Oh geez.

I'm over it, I really am. I've decided that it does not bother me! It's weird because I had a freak out over it yesterday, but after (sort of) sleeping... I realize that it's not a big deal. I believe you, and I believe that you won't do it again. Maybe I just want to forgive you because I love you so much, or maybe because I've been waiting for the day that it actually happens. In an awkward and weird way, it might have been a good thing. Silently we established boundaries, and we also established what feels right.

I know why I freaked out, though. You reminded me that we're both almost adults. Legally you're a bit closer than I am, but whatever. I'm having such a hard time accepting the fact that I have to grow up again, and become somebody. However, with you... it's different. I don't have to pretend to be anything. I just have to be who I think I am. And as it turns out... who I think I am is a person you love.

That's why when I almost started crying, it was because I didn't (and obviously still don't) want to lose you. I don't want to lose the person who makes me feel so happy. I don't want to lose the person who keeps me up at night because I'd rather relive an event with them than sleep. I don't want to lose the person who is, without a doubt, family. I NEVER abandon my family. I want to trust you with everything. I want you to know all my secrets. So far, you know all the major ones. You still love me, despite it all. In fact, you love me enough that it's like they don't exist! It hasn't changed a single thing.

You apologized. Twice. The first time I understood. The second was probably just so you would feel OK about it. I let it pass after the first time, but once you apologized the second... I started wondering. I started wondering if I really SHOULD forgive you. I am a forgiving person, and I actually like being touched. Maybe that's why you did that unconsciously- you knew I didn't really have any boundaries. Or maybe I should take you at your word, and believe it was just a 'caught up in the moment' thing. I'm believing you, though. Some things just happen, and I'm going to say that's one of them.

Then again, I also have to wonder... would this have ever happened between you and her? I just don't see it... maybe because I see the difference between us and it's just too big. Kind of almost literally. Not that I want to be mean or anything. Honestly though, you made me feel a little bit sexy. Which we all know is a shocker because I hardly ever really feel pretty.

You have somehow managed to take all my issues and make them into moments I'll remember forever. I told you I had a hard time trusting people because they always seem to leave; you reminded me that you will always be there for me. I told you that I have a hard time accepting it when people tell me I'm pretty; you made me feel more than that. I told you I've thought about suicide so many times; you have made me feel so happy that it hasn't crossed my mind in ages.

Right now, I can pinpoint a few things that I've said that aren't what people expect of me. I didn't really expect them to be true about me, but they are. I guess I never realized they were true because I never thought something like this would happen. As much as I feign innocence, we all know I'm not. I know he isn't, but I still see him as the good church going guy who has never had a girlfriend before. Things can change in an instant.

Anyway, I think I've said all that I can about that.

I take the ACT on Saturday. I think I can do pretty well. My practice test last night was a 32, so I should do fine... but we'll see I guess.

I've been trying to keep busy and go out as much as I can. It worked for the first half of the week. I'm winding down right about now. Today is supposed to be a study day, and tomorrow will be a packing and just tying up loose ends. Then I finally get to go home!

But I'll be back. There's a graduation that I want to go to. Then I go home for about a week. Then I come back because I have a flight to catch. CHICAGO!! :D

Then I have no clue what my July is like. Or August for that matter. We'll find out, I suppose!

I start summer school on Monday. That should be... interesting.

And I guess that's all, really.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18