GASP! it's almost new years and I haven't started the blog yet! Haha. Oh well. I'm sure I wouldn't put anything interesting in anyway.

It was a good year. New friends, new beginnings and some big problems

I was able to become more open and get out of my shell. I didn't think it was possible but it is. I'm not any skinnier, I only limited my computer usage for the first like... month... I still procrastinate and well... I totally am not letting my crushes know I like them :P.

So, my resolutions for next year?

1) LOSE WEIGHT!
2) Do better in math
3) Pray more
4) Write at least once a week
5) Procrastinate... less?
6) Learn something new
7) Stop focusing on the negative.

Tada! The last few are open for interpretation, but I know it's stuff I need to work on. (Especially 5). I think I can accomplish a lot of it. (Maybe not the first two).

So, basically... I'm so different from when I was last year. I've grown up and relapsed. I've started to come to terms with myself, and with what I do. I know I'm not all that I can be, but I can change. However, I know for sure that I have people that depend on me, and I know never again will I visit depression land. I'm done and over with it. Never will I think that I'm not worth it or that no one loves me. And never will I become cocky. I resolve that this up coming year is going to be filled with laughter, smiles and a lot of happy times. Friends, Family, Happiness and God. I'm all set.

I will live everyday I have for God. Whatever happens, I want him to be there and be proud of me. I want to love him as much as he loves me. I want him to look at me and smile. I want to see him and know that I've done all that I need to do. I'm here for a reason, and it's only begun. What I've done is only part of the reason why I'm here. Eleventyseven's "Beautiful" "Reach that far" and "How it feels" are the songs that basically sum up all that I wish I could say. I just don't know. I feel like I owe God so much. He gave me so much. I need to devote all I can to him. He is everything. So basically.... <3

There's nothing more I could ever hope for. I know my life is going to change so much in the next year. I hope it's good changes. Things that I can look back on and say... "I'm so glad that happened" I want to look back on the year and say... "Best year ever." I know I'll have my fair share of problems, but I hope they're minor and I can work through them. I just want to have a happy life.

So, this is my last post of 2009. Lets open up a new decade. :)

Christmas was amazing this year. It was all I could ever hope for.

I managed to be up early, not be crabby, be content with the presents I got, eat good food, and made up with a friend. It was fantastic. The snow stayed long enough for it to be pretty, but now it's melting and I'm happy with that.

I'm slowly plodding through my english project (that I should be working on now, to make up for lost time). I got a new phone the other day (an awesome touch screen phone that I've been playing with...) aaandddd... I'm managing not to be irritated by my friend. It's been pretty good all around.

D:

The math final I studied so hard for...

I got a 67. seriously. I mean, I'm still passing but... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I studied SO HARD for the class. I wanted to get above a 70. It didn't hurt my grade too much... I'm at a 72. What I was before I took the test last week.

My other finals I'm confident about. I'm just praying so hard that everything will go alright.

Ok, so I am really smiley right now.

I got back from confirmation class and we had to choose gifts or fruits of the Holy Spirit. (We didn't know what they were until we opened the box, however). I got Faithfulness. It gave me the boost I needed to know that... I know what God has been telling me. I just need to make the extra push and do it. That's what my next week is going to be. :) I also got a glow in the dark rosary that I plan on using very soon.

I'm also on a hunt to choose my confirmation name. I'm really drawn to the name Grace. It's such a pretty name and it was supposed to be my mom's name. Plus, it flows really nicely with my name. Elizabeth Grace /insert last name here. :)

Annddd I finally was able to talk with my ex without it being awkward. Smiled, laughed (quietly) and had good times. What touched me was that he felt like he had to tell me that he had a new girlfriend or he'd feel like a *insert word you can't say in church*. (Just for the record, it started with A. :P). Honestly.... was I surprised? Not in the least. I am actually very happy for him. Now if only I could solve my single problem... j/k. I don't care too much about being single. (However, I insisted that I'd be single for a long time more, he insisted that I wouldn't be and "promised" me that "tomorrow" I'd find someone. Heh... we'll see). But yeah, I felt so much better and a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can let this memory sit back and just stay back.

I think I'm starting a new leaf right now. I have a good feeling about this week. I really do.

Ooooh. Just to add, I went to my friend's birthday party the other day. I was able to successfully use chop sticks, (:D), had a desert that was on fire and annoy one of my buddies. :). Good weekend.

Just finals. And if I survive... I shall be very very happy.

So, basically... nothing.

Finals are coming up (just after this weekend). I'm going to go to my friend's birthday tomorrow. :D. That should be very fun.

I know this will be such a cliche thing to talk about... but I have no other place to put it. I know no one I talk to will be able to console me in the right way. I think I'm seriously done with guys. For a long time. (Just watch, I'll get a crush on a guy within the next week...).

Seriously. My crush on Rush dropped (meh. Normal). A guy I have no business liking found someone else (Normal as well) but I still like him (I should stop). There aren't any guys around me that I like. :\. I don't understand. Ok, actually I do. I'm always seen as the friend. Always. It doesn't matter if I flirt or not... (not like I ever do). Oh well.

Then there's... gah. I remember writing a little journal entry a few days ago. (Maybe a week?) how I found out why people think I'm older. I always present myself in a more mature way in class and to people I don't know... and supposedly I look older than 15/sophmore. I really don't understand that. /shrug. Oh well. I suppose people can think what they want.

But my goodness...

One of my friends is really stressed, and she might be sick. I don't know for sure, but I think another of my friends had a really frightening experience during lunch with the other friend. Prayers for her health, please. She does need it.

Hmm... lets see...

If things go well I can get my provisional in Feb. Meaning... I can drive without an adult in the car! :D

Er.. that should be all. Other than finals are going to kill me so hard. D:

Heh. Today was chilly.

Michael T... he refused to zip up his jacket because it wasn't 'hip'. XP

Well, nothing's cool about frostbite. Ya know, fingers turning black and falling off... :P :P


And then there's something about how I don't know about cool guys or something. And then... it all goes downhill.

Oh silly Michael... are you trying to make me jealous? Because it's working. It really is.

So, thanksgiving morning I'm just lounging around and at 9am I get this from him: "Happy thanksgiving Lizzie! I gave thanks for you today!". I was thrown a little off guard by this... but so sweet. It made me smile, and it always will. :D

Then, today I was waiting to be picked up. It was dark, I was alone, cold and a little paranoid, so I begin to text him. I'm like "Ok, so im alone and cold in a dark parking lot.. what's wrong with that picture?" His reply?

"Ok, so i'm alone in white sands with about 60 japanese high school girls that are extremely hard to flirt with cause they dont speak english!"
-_-. Thank you Michael. I really needed to know that right then and there. It made my life so much better. But I laughed at his misfortune. :P

Then, just a little while ago... "Ok, so i went for round two in the alamagordo movie theater. But to my surprise the japanese made the first move. A group of about 7 plopped down next to me, said something to me in japanese, played with my hair, and then kissed me on the cheek. Then an old japanese man slapped me on the back of the head and yelled something at the girls and points at me. Haha. The only thing i could make out was whiteboy. We flirted all through the movie..."

Bleeehhhh. Well, thank you for that. It made me smile and laugh a bit. (seeing as he gets into a whole bunch of shenanigans). However... we've been talking on and off a bit lately... and idk. I like that he talks to me. It's fun. :). I wouldn't say that I like him enough to like, date him or whatever... but I definitely want to know more about him. For sure.

Anyhow... today was fun. I saw my friends, met a few of her friends. 'twas an amazing time. I saw a kid I haven't seen since like... 6th grade. (ok fine, more like two years, but still). I met some new people and got inspired to learn how to play the guitar and banjo. XP

And I found some one that writes "Lizzie" and not "Lizzy". Such a nit picky detail, but it makes me happy. ^^'.

Hmmmm... Oh, I learned how to knit today. It's going alright. I'm just practicing right now. Maybe I can knit something exciting...

So close to being done with NaNo!!! ~5,000 words left. I can do that in like, two days... XP

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! It's an amazing day. So much to be thankful for.

I have to say, I am very thankful for all of my friends. They are amazing people and I have no idea how I would be able to live without them. So, Sarah, Ashley, Bri, Michael(s), Calvin, Tasha, Shi, Colin, Kaija, Carla, Katie, Nicole and Ali... all of you are amazing! I love you and hope you all realize that my life would not be complete without any of you. ♥

I have a separate thanks for my family. Thanks for believing in me, and doing what you think is best... even if it annoys me to no end sometimes.

