Every day.~From sixbillionsecrets.com
Every single day, I wish I had the strength to cut myself...or maybe even kill myself.
Just cause I'm smiling and always cracking jokes doesn't mean I'm really happy. It just means that I'm too scared of nobody caring when I let it out.
~My response
Soaring_Eagle_12
It's almost as if I posted this... I've told my friends that just because I'm smiling and giggling, doesn't mean I'm OK. I don't think any of them have realized how bad it really gets... only one person even has the faintest idea. Even then... nobody really knows. Silent suffering is harder and even worse than if you actually did start cutting yourself. I've been down that road, too.
People care so much. Stay strong, and keep telling people something is wrong. One of them will listen. I promise.
I honestly believe every word I said. I keep telling two people that I am SO close to that everything isn't what it seems on the surface... yet I don't think they really get it. They KNOW I've come close to cutting, they KNOW I'm not all "sunshine and rainbows". Yet... they don't think anything is really that wrong. Which, I mean, I can understand. If I'm not showing any signs on depression... why worry? Which is why they should worry more. One day might be my breaking point. One day I might really need help... and I won't be able to go to them.
But there IS someone that I talk to when it gets worse than usual. But even that doesn't tell you the severity of it. He knows how bad it gets.. but he doesn't know how often I'm on the brink.
In fact, no one knows. I am in silent suffering. It... it sucks. But how am I ever going to get help?
I honestly hold back on getting help for anything relating to myself. Last night? Couldn't fall asleep. My knee was in pure agony. Does anyone really care? No, of course not. I can still walk. I can still function.
Once ANYTHING gets in the way of normal functioning... it's a problem.
But I'm such a strong person... that once it topples me over... I'm going to fall hard. I wish I wouldn't be so strong, and so willing to just push stuff back... but that's the only way to deal with things. It really, honestly, truly is.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,
for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
-- Galatians 3:28
PS: this is in NO WAY indicative of how I feel at this moment. I'm actually pretty happy, if not mellow.
3 comments:
That's amazing, what you said to that person on six billion secrets. And I'm really glad you told that person that, and I'm sure it'll have an effect on them. But I really hope you get help for yourself sometime, too. You're a really great person, so caring and I'm really grateful to have you as a friend.
LYLAS and God bless, Lizzie.
~Aly
<3. Thank you. I'm sure there will be a day that I will. Not sure when... but I have a feeling it will be soon.
LYLAS and God Bless you too, Ali. Goodness knows how much of a blessing you are in my life. :)
I hope so. I love you like a sister, Lizzie. You're a blessing in my life too. :)
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