So I just want to report my first ever car crash. Completely not my fault. I was going through a yellow light, and a car decided to turn left. I braked as hard as I could, but still wound up hitting them. My passenger headlight is smashed, the hood slightly crumpled and I'm leaking windshield wiper fluid. (at least, I'm assuming that's it).

No one was hurt, and it was relatively quick getting information. However, I am still kinda jittery, but calming down. I'm going to go eat and forget that today happened.

Oh, and I thank the Lord with everything I have today. As well as Japanese engineering.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12

Alright, so, I have discovered EXACTLY why even though I think I'm a bit pudgy (hey, no one can deny that)I'll never be anorexic (or bulimic for that matter). I love food. Way too much. I also realized that I don't eat nearly enough. But that is hardly my fault. There really isn't a whole lot of food in the house....

Anyway. This week went alright. I'm feeling pretty happy and optimistic! Maybe because I slept A LOT over the weekend.

Uhmmm...

I read a lot of 'pro-ana' blogs today. They disgust me. I mean... those people have to have some SERIOUS mental issues. Well, who am I to judge, really, but still. I could never bring myself to do the things they do. It's kinda insane. They need so much help. But it also opens my eyes to see the signs in other people, if the need ever arises.

I'm really hyperactive and unfocused right now. I'm just... I'll stop now.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
-- 1 Chronicles 16:11

So once again it is New Year's Eve. Of course I'm browsing the internet, as always. I personally can't (and don't want to) believe that 2011 is over (well, almost). It's been an odd year... full of things that I can't explain. Of course I've detailed much of it here. Maybe not all of it, but the stuff that matters.

I think I've given up on making resolutions. I know I'll never keep 'em, so what's the point of making them in the first place? Sure I should make some changes in my life, but it's already going to change a lot this coming year anyway. I just need to be able to have a strong head on my shoulders.

I could go on about how I'm going to leave this past year behind and make this coming year awesome and amazing. But I've seen enough optimistic facebook posts already. I don't need to bring it to my blog. I have hope that it'll be a good year, but we can only wait to find out.

Ok, so I'm not in the best of moods this evening. It's New Year's Eve though, why WOULD I be happy? I dunno... I'm just... eh.

I'm doing this post early this year because it's Saturday and I have to be up early tomorrow morning.

Mrrrhhh... I dunno. I should be sleeping. I really should. I kinda wanna sleep so I could possibly have a really cracky Doctor Who dream. I mean, I've only been obsessively watching for the past three days. I want to catch up and finish the season. I'm close. So close.

*cuddles koala bear* It's so time for bed.

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,
but to save the world through him.
-- John 3:17

Ok, fine, I'm irrevocably obsessed with Doctor Who even though I'm a little late to the party. Late and with no banana. So I can't do episode synopsis...es... nor can I explain where famous quotes come from or any of that. David Tennant is one sexy man and I love watching him act.

I watched Doctor Who all day today instead of all the other things I was supposed to be doing. No regrets. I may even do it tomorrow. But my break is almost over and it makes me sad. Though I'm not sure how I'd cope with a longer break. I do need to be getting up and DOING stuff. But I'm lacking all sorts of motivation.

Just one paper. That's all I have to do. But I'm probably not. I've had to do it for awhile now. I just don't have a topic. Oh well. It WILL get done before I go back home. I promise myself. Even if I get a strike of brilliance at nearly 2AM- I will write it down and get my sources before going to bed. I WILL.

Anyway. I guess it's been a good break so far. There were some touch and go moments earlier, but I think I'm OK for now. I honestly can't wait to get back to school. Sort of.

I just realized that I may not have time for everything I wanted. But, only time will tell.

I kinda sorta just wish I had a day to sew things. And the ideas to sew. But alas, I don't really have either.

I also want a day to write. With ideas to write as well. I do have some ideas, but I can't make myself focus on them. Gah. The internet. So tantalizing.

Anyhow. I have one last book that I HAVE to finish before break is over. About 300-some pages to read. I can do it in a day if I just sit and read all day. Which I've been known to do.

I also need to do scholarships. But I dun wanna. But I WILL. I promise.

I feel the need to re-watch "Avatar: The Last Airbender". I really don't know why, but it's been awhile since I've seen it. It's time to re-watch before Korra....

I'm really lousy about sleeping. I've been going to bed at ungodly hours the past few days. I almost napped on the couch earlier. So I should probably return my schedule back to something reasonable. Possibly starting tonight. It's my goal to be off the internet (I might read) by 1AM. Yes. That's actually fairly early considering the 3 and almost 4AM that I've been doing.

