Well, this new years post is coming a lot earlier than usual. I have work, and I need to start getting ready in... about an hour. Less than, really.

A lot of people seem to not regret this past year... and for once I sort of do. I don't regret the whole year, don't get me wrong. I just regret some things I did. Like... leaving that one person when they were so clearly not good, not telling my crush I liked him when I had more than enough chances, and all the lying I've done.

I guess, for the most part I do feel content with how the year went. I accomplished many things. Compared to last year, this year has been a whirlwind. I... I can remember what I was doing last new years eve. I was at my parent's house, late night on the computer. I was talking to people as they celebrated the new year... and then said goodbye until there was only one.

He and I have had something... complicated. But, at the time there wasn't anything complicated about it. Virtually... we shared a midnight kiss...

Now? I don't even talk to him any more. It's sad, but I guess that's how life goes.

I just need to learn from what happened... and make this year better. In the end, this wasn't a bad year.

I wish all of you a good New Years!

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or
hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all
these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
-- Romans 8:35-37

Eeeeeeffffffffffff............

Yes. That was necessary.

One of my best friends (also known as practically my lover)likes the same guy I do. What do I do?!

Honestly, I'm happy for her, because this is basically the first guy she's ever liked. I think they'd make a cute couple, and they already have such a perfect relationship. Personally? I think she should go for it. If her heart is into it... she should do it.

Plus, she doesn't know I like him either. She's just about the only one I haven't told, and the only one that hasn't surmised. They... they should be together. I mean, what can I really do? They're both my friends and I'm going to stand by both of them. I'm not sure how else to come at this.

BUT I CAN'T KEEP THIS TO MYSELF. I feel so bad for thinking that, but it's true. I'm going to try my hardest not to think about it too much but... ugh. Right now, that's the only thing running through my mind.

*sigh* Ok. I can do this...

We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so,
because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one
of you has for each other is increasing.
-- 2 Thessalonians 1:3

Soo... I've rediscovered how fun it is to color.

In the sophistic way, of course. I've been using my image editing program to color in some pictures. And they take a LONG time.


So far, I like that one the most. I personally love how Belle looks... but that's just me.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your
soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest
commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as
yourself.
-- Matthew 22:37-39

Now that NaNo is not eating my soul (50,038 words this year) maybe I have some time to reflect...

November... what a crazy month.

Started a job. (That sucks butt, by the way)

Celebrated a birthday.

Thanksgiving.

Wrote a novel.

A slip in my grades. (But they're back up now- I have 5 A's and 2 B's- with my lowest grade being an 83, and the other easily able to be pulled up).

It's... pretty awesome. I feel like this month went by fast.

Thanksgiving... was OK. I mean, I worked on Thanksgiving day and cried a lot.

But I saw my niece, so that made it more worthwhile.

I dunno. I'm feeling spacey. I'll call it quits for right now.

Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives
of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.
-- Psalm 97:10

So much has gone on, probably... but I'm super tired so I'll just do a recap of something recent that's happened. Sunday I died my hair blue, but had to go to an interview so I had to wash it all out... and got a green tint. I got the job and start on Friday. Cold weather starting to kick in and I'm starting to want good driving gloves and something to keep my car from frosting. I have fallen in love with Snow Patrol. I have been plodding along in NaNo... I have about 18,700 words... which is ahead.

Today I got a call from the sister of a guy I like. A bit awkward because it was done in secret... but she adhered to the one thing I asked her to do, and that was to tell him that she called. I didn't mind talking to her, because I found it to be that she cared. I would have done the the same thing, probably. It felt weird because I was at the library when she called. However... I'm happy it happened... but it makes me so torn. It's not that long of a story, I just don't want to talk about it. Time to go to bed before I lose it all.

[Jesus said,] "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your
neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your
Father in heaven."
-- Matthew 5:43-45

Aaah... warm feelings :D. I decided to go to my school football game tonight, mostly for the band. I watched the game for about 15 minutes, and then I saw one of my band friends and went to bug him. I nudged him and he turned, saw me and said "I'm so happy you're here!" and hugged me. Twice. That made me really happy...

Anyway, we talked the rest of the game until he had to go back onto the band bus. Where... he gave me another hug. I was really happy to just spend time with him, especially since all the other friends that he could have talked to where there.... Just makes me smile that he chose me.

But yeah... sleepless weekend coming up. I think it's time to head to bed and try to get a little bit of sleep!

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not
made perfect in love.
-- 1 John 4:18

So... I had a nightmare this morning. It was a funky one.

One of my friends had committed suicide. In a sense, I was being haunted by her. Her reality was superimposed on mine. So I saw what she saw. The thing was, I couldn't be around people. They were part of my reality, but not hers. So I freaked if I got close to anyone. Which sucked because I was in a crowded space with a friend of mine. I remember feeling David in there as well... Kinda awkward.

But yeah... I was fairly relieved when my alarm went off. But I was slightly scared of the dark corners of my room for awhile...

Just a short one today, because that's all that's really on my mind...

This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love
one another.
-- 1 John 3:11

Hmmm... what about today....

