Just a short little musing today.

This morning a discussion on depression was brought up, and the whole 'act' of cutting. One of my friends was stating what would happen if she ever started doing that... and I said, "It's not a matter of if, it's when" (for me). My friend looked at me like I was crazy.

"You don't know how close I've gotten"
"Oh no, you've told me."
"Not recently"

And the look she gave me was pure surprise. It's not the first time, but it made me realize what a strong face I put on. When I'm around people... I temporarily forget. But it's really gnawing at me sometimes. I just.... I've really come so close. I've actually held the blade to my skin and just had to ease pressure on to actually cut the skin. It's... it's scary to think about.

But anyway. I almost felt like I was going to have a breakdown in my creative writing class. Well, for the journal we could write about any topic. So I tried to write my next character for NaNo, which was Katrina Franklin, who has Major Depressive Disorder. One of my last sentences was "She may as well be me. But she's not. For one simple reason" (that's all I can recall at this point). I'm not really sure how true that statement is... but I reflected on it...

And it made me wish that someone would pay attention. See that I'm not all smiles and giggles. See that there is something wrong. But maybe they won't notice until something actually happens. If that means I have to surprise someone with my thoughts... then so be it. I will do it.

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we
ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know
that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we
asked of him.
-- 1 John 5:14-15