I had the best, most cryptic conversation ever today in English.
I was sitting across from my friend, and I remembered I had some news that I had to tell her. I think we were already on the subject of boys, so I say... "I have something I need to tell you." and then "I think you can guess who it's about."
*inquiring look*
"Guess what I did about two weeks ago..."
"Did you ask... or..?"
"Just told."
*Grin*
"And I think you can guess his response..."
*Bigger Grin*
"But we're not...."
"Why not?"
"Well... I have to talk to Melody."
"Oh, yeah."
But it was so funny how I didn't have to say about half of the words and she still got it.
However, after four days off, and then the weekend... I'm glad to be back in school.
Saturday was awesome, I must say. I met my friends at the pizza place at around 11:30, and actually had most of the people there, too! We settled down, ate and had our lovely nerd conversations. Around 12:30 we headed to my house. Two of my friends directed drivers, and one of my friends followed. We watched the 2nd Lord of the Rings (mostly). In the middle of it, another guy (hey, we just tripled the amount of guys from last time - a whopping total of three). He somehow got lost... and so me, and the two other guys stood outside trying to find him. After I got in, I was freezing (I was outside in socks, and a short sleeved shirt. And it was cold outside). So I get my blanket and curl up next to my friend. She and I were lying on each other, had our arms across the other's shoulders and what not the entire time.
Then the DVD glitched so we ended up just talking (like we weren't before). I got ready in the midst of all the talking. I felt... pretty. By this point, it was about time to head over to dinner. So we did, and somehow, four of us manage to get there at the same time. And I stole a good parking spot. We get inside, and I'm thankful to be wearing tights. We wait as the last two people come in, and just have a lot of fun reading the fortunes out of the cookies and adding 'in bed' to the end... because we're highschoolers and that immature. Some of them were just awful...
Anyway. We get back to my house, and watch Kung Fu Panda. I decide to cuddle up with my koala and watch the movie. Once it ends... we just talk and joke until about 9:30 or 10. I, of course, didn't get to sleep until after 10:30. However, it was well worth spending the day with my friends. I enjoyed every moment.
Yesterday was not so fun because of having to clean up and all the stuff I had to do. But, I made it through and it was not so bad.
I'm happy to be back in school. I liked the days off, but it was certainly needed to get back into the swing of things. I'm ready for tomorrow because I need to talk to my friend. I also want to bridge the concept of dating to David as well... but I guess we'll see how life goes. :)
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you,
so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you
are my disciples, if you love one another.
-- John 13:34-35
Monday
Wednesday
I have been so bored on my two days off. And we have a two hour delay tomorrow, too. I mean, it's nice not going to school... but I need to see people! I'm going to rejoice and probably hug everyone at least ten times. I don't care how cold it is...
But I hope teachers take it easy, as well. I can feel my mind eroding from disuse so early in the semester.
I also don't want to make these days up at the end of the year.
However, these two days have done wonders for my back. It's either because it's just two more days for it to heal, or because I've actually been nice to it.
If I have another day off (PLEASE DEAR GOD NO) I hope that the roads are nice enough for me to go and see somebody. If not, I'll probably end up editing my NaNo novel (finally).
But alas- it is time for me to go to sleep and hopefully actually go to school tomorrow.
As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
-- Colossians 3:12
But I hope teachers take it easy, as well. I can feel my mind eroding from disuse so early in the semester.
I also don't want to make these days up at the end of the year.
However, these two days have done wonders for my back. It's either because it's just two more days for it to heal, or because I've actually been nice to it.
If I have another day off (PLEASE DEAR GOD NO) I hope that the roads are nice enough for me to go and see somebody. If not, I'll probably end up editing my NaNo novel (finally).
But alas- it is time for me to go to sleep and hopefully actually go to school tomorrow.
As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
-- Colossians 3:12
Sunday
I read things like postsecret and sixbillionsecrets.... and sometimes I wonder if I know any of these people. I used to be able to relate to a lot of them. For once... I'm proud that I don't. However, I still read them because it makes me realize my secrets. My life is an open book, I can be asked any question and I'll answer (most of the time). It's just about asking the right questions.
Sometimes I think about submitting secrets, but then I realize I have no idea how to word them.
Most of my secrets are my fears.
I'm afraid that one day I won't have anything to live for.
