I wouldn't be surprised if, in the future, I'd need therapy for abandonment issues or something. I sure feel like it'd be great to have a therapist now for that reason. I know it's never intentional... but.. :\ still. No one can do anything without me analyzing it and coming to a conclusion. It just happens. That's me.

But yes, I do feel lonely right now. One of my best friends just got a new boyfriend. I actually know the boyfriend this time. I know she probably really like him, but the fact that she's not talking to me kinda makes me sad. This happened before, too. I guess I should get used to it. Even if I don't want to.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I like being alone. But there are times when I feel like everyone's just too busy with everyone else in their lives. I get that. Sometimes I feel like I neglect some of my friends from time to time, too. I'm willing to admit that. I know I do it. I try not to, but it happens.

I seriously wonder if I put up that much of a front. Do my friends really not realize when I'm hiding something that really bothers me? Am I that good at hiding it? I hope not.

I remember a bumper sticker on facebook that says something like... "I want a person that when I say I'm Ok, they say, 'Tell me the truth'" Or something like that. I think... I want that too. Maybe I'd be startled and put up my guard more, or maybe I'd give in. I will only know when it happens.

Too bad it probably never will. No one is ever that interested in my life. Yes, it's boring, but I need someone to care. I guess... I'm just sorta afraid of being lost in the background

It's happened before, I think. I tend to be a wallflower. I know I have been, and I know I will be. I'm not one to stand out in a crowd. But, I don't want to completely blend in. I don't want to become transparent, and have people forget about me.

I don't think I've ever realized how afraid I am of being left completely alone. With no one. I've felt being helpless and alone before. Some long stretches, some short spurts. Every time, I've just felt rock bottom. I hate it.

Sad thing is, I pick up signs when people are too busy with others. I pick them up quickly, and I know before the other person knows. Like with my friend that got a new boyfriend? It only took like, two minutes into the convo before I knew she was caught up in something more. I remembered this behavior. Then another friend, it took me accusing her of not liking me to see what she's done. She'd be online, but never talk to me, but she's talk to another friend. It took two friends getting to know each other more and more that made me feel slightly left out.

It's a history. I over analyze, and things always turn out bad. I can't help it. I over think because I have nothing better to do. It's sad really.