I've been feeling particularly grateful these past few days. I mean, granted it's because I've been happy and such but I don't think it detracts any. I think it actually makes it better. People seem to only be grateful when they've lost something, and are down. I'm feeling grateful, and I've gained something... incredible I guess.

I guess I am overreacting about it, but as one of my friends kept saying over the past few days- "You deserve to be happy". You know what? I agree. I SHOULD be happy, shouldn't I? I have nothing to complain about. I never have, but that didn't stop me before.

Life was turning up, even before the certain event that has just made me explode with happiness. It's weird to think about it. I don't think reality has even set in yet, really...

My sleep schedule has been a bit wonky, but I'm hoping it evens out soon. I do think that I've started coping with it better, though. If I'm lucky, I only have two really crabby days a month.

Anyhow, maybe detailing my past week is in order?

Monday- Normal day as usual, I chickened out of something I needed to do. No surprise there.

Tuesday- I did what I was supposed to do the day before. It was a "meh" day, but I think it went OK.

Wednesday- Recovering from a night of awful sleep, had some nightmares that were really jarring. I felt like a mental breakdown was in order.

Thursday- Best day of the week, an important event happened. Let's just say, I'm no longer single.

Friday- Oh bajeezus. Not only was it awesome hearing everyone's reactions, but I felt amazing. I mean, lack of sleep again, but so life goes. And apparently international pigtail day.

Today- Sleep, tanned (NOT BURN. OMG) and had a fun first date. (Or technically second...?). Either way, I think it was a good day.

Tomorrow; life.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie
down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he
restores my soul.
-- Psalm 23:1-3

I think people sometimes forget the simplest things. I'm not talking about like... how to tie a shoe or something- but things that help keep our self-esteem... things that bring us closer to self-actualization. Things that make us complete.

Sorry, my brain has been on psych overload the past few days.

I would go on a rant, but I'm not really feeling in the mood.

It's been forever since I've last posted.... and there's been a bit going on this past month. Spring break, failed SAT attempt, sleep deprivation, sleepover, a depression scare and a fall.

In no particular order;

My spring break started with my waking up on a Saturday at like 6AM so I could go and take the SAT. I never ended up finding the school. I was not in a good mood, to say the least.

My spring break consisted of sewing, sleeping (sort of), baking, eating (LOTS) and burning stuff. It was ai'ight. Until I fell on Saturday.

I slipped in a puddle in my shower, bruised my hip, ribs and arm. I only have my hip bruise left.

I had a startling realization that I may have fallen into clinical depression. I soon brought myself out of that and am fairly OK now... but I wouldn't say I'm out of the woods yet.

Theeeennn.... my friend celebrated her birthday, and so there was the sleepover. It was pretty good, went how most sleepovers go. No one actually sleeps.

Then sleep deprivation has been going on basically all month. I get enough sleep that it's not like I feel tempted to fall asleep in my classes, but it's enough that I have to drudge through my day. It might be time to see a doctor. But, it won't ever happen.

Lesseee....

Today I made a decision I regret, and I guess we'll find out if it was truly a bad decision tomorrow.

In other news....

I'm not too sure. Pain has been on and off, more "on" than "off" but... eh. It's life and I'm not surprised.

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it
you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that
the Lord is good.
-- 1 Peter 2:2-3

Today...

Today I decided I am pretty. I don't know why it was today of all days... but I just feel it.

I have made a firm resolution to not refer to myself in a negative way.

I honestly don't know what it is that happened. Something just... clicked I guess. I'm just hoping I can carry this on past today... past tomorrow... past this week. If I can feel this way for awhile longer, maybe I'll be OK.

In other news...

I FINALLY SLEPT LAST NIGHT. I crashed shortly after 10, and got up around 5. Not the amount of sleep I normally get, but it got me back into a good mood. I was slap-happy and I guess that made everyone's life better. I laughed until I almost cried... and well, just felt normal again.

The weather has been gorgeous and I'm loving it so much.

I'm NOT looking forward to springing forward an hour, or having to eat fish :/ (lol, not in any way related).

Life is life... and life is good right now.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my
ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the
earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than
your thoughts."
-- Isaiah 55:8-9

So, today would have been awful under normal circumstances. Apparently, today was an abnormal day.