A super special shout out to God. You are amazing. I love you and hope to love you more and more with every passing day. Thank you so much for giving me this day, and all the days I've lived. :)

'Tis almost Thanksgiving!

I sat on a train for like, an hour and a half. It was pretty interesting... I had about no time to find a seat (not like I could with how heavy my suitcase was...). And I talked to this really cool guy next to me.

If there are two questions I hear that I never get tired of.. they have to be, "Are you a senior?" and "Are you two related?" The answer to both (typically) are 'no'. Depends who I'm with when the second one is asked, but I'm usually with my friend Ashely.

I was asked the first one today. On the bus. I really don't get why anyone would think I'm a senior. I don't act like one... I don't look like one.. I'm not even smart enough to be one. Oh well. So it goes.

Aannd... in Spanish class, this kid was like "... And you're both attached at the hip, even though she's a freshman." (talking about Ashley). XD Oh silly.

Anyway.... I think that's it. Other than Rush (kid in my Spanish class) downed like, two of my water bottles(~32 fl oz). Crazzzyyyy. haha.

That should be all.

Other than NaNo taking over my life.

Why is it that after I decide that I'm done with guys... that I get a crush on one?

It always happens. I swear, this always happens. I decide that all I want is to focus of school and just have fun. Then... I meet a new guy and I realize that I like him. It gets frustrating. But oh well.

There's this guy in my Spanish class. I can't help it... he is funny, sweet and totally a guy I would love be around a lot more than three times a week. Aaannddd.. he's a freshman. Not that I have anything against freshmen, I'm not much older than most of them. He's one of the few guys that are not total jerks.

If anything, I've gotten so used to not having my water bottle in Spanish. Ever since like... the first day I brought it to school, he's been drinking out of it. I'm just so used to either just giving it to him, or him just taking it. It's that bad... not that I mind, really.

But yeah... I know that I don't have a chance with him. I know I don't, and I don't really want to pursue any guys anyway... I just want him out of my head. Seriously. That's it. All I want are guy friends. I highly doubt by next school year he'll even remember me...

*sigh*

Life...

And just when I thought life was going so well.

:\

I swore I would never be like this but... I have no choice. It happened. Can I change it? Yes, but it'd be like loosing a part of me. I just can't. It's too hard. grrrr.

If I could express everything I could. However, this is all I'm going to say, and this is what I want to say to him:

You don't have to shut down and become defensive when I make one comment. I'm young and I don't know how to word everything correctly. Just because I said something, doesn't mean you have to feel guilty because you're the one who said it first. I like you, I really do. But sometimes I wonder... I open myself up to you, I tell you things it takes MONTHS for other people to know. I let you inside my mind, I let you know about the worst times of my life. You pay me back by refusing to let me know what's on your mind. You don't accept it when I tell you everything's OK. It's so frustraing. I don't even know why I put up with it... but I do.

You are an amazing guy. Really, you are. I wish you could see that about your self. I can't always be there to hold your hand and convince you that you are. I hate to say it, but... it's true. Maybe both of us have some growing up to do. I with experience and you with... well... I don't know.

Sometimes, your need to know everything that goes on in my mind is... it's irritating. I don't like to let people inside my thoughts. It's uncomfortable. I have enough trouble with letting my friends in, and I've known some of them for years. I've only known you for months. It's a trust issue. I... I have more issue than you know. You don't know all of them, because I don't know why.

I'm glad you are a great listener when you need to be. I'm grateful for when you're able to comfort me. I'm glad you're in my life. But maybe... maybe you're being too intruding. Or not. Probably not.

Do you know how much it frustrates me when you hide stuff from me? I try to talk to you, and you just build this brick wall that takes forever to take down. Sometimes I don't even trust you when you say you're OK. When you say "Don't worry" I worry more. I don't need to know details, I just want to know why you're so sad and down. I want to be for you, what you are for me. I want to be able to comfort you, to be a good listener.

I've told you that I need to mature. You know that. You even know why. I just wish you would keep in mind that... I act more like a 10 year old than 15 year old. It's my tragic flaw. I just can't act like a normal teen. There are so many things that you should know...but I can't bring myself to tell you. Maybe it's for the best...

This sounds so depressing. I know it does... but it's what's on my mind. You always want to know, so here you go. Uncensored. It's not so great, is it? Trust me, you want to stay as far away from me as possible. I hate to even think this thought... but maybe I'm going to push you out of my mind tonight. Maybe I'll forget. Just for a little while. It hurts, but... maybe it has to be done.

In other news... HALLOWEEN! :D yay. I'm going trick or treating and having fun with my friends. It looks like it should be a fun night...

This post is going to sound totally vain but... I have to say it. If you really know me, it's like it's a revelation of some sorts.

I never realized how... pretty I could be.

Totally vain, right?

Well... today I was wearing my black dress which... actually makes me look really nice. I originally got it for my graduation dance (8th grade). It's about knee-length and form-fitting. While I am overweight... I have to admit, I have some pretty nice curves XD.

Anyway. I took my hair down (it's ALWAYS in a ponytail), and I looked in the mirror... and I realized... I was pretty. Now... it seems like something that everyone either embraces or denies. I hate to say it... but I'm in the middle. I'm not really embracing it... but I don't think I'm going to be denying it from now on. (Or at least... I'll try not too).

Does this mean I've raised to a new level of confidence? Oh heck no. I'm just realizing who I am... just a little bit late. And I'm seeing what everyone else sees. Maybe life isn't so bad after all :)

I tend to feel better if I post what's on my mind so I can get it out of my mind.

One, I feel so anxious to get NaNo started. I'm also worried... but, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

Two, there's this girl in my choir who is pregnant. She's engaged, too. (BTW, she's a senior). Blargggg. I made my little freshman buddy promise me she'll wait until she's at least in college before she has sex. I'm pretty sure she was just saying that to make me happy, but ya never know.

Wow. It's been a little while. Nothing too amazing has been happening. Just life as normal. I took the PSAT's a little while ago. That was... interesting. (Gonna take the PLAN next month, too).

Math is going... not too bad. I got a 75 on my last test. :D (hey, it's passing. Not the B or higher I'm used to, but IT IS PASSING!). I was so freakin' happy that day. No joke.

Uhm... it's been getting colder. Fall weather, finally. I'm not a big fan of how cold it can get, but it's better than boiling. Not like my wardrobe changes much from just putting on a sweater :P. (And maybe putting sneakers on, too... ).

Hmm.... Oh! I got a new computer. So, now I finally have my own. I had a little adventure with make up. It was OK. Not like I'm going to start wearing make up that often anyway.

And, I think that's about it... (Other than some geeky spazzing over Mythbusters and Ninja Warrior).

I don't think words can describe how I'm feeling. I can try, but it won't be easy.

For one part, I have intense guilt and sadness that's bearing over me. My sister got my report card. :\ Crap. Ok, so I already know I'm not doing good in math. At all. I KNOW that. My first six weeks was a total disaster. I had no freakin' clue what I was doing, and I did BAD. Like, really bad. Failing bad. Yeah, seriously.

Like others, I have a pride thing. I really thought I could do this on my own. I REALLY did. I know I was foolish to believe that now, but I don't know. It's hard. I used to be really good at math. I guess I just missed out on some important things.

I feel guilty because I could have avoided this. I could have asked for help. I could have done so many things. It's obviously way too late for that.

It's not too late for me to bring up my grade by semester- because it's THOSE grades that count. I'm starting to understand things. New concepts are starting to come up.... and I think I can do OK.

Alas... Oh well. It's OK. I know my sister is really pissed at me, but my parents will understand. I just feel like I've disappointed some important people, though. :(

Retreat part two:

Started with a funeral/mass. It wasn't too bad. Really somber and quiet. We did some talking... and it really wasn't that bad. It was just wayyyy to early in the morning. It really was. Bleh. Oh well.

Otherwise, I had an AMAZING weekend. On Saturday evening, my sister, her boyfriend and I went to Greek Fest. Good food. Yum. It was a good time. My sister learned how to work my film camera I use for my photography class.

