I don't even know how long it's been since I've updated this thing. All I know is that I've been sucking at being a regular blogger. Mostly because I just haven't had the motivation.
Overall, things have been iffy with me. I've been having some fabulous days, and I've been having some less than stellar days. I'm riding a lovely roller coaster of emotions and straight up feelings, but I guess that's how it's always been. I just need to make sure I keep myself in control of everything that's going on. I also need to regulate myself because I sure as hell don't have anyone with me to help me with that. I just gotta man up and take care of myself for once.
I hardly have any idea of what to say. I've been thinking about starting my own sewing blog, not like anyone would really frequent it, but I've been doing a lot of sewing lately. It would be interesting to see if I could maintain something like that. I guess I've just been throwing myself into different passions because writing just hasn't been cutting it for me. Either I haven't had the inspiration, or anything that I've been writing is just... sucking.
I just... I don't know anymore. I've been riding a rough wave of depression that's been coming and going. I've recently started eating regular meals again, thanks to a friend. However, now that I'm not living with her, it might be easier to just stop again. My motivation to stay healthy can just... go away. Same with my sleeping patterns. Now that I don't have anything to do, I can stay up super late, sleep in like crazy and just not do anything. I can retreat into my mind and speak only a handful of words a day. I can cut myself off from any social interaction with ease now. The fact that I'm thinking all of these things is a little off putting. But I don't care anymore. I'm ready for the aches and pains that have already started. I'm ready for the dramatic change in my psyche. I already know how my life is going to go.
Maybe I need help.
Maybe I'm too afraid to ask for it.
Maybe I'm too afraid to accept it.
Maybe, just maybe, I don't want any of this to be true.
I swear, if I didn't have the fear of having scars to explain, I might actually devolve into self injury. But I never want to have to explain my scars. I already have one too many.
I'm crazy, aren't I? I'm starting to delve into something I should never be. Right now I'm not sure if it's the late night talking, or if I'm really truly upset. I'm not sure if I just have some anxiety about college, or if this is something that needs to be dealt with right now. I just don't know.
I think my problem is that I don't like talking to the people that could truly help me because I'm afraid of being judged. I know that the people that can't help me won't judge me because they're my friends and they accept me. That's the end of the story. Sure, my family is one thing, but they have to live with me and they can have whatever thoughts they want. I already know what my sister would/does/could think about all of this. I'm afraid that mentality spreads throughout the family. Even thought I know it's not true. Whatever I'm battling, I'm not alone... and I just refuse to believe that in my core.
Maybe I just want to suffer alone because it's easier that way. That way no one can be hurt by my actions. That way I don't have to worry about anyone being sad when I leave. That way I won't have to worry about people wasting their precious time on me. That way, I can make a nice quiet exit and not have to worry about the backlash.
I hate this. All of this. I'm endlessly conflicted. I know why I have to live, but at the same time, it gets harder and harder for me to carry on. I love my friends, but they're slowly slipping away from me. I've had a dream that I've always wanted to realize, but maybe I'm in over my head. I'll never be able to accomplish such a large task. So why should I try in the first place?
I just don't understand.
I need something.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law.
-- Galatians 5:22-23
1 comment:
The Bible verses you post remain true, no matter what. You are never alone, and you know it, but it is, it _is_, so hard to believe it when things get as hard as they do and can. I don't know if you're doing any better than you were when you wrote this seven days ago, and I suppose it would be more mature of me to talk to you about this where we're chatting right now, but I just wanted to say. Those words are true, asking, seeking, knocking, from the verse you have attached from your succeeding entry. And you are not alone. And what you told me is true, too. It does hurt, but we do care, we care so much, you are loved so much, and would be missed so much if you were not here. Your life is meaningful. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me. I don't judge you. And if you need help, I do encourage you to seek it out. Those of us who know you, love you and care for you very much, and I know that _I_ definitely want to see you find what you need. God is here for you, loves you, wants you to know He's holding you, wants to guide you, and cares deeply for you, and you personally. Your friends (including myself) love you very much too. You have blessed me so much with your friendship. You are always here for your other friends and for me, you have such incredible compassion and love and insight. I believe in you, and so does God. You are not alone. I don't want to sound cliche, but I will say, do not give up. Seek the help that you need. You are a beautiful, kind, wonderful, strong, insightful, brilliant person, Lizzie. You are so loved.
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