I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm kinda fading in and out. I should sleep well tonight. I'll probably go to sleep earlier than I thought because I can feel a headache forming. The only way I can really get rid of them is to sleep.

Yeesh, this is becoming one of my longer blogs in awhile, isn't it? I'm kinda happy so maybe that's why. A touch hyper, but over all happy. It's weird being happy. It's just... I'm not quite used to it. Which is really sad because I used to be really happy. I was a happy child and I had more happy moments even in high school. For some reason I've been more apathetic or even upset lately. I don't care to pinpoint my troubles because that's just focusing on the bad. I want to focus on the good. I want to be happy.

Anyhow. I had a thought but how it's escaped. Oh no.

Aye. The new year is almost here. I'm scared of what's to come. But I will wait with patience. It will all come in due time.

I'm sort of looking forward to February. It's when I know for sure if I can go to Carroll or not.

I'm wondering when my niece and sister are coming to town. I know my mom said later in January but I forgot the exact date.

I've been browsing through a few people's tumblr's because it fills a fangirliness bit inside of me.

But seriously. I want to see my niece. She is so adorable and awesome and I just.. yes. I just wanna see her.

Ok. I think my thoughts have finally run out. Time to lull myself to sleep by reading!

Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him
up.
-- Romans 15:2

There comes a moment in your life where you have to evaluate what you have. I'm at the point where I'm grasping at straws. I'm not sure where my life is going exactly. I'm not quite sure what I've been blessed with and what I've been cursed with. I'm not sure about a lot of things.

I know I've been blessed with an amazing family and even more amazing friends. I live in a comfortable life. I don't really have anything to be upset about.

And yet I find a way. I find some way to take my good life and make it seem bad. It's not like I'm going through anything particularly terrible. I know my life isn't horrible and I'm not exactly whining that it's awful. I'm just hurting. I want something from life that I don't think I can get just yet.

I don't even know why I'm hurting this badly anyway. I want to scream out so many obscenities and say so many terrible things to/about David. But you know what? I'm not. I'm not even going to write them here. I feel like I should be better than that. And I will be better than that. I will.

However, it's clear to me that I'm not completely over some things just yet. Lets go allll the way back to September when I freaked out about my dad's schizophrenia. I had a little break down a few nights ago and I confided in a friend that it still was off-putting for me. It's not like there's a real difference in my dad, but when I was sitting in church alone last Sunday, it wasn't right. I felt so alone. I would much rather be squished between my parents, no matter how annoying I may find it. I can't stand the feeling that sometimes I'm being watched.

I mean, I'm proud of my dad rising up and taking care of himself when my mom can't be there for him. My mom has been putting in so much work and effort just to keep the family going. She has worked so much these past few days, I'm scared for her. She knows that all this work isn't good for her. She is taking two sick days (this is her first, tomorrow is her second) followed by her day off. Granted, she is going to be working holidays, but it's not that long.

I'm feeling extreme guilt for taking and taking so much. I feel like I'm just a burden most of the time. Nobody needs to try to tell me differently.

This talk about college scares me. I was told that going to my top choice would make me unhappy, and that the school I'll probably end up going to anyway is the best for me. I want to make my own decision... but I'm so scared. It keeps hitting me that I could be going out of state. By this time next year I could be sitting in my brother's house, petting his cats. I could be so far removed from all my friends... I'm just not sure anymore.

Then again, what if I stay in state? What will happen to me then?

I know all of these troubles aren't really worth the worry I place on them. Sure other kids go through the same things and come out fine. I should be one of them. But I'm not. How is someone supposed to accept the fact that one of her parents is being worked further into sickness? That one parent could potentially snap again at a singular moment?

College money is almost the least of my worries at this point.

This marks the third night in a row that I've cried. I know I'm being emotional. But I just want some comfort. I literally just want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me cry. I want someone to be able to be there for me.

I don't know why I'm so weak when I'm alone. It's not like it's a new state for me. I used to be strong and independent. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I'm just tired....

What a way to end the year, eh? Just a few more days until Christmas and I'm feeling like Scrooge. I want the holidays to be over.

Otherwise my break has been OK. I'm currently reading my fifth book, and hope to be done with it soon. (I'm roughly halfway).

It's been nice to sit back and not have a schedule.

I... I think I've said pretty much everything I need to.

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest
heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on
it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything,
and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
-- Nehemiah 9:6

It's not like I'm all too surprised about this. I saw it coming a mile away. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I guess I'm not quite over it. I'll try to be happy, but I'm not sure it's happening. Time. That's all I need. I just need more time. I also need a distractor. I mean I do... but not to the depth that I want it. Oh well.