I'm afraid that this relationship (or the possible future one) is going to end like my last one. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose another great guy.
Sometimes I wear my "To Write Love On Her Arms" t-shirt as a sign.
I'm amazed that my creative writing teacher doesn't think I'm insane for all the depressing journals I write.
I don't tell my sister anything because I'm afraid she's going to judge me too much.
It's easier for me to talk to my sister's boyfriend because we're much more alike- and I truly believe he knows where I'm coming from. I honestly believe his words when he says he just wants me to try my hardest and do my best. Whereas I think my sister wants me to aim for perfection.
I don't want to be perfect. Perfect is boring. I want to be flawed. I want something interesting about me. Maybe then I'll feel alive.
I miss choir.
I'm afraid of turning out like my sister.
The future scares me.
The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he
does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full
of his unfailing love.
-- Psalm 33:4-5
Sometimes I think about submitting secrets, but then I realize I have no idea how to word them.
Most of my secrets are my fears.
I'm afraid that one day I won't have anything to live for.
I'm afraid that this relationship (or the possible future one) is going to end like my last one. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose another great guy.
Sometimes I wear my "To Write Love On Her Arms" t-shirt as a sign.
I'm amazed that my creative writing teacher doesn't think I'm insane for all the depressing journals I write.
I don't tell my sister anything because I'm afraid she's going to judge me too much.
It's easier for me to talk to my sister's boyfriend because we're much more alike- and I truly believe he knows where I'm coming from. I honestly believe his words when he says he just wants me to try my hardest and do my best. Whereas I think my sister wants me to aim for perfection.
I don't want to be perfect. Perfect is boring. I want to be flawed. I want something interesting about me. Maybe then I'll feel alive.
I miss choir.
I'm afraid of turning out like my sister.
The future scares me.
The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he
does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full
of his unfailing love.
-- Psalm 33:4-5
Friday
I feel awesome today. Well, at least for the latter half of my day. I'm also pretty proud of myself...
Well, lets start with last night. Last night I basically went to sleep crying. (Stupid fight with my sister, not getting into that). And I just felt awful. I woke up, not really wanting to go to school, but I decided I should go and get through it. The morning was OK. I was better than last night, but only just. I was super tired and out of it.
The day went on, and I got a little better. Nothing amazing happened to raise my mood... until 2nd period (sorta). I resolved to do something that I've been meaning to do for awhile. So, I debated on it, realizing that maybe it wasn't such a good idea...
Then lunch came around and at that point, I knew I had too. But, it was SO not the right time.
I was hoping I didn't lose my chance... when the end of school came and I was sitting with my friends outside. I saw David coming and I rejoiced a bit. Chatted with everybody for awhile, and then David said he had to leave.
That was basically my cue. I left with him and said that I needed to tell him something. It was me rambling for a few awkward seconds about how I shouldn't be telling him this, and that I felt awkward, and somewhat awful. Then I just came out with it. Just in a low, sorta mumbled sentence.
Once I said that... I explained that one of our good friends liked him too.
And then comes the shocker (to me, at least).
(paraphrased) "Well, I like Melody, but I think that we're just too good of friends that it'd be sort of... awkward, you know?"... pause.... "But I like you, too... as more than a friend" ('cause I used that exact same phrase when telling him).
At that point I'm like "... really?" And we kinda went on about how this was a first for both of us and how it'll probably be awkward on Monday...
And so we exchanged phone numbers, and decided that we would think about where to go from there. (The answer is obvious; date. But I think it's a little more complicated than that). And, this is the part I keep replaying in my mind. So, we're at his car and I give him a goodbye hug. I have to stand on tip toes normally to give him a proper hug anyway... But this one took it to the extreme. I was on the veeeeery tips of my toes, on the brink of not even touching the ground anymore. But, standing like that with his arms holding me so tight... it just made everything go away.
So now... we wait. We figure this out. We (mostly me) have to figure out how to tell Melody... I still have a nagging feeling of awful, because I basically went completely against what we decided.
But... it makes me ecstatic! I sort of had an inkling of this for awhile now... and I kept trying to push it back, and deny it a bit. However... today proved to me why I shouldn't do that.
Basically, ever since about... 2:40-ish, I've been in an amazing mood. And it's like 6 hours later.
