I wouldn't be surprised if, in the future, I'd need therapy for abandonment issues or something. I sure feel like it'd be great to have a therapist now for that reason. I know it's never intentional... but.. :\ still. No one can do anything without me analyzing it and coming to a conclusion. It just happens. That's me.
But yes, I do feel lonely right now. One of my best friends just got a new boyfriend. I actually know the boyfriend this time. I know she probably really like him, but the fact that she's not talking to me kinda makes me sad. This happened before, too. I guess I should get used to it. Even if I don't want to.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I like being alone. But there are times when I feel like everyone's just too busy with everyone else in their lives. I get that. Sometimes I feel like I neglect some of my friends from time to time, too. I'm willing to admit that. I know I do it. I try not to, but it happens.
I seriously wonder if I put up that much of a front. Do my friends really not realize when I'm hiding something that really bothers me? Am I that good at hiding it? I hope not.
I remember a bumper sticker on facebook that says something like... "I want a person that when I say I'm Ok, they say, 'Tell me the truth'" Or something like that. I think... I want that too. Maybe I'd be startled and put up my guard more, or maybe I'd give in. I will only know when it happens.
Too bad it probably never will. No one is ever that interested in my life. Yes, it's boring, but I need someone to care. I guess... I'm just sorta afraid of being lost in the background
It's happened before, I think. I tend to be a wallflower. I know I have been, and I know I will be. I'm not one to stand out in a crowd. But, I don't want to completely blend in. I don't want to become transparent, and have people forget about me.
I don't think I've ever realized how afraid I am of being left completely alone. With no one. I've felt being helpless and alone before. Some long stretches, some short spurts. Every time, I've just felt rock bottom. I hate it.
Sad thing is, I pick up signs when people are too busy with others. I pick them up quickly, and I know before the other person knows. Like with my friend that got a new boyfriend? It only took like, two minutes into the convo before I knew she was caught up in something more. I remembered this behavior. Then another friend, it took me accusing her of not liking me to see what she's done. She'd be online, but never talk to me, but she's talk to another friend. It took two friends getting to know each other more and more that made me feel slightly left out.
It's a history. I over analyze, and things always turn out bad. I can't help it. I over think because I have nothing better to do. It's sad really.
Wednesday
Tuesday
I've been researching. (Yes, I am a dork that way). More specifically, I've been researching contacts. I want contacts. I'm sorta trying to change my general appearance a little bit. (I'm going to get a haircut soon... depends on how my hair grows...)
I kinda wanna get contacts. I'm pretty sure this is the thing I want to do. I just have to sort everything out. First off: Why?: Weeellll, performances (choir, and maybe drama) will be easier. I do not have the glare of my glasses, nor am I going to be tempted to re-adjust them. (And well, not touching your face is a big deal in choir). I won't be bothered by smudges right in my field of vision. I will have peripheral vision. (Something I haven't had the joy of in a long time). I'll look older. (And considering how short I am... Plus, it reflects that I'm a little more mature... or at least, that's what I think). I have pretty eyes! (I, and many others, think this).
(I'm thinking about getting this certain kind of contact lens- Gas Permeable [GP for short]... mostly because that's the one I have the most info on...)
Pros: GP lenses are long lasting, and durable. These lenses have a chance of slowing down near-sightedness. (Which is what I am). They have clearer vision than soft contacts. They allow much more oxygen to pass through than the soft/gel/whatever contacts.
Cons: The GP lenses have a few weeks as an adjustment time. (However, if I get them this summer, I can adjust before schools starts). Contacts in general can be expensive, but if you shop the right brands, it could be no more than a pair of glasses! The care regimen- I MUST be very strict in following it. (I think I can handle it, though). They can tear (well, the soft ones are more likely to).
Sooooo.... what to do?
I kinda wanna get contacts. I'm pretty sure this is the thing I want to do. I just have to sort everything out. First off: Why?: Weeellll, performances (choir, and maybe drama) will be easier. I do not have the glare of my glasses, nor am I going to be tempted to re-adjust them. (And well, not touching your face is a big deal in choir). I won't be bothered by smudges right in my field of vision. I will have peripheral vision. (Something I haven't had the joy of in a long time). I'll look older. (And considering how short I am... Plus, it reflects that I'm a little more mature... or at least, that's what I think). I have pretty eyes! (I, and many others, think this).
(I'm thinking about getting this certain kind of contact lens- Gas Permeable [GP for short]... mostly because that's the one I have the most info on...)