Sunday (today) we got up wayyy early (5AM) to go to balloon fiesta. Totally worth being up early. Got some good pictures. Balloons went up even though pilots were a little worried. It was basically amazing. I love balloon fiesta. Every year you can see them dotting the sky. :)

So tired though. Lets see if I can actually function in school tomorrow. :P

Retreat : Part uno!

Alright, so tonight was the first leg of my first religious retreat. I wish I could say it felt powerful. I wish I could say I felt God. I wish I could. But I can't. Yes, I did feel utter calmness through a good portion of it, but I wasn't touched. It certainly was a powerful experience for some people. But.... for me... I just felt like I was there.

I know it'll take time. I didn't expect for anything to happen to me. I just wish I could open my mind and heart fully. I know I can do it. I just need to let some stuff go.

Tomorrow is going to be the second part of the retreat. We'll see what happens then :)

Gah. I am so freakin' stressed out.

It always amazes me at how much people can hide behind a mask.

Some people are just so good at pretending that everything is OK. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I have a friend that is desperately trying to get herself on the right path. She is doing a good job, but she's struggling. Over the weekend, something bad happened. I'm not going into the details for her sake, but it's still jarring.

Today in photography, the beginning was a little saddening. She admitted what happened, she even cried. But... by the end we were just laughing and having so much fun.

I'm amazed at her strength. I just wish could be a better friend to her. I wish I could be a better support. I could be, but I just don't know how to be. Maybe just being there for her right now is good enough.

What better to stop the blog neglect by posting a new blog? This one is an important one. This one is what truly needs to be said. This is the post that I have to have a constant reminder of.

I have a renewed faith in God. It was my first day back into confirmation. I know two people that are in year one. I'm sitting and waiting for my class to start. I realize something.

I know why I want to be confirmed.

I believe in GOD. I believe that Lord Jesus is my savior. I believe that the Holy Spirit is dwelling in me RIGHT NOW. I believe that being Catholic is the path my soul is destined to take. I believe that, even though I am not as spiritual as I should be, that it's never to late to change that. I believe that my soul is going to heaven, and I am going to see God.

Now, it's taken a long time for me to realize this. But, I realize that I need to start become a child, a warrior and a follower of God more than ever right now. I need to have Jesus worked into my life. I need him to be following me as I walk down hallways, I need him sitting next to me in my classes, I need him as I help my friend realize who her true friends are. I need him in everything I do.

What better time to ask him to be with me? I just got over a wave of stress, confirmation is starting again and I need something that will never change. I don't want to become someone who feels alone anymore. I'm tired of having a feeling of loneliness. I just need Jesus. I need him so much.

I don't want this to be a one day thing. I want this to reverberate through my whole week. I want this feeling to be re-energized with every passing day. Most importantly, I would LOVE prayers as I make my journey. My confirmation is supposed to be May 11th. It's a while away, but it's a day that I look forward too.

I love each and every one of you. I hope God blesses you all.

Woah. Slight blog neglect.

School has been.... crazy. New classes, teachers and friends. It's also pretty stressful because I have some pretty hard classes this year. Honors English, Honors Algebra 2/Trig. Etc. It's not too hard now, it's just really.. iffy. It's going to be HARD. :|

Then there's the fact that I'm going to be very sleepy. I'm not a morning person. I haven't been for awhile. I can't just wake up and be chipper. At least a half hour. but seriously.... being up at 6:30 everyday is bleh.

Hmmmm.... what else? Oh yeah, my computer died. So I have to use my sister's laptop. How fun.... so, no writing since there's many factors that inhibit it. ^^'

Gah, earlier today was absolutely horrible. I wanted to go to the library, my sister came home and she was like, "Do you want to go?" and, of course I do.... but I have to drive. At that point, I feel like I'm going to fall asleep so I say I don't want to drive. So, a big huge fight spanning.... many hours happens.

I cry.... a lot. Lots of yelling. That's all normal. But, the part that scared me was that I started to hyperventilate. For what felt like... five minutes. I almost felt like I was going to pass out. :\

Yeah...

Uh....

On a happier note, I actually did go to the library. Got some books. :)

Hmmmm

I iz fifteen now. :D yay.

Many things. I got my school schedule, and it's pretty epic:
Photography
Honors Algebra 2/Trig (which I have with a good friend of mine)
Choir (with both my friends)
Biology (with the same science teacher as last year)
World History/Geography
Spanish 1 (which I have with another good friend)
Honors English 10

/Nods. Yesh. Epicness. (Well, besides the heavy books I have to carry).

I have my learner's permit. Oh no... be afraid. :P

Uh... today was my last day of driver's ed. Yippe. Now I have a week to slack off before I get back to school mode. Which... that'll be fun.

Hm... what else? /shrug. Nothin' really, I guess. It's been pretty mellow... besides my computer being ancient and frustrating. But that's a whole story that is really boring and not much fun to tell. Soo... yeah. ^^

I am so confused. I have NO idea what I'm doing. And I feel somewhat guilty. But... I'm also kinda happy... and... amused.

Now, you'll see why as I lay out this story. So, I'm taking an afternoon driving class. (From one to five). And, until today, I haven't had much interaction with the other students.

This guy begins to start talking with me and stuff like that. Now, it doesn't take me long to realize he likes me. (Lol. Guys can be so obvious sometimes.^^'). You know, during the breaks it's me and this other guy just walking around, talking, laughing and just having fun, really.

Now, do you want to know why I feel guilty? I'm still taken... and he's getting a little touchy. (Not really full on holding hands, I've been shying away from holding his hand, but I'll let him hold my hand/fist. lol.) He'll lay his head on me, put his arms around me and stuff like that. So... guilt, obviously.

I'm pretty sure why you can figure out my happy/amused side. Honestly... guys don't flirt/like me. It just doesn't happen. So..... two within 6 months-ish? Yeah, pretty amusing that only now guys are starting to show that. I know that I'm intimidating, for whatever reason. I realize that... but... there's a lot that goes into that.

But, here's the thing... I'm not physically attracted to this guy. I mean, he's fun, and he would be an AWESOME guy to have as a friend. And, I only really want friends right now.

It's dangerous for me to think. I'm discovering myself. I don't know who I am, and... I think I'm afraid of other people knowing before I do. And this all started with a little argument.

My friend and I consistently argue who is the better poet. Today, she finally decided to do something. She put a note on Facebook, put one of my poems, one of her poems and told people to vote. (Idk how long the voting is lasting, but so far, she's winning).

Then, this guy started talking to me. I realized something... there's a reason why I don't like to share my poetry with people in real life. I write purely for fun. I write for the sake of writing. It's just me. I put words down that I like, that I feel are the words my soul/brain is thinking.

I write in an awkward way. I break sentences unnaturally, have awkward beats, no rhymes. Nothing that makes a traditional poem. It's my hands doing what my head says is right. That's all.

I wish I could say I put emotion in my poems, but I don't. I detach myself from my writing. But, yet... I'm attached.

There's a deeper reason why I don't share my poetry. While I'm not fully in my poetry, it's that one bit that IS in there that... makes me not want to share. That bit is a part of me that maybe I don't know. If I don't know, then how I could I expect ANYONE to understand?

Even if I understand that bit that's in my poetry, chances are no one else will. They can say that they understand, but they lie. They can't understand. They can have their interpretation, and I encourage them to. But they will never understand why I strung together certain words.

The thing is... I've always been different. Since the moment I was born, I was different. I helped my father out of depression. I learned Polish before English (yet, I speak English much better than most). I was potty trained before I could walk. I lost my front teeth before anyone else, I'm sure. My life has been far from simple. I've had to guard myself in every way possible. Emotional pain just isn't worth it anymore.

Though, I don't feel like it's my place to say that last bit. I... I've grown up in a very loving home. I have friends who can cheer me up, and at least be there to listen. I haven't been hurt that bad, not by a long shot.

Ok, so I've moved a few times. So my best friends stopped talking to me for awhile. So I feel like I have been abandoned, multiple times. But, these things happen. It's life!

I just feel like I'm not complete. I don't know who I am, or why I am the way I am. I'm afraid that someone might find something that I don't know about.

I'm afraid of people getting too close.

I'm afraid of people knowing who I am.

I'm afraid that I won't know myself.

Mostly, I'm afraid of what I can't feel.

Isn't it funny that you can know obscure things about a person, but not know the basics?