I guess life ISN'T so bad...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is
unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
-- Psalm 130:7
Well, lets start with last night. Last night I basically went to sleep crying. (Stupid fight with my sister, not getting into that). And I just felt awful. I woke up, not really wanting to go to school, but I decided I should go and get through it. The morning was OK. I was better than last night, but only just. I was super tired and out of it.
The day went on, and I got a little better. Nothing amazing happened to raise my mood... until 2nd period (sorta). I resolved to do something that I've been meaning to do for awhile. So, I debated on it, realizing that maybe it wasn't such a good idea...
Then lunch came around and at that point, I knew I had too. But, it was SO not the right time.
I was hoping I didn't lose my chance... when the end of school came and I was sitting with my friends outside. I saw David coming and I rejoiced a bit. Chatted with everybody for awhile, and then David said he had to leave.
That was basically my cue. I left with him and said that I needed to tell him something. It was me rambling for a few awkward seconds about how I shouldn't be telling him this, and that I felt awkward, and somewhat awful. Then I just came out with it. Just in a low, sorta mumbled sentence.
Once I said that... I explained that one of our good friends liked him too.
And then comes the shocker (to me, at least).
(paraphrased) "Well, I like Melody, but I think that we're just too good of friends that it'd be sort of... awkward, you know?"... pause.... "But I like you, too... as more than a friend" ('cause I used that exact same phrase when telling him).
At that point I'm like "... really?" And we kinda went on about how this was a first for both of us and how it'll probably be awkward on Monday...
And so we exchanged phone numbers, and decided that we would think about where to go from there. (The answer is obvious; date. But I think it's a little more complicated than that). And, this is the part I keep replaying in my mind. So, we're at his car and I give him a goodbye hug. I have to stand on tip toes normally to give him a proper hug anyway... But this one took it to the extreme. I was on the veeeeery tips of my toes, on the brink of not even touching the ground anymore. But, standing like that with his arms holding me so tight... it just made everything go away.
So now... we wait. We figure this out. We (mostly me) have to figure out how to tell Melody... I still have a nagging feeling of awful, because I basically went completely against what we decided.
But... it makes me ecstatic! I sort of had an inkling of this for awhile now... and I kept trying to push it back, and deny it a bit. However... today proved to me why I shouldn't do that.
Basically, ever since about... 2:40-ish, I've been in an amazing mood. And it's like 6 hours later.
I guess life ISN'T so bad...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is
unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
-- Psalm 130:7
Monday
I'm hurting.
I thought I could do this... but... it's just not happening. I thought I made the right choice... but I didn't. I can't believe that I just let something like this go. I gave myself a month. At this rate... my heart is going to be stomped into pieces long before then.
It's a stupid thing. I decided this on my own... and I should stick by it. But it's so effin' hard. It's life... but I'm regretting it. I just can't handle it. I'm about ready to suck up all my guts and just say it. But I'm bound by a promise.
This stuff gets worse the more I'm around the problem. I hole it up inside and tell but a few people. Except for the ones that matter most.
Anyhow, tomorrow marks two years since one of the best times of my life started. It's so scary to think that TWO YEARS has gone by. I don't know how time went on so fast... Remembering that time also makes me feel pathetic. Since then... love has faded in and out of my life. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'm going to feel like that once again.
Sure, I've had glimmers of it... but they always fly away. (And for some reason a resonating imagine of a dove flying is in my head).
Standing tall... it gets harder and harder. Some days are worse than others.
But, I have to advertise this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4HpwkJZTSc
I absolutely adore that song right now. I've been listening to it constantly. It's so... sweet and perfect.
As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind
has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
-- 1 Corinthians 2:9
I thought I could do this... but... it's just not happening. I thought I made the right choice... but I didn't. I can't believe that I just let something like this go. I gave myself a month. At this rate... my heart is going to be stomped into pieces long before then.
It's a stupid thing. I decided this on my own... and I should stick by it. But it's so effin' hard. It's life... but I'm regretting it. I just can't handle it. I'm about ready to suck up all my guts and just say it. But I'm bound by a promise.
This stuff gets worse the more I'm around the problem. I hole it up inside and tell but a few people. Except for the ones that matter most.
Anyhow, tomorrow marks two years since one of the best times of my life started. It's so scary to think that TWO YEARS has gone by. I don't know how time went on so fast... Remembering that time also makes me feel pathetic. Since then... love has faded in and out of my life. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'm going to feel like that once again.