Pros: GP lenses are long lasting, and durable. These lenses have a chance of slowing down near-sightedness. (Which is what I am). They have clearer vision than soft contacts. They allow much more oxygen to pass through than the soft/gel/whatever contacts.
Cons: The GP lenses have a few weeks as an adjustment time. (However, if I get them this summer, I can adjust before schools starts). Contacts in general can be expensive, but if you shop the right brands, it could be no more than a pair of glasses! The care regimen- I MUST be very strict in following it. (I think I can handle it, though). They can tear (well, the soft ones are more likely to).
Sooooo.... what to do?
Sunday
*stretch* Mmm.... Enjoying a Sunday off. I'm really tired, and should be taking a nap because I slept next to nothing last night. No, seriously. I went to bed around like, 10:45, but couldn't fall asleep. So, I got up, used the bathroom and got water. Go back to bed. Tossed and turned, probably fell asleep for a little while... was up at like, 3AM. Probably went and got some more water... probably slept a little. 6/7/8 AM, up again! Then I just drifted in and out before I just gave up and had breakfast at 9:30.
But, anyway, last night I was thinking about how my sister always has these "crushes" on people in my school/performances...
It all started in Elementary school. It was some band/choir performance (once I was in 4th grade, I did both for three years...) This particular incident happened in 6th grade. My sister came to see my performance and was talking on about how the guy who sits behind me (-_- the guy I kinda liked at the time, too) was cute or something. (Either that or how we would look good together). However, it's only when she gets a new crush that she brings him up again.
Then there was 8th grade. Graduation, to be exact. Since it was the last time I'd ever see like, any of those people again, I was taking pictures with some of them. I decided (stupidly) to take a picture with this one guy that was kinda mean to me this year. (He's a total ego-maniac, I'm telling you!). But, I took a picture with him because... well... he was kinda sweet if you got to know him (when he's AWAY from his friends). And so like, everyone (ok, fine, my sister and my cousin... and a few friends...) thinks he's like... 'hot' or whatever. :\ yeah.. uh.... suuuureeee..... (>< ok, fine I admit it! I think he is kinda cute.)
Then, the most recent one. It was at my drama performance only a few weeks ago. (It was May 29th, I believe). We were driving home and she I'm not really sure what she said. Something along the lines of hinting he was cute/liking him/I should go out with him/we would look cute together/whatever. I was all, "He's 10." (But hey, for ten... I feel like a pedo- but he is kinda cute). And she goes, "Oh... he's too young." Gee. Really? :P :P :P
But yeah... those are the ones that I can think of. (I'm sure you've noticed that my sister always picks out the guys that I like/think is/are (whatever is gramatically correct) cute.)
But, anyway, last night I was thinking about how my sister always has these "crushes" on people in my school/performances...
It all started in Elementary school. It was some band/choir performance (once I was in 4th grade, I did both for three years...) This particular incident happened in 6th grade. My sister came to see my performance and was talking on about how the guy who sits behind me (-_- the guy I kinda liked at the time, too) was cute or something. (Either that or how we would look good together). However, it's only when she gets a new crush that she brings him up again.
Then there was 8th grade. Graduation, to be exact. Since it was the last time I'd ever see like, any of those people again, I was taking pictures with some of them. I decided (stupidly) to take a picture with this one guy that was kinda mean to me this year. (He's a total ego-maniac, I'm telling you!). But, I took a picture with him because... well... he was kinda sweet if you got to know him (when he's AWAY from his friends). And so like, everyone (ok, fine, my sister and my cousin... and a few friends...) thinks he's like... 'hot' or whatever. :\ yeah.. uh.... suuuureeee..... (>< ok, fine I admit it! I think he is kinda cute.)
Then, the most recent one. It was at my drama performance only a few weeks ago. (It was May 29th, I believe). We were driving home and she I'm not really sure what she said. Something along the lines of hinting he was cute/liking him/I should go out with him/we would look cute together/whatever. I was all, "He's 10." (But hey, for ten... I feel like a pedo- but he is kinda cute). And she goes, "Oh... he's too young." Gee. Really? :P :P :P
But yeah... those are the ones that I can think of. (I'm sure you've noticed that my sister always picks out the guys that I like/think is/are (whatever is gramatically correct) cute.)
Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I'm just so frustrated. *sigh* My friend is so rude, and mean and just ugh. I seriously hate the way she acts. She acts like she's the princess and everyone should care about her problems. I seriously think she thinks I'm stupid.
She always repeats herself, and we always have the same arguments over and over. It doesn't matter what I say, she lives in her own world.
