Isn't it funny that you can know obscure things about a person, but not know the basics?

There's this girl that has recently started to come to book club. She is an amazing and fantastic person. Yeah, she's a little quirky and out of the norm, but I can tell that she is a good person. She's bubbly, and really isn't afraid to speak her mind.

I have to say, book club is my sanity saving grace. I will wake up on Thursdays ready to go. The people are nice and we all just kinda... click. We are an obscure group, to say the least. Mostly girls. (There is one guy, though). We have some quiet people, we have some loud people.

Though, the one thing we share is that we love books. We love to read. Maybe we don't like the same books, but we give it a try. We are all... somewhat intellectual. I'm not really all that surprised that this is what keeps me sane.

I can't wait for the social next week. It's fun just talking. Once we hit on a subject, words just fly. It's really fun. It makes me wish that I could stay here. Darn school.

I'm not really sure why I'm blogging about this. Probably because I have nothing better to do. My summer is almost gone. But, somehow, I'm content. I've done absolutely nothing with my summer, but... I feel like it's been good. Maybe it's not the wild, crazy summer others might have... I just feel this summer was me. (or, so far at least. I still have about 2-3 weeks left. lol. )

I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I mean, I need to say something. I need to get something, anything off my chest. I feel horrible. My day was boring, but that usually doesn't get me down. I really feel depressed. Honestly, right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for hours and hours on end. If it lets me just get away from everything.

My friend that I was talking to earlier asked how my day was... and for once I was honest. I don't think she even cares that I'm feeling depressed. I mean, she was telling me about her day... I'm sitting here writing (I got inspiration...), and she's like, "you don't even care, do you?". I don't know why, but I just got so irritated. Only five minutes ago, I told you my day was depressing, and I don't know why. Shouldn't that raise a flag???!?!?!

/sigh. Aly- I know you're going to read this eventually. Whether you comment or not, I know you're there, and I thank you. I just feel so down. I know I should be getting up and getting out, but I don't know anymore. However, I know I have the same strength I had in sixth grade. I'm going to get through this.

These are the times that I'm glad to have a christian radio station that I can fall back on. Maybe some good music, sleep and just letting go will make me feel just a little better tomorrow. :)
-
I just want to edit because I don't feel like making a new post. Ok, so some sleep did me good. I'm sleepy, but not depressed feeling. I actually kind of want to get out of the house today. So 'm pretty sure that means I'm feeling better. :D

Ipod thingy stolen from Aly

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down

If someone says "Is this Okay?" You say:
"Secondhand Dreaming" by Ruth

How would you describe yourself?
"More than Useless" by Relient K. (:( RK is mean. XD)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
"Bee Your Man" By Relient K

How do you feel today?
"I'll Get Over It (Miss Elaineous)" By Everyday Sunday

What's your life purpose?
"Redemption" By Switchfoot

What do your friends think of you?
"Movin' On" By Needtobreathe

What do your parents think of you?
"Softer to me" By Relient K

What do you often think about?
"Cross the line" by Ruth

What do you think about the person you like?
"Hello McFly" By Relient K (XD)

What is your life's story?
"Who I am hates who I've been" By Relient K (hmm...)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers (I hope not D:)

What will they play at your funeral?
"For the moments I feel faint" by Relient K (Hmm... fitting. I think)

What is your biggest fear?
"Knew it all" by Needotbreathe

What is your biggest secret?
"Untitled" by Simple Plan

What is your future going to be like?
"Sadie Hawkins Dance" By Relient K

What do you see in the person you like?
"Paperthin Hymn" By Anberlin

What will the song be for you and your spouse?
"Twenty-Four" by Switchfoot

---This is where the original one I found stops, but I'ma keep going with another one I just found. I'm having too much fun doing this. I have to do this more.---

Will you get far in life?
"18th Floor Balcony" by Blue October (D:)

Will you get married?
"If" by House of Heroes

What is your best friend's theme song?
"Move Along" by All-American Rejects

What was high school like?
"Mood Rings" by Relient K (So far, yes!)

How can you get ahead in life?
"Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall

What is the best thing about your friends?
"Up and UP" by Relient K (Indeed)

What is in store for this weekend?
"Again" by Needtobreathe

To describe your grandparents?
"Intro (Instrumental)" by House of Heroes (It's so pretty!)

How is your life going?
"You and me" by Lifehouse

How does the world see you?
"Fast Enough" by House of Heroes

Will you have a happy life?
"Devastation and Reform" by Relient K :(

Do people secretly lust after you?
"Shrink the world" by Yellowcard

How can I make myself happy?
"Love will make you beautiful" by The Afters

What should you do with your life?
"I hate Christmas Parties" by Relient K

Will you ever have children?
"Where do I go? (acoustic)" By Relient K

If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
"She is" by The Fray

What does your mum think of you?
"I'm Lion-o" By Relient K XD

What is your deep dark secret?
"Godspeed" by Anberlin

What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (XD Wonderful)

What's your personality like?
"Trust me" by The Fray (yay?)

