There comes a moment in your life where you have to evaluate what you have. I'm at the point where I'm grasping at straws. I'm not sure where my life is going exactly. I'm not quite sure what I've been blessed with and what I've been cursed with. I'm not sure about a lot of things.

I know I've been blessed with an amazing family and even more amazing friends. I live in a comfortable life. I don't really have anything to be upset about.

And yet I find a way. I find some way to take my good life and make it seem bad. It's not like I'm going through anything particularly terrible. I know my life isn't horrible and I'm not exactly whining that it's awful. I'm just hurting. I want something from life that I don't think I can get just yet.

I don't even know why I'm hurting this badly anyway. I want to scream out so many obscenities and say so many terrible things to/about David. But you know what? I'm not. I'm not even going to write them here. I feel like I should be better than that. And I will be better than that. I will.

However, it's clear to me that I'm not completely over some things just yet. Lets go allll the way back to September when I freaked out about my dad's schizophrenia. I had a little break down a few nights ago and I confided in a friend that it still was off-putting for me. It's not like there's a real difference in my dad, but when I was sitting in church alone last Sunday, it wasn't right. I felt so alone. I would much rather be squished between my parents, no matter how annoying I may find it. I can't stand the feeling that sometimes I'm being watched.

I mean, I'm proud of my dad rising up and taking care of himself when my mom can't be there for him. My mom has been putting in so much work and effort just to keep the family going. She has worked so much these past few days, I'm scared for her. She knows that all this work isn't good for her. She is taking two sick days (this is her first, tomorrow is her second) followed by her day off. Granted, she is going to be working holidays, but it's not that long.

I'm feeling extreme guilt for taking and taking so much. I feel like I'm just a burden most of the time. Nobody needs to try to tell me differently.

This talk about college scares me. I was told that going to my top choice would make me unhappy, and that the school I'll probably end up going to anyway is the best for me. I want to make my own decision... but I'm so scared. It keeps hitting me that I could be going out of state. By this time next year I could be sitting in my brother's house, petting his cats. I could be so far removed from all my friends... I'm just not sure anymore.

Then again, what if I stay in state? What will happen to me then?

I know all of these troubles aren't really worth the worry I place on them. Sure other kids go through the same things and come out fine. I should be one of them. But I'm not. How is someone supposed to accept the fact that one of her parents is being worked further into sickness? That one parent could potentially snap again at a singular moment?

College money is almost the least of my worries at this point.

This marks the third night in a row that I've cried. I know I'm being emotional. But I just want some comfort. I literally just want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me cry. I want someone to be able to be there for me.

I don't know why I'm so weak when I'm alone. It's not like it's a new state for me. I used to be strong and independent. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I'm just tired....

What a way to end the year, eh? Just a few more days until Christmas and I'm feeling like Scrooge. I want the holidays to be over.

Otherwise my break has been OK. I'm currently reading my fifth book, and hope to be done with it soon. (I'm roughly halfway).

It's been nice to sit back and not have a schedule.

I... I think I've said pretty much everything I need to.

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest
heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on
it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything,
and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
-- Nehemiah 9:6