I woke up sometime between 3 and 3:30 this morning, and couldn't fall back asleep. The first hour was OK because it went by fast. After that it just dragged on. I almost got out of bed, made breakfast and curled my hair. I just couldn't push myself out of bed, however. I almost fell back asleep, and then my alarm went off.

I haven't slept for more than a handful of hours (and if I have, it's been awful sleep) for the past week. This morning was just awful and I was so happy my sister wasn't up to try and talk to me.

Last night really gave me some things to think about...

See, when I don't sleep, I get REALLY depressed. So last night was me thinking about how awful life has been and just me being generally depressed. I almost cried, I'll admit...

Then I got to school today. I kinda shuffle in, trying to hold my head up high. Mumbled a hello... and my friend immediately knew something was up. In fact, he was like "Do you want a hug" "... Yes". It made me feel a little bit better. I laid down, closed my eyes and just relaxed for part of the morning. But it was some banter between me and my friends that made me realize how much I really am loved. (Which I had doubts about last night).

My second I was still pretty "meh" and my friend knew after like 30 seconds after saying "Hi". "Do you need a hug?" "...Yes" haha. She assumed that it was because my sister and I fought (badly) recently... but I put that to rest quickly.

I made it through my fourth feeling pretty good. I finished 5th, was talking to a friend and felt like I was at rock bottom. We parted our ways for lunch and when I got to my group for lunch I was just feeling so bad. I was nearly ready to cry.

"Are you ok? What's wrong?" *hugs*
"I'm about ready to cry"
"Why, what happened?"
"It's just... when I don't sleep I get depressed"
"Awww, I'm sorry."
"It's OK."

But honestly, it made me feel so good knowing that someone just had to look at my face and know that something was wrong. I couldn't help but feel at least a little better after that. (Sure it helped that he was hugging me practically the entire time).

But yeah, that was my day. I managed not to be angry/snap at anybody...

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will
take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will
rejoice over you with singing.
-- Zephaniah 3:17

♥

So, basically... SUPER stressed out lately. I look back on it... and don't regret it. I could have made some better choices, but I didn't, and I don't really care.

On Wednesday, I went to go see the play that my school had put on. I was friends with two people, and really did feel the need to go see it opening night. I just like going opening night. Even though I SHOULD have gone on Friday... but ya know. Wednesday night also cues the 5 nights of no sleep! I didn't actually fall asleep until 10:30-11 or so on that night. (Heck- I didn't even get home until 9:30, then into bed at like 10...).

Thursday was me catching up on all my stuff, plus taking my friend home and what not. It was fairly awful because I had knee and hip pain for the latter half of my day. I was busy catching up, and I started freaking out with everything that I had to do. I actually shed a tear or two... but then I focused in again. I almost fell asleep in my 6th period, too.

Friday was... weird. My Spanish class had a field trip (which I did not go on), and I wore a dress (I had no pants :(). I watched Criminal Minds and half of "The Bucket list" before I finally went to bed because I could feel my eyes closing against my will. So I got up, went to bed... and then couldn't fall asleep.

Then yesterday was fairly nice. I didn't sleep as long as I wanted, and I finally got myself out of bed at 10 so I could eat (lol, that is my motivating factor on the weekends). I worked pretty diligently most of the morning, and actually got myself dressed at a reasonable time. Only because somebody was coming over.

Basically, David and I watched movies for like 6 hours. It was the whole pixar movie weekend on abc family- even though it lied (it showed Ice Age, which isn't pixar). But.... it was nice regardless. I first asked jokingly... and when he said yes, I was pleasantly surprised. It was originally just going to be A Bug's Life (which neither of us have seen in years)... but it turned into watching the shorts that were one before hand, and then Ice Age after. I swear I almost fell asleep on him.

I told him last night to go to bed early, and I feel hypocritical. I've been losing about the same amount of sleep and didn't actually turn off my light until nearly 11. I woke up twice during the night (that I can remember)- once at 3, and the other at 5:22. I got out of bed at 8, and did laundry. And homework.

Now it's almost 5:30, and I haven't accomplished all that I set out to do... but that's OK with me. Everything that's due tomorrow is done.

