New York and Gay Marriage.
I've been hearing that every place I turn.
I had a discussion about it last night with my mom, and of course she's the conservative. She was raised that way; I was raised to have my own opinions. It was just a small little thing when it came up on the news.
Personally, I don't understand why it's such a big deal. I support gay marriage because what is it going to change?! I mean, it's really not like the world is going to fall apart. Nothing is going to change, except that we might have happier people. Don't people deserve to be happy?!
It's strange for me to say anything because I haven't planned on a future. I'm not thinking about kids, much less getting married... But I think everyone should do what makes them happy. I mean, it's in the constitution, isn't it?
Then my mom brought up the subject of kids; I said that there's adoption. We already have so many unwanted kids... why not give them to a couple that desperately wants kids? Does it matter if it's a same-sex marriage? Would I mind being raised by two guys? No, actually. I'm a bit more masculine than feminine, so as long as I wasn't completely tom-boyish.... I dunno. I just don't think it would be that big of a deal. Kids need loving and supporting parents. Sure, it'll be harder to raise a kid across genders; at least at a young age.
Why does marriage need to be defined? Why does religion need to be a part of deciding whether or not people can be happy? It's already hard enough for a lot of people to 'come out', why make it harder for them to be proud and happy? Honestly, who am I to say that you can't get married? First it was interracial couples, and now we hardly bat an eye when it happens. Why can't this be this same thing? I just don't think I fully understand people's motivations.
I also hate it when people bring out the bible and religion when it comes to homosexuality. Honestly, why would God create those kinds of people if he's against them? He's a loving God; he wouldn't create someone he didn't love. More importantly, he wouldn't create someone just to condemn them to the fires of hell.
Anyway....
I'm feeling slightly better than last night, but not really the best. Just gotta keep going, I suppose.
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to
love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the
law.
-- Romans 13:8
Sunday
Saturday
Thursday
The Kansas Adventure!!
It really was not that awesome. But I've been thinking about this post for a good majority of the time I was there.
It started at 5AM on Wednesday morning. I almost gave up sleeping. But then shortly after we started, I was asleep again. The first stop I was conscious for was Clayton, New Mexico. It was a gas stop. I walked into the store, very groggy and what not. The cashier was the nicest person ever. When someone tells you to have a glorious day, it makes it hard not to.
My dad and I had an epic moment where we puzzled over what was being grown. I said wheat, and he said barely. Still have no idea what it is.
Eventually we got to a stopping point; aka our destination. 14 hours later. Yeah. That was fun. (Not really).
I slept. Somewhat.
OH! There was the cutest thing at the motel we stayed at.
I dunno. I just thought it was cute. But that might just be the sleep deprived me.
Anyway, the business we had to do lasted like 3 hours, max.
So of course, we drove back home. That sucked even more.
On the way back, I got some news that I didn't want to hear... but I have to accept it. Thankfully, it doesn't really affect (effect?) me that much.
I find it ironic that I bring along a ton of things to do (books, ipod, sudokus, notebook, camera) and I barely use any of it. I spent most of the trip staring out the window and thinking, or sleeping.
I didn't think about anything too amazing. I had some songs stuck on a loop in my head. They were good songs, but it got annoying after awhile.
Anyway, here are some things that I learned on this trip:
A tractor costs more than what it'll take to put me through undergrad (seriously, it should take about 13k for college, at 14k or more for a tractor, even a used one).
You will always smell the cattle farm before you see it.
Map reading is a skill. A very easy one.
Road signs are helpful. You may not think they're right, but they are.
Just because there's a road, doesn't mean there's an easy way to identify which one it is.
A map of the fifth largest state conveniently fits on one page.
Kansas has some very gorgeous houses.
Kansas is also very awful and cleaning up roadkill.
It seems like quite a few people in Kansas are pro-choice.
And lastly;
Cars suck.
Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,
made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our
transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved.
