Friday

You love who you love.

Who am I to judge? If they make you happy, so be it. It's your life, not mine.

I just don't understand why everyone has to be so judgmental, especially about love. I've had this conversation twice in the past 24 hours. My mentality is the above; and that's about every relationship. Granted, I might be a little waxy if it's obviously an abusive or unhealthy relationship, but I haven't encountered that thus far. I don't think love should depend on the gender, age (to an extent), skin color, class or so on. Your love isn't harming me, so why should I care?

*sigh*. Humanity confuses me sometimes. Why can't we just be free and open? We're not all that different on the inside. We all have the same basic needs beyond food/water and shelter. We want to be loved. We want to belong to a group. We want to love someone else.

I have to wonder how I got to be so open and accepting. However it happened, I don't care.

All that matters is the heart. If the heart is in a good place, then some things just shouldn't matter. The heart is your guide through life. If you live by it, there is no way you can go down the wrong path.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the
weak.
-- Isaiah 40:29

Wednesday

For some reason I want to have an epic awesome post of awesomeness.

I'm very hyper tonight.

Anyway, when I was on deviantart earlier today, I read this pretty awesome journal. Pretty much either learn to love yourself or just shut up... and while I'm taking the message out of proportion, that's how I like to view it. I had to agree with the entire thing. It's like... there's no reason to complain about yourself. Either change it or just kinda shut up about it.

Someone... somewhere... probably finds you beautiful the way you are. Even if you don't. (Oh hey, maybe I should take my own advice). However, you do have to learn how to accept yourself. Even if you don't see everything that other people see, at least learn to see the good parts about yourself. I've... sort of learned how to do that I suppose. There's still a lot I deny about myself. I know there's more to me than I will ever accept, though. I know it's there... but I don't count it as a positive just yet.

Anyhow, that's why I've given up caring (sort of) about my weight. Food is delicious and deserves to be eaten. Usually. Obviously there's a stopping point, but most people know when it comes. I am one of the sort. I enjoy my food. You will NOT find me eating a salad when there's something better on the menu... I have stopped caring. I know I'm a little pudgy... but that's just me. There's no way I'll ever be "skinny". Or at least society's version of it. I'm not... horribly overweight?

I've stopped caring because I've found that it just does not matter. If people really can't get past my looks, then they have no business trying to get to know me.

My sister constantly says "You have a lot going for you." and I always want to wonder what, exactly. I'm slightly smarter than average, I'm slightly pretty, and I have the social skills of a cockroach. I will never understand what she sees. Or what anyone else sees, either.

Anyway; I'm a hypocrite. I'm advocating all this 'love yourself' stuff... and I believe in it. I just don't really apply it to my own life I guess. I mean, I do. I love who I am. I just don't know why others love me.

Hmmm...

I went sunset photographing tonight.



For some reason I really like that picture. I dunno why. I took it on a whim, and I enjoy it.

In other news....

I'm starting to wear off whatever was making me hyper. Now I'm tired.

My car is off to the mechanic :(. My little Rose... <3.

However, I plan to do some awesome errands on Friday. I need to get out of the house. Badly.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:18

Saturday

I am an extremely happy person today. My morning was not too great. I woke up realllly early, and I was in a lot of pain. However, I cleaned up the house and vegged around for awhile before taking a shower. The shower did wonders. I felt a lot better after.

I sat around watching Ninja Warrior and Project Runway until the whole reason I stayed came.

Yes. Finally.

We pretty much stood in the doorway for a full minute just hugging each other so tightly. I was honestly so happy just to see him after a month (pretty much literally, tomorrow would have been it exactly).

The second thing after "I missed you"? "You cut your hair! It's so cute." I find that ironic. My sister's boyfriend asked me (yesterday) "Did you cut your hair?" when I spent a full week with him right after I got it cut. I'm not sure how it all works out...

Anyway; saw Winnie the Pooh.

Absolutely. Adorable. It was funny and so nostalgic. I pretty much wanted to (and still want to) go and watch all the old Winnie the Pooh videos I have on VHS. There was actually a pretty nice mix of teens and little kids with their parents. So yeah, it was cool.

Then some jerk on a bike who had a stick up his butt.

Then David found out that I'm ticklish... everywhere. And then called me beautiful shortly after, and I still think he's delusional. But that's OK.