*siiiiigh*
And I think my other friend like, hates me. She NEVER talks to me. She is ALWAYS busy. I think the last time I saw her was EASTER! I know she's free because she hangs out with my other friend! alksjfda;jksf akl;dfj
*sigh*
I'm just so frustrated. *sigh* My friend is so rude, and mean and just ugh. I seriously hate the way she acts. She acts like she's the princess and everyone should care about her problems. I seriously think she thinks I'm stupid.
She always repeats herself, and we always have the same arguments over and over. It doesn't matter what I say, she lives in her own world.
*siiiiigh*
And I think my other friend like, hates me. She NEVER talks to me. She is ALWAYS busy. I think the last time I saw her was EASTER! I know she's free because she hangs out with my other friend! alksjfda;jksf akl;dfj
*sigh*
Thursday
Had some interesting dreams last night...
Well... I can remember two.
The first one: I apparently ran away from home. I think I just got really frustrated with my sister (which... isn't really surprising). And one day while she was gone I just left. I think I ran away to a park... but I remember there were tables with bright red parallelograms. I also remember doing a puzzle and being frustrated with that. Then my sister calls the place I'm at (which... somehow seemed to turn into an office-type room).... And then.... I think I go home. (er.. walk home I think). And then my sister and I argue again.... I think.
Heh... yeah. It was a weird dream....
Second one: I think I'm on the campus of my school. There's some trees and it's somewhat grassy. Anyway... I'm there with my boyfriend and various people. And... we're talking, and I vaguely remember someone asking if we were still going out. Both of us are silent a moment... but before either of us answer... someone asks him if he still loved me/something along those lines... and he was like... "No" and some other things. I wasn't at all too surprised and took the chance to kinda sorta... break up with him. (Which is something I need to do in real life. :\)
But yeah... two very odd dreams that I only vaguely remember. Heh.....
Well... I can remember two.
The first one: I apparently ran away from home. I think I just got really frustrated with my sister (which... isn't really surprising). And one day while she was gone I just left. I think I ran away to a park... but I remember there were tables with bright red parallelograms. I also remember doing a puzzle and being frustrated with that. Then my sister calls the place I'm at (which... somehow seemed to turn into an office-type room).... And then.... I think I go home. (er.. walk home I think). And then my sister and I argue again.... I think.
Heh... yeah. It was a weird dream....
Second one: I think I'm on the campus of my school. There's some trees and it's somewhat grassy. Anyway... I'm there with my boyfriend and various people. And... we're talking, and I vaguely remember someone asking if we were still going out. Both of us are silent a moment... but before either of us answer... someone asks him if he still loved me/something along those lines... and he was like... "No" and some other things. I wasn't at all too surprised and took the chance to kinda sorta... break up with him. (Which is something I need to do in real life. :\)
But yeah... two very odd dreams that I only vaguely remember. Heh.....
Tuesday
Some poetry to express how I'm feeling right now...
Barely one blow
Before being struck again
Attacked on every side
By everyone
My pitiful shield
Of no use anymore
The impending doom
Rising overhead
It's hopeless
There's nothing left
Except
Kneel and pray
Hold off on seeking
Knowledge
It will come
In due time
Life and love
Are fleeting away
And laughter is hard
To coax out
One shocking blow
Causing repercussions
Sending waves all around
Grant me one saving Grace
I will treasure it
Forever.
Barely one blow
Before being struck again
Attacked on every side
By everyone
My pitiful shield
Of no use anymore
The impending doom
Rising overhead
It's hopeless
There's nothing left
Except
Kneel and pray
Hold off on seeking
Knowledge
It will come
In due time
Life and love
Are fleeting away
And laughter is hard
To coax out
One shocking blow
Causing repercussions
Sending waves all around
Grant me one saving Grace
I will treasure it
Forever.
Monday
I am so close to crying again. I hate reality. It's horrible. I just want to go run away and be a little kid again. Back to when my concern was what toys I was going to play with. If I wanted to play dress-up or hopscotch with the neighbors. D:
Some less than stellar happenings between my friend and her boyfriend. I think I'm the only one that's taken, but I dunno. I shouldn't be. I... I don't really like him. And I guess... I haven't for awhile. Did I ever love him? No. Did I ever like him? Yes. But it wasn't strong.
I feel like a jerk. I've been leading him on. I... I've done what I never wanted to do. I'm someone that... I never thought I could be.
The cure for all of this is to not focus any of my time on guys this summer. (Well... only if they're friends). I will not pursue ANY new relationship with a guy. (Again, unless it's a friendship). Because I think at this point, all I need are friends. People who will stand by me. At least right now.