-- Ephesians 2:4-5
It really was not that awesome. But I've been thinking about this post for a good majority of the time I was there.
It started at 5AM on Wednesday morning. I almost gave up sleeping. But then shortly after we started, I was asleep again. The first stop I was conscious for was Clayton, New Mexico. It was a gas stop. I walked into the store, very groggy and what not. The cashier was the nicest person ever. When someone tells you to have a glorious day, it makes it hard not to.
My dad and I had an epic moment where we puzzled over what was being grown. I said wheat, and he said barely. Still have no idea what it is.
Eventually we got to a stopping point; aka our destination. 14 hours later. Yeah. That was fun. (Not really).
I slept. Somewhat.
OH! There was the cutest thing at the motel we stayed at.
I dunno. I just thought it was cute. But that might just be the sleep deprived me.
Anyway, the business we had to do lasted like 3 hours, max.
So of course, we drove back home. That sucked even more.
On the way back, I got some news that I didn't want to hear... but I have to accept it. Thankfully, it doesn't really affect (effect?) me that much.
I find it ironic that I bring along a ton of things to do (books, ipod, sudokus, notebook, camera) and I barely use any of it. I spent most of the trip staring out the window and thinking, or sleeping.
I didn't think about anything too amazing. I had some songs stuck on a loop in my head. They were good songs, but it got annoying after awhile.
Anyway, here are some things that I learned on this trip:
A tractor costs more than what it'll take to put me through undergrad (seriously, it should take about 13k for college, at 14k or more for a tractor, even a used one).
You will always smell the cattle farm before you see it.
Map reading is a skill. A very easy one.
Road signs are helpful. You may not think they're right, but they are.
Just because there's a road, doesn't mean there's an easy way to identify which one it is.
A map of the fifth largest state conveniently fits on one page.
Kansas has some very gorgeous houses.
Kansas is also very awful and cleaning up roadkill.
It seems like quite a few people in Kansas are pro-choice.
And lastly;
Cars suck.
Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,
made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our
transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved.
-- Ephesians 2:4-5
Tuesday
You're a good friend to have around, Lizzie.
I've been hearing that a lot lately. I'll admit, it does make me smile. However, I don't feel I deserve it. I just do what I need to do; comfort my friends. I help them when things aren't going right. I just don't want them to end up like me; depressed and feeling so alone. I want them to remember that they'll ALWAYS at least have me.
I help people. I used to do it a lot, but I stopped when it was taking a toll on my mental psyche. But now... now that I'm happy... I can listen to people talk about their problems, and I can actually give advice. Or at least my thoughts on the matter. I'm happy to be doing that again. I missed it a bit. I guess it just takes some time to recover.
It also takes people have problems to talk about.
Mostly it's been relationship issues...
But then again, I've also taken someone off the brink of depression. So I guess I'm doing good?
I've also gotten that comment because I've assured someone that I'll be there when they get the news of something major.
Life is good. I know I've been saying that a lot lately, but it's so true! I've been so happy that... I just can't look back. It's looking ahead at this point.
I hope for the best, but realize when it won't happen. I just said that to a friend, and I think it's so true right now.
I've grown and changed recently. I'm not sure what it was... but I do feel like a new person in a way.
And that's what on my mind today.
The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.
-- Luke 19:10
I've been hearing that a lot lately. I'll admit, it does make me smile. However, I don't feel I deserve it. I just do what I need to do; comfort my friends. I help them when things aren't going right. I just don't want them to end up like me; depressed and feeling so alone. I want them to remember that they'll ALWAYS at least have me.
I help people. I used to do it a lot, but I stopped when it was taking a toll on my mental psyche. But now... now that I'm happy... I can listen to people talk about their problems, and I can actually give advice. Or at least my thoughts on the matter. I'm happy to be doing that again. I missed it a bit. I guess it just takes some time to recover.
It also takes people have problems to talk about.
Mostly it's been relationship issues...
