And just when I thought life was going so well.

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I swore I would never be like this but... I have no choice. It happened. Can I change it? Yes, but it'd be like loosing a part of me. I just can't. It's too hard. grrrr.

If I could express everything I could. However, this is all I'm going to say, and this is what I want to say to him:

You don't have to shut down and become defensive when I make one comment. I'm young and I don't know how to word everything correctly. Just because I said something, doesn't mean you have to feel guilty because you're the one who said it first. I like you, I really do. But sometimes I wonder... I open myself up to you, I tell you things it takes MONTHS for other people to know. I let you inside my mind, I let you know about the worst times of my life. You pay me back by refusing to let me know what's on your mind. You don't accept it when I tell you everything's OK. It's so frustraing. I don't even know why I put up with it... but I do.

You are an amazing guy. Really, you are. I wish you could see that about your self. I can't always be there to hold your hand and convince you that you are. I hate to say it, but... it's true. Maybe both of us have some growing up to do. I with experience and you with... well... I don't know.

Sometimes, your need to know everything that goes on in my mind is... it's irritating. I don't like to let people inside my thoughts. It's uncomfortable. I have enough trouble with letting my friends in, and I've known some of them for years. I've only known you for months. It's a trust issue. I... I have more issue than you know. You don't know all of them, because I don't know why.

I'm glad you are a great listener when you need to be. I'm grateful for when you're able to comfort me. I'm glad you're in my life. But maybe... maybe you're being too intruding. Or not. Probably not.

Do you know how much it frustrates me when you hide stuff from me? I try to talk to you, and you just build this brick wall that takes forever to take down. Sometimes I don't even trust you when you say you're OK. When you say "Don't worry" I worry more. I don't need to know details, I just want to know why you're so sad and down. I want to be for you, what you are for me. I want to be able to comfort you, to be a good listener.

I've told you that I need to mature. You know that. You even know why. I just wish you would keep in mind that... I act more like a 10 year old than 15 year old. It's my tragic flaw. I just can't act like a normal teen. There are so many things that you should know...but I can't bring myself to tell you. Maybe it's for the best...

This sounds so depressing. I know it does... but it's what's on my mind. You always want to know, so here you go. Uncensored. It's not so great, is it? Trust me, you want to stay as far away from me as possible. I hate to even think this thought... but maybe I'm going to push you out of my mind tonight. Maybe I'll forget. Just for a little while. It hurts, but... maybe it has to be done.

In other news... HALLOWEEN! :D yay. I'm going trick or treating and having fun with my friends. It looks like it should be a fun night...