Aaah... warm feelings :D. I decided to go to my school football game tonight, mostly for the band. I watched the game for about 15 minutes, and then I saw one of my band friends and went to bug him. I nudged him and he turned, saw me and said "I'm so happy you're here!" and hugged me. Twice. That made me really happy...
Anyway, we talked the rest of the game until he had to go back onto the band bus. Where... he gave me another hug. I was really happy to just spend time with him, especially since all the other friends that he could have talked to where there.... Just makes me smile that he chose me.
But yeah... sleepless weekend coming up. I think it's time to head to bed and try to get a little bit of sleep!
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not
made perfect in love.
-- 1 John 4:18
Friday
Thursday
So... I had a nightmare this morning. It was a funky one.
One of my friends had committed suicide. In a sense, I was being haunted by her. Her reality was superimposed on mine. So I saw what she saw. The thing was, I couldn't be around people. They were part of my reality, but not hers. So I freaked if I got close to anyone. Which sucked because I was in a crowded space with a friend of mine. I remember feeling David in there as well... Kinda awkward.
But yeah... I was fairly relieved when my alarm went off. But I was slightly scared of the dark corners of my room for awhile...
Just a short one today, because that's all that's really on my mind...
This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love
one another.
-- 1 John 3:11
One of my friends had committed suicide. In a sense, I was being haunted by her. Her reality was superimposed on mine. So I saw what she saw. The thing was, I couldn't be around people. They were part of my reality, but not hers. So I freaked if I got close to anyone. Which sucked because I was in a crowded space with a friend of mine. I remember feeling David in there as well... Kinda awkward.
But yeah... I was fairly relieved when my alarm went off. But I was slightly scared of the dark corners of my room for awhile...
Just a short one today, because that's all that's really on my mind...
This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love
one another.
-- 1 John 3:11
Tuesday
Hmmm... what about today....
Well, today was my advisory at 8AM and it went alright. Nothing spectacular. I mean, honestly... what do I tell them? I already talk to my sister about this kinda stuff. For the most part.
Anyhow, I am officially broke. I've just got a ton of spare change in my wallet :(. I'm seriously unsure of how I managed to do that... but whatever. I'm good. Not like I really go out that often anyway.
Mmm... recount yesterday? Why not.
So my friend David and I often talk a lot during class, just because we can. So, he came over and talked to me, then it was getting awkward so he left. Once he left, one of my tablemates was like "So, how long have you two been going out?" me: "Uhm... we haven't. we're just friends" and then the other was like "Oh, well you two would make a cute couple" and.... I just blush. Because I like him....
Anyway. So, yesterday I was telling tons of people that, because I just kept thinking about it. Nothing really came out of it, but it was amusing for everyone's reactions and such. It was at that point that I realized everyone that doesn't go to my school knew about it...
Then this morning. I was talking to someone I don't normally talk to. He made a comment that he was asked out like 3 times the other day... and then I mentioned the fact that people thought that David and I were going out. He was like "-insert his last name here-?!?!" and it was... (they're in band together, so that's why they my friend knew of David). And then HE said that we'd make a cute couple. That... kinda threw me off guard. But... meh. So life goes.
I dunno. It's not the first time something like this has happened so I'm not really too "freaked out" so to say. Still a bit weird.
So many people sick, too! A bit saddening, but that's the winter weather for you I guess. It's about time I bring out the warm air humidifier because it is cold in my room. Or maybe just a warmer blanket because it really isn't that cold yet.
Today's weather was amazing though. About noon-ish was perfection. 8AM was just cold.
Uhm... I'm really tired. I think it's time to head off and do something else.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who
call on you.
-- Psalm 86:5
Well, today was my advisory at 8AM and it went alright. Nothing spectacular. I mean, honestly... what do I tell them? I already talk to my sister about this kinda stuff. For the most part.
Anyhow, I am officially broke. I've just got a ton of spare change in my wallet :(. I'm seriously unsure of how I managed to do that... but whatever. I'm good. Not like I really go out that often anyway.
Mmm... recount yesterday? Why not.
So my friend David and I often talk a lot during class, just because we can. So, he came over and talked to me, then it was getting awkward so he left. Once he left, one of my tablemates was like "So, how long have you two been going out?" me: "Uhm... we haven't. we're just friends" and then the other was like "Oh, well you two would make a cute couple" and.... I just blush. Because I like him....
Anyway. So, yesterday I was telling tons of people that, because I just kept thinking about it. Nothing really came out of it, but it was amusing for everyone's reactions and such. It was at that point that I realized everyone that doesn't go to my school knew about it...