But then again, I've also taken someone off the brink of depression. So I guess I'm doing good?
I've also gotten that comment because I've assured someone that I'll be there when they get the news of something major.
Life is good. I know I've been saying that a lot lately, but it's so true! I've been so happy that... I just can't look back. It's looking ahead at this point.
I hope for the best, but realize when it won't happen. I just said that to a friend, and I think it's so true right now.
I've grown and changed recently. I'm not sure what it was... but I do feel like a new person in a way.
And that's what on my mind today.
The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.
-- Luke 19:10
Thursday
I'm never there when it matters most. I'm here to console you when things aren't as bad as they could be. But the second you really need me... the SECOND I could have saved you... I'm not there.
I feel awful.
You say you're better now... but where will I be when you get close to rock bottom again? How will I know that you're OK? More importantly... how will I feel when I know I could have prevented it?
Poem timez?
It's only inches on the map,
But you're a world away.
I start my day while you end yours.
You unwind,
Letting you get an easy sleep.
But I...
I have the day to reflect.
I tie myself down,
Just for you.
I lift myself away
And you call out for me.
But I never hear your pleas.
Maybe it was better, you say.
I say not a chance.
The guilt overwhelms me.
Then anger.
It's not true!
It's not the first time
But it aches the same.
I'm not there when I'm needed.
You're still here
No thanks to me.
It's not right
You're always there for me
Even when it doesn't matter.
I wish I could.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as in Christ God forgave you.
-- Ephesians 4:32
I feel awful.
You say you're better now... but where will I be when you get close to rock bottom again? How will I know that you're OK? More importantly... how will I feel when I know I could have prevented it?
Poem timez?
It's only inches on the map,
But you're a world away.
I start my day while you end yours.
You unwind,
Letting you get an easy sleep.
But I...
I have the day to reflect.
I tie myself down,
Just for you.
I lift myself away
And you call out for me.
But I never hear your pleas.
Maybe it was better, you say.
I say not a chance.
The guilt overwhelms me.
Then anger.
It's not true!
It's not the first time
But it aches the same.
I'm not there when I'm needed.
You're still here
No thanks to me.
It's not right
You're always there for me
Even when it doesn't matter.
I wish I could.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as in Christ God forgave you.
-- Ephesians 4:32
Wednesday
My grandma was buried today. Yes, I know; she died Monday. I guess they're pretty speedy about it.
Today was interesting...
I got some shopping done. With my dad. At least it was only shoes. I don't think I could have handled actual clothes shopping with him. Oh well.
MVD sucked.
I also saw Water for Elephants. Good movie. Had Polish people. :D. Also kinda sad.
Then mini golf. That was interesting. Also sucked a bit.
I don't have much to say, really. I'm just kinda excited to go back down to my sister. Apparently there is a plan brewing; and I can't wait to see it in action.
Uhmm.... Life is good.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock,
my refuge.
-- Psalm 62:7
Today was interesting...
I got some shopping done. With my dad. At least it was only shoes. I don't think I could have handled actual clothes shopping with him. Oh well.
MVD sucked.
I also saw Water for Elephants. Good movie. Had Polish people. :D. Also kinda sad.
Then mini golf. That was interesting. Also sucked a bit.
I don't have much to say, really. I'm just kinda excited to go back down to my sister. Apparently there is a plan brewing; and I can't wait to see it in action.
Uhmm.... Life is good.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock,
my refuge.
-- Psalm 62:7
Tuesday
Right now it seems that the more I talk to people, the more I fondly look back at how I was raised.
I've been having some really depressing conversations lately. Mostly about the issues we all have mentally and what not. A lot of problems these people have are based on how they were raised. A lot of people seem to have parents that smother them, and they never seemed to have had any free will. It just goes to show that how you were raised has a big impact on how you think and feel.
Personally, I was raised in a pretty free and open household. I did my thing, asked for help when I needed it... but I was generally left to my devices. Obviously that was later in life... but that's when it counted. Of course I had my parents teach my right and wrong and stuff like that when I was little. But didn't we all?