Sure, I've had glimmers of it... but they always fly away. (And for some reason a resonating imagine of a dove flying is in my head).
Standing tall... it gets harder and harder. Some days are worse than others.
But, I have to advertise this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4HpwkJZTSc
I absolutely adore that song right now. I've been listening to it constantly. It's so... sweet and perfect.
As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind
has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
-- 1 Corinthians 2:9
Saturday
I'm not sure if I can even describe the last week. It's been pretty crazy.
Monday I went to church choir practice, and Tuesday I recorded a song with them (in a professional studio) and worked on a chem project. What made me really happy at the studio was that one of the guys there sounded exactly like one of the guys in Criminal Minds.
Wednesday school started again, and I was happy to see everyone. Then I finally decided that I needed to do something. I told my friend that I liked the same guy she did. It turned into an awkward and fairly... long conversation where we didn't really resolve anything. So, we decided to speak to each other in person on Thursday. Which we did, during lunch. I basically gave up my heart, and allowed her to go after him. Once I got home, I was wondering if I did the right thing. Also, work frustrated me to no end. I won't go into that, but lets just say I'm on the hunt for a new job.
Then yesterday. I was in a pretty quiet mood. I was tired and still a bit heart broken. There were some bright points, sure. But for the most part I wasn't very happy. I'm sure most of my friends saw it as a 'end of the first week' kinda thing. But, I can't really bring myself to tell them otherwise.
Today? Today I am happy. I feel like I'm OK. I mean, still not 100% but life goes on. I can deal with this. But, today I also go job hunting. I'm ready. I'm applying to everything I can. I'm fairly excited. I can't wait to actually quit my job. Then I can move onto something else.
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
-- Psalm 14:1
Monday I went to church choir practice, and Tuesday I recorded a song with them (in a professional studio) and worked on a chem project. What made me really happy at the studio was that one of the guys there sounded exactly like one of the guys in Criminal Minds.
Wednesday school started again, and I was happy to see everyone. Then I finally decided that I needed to do something. I told my friend that I liked the same guy she did. It turned into an awkward and fairly... long conversation where we didn't really resolve anything. So, we decided to speak to each other in person on Thursday. Which we did, during lunch. I basically gave up my heart, and allowed her to go after him. Once I got home, I was wondering if I did the right thing. Also, work frustrated me to no end. I won't go into that, but lets just say I'm on the hunt for a new job.
Then yesterday. I was in a pretty quiet mood. I was tired and still a bit heart broken. There were some bright points, sure. But for the most part I wasn't very happy. I'm sure most of my friends saw it as a 'end of the first week' kinda thing. But, I can't really bring myself to tell them otherwise.
Today? Today I am happy. I feel like I'm OK. I mean, still not 100% but life goes on. I can deal with this. But, today I also go job hunting. I'm ready. I'm applying to everything I can. I'm fairly excited. I can't wait to actually quit my job. Then I can move onto something else.
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
-- Psalm 14:1
Friday
Well, this new years post is coming a lot earlier than usual. I have work, and I need to start getting ready in... about an hour. Less than, really.
A lot of people seem to not regret this past year... and for once I sort of do. I don't regret the whole year, don't get me wrong. I just regret some things I did. Like... leaving that one person when they were so clearly not good, not telling my crush I liked him when I had more than enough chances, and all the lying I've done.
I guess, for the most part I do feel content with how the year went. I accomplished many things. Compared to last year, this year has been a whirlwind. I... I can remember what I was doing last new years eve. I was at my parent's house, late night on the computer. I was talking to people as they celebrated the new year... and then said goodbye until there was only one.
He and I have had something... complicated. But, at the time there wasn't anything complicated about it. Virtually... we shared a midnight kiss...
Now? I don't even talk to him any more. It's sad, but I guess that's how life goes.
I just need to learn from what happened... and make this year better. In the end, this wasn't a bad year.
I wish all of you a good New Years!
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or
hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all
these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
-- Romans 8:35-37
A lot of people seem to not regret this past year... and for once I sort of do. I don't regret the whole year, don't get me wrong. I just regret some things I did. Like... leaving that one person when they were so clearly not good, not telling my crush I liked him when I had more than enough chances, and all the lying I've done.