There's this girl that has recently started to come to book club. She is an amazing and fantastic person. Yeah, she's a little quirky and out of the norm, but I can tell that she is a good person. She's bubbly, and really isn't afraid to speak her mind.

I have to say, book club is my sanity saving grace. I will wake up on Thursdays ready to go. The people are nice and we all just kinda... click. We are an obscure group, to say the least. Mostly girls. (There is one guy, though). We have some quiet people, we have some loud people.

Though, the one thing we share is that we love books. We love to read. Maybe we don't like the same books, but we give it a try. We are all... somewhat intellectual. I'm not really all that surprised that this is what keeps me sane.

I can't wait for the social next week. It's fun just talking. Once we hit on a subject, words just fly. It's really fun. It makes me wish that I could stay here. Darn school.

I'm not really sure why I'm blogging about this. Probably because I have nothing better to do. My summer is almost gone. But, somehow, I'm content. I've done absolutely nothing with my summer, but... I feel like it's been good. Maybe it's not the wild, crazy summer others might have... I just feel this summer was me. (or, so far at least. I still have about 2-3 weeks left. lol. )

I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I mean, I need to say something. I need to get something, anything off my chest. I feel horrible. My day was boring, but that usually doesn't get me down. I really feel depressed. Honestly, right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for hours and hours on end. If it lets me just get away from everything.

My friend that I was talking to earlier asked how my day was... and for once I was honest. I don't think she even cares that I'm feeling depressed. I mean, she was telling me about her day... I'm sitting here writing (I got inspiration...), and she's like, "you don't even care, do you?". I don't know why, but I just got so irritated. Only five minutes ago, I told you my day was depressing, and I don't know why. Shouldn't that raise a flag???!?!?!

/sigh. Aly- I know you're going to read this eventually. Whether you comment or not, I know you're there, and I thank you. I just feel so down. I know I should be getting up and getting out, but I don't know anymore. However, I know I have the same strength I had in sixth grade. I'm going to get through this.

These are the times that I'm glad to have a christian radio station that I can fall back on. Maybe some good music, sleep and just letting go will make me feel just a little better tomorrow. :)
-
I just want to edit because I don't feel like making a new post. Ok, so some sleep did me good. I'm sleepy, but not depressed feeling. I actually kind of want to get out of the house today. So 'm pretty sure that means I'm feeling better. :D

Ipod thingy stolen from Aly

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down

If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
"Secondhand Dreaming" by Ruth

How would you describe yourself?
"More than Useless" by Relient K. (:( RK is mean. XD)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Bee Your Man" By Relient K

How do you feel today?
"I'll Get Over It (Miss Elaineous)" By Everyday Sunday

What's your life purpose?
"Redemption" By Switchfoot

What do your friends think of you?
"Movin' On" By Needtobreathe

What do your parents think of you?
"Softer to me" By Relient K

What do you often think about?
"Cross the line" by Ruth

What do you think about the person you like?
"Hello McFly" By Relient K (XD)

What is your life's story?
"Who I am hates who I've been" By Relient K (hmm...)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers (I hope not D:)

What will they play at your funeral?
"For the moments I feel faint" by Relient K (Hmm... fitting. I think)

What is your biggest fear?
"Knew it all" by Needotbreathe

What is your biggest secret?
"Untitled" by Simple Plan

What is your future going to be like?
"Sadie Hawkins Dance" By Relient K

What do you see in the person you like?
"Paperthin Hymn" By Anberlin

What will the song be for you and your spouse?
"Twenty-Four" by Switchfoot

---This is where the original one I found stops, but I'ma keep going with another one I just found. I'm having too much fun doing this. I have to do this more.---

Will you get far in life?
"18th Floor Balcony" by Blue October (D:)

Will you get married?
"If" by House of Heroes

What is your best friend's theme song?
"Move Along" by All-American Rejects

What was high school like?
"Mood Rings" by Relient K (So far, yes!)

How can you get ahead in life?
"Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall

What is the best thing about your friends?
"Up and UP" by Relient K (Indeed)

What is in store for this weekend?
"Again" by Needtobreathe

To describe your grandparents?
"Intro (Instrumental)" by House of Heroes (It's so pretty!)

How is your life going?
"You and me" by Lifehouse

How does the world see you?
"Fast Enough" by House of Heroes

Will you have a happy life?
"Devastation and Reform" by Relient K :(

Do people secretly lust after you?
"Shrink the world" by Yellowcard

How can I make myself happy?
"Love will make you beautiful" by The Afters

What should you do with your life?
"I hate Christmas Parties" by Relient K

Will you ever have children?
"Where do I go? (acoustic)" By Relient K

If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
"She is" by The Fray

What does your mum think of you?
"I'm Lion-o" By Relient K XD

What is your deep dark secret?
"Godspeed" by Anberlin

What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (XD Wonderful)

What's your personality like?
"Trust me" by The Fray (yay?)

What's your motto?
"Waiting Game" by Yellowcard

What do you think about often?
"You" By The Afters

What do you want right now?
"Meant to live" by Switchfoot
----
Wheeeee. That was fun. I know, I have like, a bazillion RK songs. What can I say? I like a lot of their music. XD. That was fun.

So, here's what I was thinking about in the car a few minutes ago. "Why do I still trudge through my life everyday?" It's a depressing question, but I wonder. I'm no where near smart enough, courageous enough, or even innovative enough to really make a difference in the world. I mean, I'd like to become a forensic scientist, but I don't think the chances of that happening is very high.

I mean, my life right now is meaningless. I mean, I have friends, but... they really never hang out with me. I can read, and I can write, but... what is it for? It's just to keep myself from going insane with boredom. Honestly, if I died within this year, my impact would not be that big. I've done nothing.

This does sound depressing, I know. I'm just thinking. I guess I feel kind of lost. Maybe that talk I had last night did something to me. I.... I am feeling more reflective. I'm really wondering about everything. What do I know? Why has God put me on this earth? I must have a great future coming because so far, it's done nothing.

Well, almost nothing. I'd rather not go into it, but I'm sure that I, myself, am the cause of all my stress in my life. Every bad thing has happened because of myself. I'm positive.

I think I should also go sleep so I wake up happier tomorrow. I mean, staying up til two AM is fun, but I'd rather not do it often.

So, I'm sitting here, with the lights off, and bugs swarming the light of the computer screen. (Just thought I'd let you know). I'm talking to this one guy I haven't seen since we graduated sixth grade together. It's... interesting to say the least. I find that he hasn't really changed much. I'm wondering if I've changed. I probably have. I don't think I'm that same girl I was three years ago. But, I'm still close.... I think.

I realize I should either close my window, turn my fan off or put on another shirt. I'm cold... but I don't feel like getting up. Not until I give up and go to bed. Which should be soon because I'm supposed to go and see the parade with my friend later today... (It's 12:20 AM). Bah. As long as I can stay semi-awake... I can always take a nap later. Meh. Or I could go to bed earlier tonight. I think there's a reason I go to bed at 11 most nights.

Oh well. Nothing much to report. I just finished reading "Fablehaven: Grip of the Shadow Plague" a little while ago. And "City of Bones" a few days ago. Now time to open a really big book. Lol. We'll see how long until I finish this one. It's called "Gone"

Alright. I'll just say Happy Fourth of July, and then maybe go to bed soon? heh...

I realized I never really have meaningful posts. Well... nothing ever meaningful ever happens in my life. Except for today.

Early this morning, five teens were in a car accident with a suspected drunk driver. The four passengers are dead, and the driver in critical condition. The supposed drunk driver is fine.

I don't personally know these girls (and guy). None the less, it's a very upsetting thing. They had barely started their lives. (One girl was 15, the others 16). They had numerous friends and family. Even people who don't know them (like me) are touched.

Any prayers are helpful. Even keeping them in your thoughts is good. It's sad to think that this is life. It's sad to say that it happens. I feel like I'm making a big deal, but this is the closest thing to a 'personal' death that I've ever had. I'm lucky that no-one I know has died. I hope it stays that way for a long time.

In other news, my dad has returned from his trip safely. Also, I got my new glasses. :).

Huh. So I had my eye doctor's appointment today. Nothing unusual, except, it felt quicker. Probably because I didn't have my eyes dilated, nor did I have my peripheral vision checked. One thing that I can't get used to when I get my eyes checked is the puff of air that they do. That always makes me jump. Always.