It rained almost the entire drive back home. It was pizza night at my parents. The new Korra trailer is epic (http://on.nick.com/XJQ). I had rootbeer. My nails are purple again. (I'm trying to stop biting them). I found this song on youtube that I heard on my drive home; "Arms" by Christina Perri. OMG. <3. So many good songs this summer!

Lastly, the clouds outside my windows look gorgeous. Too bad I can't take pictures of 'em. :(

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in
your power to act.
-- Proverbs 3:27

Thursday

Scholarship

Lets imagine, just for a moment that I get to choose exactly where I want to live.

I immediately choose a coastal state; Washington.

Why? Because I want to live near the water for once! I miss rain. After living in a desert for quite a few years, I think it's time for a change. I want there to be real greenery. Not this fake almost-green thing we have going on here.

I would then choose a one bedroom apartment. I'm not much of a people person, and I'm not sure I could deal with another person constantly. Heck, I can barely do it now. I would only accept a roommate and move to a two-bedroom apartment if they were a close friend. Maybe if I could share the apartment with a cat or two...

So, with that in mind; I would live in a small space. If life turns out the way it's supposed to, I won't be home that often anyway. I would be off either in school, or working as a forensic scientist.

The one thing that I look for that a lot of other people seem to as well; a good kitchen. I LOVE to cook. I may not be too great it, but at least I haven't burnt down the house yet. I use counter space liberally, and tend to make messes. If I could have a big kitchen to spread everything out in, I would be so happy.

Since I am reserved and want a one-bedroom place, I may was well make it worth while, right? A room with a view. Trees, water... anything. No more brown sand! That's my only request! (Well, that and to have a washer and dryer in the apartment).

A lot of people want to be close to areas of commerce. All I need is a book store (or library) and grocery store within reasonable distance. On that note as well; a nice place to keep my car. I've already had enough of it sitting out, open to the elements.

Overall, I just want something quaint. A little place where I can escape the city and have something for myself.

With all of that in mind; I do believe I have found the perfect place (if money were not an issue).

http://www.vacancy.com/washington/redmond-apartments/heights-at-bear-creek/

This apartment, ideally the Ironwood layout, is perfect. It has an awesome kitchen, the area has amazing views, I have my own washer/dryer, and even a place to go and enjoy the view. It's not too big, and has the potential for being home. I don't mind the fact that it'll be far from school or work. I can manage the drive... hopefully. Unfortunately, this choice means no cats for me.

Monday

Ok, so I'm irrational!

I fully admit to it. But who isn't at least a little overwhelmed by emotion sometimes? Some people it's a lot of times. I am definitely one of those people.

I AM feeling better; I actually started feeling better last night. It just kinda amazes me what happens when you just tell someone that something is wrong. Well, maybe not someone in particular; but a non specific message for anyone to read.

Seriously.

I posted a Facebook status (because that's how low I got that I felt that I had to post a status about it :P). Pretty much immediately I get three people messaging me.

Even someone I haven't talked to in forever. Like years. It wasn't anything meaningful, but at least it was something. It'll probably be another few years until we talk again, but for some reason I'm OK with that. We weren't ever really that close, so it's not like I'm losing a whole lot. Yeah, that's a pretty negative outlook, but I'll be honest.

Then someone I've recently met. We're alike in a few ways, and different in so many more. I've seen her once, and haven't really talked to her a whole lot besides that. She's just kinda a silent lurker. It wasn't a very long conversation but it still helped me a good deal.

The last person was my boyfriend. I'm not kidding. He talks to me at like 11PM because of a facebook status, and not because he just simply wants to. Eh, I guess I'll take what I get. I was actually pretty happy about it. I wasn't expecting him. We finally actually talked a little bit.

None of my conversations lasted too long because I was really tired. I was pretty much dead before the hour was over.

During that time though, I did manage to cry. I felt so much happier after that happened, and I felt so awake. The latter didn't last very long, obviously. Sometime I apparently turned on my alarm, so pretty automatically, I got out of bed, turned off the alarm and unplugged my phone. I promptly went back to bed and fell asleep again. Until my phone went off as a reminder to call and schedule my final.

I'm starting to get really pissed off about the guy not returning e-mails or even picking up his phone. I've sent nearly a dozen e-mails, I've called him like three times today alone... I want some answers already!!!

:|

Ugh. Oh well. Just gotta keep going at it...

For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the
man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men -- the
testimony given in its proper time.
-- 1 Timothy 2:5-6

Sunday

Every time I marvel at how awesome I've been feeling, and EVERY TIME I think I'm going to be ok this time...