Then this morning. I was talking to someone I don't normally talk to. He made a comment that he was asked out like 3 times the other day... and then I mentioned the fact that people thought that David and I were going out. He was like "-insert his last name here-?!?!" and it was... (they're in band together, so that's why they my friend knew of David). And then HE said that we'd make a cute couple. That... kinda threw me off guard. But... meh. So life goes.
I dunno. It's not the first time something like this has happened so I'm not really too "freaked out" so to say. Still a bit weird.
So many people sick, too! A bit saddening, but that's the winter weather for you I guess. It's about time I bring out the warm air humidifier because it is cold in my room. Or maybe just a warmer blanket because it really isn't that cold yet.
Today's weather was amazing though. About noon-ish was perfection. 8AM was just cold.
Uhm... I'm really tired. I think it's time to head off and do something else.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who
call on you.
-- Psalm 86:5
Friday
So, I just recently got over a bit of a depression thing. I'm now feeling tons better, mostly because I haven't fought with my sister in awhile. Which is a nice change of pace.
However, I almost feel like I have to recount this day. We had a lock in because there was threat of something at my school. So, my 4th period was only a few minutes long. That made me super happy because the quiz was postponed. Then everything went on as planned. What was really the icing on the cake was my last period, which is English. We had to choose a quote to illustrate. Anyway, one of my friends is in that class, all the way across the room. He was talking with the teacher and apparently she said something and was "offensive" (she's a very sarcastic and joking person,, so it obviously wasn't) and I hear him going "I'm going to go cry now" (obviously as a joke back) I call out across the room: "Hey ___ Don't cry" and put my hands in a heart shape. He does it back while holding a book in his hand. I go back to what I was doing, and I hear him call my name, and I see him making a heart without the book in his hands. Well.. the fact that he even did that made me smile a bit.
I think my table mates noticed that. One person was like "Do you think he's cute?" Me reply was a simple 'no' (because it's true as of right now... but things can change). One of the others asked if I liked him or something. I just said "I'm not going to comment." But you know... I could feel myself blushing.
In all honesty though, I won't be sad if all this turns out to be is a really good friendship. He's such a sweet guy that all that really matters is that nothing awkward happens between us. However... I've gotten over that, too.
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats
the matter separates close friends.
-- Proverbs 17:9
However, I almost feel like I have to recount this day. We had a lock in because there was threat of something at my school. So, my 4th period was only a few minutes long. That made me super happy because the quiz was postponed. Then everything went on as planned. What was really the icing on the cake was my last period, which is English. We had to choose a quote to illustrate. Anyway, one of my friends is in that class, all the way across the room. He was talking with the teacher and apparently she said something and was "offensive" (she's a very sarcastic and joking person,, so it obviously wasn't) and I hear him going "I'm going to go cry now" (obviously as a joke back) I call out across the room: "Hey ___ Don't cry" and put my hands in a heart shape. He does it back while holding a book in his hand. I go back to what I was doing, and I hear him call my name, and I see him making a heart without the book in his hands. Well.. the fact that he even did that made me smile a bit.
I think my table mates noticed that. One person was like "Do you think he's cute?" Me reply was a simple 'no' (because it's true as of right now... but things can change). One of the others asked if I liked him or something. I just said "I'm not going to comment." But you know... I could feel myself blushing.
In all honesty though, I won't be sad if all this turns out to be is a really good friendship. He's such a sweet guy that all that really matters is that nothing awkward happens between us. However... I've gotten over that, too.
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats
the matter separates close friends.
-- Proverbs 17:9
Every day.~From sixbillionsecrets.com
Every single day, I wish I had the strength to cut myself...or maybe even kill myself.
Just cause I'm smiling and always cracking jokes doesn't mean I'm really happy. It just means that I'm too scared of nobody caring when I let it out.
~My response
Soaring_Eagle_12
It's almost as if I posted this... I've told my friends that just because I'm smiling and giggling, doesn't mean I'm OK. I don't think any of them have realized how bad it really gets... only one person even has the faintest idea. Even then... nobody really knows. Silent suffering is harder and even worse than if you actually did start cutting yourself. I've been down that road, too.
People care so much. Stay strong, and keep telling people something is wrong. One of them will listen. I promise.