Lent is coming up. I still debating what I'm going to do on Wednesday... :\. I can wake up obnoxiously early and be late to class (at least, I might be late), or I can forfeit my entire afternoon. Hmmm... well, I still have like two more days to decide.

In your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to
give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the
hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
-- 1 Peter 3:15

I've have a string of conversations about an accident that has stayed longer that it should have. I burned myself last week making food, on a day that wasn't going so well. It was funny because the burn made a faint smiley face. The "eyes" went away before the day was over... but the "mouth" not so much... It's practically gone now, but it's still not GONE.

Anyway- my conversations. I had many about how it was weird that it was still there, how I /should/ treat it and how I hope it's not going to stay there forever.

Then Wednesday (I think) I'm talking to a friend about how I still have the burn on my wrist and she jokes that I'm lying and that it's a cut. I walk away to throw away my lunch, and when I'm back, I say to never joke about that with me. Just that simple sentence reminds her how close I've been, and even recently too. I don't think I'd ever cut myself on such a visible place like that, or even advertise the fact. It scares me to think that I'd ever get that far.

Then another one today- one of my friends fired a mock rude comment at another, and the "victim" pouts and says something. I don't quite hear it all, and I ask for it to be repeated. Then the one who had the comment said to them made like a cutting motion on their wrist. I gently say "Don't ever joke about that. Especially around me."

"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"It's OK." (I'm thinking two things- "I'm glad you don't" and "How could you ever").

So, I dunno... it's just been something I've been thinking about lately. I'm a bit scared, to be perfectly honest. It's like, all my friends can joke about this stuff- and it could be remotely funny. But it's not. One day, I'm afraid it's going to happen for real (and especially to me). Then it's not going to be a joke. Then they'll realize what words can do. I just hope I only have to say those words, and not have the actions to back them up. Not only for me, but for everyone else in the group. I don't know what's going on in their lives, if they're feeling the same way. Sometimes, it's best to take a stand when no one else will.

God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power,
of love, and of self-discipline.
-- 2 Timothy 1:7

Even though I feel like I've been stuck on one subject... it's what makes me day.

He basically did the cutest thing. He's taken to waiting by my first class so that we can talk with each other for a little while. We did that today. As we neared our normal parting spot, he pulled something out of his backpack and gave it to me. I have it in my hands, I look at it and am like "Do you want me to open it now?" and he's like "If you want."

So what do I do? Open it, of course. Two roses made out of chocolate kisses. I have the biggest smile on my face and I hug him. I walk to my next class with a huge grin. I keep that smile for the rest of the day.

It was funny in Spanish because I moved over and sat behind my friend... I started a sentence about why my day was going so well.... and then I stopped. They urged me to go on, and my friend was like "Awwwwwww." Then demanded to know who it was. So yeah... I was happy.

But anyway. Saturday, I took the ACT. It wasn't too bad. Not the hardest thing out there... but not super easy. Then I watched the newest Narnia movie with a friend, and spent the day with her. Yesterday... I had to wear a skirt because I had no clean pants :(. I looked cute, and felt pretty good so that's all that really matters.

My friends wrote on me, too. Made me feel the love.

All in all... good day. I'm happy, and that's what matters.

The Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his
covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him
and keep his commands.
-- Deuteronomy 7:9

For some reason I've been thinking about my little stuffed koala a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because it's a part of me that I finally "revealed" to my friends or what.... but it's not really a secret anyway.

It's a little build a bear that I've had since I was little. I think I can /almost/ remember picking it out and going through the process. I loved it. Then we moved, and it got packed away and I didn't see it for a few years. I brought it with me when I moved again. For the longest time after the move, it would just be the thing that I cuddled when I was crying. It would comfort me and I would feel better.

It soon extended into whenever I was feeling sad. Which... it seemed that it would take forever for me to be like "Ok, I don't need you, I'm happy". A lot of times it would end up on the floor of my bed, or something similar (that's usually when I put it back on my dresser).

Recently, I started just falling asleep with it. It's not a comfort thing (though it is the first thing I reach for when I'm sad), and it's just become normal. I don't bring it with me anywhere, but that's more of a 'no room' issue than anything else.