Anyway, getting my new prescription was really simple. Took all of like, ten minutes. But yeah... the one thing that my doctor said that REALLY made me happy was that if I wanted to get contacts, I'd be a good candidate. He seriously said that. My eyes are healthy (even if I am going slightly blind :P). But, I'm not THAT blind. My right eye is like.. -4.00 and my left is -4.50. (Or something like that.) It hasn't changed much from the glasses from two years ago ('cause those were the ones that were being compares against).

But when he compared my old to my new I was like, "Yes. Good. Perfect." 'Cause I had noticed that my old ones... things that were a little further away, started to get fuzzy. So, I am happy about my new ones. :D And I found a new style that I like... so, maybe when I get my haircut (D: I needs to grow faster!!) I'll be happy. (Even if I didn't get contacts. Maybe next year.)

I wouldn't be surprised if, in the future, I'd need therapy for abandonment issues or something. I sure feel like it'd be great to have a therapist now for that reason. I know it's never intentional... but.. :\ still. No one can do anything without me analyzing it and coming to a conclusion. It just happens. That's me.

But yes, I do feel lonely right now. One of my best friends just got a new boyfriend. I actually know the boyfriend this time. I know she probably really like him, but the fact that she's not talking to me kinda makes me sad. This happened before, too. I guess I should get used to it. Even if I don't want to.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I like being alone. But there are times when I feel like everyone's just too busy with everyone else in their lives. I get that. Sometimes I feel like I neglect some of my friends from time to time, too. I'm willing to admit that. I know I do it. I try not to, but it happens.

I seriously wonder if I put up that much of a front. Do my friends really not realize when I'm hiding something that really bothers me? Am I that good at hiding it? I hope not.

I remember a bumper sticker on facebook that says something like... "I want a person that when I say I'm Ok, they say, 'Tell me the truth'" Or something like that. I think... I want that too. Maybe I'd be startled and put up my guard more, or maybe I'd give in. I will only know when it happens.

Too bad it probably never will. No one is ever that interested in my life. Yes, it's boring, but I need someone to care. I guess... I'm just sorta afraid of being lost in the background

It's happened before, I think. I tend to be a wallflower. I know I have been, and I know I will be. I'm not one to stand out in a crowd. But, I don't want to completely blend in. I don't want to become transparent, and have people forget about me.

I don't think I've ever realized how afraid I am of being left completely alone. With no one. I've felt being helpless and alone before. Some long stretches, some short spurts. Every time, I've just felt rock bottom. I hate it.

Sad thing is, I pick up signs when people are too busy with others. I pick them up quickly, and I know before the other person knows. Like with my friend that got a new boyfriend? It only took like, two minutes into the convo before I knew she was caught up in something more. I remembered this behavior. Then another friend, it took me accusing her of not liking me to see what she's done. She'd be online, but never talk to me, but she's talk to another friend. It took two friends getting to know each other more and more that made me feel slightly left out.

It's a history. I over analyze, and things always turn out bad. I can't help it. I over think because I have nothing better to do. It's sad really.

I've been researching. (Yes, I am a dork that way). More specifically, I've been researching contacts. I want contacts. I'm sorta trying to change my general appearance a little bit. (I'm going to get a haircut soon... depends on how my hair grows...)

I kinda wanna get contacts. I'm pretty sure this is the thing I want to do. I just have to sort everything out. First off: Why?: Weeellll, performances (choir, and maybe drama) will be easier. I do not have the glare of my glasses, nor am I going to be tempted to re-adjust them. (And well, not touching your face is a big deal in choir). I won't be bothered by smudges right in my field of vision. I will have peripheral vision. (Something I haven't had the joy of in a long time). I'll look older. (And considering how short I am... Plus, it reflects that I'm a little more mature... or at least, that's what I think). I have pretty eyes! (I, and many others, think this).

(I'm thinking about getting this certain kind of contact lens- Gas Permeable [GP for short]... mostly because that's the one I have the most info on...)

Pros: GP lenses are long lasting, and durable. These lenses have a chance of slowing down near-sightedness. (Which is what I am). They have clearer vision than soft contacts. They allow much more oxygen to pass through than the soft/gel/whatever contacts.

Cons: The GP lenses have a few weeks as an adjustment time. (However, if I get them this summer, I can adjust before schools starts). Contacts in general can be expensive, but if you shop the right brands, it could be no more than a pair of glasses! The care regimen- I MUST be very strict in following it. (I think I can handle it, though). They can tear (well, the soft ones are more likely to).

Sooooo.... what to do?

*stretch* Mmm.... Enjoying a Sunday off. I'm really tired, and should be taking a nap because I slept next to nothing last night. No, seriously. I went to bed around like, 10:45, but couldn't fall asleep. So, I got up, used the bathroom and got water. Go back to bed. Tossed and turned, probably fell asleep for a little while... was up at like, 3AM. Probably went and got some more water... probably slept a little. 6/7/8 AM, up again! Then I just drifted in and out before I just gave up and had breakfast at 9:30.

But, anyway, last night I was thinking about how my sister always has these "crushes" on people in my school/performances...

It all started in Elementary school. It was some band/choir performance (once I was in 4th grade, I did both for three years...) This particular incident happened in 6th grade. My sister came to see my performance and was talking on about how the guy who sits behind me (-_- the guy I kinda liked at the time, too) was cute or something. (Either that or how we would look good together). However, it's only when she gets a new crush that she brings him up again.

Then there was 8th grade. Graduation, to be exact. Since it was the last time I'd ever see like, any of those people again, I was taking pictures with some of them. I decided (stupidly) to take a picture with this one guy that was kinda mean to me this year. (He's a total ego-maniac, I'm telling you!). But, I took a picture with him because... well... he was kinda sweet if you got to know him (when he's AWAY from his friends). And so like, everyone (ok, fine, my sister and my cousin... and a few friends...) thinks he's like... 'hot' or whatever. :\ yeah.. uh.... suuuureeee..... (>< ok, fine I admit it! I think he is kinda cute.)

Then, the most recent one. It was at my drama performance only a few weeks ago. (It was May 29th, I believe). We were driving home and she I'm not really sure what she said. Something along the lines of hinting he was cute/liking him/I should go out with him/we would look cute together/whatever. I was all, "He's 10." (But hey, for ten... I feel like a pedo- but he is kinda cute). And she goes, "Oh... he's too young." Gee. Really? :P :P :P

But yeah... those are the ones that I can think of. (I'm sure you've noticed that my sister always picks out the guys that I like/think is/are (whatever is gramatically correct) cute.)

Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I'm just so frustrated. *sigh* My friend is so rude, and mean and just ugh. I seriously hate the way she acts. She acts like she's the princess and everyone should care about her problems. I seriously think she thinks I'm stupid.

She always repeats herself, and we always have the same arguments over and over. It doesn't matter what I say, she lives in her own world.

*siiiiigh*

And I think my other friend like, hates me. She NEVER talks to me. She is ALWAYS busy. I think the last time I saw her was EASTER! I know she's free because she hangs out with my other friend! alksjfda;jksf akl;dfj

*sigh*

Had some interesting dreams last night...

Well... I can remember two.

The first one: I apparently ran away from home. I think I just got really frustrated with my sister (which... isn't really surprising). And one day while she was gone I just left. I think I ran away to a park... but I remember there were tables with bright red parallelograms. I also remember doing a puzzle and being frustrated with that. Then my sister calls the place I'm at (which... somehow seemed to turn into an office-type room).... And then.... I think I go home. (er.. walk home I think). And then my sister and I argue again.... I think.

Heh... yeah. It was a weird dream....

Second one: I think I'm on the campus of my school. There's some trees and it's somewhat grassy. Anyway... I'm there with my boyfriend and various people. And... we're talking, and I vaguely remember someone asking if we were still going out. Both of us are silent a moment... but before either of us answer... someone asks him if he still loved me/something along those lines... and he was like... "No" and some other things. I wasn't at all too surprised and took the chance to kinda sorta... break up with him. (Which is something I need to do in real life. :\)

But yeah... two very odd dreams that I only vaguely remember. Heh.....

Some poetry to express how I'm feeling right now...