Maybe my parents weren't the most supportive people out there, but they did what they could. I think I kinda pulled myself away from them too. However, I grew up to be pretty healthy.. mentally at least.
I have the occasional depressive bout, but so do a lot of people. I've actually become fairly normal. I don't know when this happened...
So far, this summer makes me feel normal. I really honestly truly feel like myself. I had a little bit of an identity crisis last month were I was seriously not sure. But now... maybe I can't describe myself, but I feel like I am myself. I'm not longer pretending... and I'm not longer being shaped into someone else.
It's nice to be happy. It's nice to be free, but still have a reason to go back. It's nice to finally feel like there's nothing to hide.
Yeah, I am surprisingly happy. I don't know where it came from. But I'm loving it!
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we
might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you
have been healed.
-- 1 Peter 2:24
I've been having some really depressing conversations lately. Mostly about the issues we all have mentally and what not. A lot of problems these people have are based on how they were raised. A lot of people seem to have parents that smother them, and they never seemed to have had any free will. It just goes to show that how you were raised has a big impact on how you think and feel.
Personally, I was raised in a pretty free and open household. I did my thing, asked for help when I needed it... but I was generally left to my devices. Obviously that was later in life... but that's when it counted. Of course I had my parents teach my right and wrong and stuff like that when I was little. But didn't we all?
Maybe my parents weren't the most supportive people out there, but they did what they could. I think I kinda pulled myself away from them too. However, I grew up to be pretty healthy.. mentally at least.
I have the occasional depressive bout, but so do a lot of people. I've actually become fairly normal. I don't know when this happened...
So far, this summer makes me feel normal. I really honestly truly feel like myself. I had a little bit of an identity crisis last month were I was seriously not sure. But now... maybe I can't describe myself, but I feel like I am myself. I'm not longer pretending... and I'm not longer being shaped into someone else.
It's nice to be happy. It's nice to be free, but still have a reason to go back. It's nice to finally feel like there's nothing to hide.
Yeah, I am surprisingly happy. I don't know where it came from. But I'm loving it!
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we
might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you
have been healed.
-- 1 Peter 2:24
Monday
I think one of my grandmas died... I was on the phone with somebody that kept calling, and I just wanted them to stop. They were calling for my dad, and he's not here. I'm not sure where he is, to be honest. But, I think the person I was talking to said that his mom died. I can't say for sure, because I really wasn't paying attention. I kinda spaced... :| oops. Lets hope I heard wrong.
I was going to have such a nice intricate and beautiful post about death and hope, but for some reason, I just don't have the words to do so.
It's a crazy world out there, and you just don't know what's going to happen. Of course death is going to happen, there's no way to avoid it.
And for some people, death is so tantalizing. I know every once in awhile, it is for me.
I need to find out where this guy is buried... Even though I wasn't close to him, I really do need to visit him. He died a little more than a year ago.
Just a short one today.
ETA: My dad's mom did pass away. Prayers for my dad and his family. She lived to be 90 years old. Even though I didn't really know her; I love you grandma.
These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality,
however, is found in Christ.
-- Colossians 2:17
I was going to have such a nice intricate and beautiful post about death and hope, but for some reason, I just don't have the words to do so.
It's a crazy world out there, and you just don't know what's going to happen. Of course death is going to happen, there's no way to avoid it.
And for some people, death is so tantalizing. I know every once in awhile, it is for me.
I need to find out where this guy is buried... Even though I wasn't close to him, I really do need to visit him. He died a little more than a year ago.
Just a short one today.
ETA: My dad's mom did pass away. Prayers for my dad and his family. She lived to be 90 years old. Even though I didn't really know her; I love you grandma.
These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality,
however, is found in Christ.
-- Colossians 2:17
Saturday
I'm just not so sure anymore.
All I want to do is make myself a better person.