What's your motto?
"Waiting Game" by Yellowcard

What do you think about often?
"You" By The Afters

What do you want right now?
"Meant to live" by Switchfoot
----
Wheeeee. That was fun. I know, I have like, a bazillion RK songs. What can I say? I like a lot of their music. XD. That was fun.

So, here's what I was thinking about in the car a few minutes ago. "Why do I still trudge through my life everyday?" It's a depressing question, but I wonder. I'm no where near smart enough, courageous enough, or even innovative enough to really make a difference in the world. I mean, I'd like to become a forensic scientist, but I don't think the chances of that happening is very high.

I mean, my life right now is meaningless. I mean, I have friends, but... they really never hang out with me. I can read, and I can write, but... what is it for? It's just to keep myself from going insane with boredom. Honestly, if I died within this year, my impact would not be that big. I've done nothing.

This does sound depressing, I know. I'm just thinking. I guess I feel kind of lost. Maybe that talk I had last night did something to me. I.... I am feeling more reflective. I'm really wondering about everything. What do I know? Why has God put me on this earth? I must have a great future coming because so far, it's done nothing.

Well, almost nothing. I'd rather not go into it, but I'm sure that I, myself, am the cause of all my stress in my life. Every bad thing has happened because of myself. I'm positive.

I think I should also go sleep so I wake up happier tomorrow. I mean, staying up til two AM is fun, but I'd rather not do it often.

So, I'm sitting here, with the lights off, and bugs swarming the light of the computer screen. (Just thought I'd let you know). I'm talking to this one guy I haven't seen since we graduated sixth grade together. It's... interesting to say the least. I find that he hasn't really changed much. I'm wondering if I've changed. I probably have. I don't think I'm that same girl I was three years ago. But, I'm still close.... I think.

I realize I should either close my window, turn my fan off or put on another shirt. I'm cold... but I don't feel like getting up. Not until I give up and go to bed. Which should be soon because I'm supposed to go and see the parade with my friend later today... (It's 12:20 AM). Bah. As long as I can stay semi-awake... I can always take a nap later. Meh. Or I could go to bed earlier tonight. I think there's a reason I go to bed at 11 most nights.

Oh well. Nothing much to report. I just finished reading "Fablehaven: Grip of the Shadow Plague" a little while ago. And "City of Bones" a few days ago. Now time to open a really big book. Lol. We'll see how long until I finish this one. It's called "Gone"

Alright. I'll just say Happy Fourth of July, and then maybe go to bed soon? heh...

I realized I never really have meaningful posts. Well... nothing ever meaningful ever happens in my life. Except for today.

Early this morning, five teens were in a car accident with a suspected drunk driver. The four passengers are dead, and the driver in critical condition. The supposed drunk driver is fine.

I don't personally know these girls (and guy). None the less, it's a very upsetting thing. They had barely started their lives. (One girl was 15, the others 16). They had numerous friends and family. Even people who don't know them (like me) are touched.

Any prayers are helpful. Even keeping them in your thoughts is good. It's sad to think that this is life. It's sad to say that it happens. I feel like I'm making a big deal, but this is the closest thing to a 'personal' death that I've ever had. I'm lucky that no-one I know has died. I hope it stays that way for a long time.

In other news, my dad has returned from his trip safely. Also, I got my new glasses. :).

Huh. So I had my eye doctor's appointment today. Nothing unusual, except, it felt quicker. Probably because I didn't have my eyes dilated, nor did I have my peripheral vision checked. One thing that I can't get used to when I get my eyes checked is the puff of air that they do. That always makes me jump. Always.

Anyway, getting my new prescription was really simple. Took all of like, ten minutes. But yeah... the one thing that my doctor said that REALLY made me happy was that if I wanted to get contacts, I'd be a good candidate. He seriously said that. My eyes are healthy (even if I am going slightly blind :P). But, I'm not THAT blind. My right eye is like.. -4.00 and my left is -4.50. (Or something like that.) It hasn't changed much from the glasses from two years ago ('cause those were the ones that were being compares against).

But when he compared my old to my new I was like, "Yes. Good. Perfect." 'Cause I had noticed that my old ones... things that were a little further away, started to get fuzzy. So, I am happy about my new ones. :D And I found a new style that I like... so, maybe when I get my haircut (D: I needs to grow faster!!) I'll be happy. (Even if I didn't get contacts. Maybe next year.)

I wouldn't be surprised if, in the future, I'd need therapy for abandonment issues or something. I sure feel like it'd be great to have a therapist now for that reason. I know it's never intentional... but.. :\ still. No one can do anything without me analyzing it and coming to a conclusion. It just happens. That's me.

But yes, I do feel lonely right now. One of my best friends just got a new boyfriend. I actually know the boyfriend this time. I know she probably really like him, but the fact that she's not talking to me kinda makes me sad. This happened before, too. I guess I should get used to it. Even if I don't want to.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I like being alone. But there are times when I feel like everyone's just too busy with everyone else in their lives. I get that. Sometimes I feel like I neglect some of my friends from time to time, too. I'm willing to admit that. I know I do it. I try not to, but it happens.