Barely one blow
Before being struck again
Attacked on every side
By everyone

My pitiful shield
Of no use anymore
The impending doom
Rising overhead

It's hopeless
There's nothing left
Except
Kneel and pray

Hold off on seeking
Knowledge
It will come
In due time

Life and love
Are fleeting away
And laughter is hard
To coax out

One shocking blow
Causing repercussions
Sending waves all around

Grant me one saving Grace
I will treasure it
Forever.

I am so close to crying again. I hate reality. It's horrible. I just want to go run away and be a little kid again. Back to when my concern was what toys I was going to play with. If I wanted to play dress-up or hopscotch with the neighbors. D:

Some less than stellar happenings between my friend and her boyfriend. I think I'm the only one that's taken, but I dunno. I shouldn't be. I... I don't really like him. And I guess... I haven't for awhile. Did I ever love him? No. Did I ever like him? Yes. But it wasn't strong.

I feel like a jerk. I've been leading him on. I... I've done what I never wanted to do. I'm someone that... I never thought I could be.

The cure for all of this is to not focus any of my time on guys this summer. (Well... only if they're friends). I will not pursue ANY new relationship with a guy. (Again, unless it's a friendship). Because I think at this point, all I need are friends. People who will stand by me. At least right now.

Am I ready for a boyfriend? I'd say no. Sure, it'd be nice to have one (erm...). But I'm just not ready. I'm the type that likes to go and have fun. Settling down and being serious only happens when... I have to (school) or when something is wrong. It's just not me.

I'm immature and mature. And... I guess that's just how teenagers are. Or at least, most.

And... I guess that's my epiphany tonight.

Hm... I think I have a little bit to catch up on. First off... I am officially done with my freshman year.

Hmmm.....

I recently had a talk with a friend that made me think about times that I really don't like to think about. But they were brought with full force. I can deal with normal occurrences that happen every once in awhile. But this one was an ultimate no-no.

I was seriously about to cry. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. In order for me to be able to focus on my studying, I began to text Michael. Now, here's the thing about Michael; he is one of the sweetest guys ever. I know now that if I am about to break down and lose it, he is the perfect guy to go to that will help glue it back together.

So I text him, and soon my sadness is quelled and I'm laughing on the inside. I felt like I could... deal so that certainly brightened my day.

The next morning, he sends me something that just made me smile whenever I thought of it. I'm actually smiling now because of it. And, at school that morning, it brought smiles to some of my other friends, too.

*ahem* but yeah... I'm totally starting to over analyze. (but yeah... I'm starting to fall for him a bit.. *blush*)

Oh, and I'm STILL thinking about a comment that someone said to me like... over a week ago? (Or maybe it was on Monday... ehh).

I just can't accept the fact that people think that I am skinny/have a figure. Like, yes, I do accept that I have curves (I actually like 'em!) but the fact that I'm overweight.... just doesn't work well. So... we'll see.

Oh... I am SUCH a science nerd. I studied my butt off for my final and got a 92. Lolz. Isn't that amazing? I was one of two people to get an 'A' in my class. (yes... I am gloating slightly)

As of tomorrow... I start my quest on becoming skinnier... or maybe more toned? It's just something that I want to see if it's possible. I could do it with dedication... so we'll see.

I really want to get to the eye doctors ASAP. I'm sick of having these glasses and glasses in general. Eh... not gonna happen.

Drama Llama had a baby, and it's Awkward Turtle.

Today was swing dancing in choir... again. Not very surprised. Learned... two new moves today. Pretty exciting.

I was paired with my choir director again. Not that bad, except I'm a horrible dancer. But, oh well. So it goes.

This one move it a REALLY awkward one. He calls it the "cradle"... maybe you can picture how that goes. The girl's back is to the guy's front... and it's kinda like a hug. Except both hands are being held. (Horrible explanation... I might find a pic...)

So, obviously I was with the director to demonstrate, and a little practice afterwords... but then I had to go and dance with the only other male in the class... Idk why, though. But we both had two opposite rhythms, and I felt he was just a smiiiiidge too close. So... yeah awkward.

And then, on the bus ride home, I thought I smelled faintly like my choir director. D: awwwwkwwwaarrrrddddd.

*ahem* Anywayyy...

The bus ride home today was kinda interesting. First, did a route that we don't normally take, and came across a crash/wreck. Hmm... took about a half hour to get home.

Sub in English... which meant that I didn't really have to do work. Which was pretty fun. Even though I actually did do a bit of work.

Pulled off an amazing feat in Health, though. It was fruit day, and of course, hardly anyone ever remembers. I had two fruits, gave some strawberries to Kayla, and half and orange to Matt... Michael takes some grapes from Robert (his friend... an acquaintance for me)and uses the bag from me from my orange. Passes it for him, and then somehow throws it to Bri for her to pass... Haha. Everyone made it.

OH, and my friend had to go to the nurse because she thought she was having a mild allergic reaction to the almonds she was eating.... guess where I spent about half my lunch period? But hey, I got free almonds! (Ok, that was mean). But her mom came with some medicine and she felt better. It was a little freaky, but it all worked out.

And that's the story of Drama Llama and Awkward Turtle in my life today.

So, I think I learned a little bit about myself today. And revealed a little more than people probably wanted to know.... But whatever.

Here's one thing that I didn't really realize until today...

I feel guilty or maybe even embarrassed when I show any emotion to anyone besides happy. I don't like anyone seeing me cry... I just feel stupid. I don't want anyone to see me angry because I'm quiet rude when I am. I don't like people seeing me sad because they turn too much attention to me.

Ah well. Just thought I'd share that for now.

Life's been a bit funky lately.

Some days... I don't want to get out of bed at all. Some nights... I can't wait to go to bed and fall asleep.

Other days, I'm so happy that I can't even begin to describe. I know what I have, and I'm glad.

Damn hormones.

But yeah... today, Matt said he has hit two days sober (er... druggie... I guess I forgot to mention that... ^^')

And idk, I know he can make the change. I wonder how committed he is, though. I don't want to doubt, it though. I have faith in him, and I wonder if anyone else does. It's so much harder when you only have one person to cheer you on.

But, I think I need to take a lesson from Iroh. I can support him full-heartily and it won't matter if I'm the only one that has faith in him. Maybe he'll see that at least one person is there for him.

(And for all of you who may/may not wonder: I do not like him. Only in an acquaintance way).

:\ Anyway.

Trig D:

Well, I'm getting a taste of what I signed myself up for next year. Joy oh joy. It's not that bad, but still. If I had known I was going to be doing a little bit of trig in 9th grade... ugh. *sigh* Wish me luck!

My friend may have torn a muscle. I sort of hope not, but it's a strong possibility. And I'm the one that played doctor and kinda gave a tentative diagnosis. I hope to God I'm wrong and that it's just a bad strain.

*Sigh* There's this one girl in my PE class that everyone in my group (aka the group she hangs out with) is getting sick of. She is seriously annoying and like, everyone wants to get rid of her. Including me. I know it's mean... buuttt. :\ Erg. She is just a pain! 18 days left of school. Hopefully I won't have to deal with her for more than.... 15 days?

Performances coming up. Eeek.

I have a drama performance late May. Monologue I've been working my butt off with (>< I wanna see how my friends like it. I seriously do.) and a scene which I'm still getting down. Or at least trying to. Pretty interesting.

Then choir... uber soon. Like... a week? Eeekkkkk. Grease. Dancing. Singing. 50's. Uh-oh.

Ah well, so life goes. I'm just super anxious to get out of school and go see my friends that live out of town. ^^ *sigh* 18 looong days.

Oh... and I'm a huge wuss. I won't go into details but... :\ if you wanna know, I'll tell.

Guys are confusing.
D:

So, I have this guy friend, Michael. For awhile... we would barely talk to each other. Some days, we would barely even look at each other! But maybe like a week or two ago... we started talking again. He began to joke around with me... (flirting?)

He started replying to my texts.

Just this morning, he walked up to me while I was at my locker and started a conversation with me. He stayed and conversed with me and my friends.

I dunno..... is he doing this because he likes me or has nothing better to do?

I have a feeling he is single (if he is telling the truth on his myspace. [which says he's single... and is there for friends and dating] :\)

It's almost the end of the school year! Just about 5 weeks I believe. I can't wait! There's so much I want to say on how the school year has gone... but honestly, there's just too much. However, I know what I want to say to each of my friends that have been there throughout.

