It's dangerous for me to think. I'm discovering myself. I don't know who I am, and... I think I'm afraid of other people knowing before I do. And this all started with a little argument.

My friend and I consistently argue who is the better poet. Today, she finally decided to do something. She put a note on Facebook, put one of my poems, one of her poems and told people to vote. (Idk how long the voting is lasting, but so far, she's winning).

Then, this guy started talking to me. I realized something... there's a reason why I don't like to share my poetry with people in real life. I write purely for fun. I write for the sake of writing. It's just me. I put words down that I like, that I feel are the words my soul/brain is thinking.

I write in an awkward way. I break sentences unnaturally, have awkward beats, no rhymes. Nothing that makes a traditional poem. It's my hands doing what my head says is right. That's all.

I wish I could say I put emotion in my poems, but I don't. I detach myself from my writing. But, yet... I'm attached.

There's a deeper reason why I don't share my poetry. While I'm not fully in my poetry, it's that one bit that IS in there that... makes me not want to share. That bit is a part of me that maybe I don't know. If I don't know, then how I could I expect ANYONE to understand?

Even if I understand that bit that's in my poetry, chances are no one else will. They can say that they understand, but they lie. They can't understand. They can have their interpretation, and I encourage them to. But they will never understand why I strung together certain words.

The thing is... I've always been different. Since the moment I was born, I was different. I helped my father out of depression. I learned Polish before English (yet, I speak English much better than most). I was potty trained before I could walk. I lost my front teeth before anyone else, I'm sure. My life has been far from simple. I've had to guard myself in every way possible. Emotional pain just isn't worth it anymore.

Though, I don't feel like it's my place to say that last bit. I... I've grown up in a very loving home. I have friends who can cheer me up, and at least be there to listen. I haven't been hurt that bad, not by a long shot.

Ok, so I've moved a few times. So my best friends stopped talking to me for awhile. So I feel like I have been abandoned, multiple times. But, these things happen. It's life!

I just feel like I'm not complete. I don't know who I am, or why I am the way I am. I'm afraid that someone might find something that I don't know about.

I'm afraid of people getting too close.

I'm afraid of people knowing who I am.

I'm afraid that I won't know myself.

Mostly, I'm afraid of what I can't feel.

Isn't it funny that you can know obscure things about a person, but not know the basics?

There's this girl that has recently started to come to book club. She is an amazing and fantastic person. Yeah, she's a little quirky and out of the norm, but I can tell that she is a good person. She's bubbly, and really isn't afraid to speak her mind.

I have to say, book club is my sanity saving grace. I will wake up on Thursdays ready to go. The people are nice and we all just kinda... click. We are an obscure group, to say the least. Mostly girls. (There is one guy, though). We have some quiet people, we have some loud people.

Though, the one thing we share is that we love books. We love to read. Maybe we don't like the same books, but we give it a try. We are all... somewhat intellectual. I'm not really all that surprised that this is what keeps me sane.

I can't wait for the social next week. It's fun just talking. Once we hit on a subject, words just fly. It's really fun. It makes me wish that I could stay here. Darn school.

I'm not really sure why I'm blogging about this. Probably because I have nothing better to do. My summer is almost gone. But, somehow, I'm content. I've done absolutely nothing with my summer, but... I feel like it's been good. Maybe it's not the wild, crazy summer others might have... I just feel this summer was me. (or, so far at least. I still have about 2-3 weeks left. lol. )

I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I mean, I need to say something. I need to get something, anything off my chest. I feel horrible. My day was boring, but that usually doesn't get me down. I really feel depressed. Honestly, right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for hours and hours on end. If it lets me just get away from everything.

My friend that I was talking to earlier asked how my day was... and for once I was honest. I don't think she even cares that I'm feeling depressed. I mean, she was telling me about her day... I'm sitting here writing (I got inspiration...), and she's like, "you don't even care, do you?". I don't know why, but I just got so irritated. Only five minutes ago, I told you my day was depressing, and I don't know why. Shouldn't that raise a flag???!?!?!

/sigh. Aly- I know you're going to read this eventually. Whether you comment or not, I know you're there, and I thank you. I just feel so down. I know I should be getting up and getting out, but I don't know anymore. However, I know I have the same strength I had in sixth grade. I'm going to get through this.