Right now, I think all I need to do is write a little poem about my day/how I'm feeling.
I don't ask myself "Who am I?"
For I already know.
Deep down, I am sure.
I just need to bring it back again
Freedom and love
That's what this summer is about.
I ask myself "Where is home?"
That's what really matters.
Where does my spirit belong?
It's not in the sloping valley
For that's no where my roots are;
Only my branches.
It's not where the mountains roll
For it lacks the sunshine;
Only the night skies stay.
It's certainly not the grassy plains
For there is no more water;
Nothing to fuel me.
You call me for help.
I answer with no thought.
I want to be by your side,
I want to help you
Just like you've helped me.
My words seem futile.
Do you even listen?
I want to say yes.
But I know it's not true.
So much pain between the both of us
Let me mend your heart
But all I can do is rip the stitches out
I feel bad
But you keep coming back.
How do I deny you again?
We obviously need each other.
But how do we go about this?
I'm so sorry.
I wish I never did this to you.
We were doing so well.
I just don't want you to go.
It's all my fault.
I'm selfish
I'm rude
I expect so much.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't mean.
Not ever.
Believe me when I apologize.
I know I'm not the first.
But I'm not the same,
And you know that.
Give me a chance, and I can change.
That's what summer is for, right?
I just don't know how to make it up to you.
Please for give me?
My words are sincere.
Even if they sound expected.
I just want everything to be ok.
But it won't be.
I guess I need to start all over again.
----------------------------------------
Anyway, I had a long talk with one of my friends. I'll admit, it made me nearly cry. I wish I could have actually done something for him, but I guess I just have to do what I can.
Then one of my friends pointed out that I've sort of been taking advantage of her. I didn't realize it, but what she said made a lot of sense. I feel awful because that was never the intention. I really need to stop expecting things out of people...
Anyway, my weekend hasn't been all that kind to me lately.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12
All I want to do is make myself a better person.
Right now, I think all I need to do is write a little poem about my day/how I'm feeling.
I don't ask myself "Who am I?"
For I already know.
Deep down, I am sure.
I just need to bring it back again
Freedom and love
That's what this summer is about.
I ask myself "Where is home?"
That's what really matters.
Where does my spirit belong?
It's not in the sloping valley
For that's no where my roots are;
Only my branches.
It's not where the mountains roll
For it lacks the sunshine;
Only the night skies stay.
It's certainly not the grassy plains
For there is no more water;
Nothing to fuel me.
You call me for help.
I answer with no thought.
I want to be by your side,
I want to help you
Just like you've helped me.
My words seem futile.
Do you even listen?
I want to say yes.
But I know it's not true.
So much pain between the both of us
Let me mend your heart
But all I can do is rip the stitches out
I feel bad
But you keep coming back.
How do I deny you again?
We obviously need each other.
But how do we go about this?
I'm so sorry.
I wish I never did this to you.
We were doing so well.
I just don't want you to go.
It's all my fault.
I'm selfish
I'm rude
I expect so much.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't mean.
Not ever.
Believe me when I apologize.
I know I'm not the first.
But I'm not the same,
And you know that.
Give me a chance, and I can change.
That's what summer is for, right?
I just don't know how to make it up to you.
Please for give me?
My words are sincere.
Even if they sound expected.
I just want everything to be ok.
But it won't be.
I guess I need to start all over again.
----------------------------------------
Anyway, I had a long talk with one of my friends. I'll admit, it made me nearly cry. I wish I could have actually done something for him, but I guess I just have to do what I can.
Then one of my friends pointed out that I've sort of been taking advantage of her. I didn't realize it, but what she said made a lot of sense. I feel awful because that was never the intention. I really need to stop expecting things out of people...
Anyway, my weekend hasn't been all that kind to me lately.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12
Thursday
Oh geez.
