't be telling him this, and that I felt awkward, and somewhat awful. Then I just came out with it. Just in a low, sorta mumbled sentence.
Once I said that... I explained that one of our good friends liked him too.
And then comes the shocker (to me, at least).
(paraphrased) "Well, I like Melody, but I think that we're just too good of friends that it'd be sort of... awkward, you know?"... pause.... "But I like you, too... as more than a friend" ('cause I used that exact same phrase when telling him).
At that point I'm like "... really?" And we kinda went on about how this was a first for both of us and how it'll probably be awkward on Monday...
And so we exchanged phone numbers, and decided that we would think about where to go from there. (The answer is obvious; date. But I think it's a little more complicated than that). And, this is the part I keep replaying in my mind. So, we're at his car and I give him a goodbye hug. I have to stand on tip toes normally to give him a proper hug anyway... But this one took it to the extreme. I was on the veeeeery tips of my toes, on the brink of not even touching the ground anymore. But, standing like that with his arms holding me so tight... it just made everything go away.
So now... we wait. We figure this out. We (mostly me) have to figure out how to tell Melody... I still have a nagging feeling of awful, because I basically went completely against what we decided.
But... it makes me ecstatic! I sort of had an inkling of this for awhile now... and I kept trying to push it back, and deny it a bit. However... today proved to me why I shouldn't do that.
Basically, ever since about... 2:40-ish, I've been in an amazing mood. And it's like 6 hours later.
I guess life ISN'T so bad...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is
unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
-- Psalm 130:7
Monday
I'm hurting.
I thought I could do this... but... it's just not happening. I thought I made the right choice... but I didn't. I can't believe that I just let something like this go. I gave myself a month. At this rate... my heart is going to be stomped into pieces long before then.
It's a stupid thing. I decided this on my own... and I should stick by it. But it's so effin' hard. It's life... but I'm regretting it. I just can't handle it. I'm about ready to suck up all my guts and just say it. But I'm bound by a promise.
This stuff gets worse the more I'm around the problem. I hole it up inside and tell but a few people. Except for the ones that matter most.
Anyhow, tomorrow marks two years since one of the best times of my life started. It's so scary to think that TWO YEARS has gone by. I don't know how time went on so fast... Remembering that time also makes me feel pathetic. Since then... love has faded in and out of my life. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'm going to feel like that once again.
Sure, I've had glimmers of it... but they always fly away. (And for some reason a resonating imagine of a dove flying is in my head).
Standing tall... it gets harder and harder. Some days are worse than others.
But, I have to advertise this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4HpwkJZTSc
I absolutely adore that song right now. I've been listening to it constantly. It's so... sweet and perfect.
As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind
has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
-- 1 Corinthians 2:9
I thought I could do this... but... it's just not happening. I thought I made the right choice... but I didn't. I can't believe that I just let something like this go. I gave myself a month. At this rate... my heart is going to be stomped into pieces long before then.
It's a stupid thing. I decided this on my own... and I should stick by it. But it's so effin' hard. It's life... but I'm regretting it. I just can't handle it. I'm about ready to suck up all my guts and just say it. But I'm bound by a promise.
This stuff gets worse the more I'm around the problem. I hole it up inside and tell but a few people. Except for the ones that matter most.
Anyhow, tomorrow marks two years since one of the best times of my life started. It's so scary to think that TWO YEARS has gone by. I don't know how time went on so fast... Remembering that time also makes me feel pathetic. Since then... love has faded in and out of my life. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'm going to feel like that once again.
Sure, I've had glimmers of it... but they always fly away. (And for some reason a resonating imagine of a dove flying is in my head).
Standing tall... it gets harder and harder. Some days are worse than others.
But, I have to advertise this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4HpwkJZTSc
I absolutely adore that song right now. I've been listening to it constantly. It's so... sweet and perfect.
As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind
has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
-- 1 Corinthians 2:9
Saturday
I'm not sure if I can even describe the last week. It's been pretty crazy.
Monday I went to church choir practice, and Tuesday I recorded a song with them (in a professional studio) and worked on a chem project. What made me really happy at the studio was that one of the guys there sounded exactly like one of the guys in Criminal Minds.
Wednesday school started again, and I was happy to see everyone. Then I finally decided that I needed to do something. I told my friend that I liked the same guy she did. It turned into an awkward and fairly... long conversation where we didn't really resolve anything. So, we decided to speak to each other in person on Thursday. Which we did, during lunch. I basically gave up my heart, and allowed her to go after him. Once I got home, I was wondering if I did the right thing. Also, work frustrated me to no end. I won't go into that, but lets just say I'm on the hunt for a new job.
Then yesterday. I was in a pretty quiet mood. I was tired and still a bit heart broken. There were some bright points, sure. But for the most part I wasn't very happy. I'm sure most of my friends saw it as a 'end of the first week' kinda thing. But, I can't really bring myself to tell them otherwise.
Today? Today I am happy. I feel like I'm OK. I mean, still not 100% but life goes on. I can deal with this. But, today I also go job hunting. I'm ready. I'm applying to everything I can. I'm fairly excited. I can't wait to actually quit my job. Then I can move onto something else.
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
-- Psalm 14:1
Monday I went to church choir practice, and Tuesday I recorded a song with them (in a professional studio) and worked on a chem project. What made me really happy at the studio was that one of the guys there sounded exactly like one of the guys in Criminal Minds.
Wednesday school started again, and I was happy to see everyone. Then I finally decided that I needed to do something. I told my friend that I liked the same guy she did. It turned into an awkward and fairly... long conversation where we didn't really resolve anything. So, we decided to speak to each other in person on Thursday. Which we did, during lunch. I basically gave up my heart, and allowed her to go after him. Once I got home, I was wondering if I did the right thing. Also, work frustrated me to no end. I won't go into that, but lets just say I'm on the hunt for a new job.
Then yesterday. I was in a pretty quiet mood. I was tired and still a bit heart broken. There were some bright points, sure. But for the most part I wasn't very happy. I'm sure most of my friends saw it as a 'end of the first week' kinda thing. But, I can't really bring myself to tell them otherwise.
Today? Today I am happy. I feel like I'm OK. I mean, still not 100% but life goes on. I can deal with this. But, today I also go job hunting. I'm ready. I'm applying to everything I can. I'm fairly excited. I can't wait to actually quit my job. Then I can move onto something else.
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
-- Psalm 14:1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)