I seriously wonder if I put up that much of a front. Do my friends really not realize when I'm hiding something that really bothers me? Am I that good at hiding it? I hope not.

I remember a bumper sticker on facebook that says something like... "I want a person that when I say I'm Ok, they say, 'Tell me the truth'" Or something like that. I think... I want that too. Maybe I'd be startled and put up my guard more, or maybe I'd give in. I will only know when it happens.

Too bad it probably never will. No one is ever that interested in my life. Yes, it's boring, but I need someone to care. I guess... I'm just sorta afraid of being lost in the background

It's happened before, I think. I tend to be a wallflower. I know I have been, and I know I will be. I'm not one to stand out in a crowd. But, I don't want to completely blend in. I don't want to become transparent, and have people forget about me.

I don't think I've ever realized how afraid I am of being left completely alone. With no one. I've felt being helpless and alone before. Some long stretches, some short spurts. Every time, I've just felt rock bottom. I hate it.

Sad thing is, I pick up signs when people are too busy with others. I pick them up quickly, and I know before the other person knows. Like with my friend that got a new boyfriend? It only took like, two minutes into the convo before I knew she was caught up in something more. I remembered this behavior. Then another friend, it took me accusing her of not liking me to see what she's done. She'd be online, but never talk to me, but she's talk to another friend. It took two friends getting to know each other more and more that made me feel slightly left out.

It's a history. I over analyze, and things always turn out bad. I can't help it. I over think because I have nothing better to do. It's sad really.

I've been researching. (Yes, I am a dork that way). More specifically, I've been researching contacts. I want contacts. I'm sorta trying to change my general appearance a little bit. (I'm going to get a haircut soon... depends on how my hair grows...)

I kinda wanna get contacts. I'm pretty sure this is the thing I want to do. I just have to sort everything out. First off: Why?: Weeellll, performances (choir, and maybe drama) will be easier. I do not have the glare of my glasses, nor am I going to be tempted to re-adjust them. (And well, not touching your face is a big deal in choir). I won't be bothered by smudges right in my field of vision. I will have peripheral vision. (Something I haven't had the joy of in a long time). I'll look older. (And considering how short I am... Plus, it reflects that I'm a little more mature... or at least, that's what I think). I have pretty eyes! (I, and many others, think this).

(I'm thinking about getting this certain kind of contact lens- Gas Permeable [GP for short]... mostly because that's the one I have the most info on...)

Pros: GP lenses are long lasting, and durable. These lenses have a chance of slowing down near-sightedness. (Which is what I am). They have clearer vision than soft contacts. They allow much more oxygen to pass through than the soft/gel/whatever contacts.

Cons: The GP lenses have a few weeks as an adjustment time. (However, if I get them this summer, I can adjust before schools starts). Contacts in general can be expensive, but if you shop the right brands, it could be no more than a pair of glasses! The care regimen- I MUST be very strict in following it. (I think I can handle it, though). They can tear (well, the soft ones are more likely to).

Sooooo.... what to do?

*stretch* Mmm.... Enjoying a Sunday off. I'm really tired, and should be taking a nap because I slept next to nothing last night. No, seriously. I went to bed around like, 10:45, but couldn't fall asleep. So, I got up, used the bathroom and got water. Go back to bed. Tossed and turned, probably fell asleep for a little while... was up at like, 3AM. Probably went and got some more water... probably slept a little. 6/7/8 AM, up again! Then I just drifted in and out before I just gave up and had breakfast at 9:30.

But, anyway, last night I was thinking about how my sister always has these "crushes" on people in my school/performances...

It all started in Elementary school. It was some band/choir performance (once I was in 4th grade, I did both for three years...) This particular incident happened in 6th grade. My sister came to see my performance and was talking on about how the guy who sits behind me (-_- the guy I kinda liked at the time, too) was cute or something. (Either that or how we would look good together). However, it's only when she gets a new crush that she brings him up again.

Then there was 8th grade. Graduation, to be exact. Since it was the last time I'd ever see like, any of those people again, I was taking pictures with some of them. I decided (stupidly) to take a picture with this one guy that was kinda mean to me this year. (He's a total ego-maniac, I'm telling you!). But, I took a picture with him because... well... he was kinda sweet if you got to know him (when he's AWAY from his friends). And so like, everyone (ok, fine, my sister and my cousin... and a few friends...) thinks he's like... 'hot' or whatever. :\ yeah.. uh.... suuuureeee..... (>< ok, fine I admit it! I think he is kinda cute.)

Then, the most recent one. It was at my drama performance only a few weeks ago. (It was May 29th, I believe). We were driving home and she I'm not really sure what she said. Something along the lines of hinting he was cute/liking him/I should go out with him/we would look cute together/whatever. I was all, "He's 10." (But hey, for ten... I feel like a pedo- but he is kinda cute). And she goes, "Oh... he's too young." Gee. Really? :P :P :P

But yeah... those are the ones that I can think of. (I'm sure you've noticed that my sister always picks out the guys that I like/think is/are (whatever is gramatically correct) cute.)