Am I ready for a boyfriend? I'd say no. Sure, it'd be nice to have one (erm...). But I'm just not ready. I'm the type that likes to go and have fun. Settling down and being serious only happens when... I have to (school) or when something is wrong. It's just not me.
I'm immature and mature. And... I guess that's just how teenagers are. Or at least, most.
And... I guess that's my epiphany tonight.
Some less than stellar happenings between my friend and her boyfriend. I think I'm the only one that's taken, but I dunno. I shouldn't be. I... I don't really like him. And I guess... I haven't for awhile. Did I ever love him? No. Did I ever like him? Yes. But it wasn't strong.
I feel like a jerk. I've been leading him on. I... I've done what I never wanted to do. I'm someone that... I never thought I could be.
The cure for all of this is to not focus any of my time on guys this summer. (Well... only if they're friends). I will not pursue ANY new relationship with a guy. (Again, unless it's a friendship). Because I think at this point, all I need are friends. People who will stand by me. At least right now.
Am I ready for a boyfriend? I'd say no. Sure, it'd be nice to have one (erm...). But I'm just not ready. I'm the type that likes to go and have fun. Settling down and being serious only happens when... I have to (school) or when something is wrong. It's just not me.
I'm immature and mature. And... I guess that's just how teenagers are. Or at least, most.
And... I guess that's my epiphany tonight.
Friday
Hm... I think I have a little bit to catch up on. First off... I am officially done with my freshman year.
Hmmm.....
I recently had a talk with a friend that made me think about times that I really don't like to think about. But they were brought with full force. I can deal with normal occurrences that happen every once in awhile. But this one was an ultimate no-no.
I was seriously about to cry. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. In order for me to be able to focus on my studying, I began to text Michael. Now, here's the thing about Michael; he is one of the sweetest guys ever. I know now that if I am about to break down and lose it, he is the perfect guy to go to that will help glue it back together.
So I text him, and soon my sadness is quelled and I'm laughing on the inside. I felt like I could... deal so that certainly brightened my day.
The next morning, he sends me something that just made me smile whenever I thought of it. I'm actually smiling now because of it. And, at school that morning, it brought smiles to some of my other friends, too.
*ahem* but yeah... I'm totally starting to over analyze. (but yeah... I'm starting to fall for him a bit.. *blush*)
Oh, and I'm STILL thinking about a comment that someone said to me like... over a week ago? (Or maybe it was on Monday... ehh).
I just can't accept the fact that people think that I am skinny/have a figure. Like, yes, I do accept that I have curves (I actually like 'em!) but the fact that I'm overweight.... just doesn't work well. So... we'll see.
Oh... I am SUCH a science nerd. I studied my butt off for my final and got a 92. Lolz. Isn't that amazing? I was one of two people to get an 'A' in my class. (yes... I am gloating slightly)
As of tomorrow... I start my quest on becoming skinnier... or maybe more toned? It's just something that I want to see if it's possible. I could do it with dedication... so we'll see.
I really want to get to the eye doctors ASAP. I'm sick of having these glasses and glasses in general. Eh... not gonna happen.
Hmmm.....
I recently had a talk with a friend that made me think about times that I really don't like to think about. But they were brought with full force. I can deal with normal occurrences that happen every once in awhile. But this one was an ultimate no-no.
I was seriously about to cry. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. In order for me to be able to focus on my studying, I began to text Michael. Now, here's the thing about Michael; he is one of the sweetest guys ever. I know now that if I am about to break down and lose it, he is the perfect guy to go to that will help glue it back together.
So I text him, and soon my sadness is quelled and I'm laughing on the inside. I felt like I could... deal so that certainly brightened my day.
The next morning, he sends me something that just made me smile whenever I thought of it. I'm actually smiling now because of it. And, at school that morning, it brought smiles to some of my other friends, too.
*ahem* but yeah... I'm totally starting to over analyze. (but yeah... I'm starting to fall for him a bit.. *blush*)
Oh, and I'm STILL thinking about a comment that someone said to me like... over a week ago? (Or maybe it was on Monday... ehh).
I just can't accept the fact that people think that I am skinny/have a figure. Like, yes, I do accept that I have curves (I actually like 'em!) but the fact that I'm overweight.... just doesn't work well. So... we'll see.
Oh... I am SUCH a science nerd. I studied my butt off for my final and got a 92. Lolz. Isn't that amazing? I was one of two people to get an 'A' in my class. (yes... I am gloating slightly)
As of tomorrow... I start my quest on becoming skinnier... or maybe more toned? It's just something that I want to see if it's possible. I could do it with dedication... so we'll see.