Ashley- The first friend of the school year. It's been awesome, and I'm super glad that I can call on you almost whenever. You have helped me through some tough times. You have also made me realize just who I am. I haven't had time to discover that yet, and you have helped me take that first step. All the inside jokes and everything, it's just been an awesome year.

Brianna- Hey, maybe it took awhile for us to start talking, but once we did, I could see that we would become pretty good friends. Maybe we don't hang out or talk as often as we would like. But, you're there and you help the artist in me. You are my more 'cultured' friend that knows how it is.

Cat- I will never get used to your thinking. It's just to random and off the wall. You always say things that nobody even thought of. (or at least, that I have thought of). You make life interesting. Maybe we don't meet eye to eye, but at least we've never fought. You can keep your cool... but I see how it is underneath. You are just a super fun person.

Kayla- We've spent everyday together. We know what each other is trying to say mid-way through a sentence. You brighten my day for sure. I know I can depend on you to follow through, and stick with whatever you are doing. I also know that you can be a klutz, but a graceful klutz.

Matt- I had my doubts about you. But, you're the one person that makes me look forward to English class. You just make me smile and laugh so much. You're and interesting guy and I guess I am glad to have you in my life. You are such an easy-going, mellow guy. It amazes me sometimes. But, thanks for always bringing a smile!

Michael- Haha. You always make my day. I can be having one of the worst days of my life, and you'll find a way to make it better. I don't think you know how much you mean to me. Maybe we don't know each other well, but you are still a major part of my life.

Sarah- Man, it took some time to hit it off. But, once we did, it was like a rocket. Your generally smiling face, happy disposition and everything. Our friendship just clicked. I love having you around to joke and laugh with. But, when things get serious... they get serious. I'm glad to have a friend that will be there for me.

Victoria- Alright, so we don't know each other that well. But, you are a wonderful person to talk to. You know how it is. I only wish I could have gotten to know you better. You seem like a nice and kind person. A friend that everyone needs.

Why the hell do I feel like crying?

Why am I feeling so horrible right now?

I really wish I knew. Because I'm feeling like I did in 6th grade. It's terrifying. I really don't like it but I can't get myself out of it. I've been trying to figure out... and I can't think of anything.

I wanna cry. I can't. The tears just won't come out. This is the time where I wish I could show my emotions.

This is the time where I wish people would be talking to me. Trying to figure out. Help me!

We'll see. We'll see.

haha

Just a funny thought from today.

My friend was playing with my water bottle... and for some reason I was just kinda like... "NO" and stuff. At first I was like, "Give it back" just hoping she would

Then after going at it... and she didn't give it back I was all. "Give it to me. NOW" in a super stern voice with a death glare. (Could you tell I was in a bad-ish mood?)

She paused for a moment... then gave it back to me.

That counted for my friends to start joking. One person was saying something how I could walk into a cave of terrorists and be like, "Surrender" with the glare and all that. They'd pause... raise their hands and be like, "We surrender!"

Haha. That just amused me to no end.

I'm wondering...

How do you tell a person that bugs you to no end to just stop talking to you?

Ooops. Blog neglect, sorry!!!

Not much going on here... just life. Getting ready for Easter. Not much fun, either. I'm so bored.

But I have to say that the Passion Play the confirmation class over here puts on is amazing. No matter how many times I see it, I'm always freaked out by the same thing... the thunder. It's just.... kinda scary. Lol.

*sigh* I know there's much more that has gone on, but I can't remember. So I'll just say that school's almost over and I can't wait! (like.... 6 weeks left!)

Summer is going to be awesome.

Blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah

^ that is all I'm really getting from one friend right now... figuratively. I think she'd have better luck talking with her cats than me. *shrug* Oh well.

She's "in love".. lies. *shrug*

I've been reading FML a lot lately... mostly out of boredom. I have my own FML moments:

Today, I was IMing a friend. She's talking about how excited that she's going to look big.... she wants a guys attention. My friend is excited to be a whore.

I went from having a pretty icky cough to not being able to breathe through my nose in two days.

It's spring break, and I'm sick. (^) None of my friends have the same spring break.

My parents don't like me hanging out with a friend I've had for years... but they let the one girl who is a horrible influence hang out with me whenever.

Hmm..

It's the winter ball today... not going. Don't care, anyway. Dances are not my cup of tea anyway.

I guess I neglected to say this in my last blog buuuutttttt.... I have a boyfriend :D. Yepp... very awesome for me.

No, our choir director did not yell at us on Tuesday.

Pretty much a boring week... OH well!

Dude....

Happy late Valentine's day!

Today ish my mom's birthday. :D.

M... so I have to say what happened on friday (*gasp*)

The choir director (sub) left in the middle of class. He was pissed off at us.... lol. I shall tell the whole story.

Our teacher wasn't there because his son was sick. (:(). So, we had a sub. Friday's are just review days, and that's exactly what we were doing.... for the most part.

There's one song that we only learned the beginning and end. Not the middle. So, the sub tries to teach us the part. But, honestly... we aren't too bright and couldn't figure it out right away, like he expected us to.

So, while we sit there and try to figure out what we're supposed to sing... he's hets all mad at us.

The leader tries to defend us, saying that we're confused and that we aren't sure if we're supposed to be learning the part yet.

The sub takes that as her trying to tell him what to do. He says that he's in charge and a whole bunch of other crap.

Then.... he just gets up, puts his coat on... says some more stuff about how we were uncooperative and rude... then leaves.

Lol. I hope our real director doesn't yell at us on Tuesday... 'cause it totally wasn't out fault.

sooo....

Maybe bf on horizon???

First "date" Monday night (this choir thing that I was forced to go.... )

But.. uh... I'm not sure. :\

I'd like to weigh out everything in my mind, but I can't right now. I'll probably write a whole bunch of stuff down and transcribe it onto here. So, we'll see.

Mm.... so it seems that I have no life....

I am currently being forced to go to something for my choir. I'm not even participating! But I have nothing to do to fill the time beforehand. :\

Oh well. I still have to convince one friend to go with me and one friend has to convince their parents to let her go. So, we'll see. At least I know one person that I invited it gonna be there.

I spent most of english class writing a poem- and it's not finish yet. XD

I've discovered... I am super polite.

Like, today... I noticed that I always make it a habit to say 'thank you' to the bus driver when I get off of my stop. Hmm....

Probably just the way I was raised. I was raised to be polite, and I'm passive through personality. So... I'm a generally nice person until you piss me off... haha

Apparentleh I'm being talked about.

Hehe. No prizes on guess who. Buuuutt...... .*blush* is all I have to say on the subject. :D

But ya... good day.

Even though I cried.

But hey, it's alright. I feel like, so much better now that I have cried. I feel like... uplifted. I guess I've been holding that in for awhile. I need to cry more... and not be afraid.

Hehehe. *squee*

Mk, so I want to post this last night, but I couldn't. (And not because of the superbowl)

So, yesterday was confirmation class. And well, the guy that was in my post about last weeks... he's basically the reason for yesterday too. Lol

Yeah, we talked like, the whole time... and.. er... he told me that he liked me... *blush* And so, after that... we held hands... a lot. But... eeeee... it was nice. I'm starting to like him. We just get along really well.

I seriously probably have a REALLY good chance with this guy. Seriously. I might just take him to the winter ball the 21st...

Uhm... and yeah.

Today, nothing too special. Just life as it happens. But, of course, the one girl that's in my confirmation class and like, somewhat knows me, just HAS to come up to me and my friend during lunch. EH... good thing I told my friend first.

....

SO, my friend is currently telling me how some/ a lot of the guys that flirt with her are like... 16+. I'm wondering if I should call out BS. Meh. Whatever. I could kinda care less.

I say kinda because I... I sort of want someone to flirt with me. I'm not surprised they don't though...

I think I can be somewhat intimidating. Or... unresponsive to the flirting. Eh. *shrug*

Why do I get so depressed when I talk to you?

Why does my mood change almost instantly?

How can a good day turn bad once we exchange words.

How can a bad day turn worse?

How can I be so impatient?

How can one person have such a drastic effect on how I feel?

Why...

Oh boy...

Not much has gone on.

I can finally hit a high note in a song for choir...

Uhm... yeah, not much.

I'm sort of enjoying my life. Even if I'm being screwed over...