Well, today was my advisory at 8AM and it went alright. Nothing spectacular. I mean, honestly... what do I tell them? I already talk to my sister about this kinda stuff. For the most part.

Anyhow, I am officially broke. I've just got a ton of spare change in my wallet :(. I'm seriously unsure of how I managed to do that... but whatever. I'm good. Not like I really go out that often anyway.

Mmm... recount yesterday? Why not.

So my friend David and I often talk a lot during class, just because we can. So, he came over and talked to me, then it was getting awkward so he left. Once he left, one of my tablemates was like "So, how long have you two been going out?" me: "Uhm... we haven't. we're just friends" and then the other was like "Oh, well you two would make a cute couple" and.... I just blush. Because I like him....

Anyway. So, yesterday I was telling tons of people that, because I just kept thinking about it. Nothing really came out of it, but it was amusing for everyone's reactions and such. It was at that point that I realized everyone that doesn't go to my school knew about it...

Then this morning. I was talking to someone I don't normally talk to. He made a comment that he was asked out like 3 times the other day... and then I mentioned the fact that people thought that David and I were going out. He was like "-insert his last name here-?!?!" and it was... (they're in band together, so that's why they my friend knew of David). And then HE said that we'd make a cute couple. That... kinda threw me off guard. But... meh. So life goes.

I dunno. It's not the first time something like this has happened so I'm not really too "freaked out" so to say. Still a bit weird.

So many people sick, too! A bit saddening, but that's the winter weather for you I guess. It's about time I bring out the warm air humidifier because it is cold in my room. Or maybe just a warmer blanket because it really isn't that cold yet.

Today's weather was amazing though. About noon-ish was perfection. 8AM was just cold.

Uhm... I'm really tired. I think it's time to head off and do something else.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who
call on you.
-- Psalm 86:5

So, I just recently got over a bit of a depression thing. I'm now feeling tons better, mostly because I haven't fought with my sister in awhile. Which is a nice change of pace.

However, I almost feel like I have to recount this day. We had a lock in because there was threat of something at my school. So, my 4th period was only a few minutes long. That made me super happy because the quiz was postponed. Then everything went on as planned. What was really the icing on the cake was my last period, which is English. We had to choose a quote to illustrate. Anyway, one of my friends is in that class, all the way across the room. He was talking with the teacher and apparently she said something and was "offensive" (she's a very sarcastic and joking person,, so it obviously wasn't) and I hear him going "I'm going to go cry now" (obviously as a joke back) I call out across the room: "Hey ___ Don't cry" and put my hands in a heart shape. He does it back while holding a book in his hand. I go back to what I was doing, and I hear him call my name, and I see him making a heart without the book in his hands. Well.. the fact that he even did that made me smile a bit.

I think my table mates noticed that. One person was like "Do you think he's cute?" Me reply was a simple 'no' (because it's true as of right now... but things can change). One of the others asked if I liked him or something. I just said "I'm not going to comment." But you know... I could feel myself blushing.

In all honesty though, I won't be sad if all this turns out to be is a really good friendship. He's such a sweet guy that all that really matters is that nothing awkward happens between us. However... I've gotten over that, too.

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats
the matter separates close friends.
-- Proverbs 17:9

Every day.

Every single day, I wish I had the strength to cut myself...or maybe even kill myself.

Just cause I'm smiling and always cracking jokes doesn't mean I'm really happy. It just means that I'm too scared of nobody caring when I let it out.

~From sixbillionsecrets.com

Soaring_Eagle_12
It's almost as if I posted this... I've told my friends that just because I'm smiling and giggling, doesn't mean I'm OK. I don't think any of them have realized how bad it really gets... only one person even has the faintest idea. Even then... nobody really knows. Silent suffering is harder and even worse than if you actually did start cutting yourself. I've been down that road, too.

People care so much. Stay strong, and keep telling people something is wrong. One of them will listen. I promise.

~My response

I honestly believe every word I said. I keep telling two people that I am SO close to that everything isn't what it seems on the surface... yet I don't think they really get it. They KNOW I've come close to cutting, they KNOW I'm not all "sunshine and rainbows". Yet... they don't think anything is really that wrong. Which, I mean, I can understand. If I'm not showing any signs on depression... why worry? Which is why they should worry more. One day might be my breaking point. One day I might really need help... and I won't be able to go to them.

But there IS someone that I talk to when it gets worse than usual. But even that doesn't tell you the severity of it. He knows how bad it gets.. but he doesn't know how often I'm on the brink.

In fact, no one knows. I am in silent suffering. It... it sucks. But how am I ever going to get help?

I honestly hold back on getting help for anything relating to myself. Last night? Couldn't fall asleep. My knee was in pure agony. Does anyone really care? No, of course not. I can still walk. I can still function.

Once ANYTHING gets in the way of normal functioning... it's a problem.

But I'm such a strong person... that once it topples me over... I'm going to fall hard. I wish I wouldn't be so strong, and so willing to just push stuff back... but that's the only way to deal with things. It really, honestly, truly is.

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,
for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
-- Galatians 3:28

PS: this is in NO WAY indicative of how I feel at this moment. I'm actually pretty happy, if not mellow.