I really want to get to the eye doctors ASAP. I'm sick of having these glasses and glasses in general. Eh... not gonna happen.
Thursday
Drama Llama had a baby, and it's Awkward Turtle.
Today was swing dancing in choir... again. Not very surprised. Learned... two new moves today. Pretty exciting.
I was paired with my choir director again. Not that bad, except I'm a horrible dancer. But, oh well. So it goes.
This one move it a REALLY awkward one. He calls it the "cradle"... maybe you can picture how that goes. The girl's back is to the guy's front... and it's kinda like a hug. Except both hands are being held. (Horrible explanation... I might find a pic...)
So, obviously I was with the director to demonstrate, and a little practice afterwords... but then I had to go and dance with the only other male in the class... Idk why, though. But we both had two opposite rhythms, and I felt he was just a smiiiiidge too close. So... yeah awkward.
And then, on the bus ride home, I thought I smelled faintly like my choir director. D: awwwwkwwwaarrrrddddd.
*ahem* Anywayyy...
The bus ride home today was kinda interesting. First, did a route that we don't normally take, and came across a crash/wreck. Hmm... took about a half hour to get home.
Sub in English... which meant that I didn't really have to do work. Which was pretty fun. Even though I actually did do a bit of work.
Pulled off an amazing feat in Health, though. It was fruit day, and of course, hardly anyone ever remembers. I had two fruits, gave some strawberries to Kayla, and half and orange to Matt... Michael takes some grapes from Robert (his friend... an acquaintance for me)and uses the bag from me from my orange. Passes it for him, and then somehow throws it to Bri for her to pass... Haha. Everyone made it.
OH, and my friend had to go to the nurse because she thought she was having a mild allergic reaction to the almonds she was eating.... guess where I spent about half my lunch period? But hey, I got free almonds! (Ok, that was mean). But her mom came with some medicine and she felt better. It was a little freaky, but it all worked out.
And that's the story of Drama Llama and Awkward Turtle in my life today.
Today was swing dancing in choir... again. Not very surprised. Learned... two new moves today. Pretty exciting.
I was paired with my choir director again. Not that bad, except I'm a horrible dancer. But, oh well. So it goes.
This one move it a REALLY awkward one. He calls it the "cradle"... maybe you can picture how that goes. The girl's back is to the guy's front... and it's kinda like a hug. Except both hands are being held. (Horrible explanation... I might find a pic...)
So, obviously I was with the director to demonstrate, and a little practice afterwords... but then I had to go and dance with the only other male in the class... Idk why, though. But we both had two opposite rhythms, and I felt he was just a smiiiiidge too close. So... yeah awkward.
And then, on the bus ride home, I thought I smelled faintly like my choir director. D: awwwwkwwwaarrrrddddd.
*ahem* Anywayyy...
The bus ride home today was kinda interesting. First, did a route that we don't normally take, and came across a crash/wreck. Hmm... took about a half hour to get home.
Sub in English... which meant that I didn't really have to do work. Which was pretty fun. Even though I actually did do a bit of work.
Pulled off an amazing feat in Health, though. It was fruit day, and of course, hardly anyone ever remembers. I had two fruits, gave some strawberries to Kayla, and half and orange to Matt... Michael takes some grapes from Robert (his friend... an acquaintance for me)and uses the bag from me from my orange. Passes it for him, and then somehow throws it to Bri for her to pass... Haha. Everyone made it.
OH, and my friend had to go to the nurse because she thought she was having a mild allergic reaction to the almonds she was eating.... guess where I spent about half my lunch period? But hey, I got free almonds! (Ok, that was mean). But her mom came with some medicine and she felt better. It was a little freaky, but it all worked out.
And that's the story of Drama Llama and Awkward Turtle in my life today.
Wednesday
So, I think I learned a little bit about myself today. And revealed a little more than people probably wanted to know.... But whatever.
Here's one thing that I didn't really realize until today...
I feel guilty or maybe even embarrassed when I show any emotion to anyone besides happy. I don't like anyone seeing me cry... I just feel stupid. I don't want anyone to see me angry because I'm quiet rude when I am. I don't like people seeing me sad because they turn too much attention to me.
Ah well. Just thought I'd share that for now.
Here's one thing that I didn't really realize until today...
I feel guilty or maybe even embarrassed when I show any emotion to anyone besides happy. I don't like anyone seeing me cry... I just feel stupid. I don't want anyone to see me angry because I'm quiet rude when I am. I don't like people seeing me sad because they turn too much attention to me.
Ah well. Just thought I'd share that for now.
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