I honestly believe every word I said. I keep telling two people that I am SO close to that everything isn't what it seems on the surface... yet I don't think they really get it. They KNOW I've come close to cutting, they KNOW I'm not all "sunshine and rainbows". Yet... they don't think anything is really that wrong. Which, I mean, I can understand. If I'm not showing any signs on depression... why worry? Which is why they should worry more. One day might be my breaking point. One day I might really need help... and I won't be able to go to them.
But there IS someone that I talk to when it gets worse than usual. But even that doesn't tell you the severity of it. He knows how bad it gets.. but he doesn't know how often I'm on the brink.
In fact, no one knows. I am in silent suffering. It... it sucks. But how am I ever going to get help?
I honestly hold back on getting help for anything relating to myself. Last night? Couldn't fall asleep. My knee was in pure agony. Does anyone really care? No, of course not. I can still walk. I can still function.
Once ANYTHING gets in the way of normal functioning... it's a problem.
But I'm such a strong person... that once it topples me over... I'm going to fall hard. I wish I wouldn't be so strong, and so willing to just push stuff back... but that's the only way to deal with things. It really, honestly, truly is.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,
for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
-- Galatians 3:28
PS: this is in NO WAY indicative of how I feel at this moment. I'm actually pretty happy, if not mellow.
Tuesday
Just a short little musing today.
This morning a discussion on depression was brought up, and the whole 'act' of cutting. One of my friends was stating what would happen if she ever started doing that... and I said, "It's not a matter of if, it's when" (for me). My friend looked at me like I was crazy.
"You don't know how close I've gotten"
"Oh no, you've told me."
"Not recently"
And the look she gave me was pure surprise. It's not the first time, but it made me realize what a strong face I put on. When I'm around people... I temporarily forget. But it's really gnawing at me sometimes. I just.... I've really come so close. I've actually held the blade to my skin and just had to ease pressure on to actually cut the skin. It's... it's scary to think about.
But anyway. I almost felt like I was going to have a breakdown in my creative writing class. Well, for the journal we could write about any topic. So I tried to write my next character for NaNo, which was Katrina Franklin, who has Major Depressive Disorder. One of my last sentences was "She may as well be me. But she's not. For one simple reason" (that's all I can recall at this point). I'm not really sure how true that statement is... but I reflected on it...
And it made me wish that someone would pay attention. See that I'm not all smiles and giggles. See that there is something wrong. But maybe they won't notice until something actually happens. If that means I have to surprise someone with my thoughts... then so be it. I will do it.
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we
ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know
that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we
asked of him.
-- 1 John 5:14-15
This morning a discussion on depression was brought up, and the whole 'act' of cutting. One of my friends was stating what would happen if she ever started doing that... and I said, "It's not a matter of if, it's when" (for me). My friend looked at me like I was crazy.
"You don't know how close I've gotten"
"Oh no, you've told me."
"Not recently"
And the look she gave me was pure surprise. It's not the first time, but it made me realize what a strong face I put on. When I'm around people... I temporarily forget. But it's really gnawing at me sometimes. I just.... I've really come so close. I've actually held the blade to my skin and just had to ease pressure on to actually cut the skin. It's... it's scary to think about.
But anyway. I almost felt like I was going to have a breakdown in my creative writing class. Well, for the journal we could write about any topic. So I tried to write my next character for NaNo, which was Katrina Franklin, who has Major Depressive Disorder. One of my last sentences was "She may as well be me. But she's not. For one simple reason" (that's all I can recall at this point). I'm not really sure how true that statement is... but I reflected on it...
And it made me wish that someone would pay attention. See that I'm not all smiles and giggles. See that there is something wrong. But maybe they won't notice until something actually happens. If that means I have to surprise someone with my thoughts... then so be it. I will do it.
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we
ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know
that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we
asked of him.
-- 1 John 5:14-15
Sunday
Last night I went to a friend's birthday party... to put it simply- it was amazing. I only wish I had brought my camera, just to remember it all. I mean, that's how it normally is at her parties. But, it's alright. Sometimes it's enough to just remember how it went.
Anyhow, I got there a little late... but totally not my fault. Even though she lives like a block away from me... and I drove... Uhm, yeah... not gonna explain that.
It started with a card game. I typically like games that have strategies. So, in the round that I watched, and the actual rules being told to me... I figured it out. And I won. That's pretty amazing. Then they played for second place. It was hilarious at one moment, because everyone was looking up and talking. Then my friend put down a "slap" card. I look down and see this, and just smack my hand down as hard as I can and move it away so I don't get hurt. Everyone jumped and slapped their hands down in an instant. It was so funny because everyone else was like "was it really a slap?". I dunno... maybe you really had to be there. But the fact that everyone dropped the conversation and slapped their hands down was funny.