I prove myself wrong.

These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your
hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit
at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and
when you get up.
-- Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Saturday

I've realize a few things; one is I don't think I've ever explained the url to my blog. The second is that Coldplay makes awesome music; or at least their singles are awesome. Thirdly; I need to stop watching paranormal shows. And lastly; you're never too old for kid's books!

1) "We Could Run Away" by Needtobreathe. I'm not sure why I chose this song; but I guess it's because there's just something so... visual about it. I think it can also go with the fact that running away from reality and into a sort of fantasy. In a way, that's what blogging is for me. It allows me to deal with reality... and then make it go away. Once I vent, I usually get over it. It's nice. I love Needtobreathe in general, and pretty much every song by them I fall in love with at one time or another. They keep surprising me.

2) "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" OMG. I am in love with it right now. It's really summer-y and dance-y. You just want to get up and move. So I'm pretty much loving that right now. It's a bit unusual, but I think that's what makes it so addicting.

3)Yeah... I just watched a few hours of paranormal shows. Not the wisest thing to watch before bed. But I'm pretty much getting over it. Hopefully. I mean, I'm sitting here in the dark and typing this. I should be OK. I just need to learn how not to psych myself out. Which I've been pretty good at. I've learned to not let the shows freak me out too much. I've learned how to not get sucked in and get my emotions played.

4) Fablehaven. Darke. Both children's books that I've been reading. I'm currently reading Fablehaven. Pretty good. Both are sort of thick for kid's books anyway. Sure they are SO easy to read, but your mind needs to relax every once in a while. Then I start a dual read, because I NEED to read Frankenstein AND re-read Othello before school starts.

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into
him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
-- Ephesians 4:15

Friday

I know I've expressed how sometimes I think I'm just too nice or caring or so on. That thought is returning again. I know everyone just has a point where they can't take things anymore, and I'm starting to get to that point.

For awhile, I was happy. Now I'm sort of straining to make the happiness come back. Yes, I'm still happy- but only because I've been either making myself happy, or because there's just nothing to be upset about. Honestly, I'm amazed that I've been in such good spirits lately.

Sure, I've been frustrated more than normal, but so be it. Life has ups and downs. I've been fighting with my sister a lot more lately, but that just might be because I've been around her a lot more this summer. We've been trying and... I'm hoping that things will get better. Maybe once I move out of the house...

My dad and his tractor. Oh LORDY. That has been SO stressful lately. I'm hoping that it will just DIE. I really don't understand it...

Eye appointment today... SAME PRESCRIPTION. Second year in a row! :D

Yesterday and today I just stopped talking with my friends. I've been invisible on all my chat applications and so on. It's nice to not have someone constantly talking to you... well, mostly one person. I love 'em and all... but sometimes...

I'll eventually log back on to everything but not quite yet...

Because I haven't been talking to people, I've had a chance to actually do some reading, writing, and watching Dr. Who. (Plus coloring and playing computer games).

However, it's also given me some time to think. (I'm bringing myself back here...). When can I draw the line? Pretty much the one person I want to talk to and see... I haven't since over 3 weeks ago. Sure, sure... maybe I'm being a little clingy. I realize that. That's why I've been letting up and giving some space.

But seriously. Almost a month. Shouldn't he be missing me too?

I know things have been... less than pleasant in his life lately. I know he probably has a lot of other things to do than to hang out with me.

It wouldn't frustrate me so much if I didn't see him on facebook. I mean honestly...

I dunno. I'm just overreacting.

But I miss him. A lot.

I have to remind myself that we will be able to see each other again. Hopefully before the summer is over...

One month until school starts (nearly exactly).

All good things must come to an end...

The LORD will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your
life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and
forevermore.
-- Psalm 121:7-8
I came back from wonderful Chicago a few days ago. Normally I do extensive blogging about what happened, but I'm not feeling it. Mostly because one day blends into the next and I"m just not sure what happened. I feel like I was drugged for half the time anyway soo....

Portraits the other day. Wasn't bad. None too exciting though. I don't really like getting my picture taken. I' m really not that photogenic.

Uhmm... stuff.

I watched "5 People You Meet in Heaven". I could not stop crying. It sucked because I was in the living room as my parents went back and forth. I don't think I could've explained to them just how sad the movie was. It beats "UP!" by far. Touching movie, and a good book too.

Oh life...

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the
mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
-- Psalm 46:1-2