This memory I can't help but think about. This was a few months ago- shortly after my schedule was changed. I can't really remember what happened on this day. However, I know it was after an exchange between David and I (hmm... maybe THAT'S why). One of my table partners says something along the lines of "If he was an animal, he'd be a koala". At the time, I was like "uuuh...". But now, I think it's fitting.

I honestly think that 'koala' is more of a symbol for me. It's who I can trust. Who I can cuddle with. Who I can go to with my tears. I think I'm about ready for my koala to be a real person, not a childhood toy.

In other news... I've been slacking like crazy. And tomorrow is my half birthday. I get my full license in 16 days (On the 25th). My school's variety show is tomorrow, and I plan on going. Saturday is the ACT, and I'm ready. Some less than stellar things happened over the weekend (aka Sunday), but I'm over it now.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is
in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out
its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its
leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought.
-- Jeremiah 17:7-8

I had the best, most cryptic conversation ever today in English.

I was sitting across from my friend, and I remembered I had some news that I had to tell her. I think we were already on the subject of boys, so I say... "I have something I need to tell you." and then "I think you can guess who it's about."

*inquiring look*

"Guess what I did about two weeks ago..."

"Did you ask... or..?"

"Just told."

*Grin*

"And I think you can guess his response..."

*Bigger Grin*

"But we're not...."

"Why not?"

"Well... I have to talk to Melody."

"Oh, yeah."

But it was so funny how I didn't have to say about half of the words and she still got it.

However, after four days off, and then the weekend... I'm glad to be back in school.

Saturday was awesome, I must say. I met my friends at the pizza place at around 11:30, and actually had most of the people there, too! We settled down, ate and had our lovely nerd conversations. Around 12:30 we headed to my house. Two of my friends directed drivers, and one of my friends followed. We watched the 2nd Lord of the Rings (mostly). In the middle of it, another guy (hey, we just tripled the amount of guys from last time - a whopping total of three). He somehow got lost... and so me, and the two other guys stood outside trying to find him. After I got in, I was freezing (I was outside in socks, and a short sleeved shirt. And it was cold outside). So I get my blanket and curl up next to my friend. She and I were lying on each other, had our arms across the other's shoulders and what not the entire time.

Then the DVD glitched so we ended up just talking (like we weren't before). I got ready in the midst of all the talking. I felt... pretty. By this point, it was about time to head over to dinner. So we did, and somehow, four of us manage to get there at the same time. And I stole a good parking spot. We get inside, and I'm thankful to be wearing tights. We wait as the last two people come in, and just have a lot of fun reading the fortunes out of the cookies and adding 'in bed' to the end... because we're highschoolers and that immature. Some of them were just awful...

Anyway. We get back to my house, and watch Kung Fu Panda. I decide to cuddle up with my koala and watch the movie. Once it ends... we just talk and joke until about 9:30 or 10. I, of course, didn't get to sleep until after 10:30. However, it was well worth spending the day with my friends. I enjoyed every moment.

Yesterday was not so fun because of having to clean up and all the stuff I had to do. But, I made it through and it was not so bad.

I'm happy to be back in school. I liked the days off, but it was certainly needed to get back into the swing of things. I'm ready for tomorrow because I need to talk to my friend. I also want to bridge the concept of dating to David as well... but I guess we'll see how life goes. :)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you,
so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you
are my disciples, if you love one another.
-- John 13:34-35

I have been so bored on my two days off. And we have a two hour delay tomorrow, too. I mean, it's nice not going to school... but I need to see people! I'm going to rejoice and probably hug everyone at least ten times. I don't care how cold it is...

But I hope teachers take it easy, as well. I can feel my mind eroding from disuse so early in the semester.

I also don't want to make these days up at the end of the year.

However, these two days have done wonders for my back. It's either because it's just two more days for it to heal, or because I've actually been nice to it.

If I have another day off (PLEASE DEAR GOD NO) I hope that the roads are nice enough for me to go and see somebody. If not, I'll probably end up editing my NaNo novel (finally).

But alas- it is time for me to go to sleep and hopefully actually go to school tomorrow.

As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
-- Colossians 3:12