Then we went to the park.... oh boy. This NEVER ends well. But it's always fun. Anyway. It started with me walking backwards, all the way to the park (because I like to see the faces of the people I'm talking to... or at least be able to if I want). Then, it went into a discussion of who we would trust with our lives in that group. Out of the 5 there... I would have trusted 2 of them. Very sad, indeed. It's not that I don't trust the other 3... I would just be very scared if I had to depend on them to live. But ya know... Anyway. It started with playing on the jungle gym. And then it went to playing with a nerf football. Last year, it ended up with me getting tackled. By everyone. This year, I avoided that. And it made me very happy.
We walked home (some of us backwards). And I got very frightened with how close the car behind me parked. So I pulled forward. All the guys (all three of them) hopped into my car and were yelling "ROAD TRIP". It was very interesting... Then I felt happier having a few more inches between the back of my car and the front of the other.
Dinnar time. A veggie burger for me, of course. Lit a fire... and well... the wind made us a little scared. And it was cold out. I basically touched everyone's arms and made them freak out with how cold my hands were. Maybe next year I should bring a sweater and gloves... Anyhow, the fun part begins. The pinata.
Every year, something goes wrong with the pinata. One year the fence got broken, some people almost get beat, the garage door gets dented.... yeah, pretty crazy. Anyhow, nothing happened. Well, except for the pinata being broken by the second person. Pft. That's what duct tape is for.
Cake, then presents and sitting around and talking. By this point it's like 9. People slowly start leaving, and since I live the closest, I leave when the last person does. It was 10:20 when I left. Yepp. Amazing.
Got home, showered, read and lights out at 11. I was out. I had trouble staying asleep, but for the most part I was out. Dragged myself out of bed at about 8...
Overall, I had an awesome time this weekend.
"Have not I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be
terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be
with you wherever you go."
-- Joshua 1:9
Anyhow, I got there a little late... but totally not my fault. Even though she lives like a block away from me... and I drove... Uhm, yeah... not gonna explain that.
It started with a card game. I typically like games that have strategies. So, in the round that I watched, and the actual rules being told to me... I figured it out. And I won. That's pretty amazing. Then they played for second place. It was hilarious at one moment, because everyone was looking up and talking. Then my friend put down a "slap" card. I look down and see this, and just smack my hand down as hard as I can and move it away so I don't get hurt. Everyone jumped and slapped their hands down in an instant. It was so funny because everyone else was like "was it really a slap?". I dunno... maybe you really had to be there. But the fact that everyone dropped the conversation and slapped their hands down was funny.
Then we went to the park.... oh boy. This NEVER ends well. But it's always fun. Anyway. It started with me walking backwards, all the way to the park (because I like to see the faces of the people I'm talking to... or at least be able to if I want). Then, it went into a discussion of who we would trust with our lives in that group. Out of the 5 there... I would have trusted 2 of them. Very sad, indeed. It's not that I don't trust the other 3... I would just be very scared if I had to depend on them to live. But ya know... Anyway. It started with playing on the jungle gym. And then it went to playing with a nerf football. Last year, it ended up with me getting tackled. By everyone. This year, I avoided that. And it made me very happy.
We walked home (some of us backwards). And I got very frightened with how close the car behind me parked. So I pulled forward. All the guys (all three of them) hopped into my car and were yelling "ROAD TRIP". It was very interesting... Then I felt happier having a few more inches between the back of my car and the front of the other.
Dinnar time. A veggie burger for me, of course. Lit a fire... and well... the wind made us a little scared. And it was cold out. I basically touched everyone's arms and made them freak out with how cold my hands were. Maybe next year I should bring a sweater and gloves... Anyhow, the fun part begins. The pinata.
Every year, something goes wrong with the pinata. One year the fence got broken, some people almost get beat, the garage door gets dented.... yeah, pretty crazy. Anyhow, nothing happened. Well, except for the pinata being broken by the second person. Pft. That's what duct tape is for.
Cake, then presents and sitting around and talking. By this point it's like 9. People slowly start leaving, and since I live the closest, I leave when the last person does. It was 10:20 when I left. Yepp. Amazing.
Got home, showered, read and lights out at 11. I was out. I had trouble staying asleep, but for the most part I was out. Dragged myself out of bed at about 8...
Overall, I had an awesome time this weekend.
"Have not I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be
terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be
with you wherever you go."
-- Joshua 1:9
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)