These are the times that I'm glad to have a christian radio station that I can fall back on. Maybe some good music, sleep and just letting go will make me feel just a little better tomorrow. :)
-
I just want to edit because I don't feel like making a new post. Ok, so some sleep did me good. I'm sleepy, but not depressed feeling. I actually kind of want to get out of the house today. So 'm pretty sure that means I'm feeling better. :D

Ipod thingy stolen from Aly

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down

If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
"Secondhand Dreaming" by Ruth

How would you describe yourself?
"More than Useless" by Relient K. (:( RK is mean. XD)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Bee Your Man" By Relient K

How do you feel today?
"I'll Get Over It (Miss Elaineous)" By Everyday Sunday

What's your life purpose?
"Redemption" By Switchfoot

What do your friends think of you?
"Movin' On" By Needtobreathe

What do your parents think of you?
"Softer to me" By Relient K

What do you often think about?
"Cross the line" by Ruth

What do you think about the person you like?
"Hello McFly" By Relient K (XD)

What is your life's story?
"Who I am hates who I've been" By Relient K (hmm...)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers (I hope not D:)

What will they play at your funeral?
"For the moments I feel faint" by Relient K (Hmm... fitting. I think)

What is your biggest fear?
"Knew it all" by Needotbreathe

What is your biggest secret?
"Untitled" by Simple Plan

What is your future going to be like?
"Sadie Hawkins Dance" By Relient K

What do you see in the person you like?
"Paperthin Hymn" By Anberlin

What will the song be for you and your spouse?
"Twenty-Four" by Switchfoot

---This is where the original one I found stops, but I'ma keep going with another one I just found. I'm having too much fun doing this. I have to do this more.---

Will you get far in life?
"18th Floor Balcony" by Blue October (D:)

Will you get married?
"If" by House of Heroes

What is your best friend's theme song?
"Move Along" by All-American Rejects

What was high school like?
"Mood Rings" by Relient K (So far, yes!)

How can you get ahead in life?
"Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall

What is the best thing about your friends?
"Up and UP" by Relient K (Indeed)

What is in store for this weekend?
"Again" by Needtobreathe

To describe your grandparents?
"Intro (Instrumental)" by House of Heroes (It's so pretty!)

How is your life going?
"You and me" by Lifehouse

How does the world see you?
"Fast Enough" by House of Heroes

Will you have a happy life?
"Devastation and Reform" by Relient K :(

Do people secretly lust after you?
"Shrink the world" by Yellowcard

How can I make myself happy?
"Love will make you beautiful" by The Afters

What should you do with your life?
"I hate Christmas Parties" by Relient K

Will you ever have children?
"Where do I go? (acoustic)" By Relient K

If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
"She is" by The Fray

What does your mum think of you?
"I'm Lion-o" By Relient K XD

What is your deep dark secret?
"Godspeed" by Anberlin

What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (XD Wonderful)

What's your personality like?
"Trust me" by The Fray (yay?)

What's your motto?
"Waiting Game" by Yellowcard

What do you think about often?
"You" By The Afters

What do you want right now?
"Meant to live" by Switchfoot
----
Wheeeee. That was fun. I know, I have like, a bazillion RK songs. What can I say? I like a lot of their music. XD. That was fun.

So, here's what I was thinking about in the car a few minutes ago. "Why do I still trudge through my life everyday?" It's a depressing question, but I wonder. I'm no where near smart enough, courageous enough, or even innovative enough to really make a difference in the world. I mean, I'd like to become a forensic scientist, but I don't think the chances of that happening is very high.

I mean, my life right now is meaningless. I mean, I have friends, but... they really never hang out with me. I can read, and I can write, but... what is it for? It's just to keep myself from going insane with boredom. Honestly, if I died within this year, my impact would not be that big. I've done nothing.

This does sound depressing, I know. I'm just thinking. I guess I feel kind of lost. Maybe that talk I had last night did something to me. I.... I am feeling more reflective. I'm really wondering about everything. What do I know? Why has God put me on this earth? I must have a great future coming because so far, it's done nothing.

Well, almost nothing. I'd rather not go into it, but I'm sure that I, myself, am the cause of all my stress in my life. Every bad thing has happened because of myself. I'm positive.

I think I should also go sleep so I wake up happier tomorrow. I mean, staying up til two AM is fun, but I'd rather not do it often.

So, I'm sitting here, with the lights off, and bugs swarming the light of the computer screen. (Just thought I'd let you know). I'm talking to this one guy I haven't seen since we graduated sixth grade together. It's... interesting to say the least. I find that he hasn't really changed much. I'm wondering if I've changed. I probably have. I don't think I'm that same girl I was three years ago. But, I'm still close.... I think.

I realize I should either close my window, turn my fan off or put on another shirt. I'm cold... but I don't feel like getting up. Not until I give up and go to bed. Which should be soon because I'm supposed to go and see the parade with my friend later today... (It's 12:20 AM). Bah. As long as I can stay semi-awake... I can always take a nap later. Meh. Or I could go to bed earlier tonight. I think there's a reason I go to bed at 11 most nights.

Oh well. Nothing much to report. I just finished reading "Fablehaven: Grip of the Shadow Plague" a little while ago. And "City of Bones" a few days ago. Now time to open a really big book. Lol. We'll see how long until I finish this one. It's called "Gone"

Alright. I'll just say Happy Fourth of July, and then maybe go to bed soon? heh...