I'm over it, I really am. I've decided that it does not bother me! It's weird because I had a freak out over it yesterday, but after (sort of) sleeping... I realize that it's not a big deal. I believe you, and I believe that you won't do it again. Maybe I just want to forgive you because I love you so much, or maybe because I've been waiting for the day that it actually happens. In an awkward and weird way, it might have been a good thing. Silently we established boundaries, and we also established what feels right.
I know why I freaked out, though. You reminded me that we're both almost adults. Legally you're a bit closer than I am, but whatever. I'm having such a hard time accepting the fact that I have to grow up again, and become somebody. However, with you... it's different. I don't have to pretend to be anything. I just have to be who I think I am. And as it turns out... who I think I am is a person you love.
That's why when I almost started crying, it was because I didn't (and obviously still don't) want to lose you. I don't want to lose the person who makes me feel so happy. I don't want to lose the person who keeps me up at night because I'd rather relive an event with them than sleep. I don't want to lose the person who is, without a doubt, family. I NEVER abandon my family. I want to trust you with everything. I want you to know all my secrets. So far, you know all the major ones. You still love me, despite it all. In fact, you love me enough that it's like they don't exist! It hasn't changed a single thing.
You apologized. Twice. The first time I understood. The second was probably just so you would feel OK about it. I let it pass after the first time, but once you apologized the second... I started wondering. I started wondering if I really SHOULD forgive you. I am a forgiving person, and I actually like being touched. Maybe that's why you did that unconsciously- you knew I didn't really have any boundaries. Or maybe I should take you at your word, and believe it was just a 'caught up in the moment' thing. I'm believing you, though. Some things just happen, and I'm going to say that's one of them.
Then again, I also have to wonder... would this have ever happened between you and her? I just don't see it... maybe because I see the difference between us and it's just too big. Kind of almost literally. Not that I want to be mean or anything. Honestly though, you made me feel a little bit sexy. Which we all know is a shocker because I hardly ever really feel pretty.
You have somehow managed to take all my issues and make them into moments I'll remember forever. I told you I had a hard time trusting people because they always seem to leave; you reminded me that you will always be there for me. I told you that I have a hard time accepting it when people tell me I'm pretty; you made me feel more than that. I told you I've thought about suicide so many times; you have made me feel so happy that it hasn't crossed my mind in ages.
Right now, I can pinpoint a few things that I've said that aren't what people expect of me. I didn't really expect them to be true about me, but they are. I guess I never realized they were true because I never thought something like this would happen. As much as I feign innocence, we all know I'm not. I know he isn't, but I still see him as the good church going guy who has never had a girlfriend before. Things can change in an instant.
Anyway, I think I've said all that I can about that.
I take the ACT on Saturday. I think I can do pretty well. My practice test last night was a 32, so I should do fine... but we'll see I guess.
I've been trying to keep busy and go out as much as I can. It worked for the first half of the week. I'm winding down right about now. Today is supposed to be a study day, and tomorrow will be a packing and just tying up loose ends. Then I finally get to go home!
But I'll be back. There's a graduation that I want to go to. Then I go home for about a week. Then I come back because I have a flight to catch. CHICAGO!! :D
Then I have no clue what my July is like. Or August for that matter. We'll find out, I suppose!
I start summer school on Monday. That should be... interesting.
And I guess that's all, really.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I'm over it, I really am. I've decided that it does not bother me! It's weird because I had a freak out over it yesterday, but after (sort of) sleeping... I realize that it's not a big deal. I believe you, and I believe that you won't do it again. Maybe I just want to forgive you because I love you so much, or maybe because I've been waiting for the day that it actually happens. In an awkward and weird way, it might have been a good thing. Silently we established boundaries, and we also established what feels right.
I know why I freaked out, though. You reminded me that we're both almost adults. Legally you're a bit closer than I am, but whatever. I'm having such a hard time accepting the fact that I have to grow up again, and become somebody. However, with you... it's different. I don't have to pretend to be anything. I just have to be who I think I am. And as it turns out... who I think I am is a person you love.