All vagueness aside.... my ex is now in a new relationship (or so I think. It's the girl that changed her status on Facebook...). But I know the girl, and I've seen how he acts. If he isn't dating her at this point I'm a little surprised. But I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I'm on vacation. Oh lovely vacation...

It snowed a lot today. And it's gonna keep doing so.

I don't want it to snow. I hate snow. It's probably keeping me from seeing a friend tomorrow.

My finals went... OK. 73 On my math; right in the range I figured. 60% on my English multiple choice (but 100% on Short answer and like 85% on the essay). And I don't know about any of my others. So all in all, not a bad finals week.

Well, except for the fact that I probably made myself sick over them the weekend before. I'm just that awesome.

Sooo...

Merry Christmas everyone!

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought
us into the kingdom of the Son he loves...
-- Colossians 1:13

It's all this fighting. This fighting just makes life worse. If I'm going to be an adult, shouldn't I be treated like one? Why should I be held accountable for something that's not going to impact their lives?

Yes, another fight about scholarships. I'm getting sick and tired of it. I shouldn't have to tell her everything I'm doing or not doing. It should just suffice that I actually do them. I don't lie about it either. And when I say I have done them, I have to prove it.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. Oh well. I better get used to it, right?

At least I start my vacation on the 16th.

Finals next week... I'm scared. I haven't studied. Well, I've started to study for my English one. I'm not sure how well this is going to prepare me....

I just need some intense review for my math final. I can do it. I know I can.

But otherwise, I'm tired. I'm so tired. Like physically I'm not sure how I'll make it through the week. Somehow I'll find a way. It's all about surviving.

In other news... I've found a bit of happiness. I can't really explain it. I mean, it's not that I don't have the words, but it's just something I'd rather have private.

Hopefully all is well with everyone else!

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our
faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning
its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-- Hebrews 12:2

You learn something new every day.

Apparently my parents knew each other (or dated or SOMETHING) for three months before they decided to get married. They've been married about 33 years.

My oldest sibling is going to turn 33 in March. Hmmm....

haha.

Tonight's been a good night. I did not fight with my family, nor did anyone else fight. The food was good and I got stuff done.

Overall, this Thanksgiving was amazing. Best I've had in years.

There does come a moment when you have to think about all the things that are good in your life. And I did.

First and foremost. I was glad that I woke up. Happy. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I wasn't feeling the deepness of depression. I was happy. That alone made my day.

Family. Sure I complain about them all the time, but I don't know what I'd do without them. They are my life. I love 'em and I can't imagine life without them. They work so hard at everything they do. They are the selfless ones.

Of course my friends. Without them I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am right now. They've taken me places. I'm also grateful for how much they love. I am continually amazed by them. They're pretty much the best things ever.

Despite how it fails, my health.

Every single privilege I have. School. Being literate. Having a car. Having a house. Having food. Being able to stay warm. Knowing that I'm safe. All of this. I can't imagine my life any different.

I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my
name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his
reward.
-- Mark 9:41

So... it's the day before Thanksgiving. It's the time when everyone thinks about the things they're grateful for, and maybe even reflect upon the past year.

I'm amazed at how much things have changed in a year. About this time last year I made the same trek, feeling almost exactly the same way. However, for two very different reasons. Last year I was angry and upset because of work. This year it's because of a fight. Unlike last year, I didn't cry on the way home. Life has been stupid, crazy, and amazing this last year.

This long weekend is also the time I take for myself. I'm angry, frustrated, and irritated and I don't want to have to deal with people. So I won't. This will be a very family focused next few days. And homework orientated because I'm a slacker.

Sometimes it doesn't look like it, but I'm extremely thankful for the life I live. And it was just proven to me that I act like a total brat sometimes. I'm just used to getting my way.... as well as being left alone.

I need to refocus. I need to stop and think of how my life is going, and where my life is going. I'm also a little terrified. It's something stupid, so I'm not going to detail it. But my future is... well... now my dream from before makes even more sense.

I hope that all of you have an amazing Thanksgiving!

Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.
-- 1 Corinthians 10:24

Sometimes I hate being everybody's therapist.

I also hate when people continually whine to me about the same things over and over again.

People just annoy the heck out of me. I need a weekend alone sometime soon. Ugh.

Oh well. I'm going to try not to be irritated....

*Sigh*

I finished NaNo today. Story isn't done, so I'll still be working til the end of the month, just not has hard.

I don't really wanna post while I'm in such a bad mood. So.... later. Or never.
Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law.
-- Psalm 119:18