And just when I thought life was going so well.

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I swore I would never be like this but... I have no choice. It happened. Can I change it? Yes, but it'd be like loosing a part of me. I just can't. It's too hard. grrrr.

If I could express everything I could. However, this is all I'm going to say, and this is what I want to say to him:

You don't have to shut down and become defensive when I make one comment. I'm young and I don't know how to word everything correctly. Just because I said something, doesn't mean you have to feel guilty because you're the one who said it first. I like you, I really do. But sometimes I wonder... I open myself up to you, I tell you things it takes MONTHS for other people to know. I let you inside my mind, I let you know about the worst times of my life. You pay me back by refusing to let me know what's on your mind. You don't accept it when I tell you everything's OK. It's so frustraing. I don't even know why I put up with it... but I do.

You are an amazing guy. Really, you are. I wish you could see that about your self. I can't always be there to hold your hand and convince you that you are. I hate to say it, but... it's true. Maybe both of us have some growing up to do. I with experience and you with... well... I don't know.

Sometimes, your need to know everything that goes on in my mind is... it's irritating. I don't like to let people inside my thoughts. It's uncomfortable. I have enough trouble with letting my friends in, and I've known some of them for years. I've only known you for months. It's a trust issue. I... I have more issue than you know. You don't know all of them, because I don't know why.

I'm glad you are a great listener when you need to be. I'm grateful for when you're able to comfort me. I'm glad you're in my life. But maybe... maybe you're being too intruding. Or not. Probably not.

Do you know how much it frustrates me when you hide stuff from me? I try to talk to you, and you just build this brick wall that takes forever to take down. Sometimes I don't even trust you when you say you're OK. When you say "Don't worry" I worry more. I don't need to know details, I just want to know why you're so sad and down. I want to be for you, what you are for me. I want to be able to comfort you, to be a good listener.

I've told you that I need to mature. You know that. You even know why. I just wish you would keep in mind that... I act more like a 10 year old than 15 year old. It's my tragic flaw. I just can't act like a normal teen. There are so many things that you should know...but I can't bring myself to tell you. Maybe it's for the best...

This sounds so depressing. I know it does... but it's what's on my mind. You always want to know, so here you go. Uncensored. It's not so great, is it? Trust me, you want to stay as far away from me as possible. I hate to even think this thought... but maybe I'm going to push you out of my mind tonight. Maybe I'll forget. Just for a little while. It hurts, but... maybe it has to be done.

In other news... HALLOWEEN! :D yay. I'm going trick or treating and having fun with my friends. It looks like it should be a fun night...

This post is going to sound totally vain but... I have to say it. If you really know me, it's like it's a revelation of some sorts.

I never realized how... pretty I could be.

Totally vain, right?

Well... today I was wearing my black dress which... actually makes me look really nice. I originally got it for my graduation dance (8th grade). It's about knee-length and form-fitting. While I am overweight... I have to admit, I have some pretty nice curves XD.

Anyway. I took my hair down (it's ALWAYS in a ponytail), and I looked in the mirror... and I realized... I was pretty. Now... it seems like something that everyone either embraces or denies. I hate to say it... but I'm in the middle. I'm not really embracing it... but I don't think I'm going to be denying it from now on. (Or at least... I'll try not too).

Does this mean I've raised to a new level of confidence? Oh heck no. I'm just realizing who I am... just a little bit late. And I'm seeing what everyone else sees. Maybe life isn't so bad after all :)

I tend to feel better if I post what's on my mind so I can get it out of my mind.

One, I feel so anxious to get NaNo started. I'm also worried... but, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

Two, there's this girl in my choir who is pregnant. She's engaged, too. (BTW, she's a senior). Blargggg. I made my little freshman buddy promise me she'll wait until she's at least in college before she has sex. I'm pretty sure she was just saying that to make me happy, but ya never know.

Wow. It's been a little while. Nothing too amazing has been happening. Just life as normal. I took the PSAT's a little while ago. That was... interesting. (Gonna take the PLAN next month, too).

Math is going... not too bad. I got a 75 on my last test. :D (hey, it's passing. Not the B or higher I'm used to, but IT IS PASSING!). I was so freakin' happy that day. No joke.

Uhm... it's been getting colder. Fall weather, finally. I'm not a big fan of how cold it can get, but it's better than boiling. Not like my wardrobe changes much from just putting on a sweater :P. (And maybe putting sneakers on, too... ).

Hmm.... Oh! I got a new computer. So, now I finally have my own. I had a little adventure with make up. It was OK. Not like I'm going to start wearing make up that often anyway.

And, I think that's about it... (Other than some geeky spazzing over Mythbusters and Ninja Warrior).

I don't think words can describe how I'm feeling. I can try, but it won't be easy.

For one part, I have intense guilt and sadness that's bearing over me. My sister got my report card. :\ Crap. Ok, so I already know I'm not doing good in math. At all. I KNOW that. My first six weeks was a total disaster. I had no freakin' clue what I was doing, and I did BAD. Like, really bad. Failing bad. Yeah, seriously.

Like others, I have a pride thing. I really thought I could do this on my own. I REALLY did. I know I was foolish to believe that now, but I don't know. It's hard. I used to be really good at math. I guess I just missed out on some important things.

I feel guilty because I could have avoided this. I could have asked for help. I could have done so many things. It's obviously way too late for that.

It's not too late for me to bring up my grade by semester- because it's THOSE grades that count. I'm starting to understand things. New concepts are starting to come up.... and I think I can do OK.

Alas... Oh well. It's OK. I know my sister is really pissed at me, but my parents will understand. I just feel like I've disappointed some important people, though. :(

Retreat part two:

Started with a funeral/mass. It wasn't too bad. Really somber and quiet. We did some talking... and it really wasn't that bad. It was just wayyyy to early in the morning. It really was. Bleh. Oh well.

Otherwise, I had an AMAZING weekend. On Saturday evening, my sister, her boyfriend and I went to Greek Fest. Good food. Yum. It was a good time. My sister learned how to work my film camera I use for my photography class.

Sunday (today) we got up wayyy early (5AM) to go to balloon fiesta. Totally worth being up early. Got some good pictures. Balloons went up even though pilots were a little worried. It was basically amazing. I love balloon fiesta. Every year you can see them dotting the sky. :)

So tired though. Lets see if I can actually function in school tomorrow. :P

Retreat : Part uno!

Alright, so tonight was the first leg of my first religious retreat. I wish I could say it felt powerful. I wish I could say I felt God. I wish I could. But I can't. Yes, I did feel utter calmness through a good portion of it, but I wasn't touched. It certainly was a powerful experience for some people. But.... for me... I just felt like I was there.

I know it'll take time. I didn't expect for anything to happen to me. I just wish I could open my mind and heart fully. I know I can do it. I just need to let some stuff go.

Tomorrow is going to be the second part of the retreat. We'll see what happens then :)