That's why when I almost started crying, it was because I didn't (and obviously still don't) want to lose you. I don't want to lose the person who makes me feel so happy. I don't want to lose the person who keeps me up at night because I'd rather relive an event with them than sleep. I don't want to lose the person who is, without a doubt, family. I NEVER abandon my family. I want to trust you with everything. I want you to know all my secrets. So far, you know all the major ones. You still love me, despite it all. In fact, you love me enough that it's like they don't exist! It hasn't changed a single thing.
You apologized. Twice. The first time I understood. The second was probably just so you would feel OK about it. I let it pass after the first time, but once you apologized the second... I started wondering. I started wondering if I really SHOULD forgive you. I am a forgiving person, and I actually like being touched. Maybe that's why you did that unconsciously- you knew I didn't really have any boundaries. Or maybe I should take you at your word, and believe it was just a 'caught up in the moment' thing. I'm believing you, though. Some things just happen, and I'm going to say that's one of them.
Then again, I also have to wonder... would this have ever happened between you and her? I just don't see it... maybe because I see the difference between us and it's just too big. Kind of almost literally. Not that I want to be mean or anything. Honestly though, you made me feel a little bit sexy. Which we all know is a shocker because I hardly ever really feel pretty.
You have somehow managed to take all my issues and make them into moments I'll remember forever. I told you I had a hard time trusting people because they always seem to leave; you reminded me that you will always be there for me. I told you that I have a hard time accepting it when people tell me I'm pretty; you made me feel more than that. I told you I've thought about suicide so many times; you have made me feel so happy that it hasn't crossed my mind in ages.
Right now, I can pinpoint a few things that I've said that aren't what people expect of me. I didn't really expect them to be true about me, but they are. I guess I never realized they were true because I never thought something like this would happen. As much as I feign innocence, we all know I'm not. I know he isn't, but I still see him as the good church going guy who has never had a girlfriend before. Things can change in an instant.
Anyway, I think I've said all that I can about that.
I take the ACT on Saturday. I think I can do pretty well. My practice test last night was a 32, so I should do fine... but we'll see I guess.
I've been trying to keep busy and go out as much as I can. It worked for the first half of the week. I'm winding down right about now. Today is supposed to be a study day, and tomorrow will be a packing and just tying up loose ends. Then I finally get to go home!
But I'll be back. There's a graduation that I want to go to. Then I go home for about a week. Then I come back because I have a flight to catch. CHICAGO!! :D
Then I have no clue what my July is like. Or August for that matter. We'll find out, I suppose!
I start summer school on Monday. That should be... interesting.
And I guess that's all, really.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Saturday
I wrote you a letter of sorts... I figured that if you're going to love a broken girl, you may as well understand why she is broken. You also deserve to know why I love you so much, why it seems like I'm distant, and why I hardly talk about my past- at least, before high school.
Sure, it was a long letter... but there was a lot to say. I couldn't hold myself back. I want you to know it all. It might be a little selfish, I know. But I hardly care at this point.
While I wrote it, I wasn't sure if I really did want to give it to you. In the end, I knew I had to.
K, now the crypticness is over.
SAT today. Wasn't bad. Just took forever!! *sigh* I hate these timed tests!
I almost have my entire week planned. I just don't know when I'm going to pack... well, sometime soon, I'm sure!
I'm not sure I really have much else...
The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life
in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-- Romans 6:23
Sure, it was a long letter... but there was a lot to say. I couldn't hold myself back. I want you to know it all. It might be a little selfish, I know. But I hardly care at this point.
While I wrote it, I wasn't sure if I really did want to give it to you. In the end, I knew I had to.
K, now the crypticness is over.
SAT today. Wasn't bad. Just took forever!! *sigh* I hate these timed tests!
I almost have my entire week planned. I just don't know when I'm going to pack... well, sometime soon, I'm sure!
I'm not sure I really have much else...
The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life
in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-- Romans 6:23
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