I guess, for the most part I do feel content with how the year went. I accomplished many things. Compared to last year, this year has been a whirlwind. I... I can remember what I was doing last new years eve. I was at my parent's house, late night on the computer. I was talking to people as they celebrated the new year... and then said goodbye until there was only one.
He and I have had something... complicated. But, at the time there wasn't anything complicated about it. Virtually... we shared a midnight kiss...
Now? I don't even talk to him any more. It's sad, but I guess that's how life goes.
I just need to learn from what happened... and make this year better. In the end, this wasn't a bad year.
I wish all of you a good New Years!
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or
hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all
these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
-- Romans 8:35-37
Wednesday
Eeeeeeffffffffffff............
Yes. That was necessary.
One of my best friends (also known as practically my lover)likes the same guy I do. What do I do?!
Honestly, I'm happy for her, because this is basically the first guy she's ever liked. I think they'd make a cute couple, and they already have such a perfect relationship. Personally? I think she should go for it. If her heart is into it... she should do it.
Plus, she doesn't know I like him either. She's just about the only one I haven't told, and the only one that hasn't surmised. They... they should be together. I mean, what can I really do? They're both my friends and I'm going to stand by both of them. I'm not sure how else to come at this.
BUT I CAN'T KEEP THIS TO MYSELF. I feel so bad for thinking that, but it's true. I'm going to try my hardest not to think about it too much but... ugh. Right now, that's the only thing running through my mind.
*sigh* Ok. I can do this...
We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so,
because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one
of you has for each other is increasing.
-- 2 Thessalonians 1:3
Yes. That was necessary.
One of my best friends (also known as practically my lover)likes the same guy I do. What do I do?!
Honestly, I'm happy for her, because this is basically the first guy she's ever liked. I think they'd make a cute couple, and they already have such a perfect relationship. Personally? I think she should go for it. If her heart is into it... she should do it.
Plus, she doesn't know I like him either. She's just about the only one I haven't told, and the only one that hasn't surmised. They... they should be together. I mean, what can I really do? They're both my friends and I'm going to stand by both of them. I'm not sure how else to come at this.
BUT I CAN'T KEEP THIS TO MYSELF. I feel so bad for thinking that, but it's true. I'm going to try my hardest not to think about it too much but... ugh. Right now, that's the only thing running through my mind.
*sigh* Ok. I can do this...
We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so,
because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one
of you has for each other is increasing.
-- 2 Thessalonians 1:3
Monday
Soo... I've rediscovered how fun it is to color.
In the sophistic way, of course. I've been using my image editing program to color in some pictures. And they take a LONG time.
So far, I like that one the most. I personally love how Belle looks... but that's just me.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your
soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest
commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as
yourself.
-- Matthew 22:37-39
In the sophistic way, of course. I've been using my image editing program to color in some pictures. And they take a LONG time.
So far, I like that one the most. I personally love how Belle looks... but that's just me.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your
soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest
commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as
yourself.
-- Matthew 22:37-39
Wednesday
Now that NaNo is not eating my soul (50,038 words this year) maybe I have some time to reflect...
November... what a crazy month.
Started a job. (That sucks butt, by the way)
Celebrated a birthday.
Thanksgiving.
Wrote a novel.
A slip in my grades. (But they're back up now- I have 5 A's and 2 B's- with my lowest grade being an 83, and the other easily able to be pulled up).
It's... pretty awesome. I feel like this month went by fast.
Thanksgiving... was OK. I mean, I worked on Thanksgiving day and cried a lot.
But I saw my niece, so that made it more worthwhile.
I dunno. I'm feeling spacey. I'll call it quits for right now.
Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives
of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.
-- Psalm 97:10
November... what a crazy month.
Started a job. (That sucks butt, by the way)
Celebrated a birthday.
Thanksgiving.
Wrote a novel.
A slip in my grades. (But they're back up now- I have 5 A's and 2 B's- with my lowest grade being an 83, and the other easily able to be pulled up).
It's... pretty awesome. I feel like this month went by fast.
Thanksgiving... was OK. I mean, I worked on Thanksgiving day and cried a lot.
But I saw my niece, so that made it more worthwhile.
I dunno. I'm feeling spacey. I'll call it quits for right now.
Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives
of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.
-- Psalm 97:10
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