Like... my glasses got broken/bent today. So I have to wear my spares (which are almost the same prescription) but they still give me a headache... so tomorrow's not gonna be very fun... :\

mm... yeah.

....

Today proved to be the exception of what I think about my confirmation class.

It's usually pretty boring, but that's because the people I talk to... aren't really that talkative. But they're nice, and they actually talk to me, so it's alright. I'm kinda shy and quiet too....

Anyway... today....

I met up with my friend and kinda talked to er... but overheard another conversation. (well, it was basically 3 feet away from us) and this one guy is talking about how he was in Catholic school for 9 years (I would die!). And so I go like, "I know how you feel, I've been in Catholic school for 4."

And so, like, my friend and the guy who was in Catholic school for an insane amount of time and I go and sit down in our classroom. So like, the guy and I start talking and stuff....

I swear, by the end of class, I totally felt like he liked me. We were split up into groups and we had to present this.... thing. I have no idea what to call it.

And, so after his group goes, he moves his chair next to mine... which he had never done before today. So, I think after we had that spark of a conversation at the beginning of class.....

At the end of class... he's all like, "It feels weird not to carry anything, like a jacket..." And I totally agree, because I usually have a jacket/whatever.

Then he goes on to talk about how I'm one of three girls he knows that doesn't carry a purse. As we're leaving, I'm going on about how I'm very un-girly. haha... very.. er... interesting....

I'm bored.... time for the ipod shuffle game!

Put a shuffle playlist on and go through the songs one by one to answer the questions. Go ahead and copy and paste and do it in your own blog!

How am I feeling today?
"Mood Rings" By Relient K...

Will I get far in life?
"Everlasting Life" by Blue October

How do my friends see me?
"The Feel Good Drag" by Anberlin

Where will I get Married?
"Over Now" by Needtobreathe

What is my best friend's theme song?
"Be rad" by Relient K

What is the story of my life?
"Wake me up when september ends" by Green Day

What was high school like?
"Far Away" by Nickleback

How am I going to get ahead in life?
"Up and up (acoustic)" by Relient K

What is the best thing about me?
"Where do I go from here?" by Relient K

What is in store for this weekend?
"Ready Fuels" by Anberlin

What song describes my parents?
"No reaction" by Relient K

My grandparents?
"American Dream" by Switchfoot

How is my life going?
"Be my escape" By Relient K

What song will play at my funeral?
"I'll get over it (Miss Elaineous)" by Everyday Sunday

How does the world see me?
"Over thinking" by Relient K

Will I have a happy life?
"Burn out Bright" by Switchfoot

What do my friends really think of me?
"Goodbye my lover" by James Blunt

Do people secretly lust after me?
"You" by The Afters

How can I make myself happy?
"Bee your man" by Relient K

What should I do with my life?
"Let it go" by Blue October

Will I ever have children?
"Everything" by Lifehouse

What is some good advice for me?
"Bad Boy" by Cascada

What is my signature dancing song?
"Don't wait for daylight" by Needtobreathe

What do I think my current theme song is?
"Face Down" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

What type of men/women do you like?
"Welcome to my life" By Simple Plan

It's official... God screwed me over today...

I woke up alright, feeling fine.

Run the mile in PE....

In my next class I felt like total and utter crap. I felt sick and just..... yeah. Horrible. My knee was hurting so bad, as well.

Lunch... go to the nurse to get ice and then wrap up my knee.

After lunch I felt a little bit better.

Then I went to get help for my math homework that I didn't get.... then I had to walk home (my knee wasn't hurting, but I still had it wrapped up)

:\ but yeah....

/slight blog neglect

Sorry guys! There's been a bit going on.... and I just needed some time to think about it.

Well, the week was basically fine. On Friday I went to my friend's birthday party/sleepover. Pretty fun even though I was probably the first one to crash. (Hey... I was up at 5:30 that day. I just could not stay up any longer)

Uhm.... on Saturday my sister got a new couch so I had to help her move around the furniture. I had a nap haha. So I was basically exaughsted all of Saturday. Then, after a good night's sleep, I had a good Sunday.

On Sunday I came to my old house because I had Monday and Tuesday off....

Monday I hung out with my friend practically all day. It was super fun. Sold some cookies for my choir..... and not much else....

Then today, Tuesday...

Everyone seems to be making a big deal about Obama's inaguration. I could care less. Just a new president. Big deal.

I'm NOT looking forward to the FOCA that's going to legislative. :\

(FOCA- Freedom Of Choice Act)

Abortions legalized. Ugh. And, I guess being against it except in certain cases (rape, incest, mother or child will die) makes me a bitch... or so says my friend.

Joy oh joy. I don't even know why I'm still friends with her. She's mean to me and I feel like she knows nothing about me. I'm always there for her to talk to me. Gahhhhh

0.o

YAY for no school!

Boo for writer's block.

And.... I've just had the weirdest convo between me and my crush....over text-messaging

Me: Hey. How you enjoying the day off so far?
Him: Still sleepin. I gotta go to the hospital at 3:00 arrrrgh!
Me: Oh nice. i was awake at 8 because of a wrong number. y do u have to go to the hospital?
Him: U know what an MRI is?
Me:Yeah. my dads gotten them before
Him: Well I gotta get into one of those hospital gowns, and get into a x-ray tube. How exciting!
Me: Ah *joy* hospitals suck. at least ur not there for more than a day
Him: Well, if i was, i could skip school.
Me: Ha. but its so freakin boring!
Him: Its so freakin' cold!
Me: Ha. just a bit.
Him: ok lsiten! im in my boxers, playing rock band! the guitar is freakin c-cold!
Me: 0.o lol. put on some clothes...?
Him: Imma gonna taaka showa. see ya!
Me: ah k. see ya

Yeah.... totally.... er... weird.

Wooooooooooooooooooow.

I am way to smart for my own good. I act so stupid... but at the same time.... I'm smart. Like... way smart.

I could do SO much if I applied myself. Like.. oh.. get an A in math!? Gah....

But, anyway.... I got a 28 out of 36 on a practice ACT test (without the essay, mind you).

That's about the same score my sister got when she took it.... as a junior.

I'm a freshman.

...

Something is very wrong.

VERY WRONG. Oh well. I guess it happens.

My best section...? The science, of course.

*is still wondering how she got a 111% on the final...* (yes it was curved by a lot. Like.... 10% I think? That's the only one that seems resonable. Unless I got points factored in from the game we played before hand.... but still. A very high score)

Bah. It seems like forever since I've posted.

Nothing new.

Got my crush's number. Texted him one day.... other than that.... I haven't gotten closer to asking him out XD

Uhm....

Yeah. I got a book fine taken off from me today. :)

Nothing too exciting. I started health this semester. It's gonna be interesting.

Yeah....

I am seriously weirded out by my friends. And GROSSED OUT.

I'd rather not go into details, but I'm just so... idk. It's weird.

It doesn't help that there's peer pressure involved. But I'm holding my ground nicely and I think I've basically said, in a polite way, "F off!" haha.

Ok, freaky dream this morning.

It starts off with me at my current school rushing to go catch the bus. Except..... it was different. They weren't in their normal spot. AND they had different numbers. So I just go on a bus (that I know is the right bus, anyway). And I sit down. So, it goes and the first stop comes. People get off.... but there's someone that seems familiar. And, amazingly enough, it's who I think it it. The guy that was in my class last year that harrassed me to no end.

So, it's not his stop after all and he looks at me, and we recognize eachother. So he comes and sits with me.... but it an super awkward way that I don't even want to describe. I move away, but everytime I do that, he moves closer. (haha. but that's something he'd totally do in real life!). I'm thinking, "OMG... My cousin is never going to believe this" and "And I thought I was done with him!" (both things I would probably think in real life as well).

But anyway, we get to talking... I don't remember about what, though. But my stop comes up and I'm getting off.... and it's my old house. Like from like when I was a baby-7 years. It was weird. But I just go in....

The kitchen (where I walk to) is different.... I'm not sure if it's a kitchen I've been in before... But I act completely natural. For some reason, I don't have my backpack (my excuse was I left it at school...haha). And I had a lighter on me for some odd reason. (and it was pink! haha). My sister (? I think) and I are arguing about why I have a lighter with me and through the whole conversation she's trying to light it XD but it won't light.

So, that's my dream. VERY odd. I'll come back and pull it apart later....