A very disjointed post follows.
I cut my hair. It's so short. I kinda miss my long hair! Aaaaahhh... oh well. Not much I can do about it now. I just gotta wait for it to grow. But oh well. I think I can deal with that reasonably well.
College shopping is mostly done! HALLELUJAH. OMG. I'm seriously fed up with all this shopping.
My eyes are pretty much the same. Again.
I miss people.
I have to laugh at a text I got from one of my best friends. "My parents want to know when they'll get to see you again."
I've seen his parents more in the past few weeks I was up there than I had ever since I've known him.
Yay. I'm liked.
I guess that's all.
I'm bored.
I've been sewing. My machine has been oiled and no longer squeaks. I also got a rotary cutter! Now I just need a cutting mat, but all in due time.
I'm sewing a jacket. It should be fun.
I don't even know what my next project will be...
Anyhow... I should sleep. I'm up far too late.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock
and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives;
he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be
opened."
-- Matthew 7:7-8
Thursday
I don't even know how long it's been since I've updated this thing. All I know is that I've been sucking at being a regular blogger. Mostly because I just haven't had the motivation.
Overall, things have been iffy with me. I've been having some fabulous days, and I've been having some less than stellar days. I'm riding a lovely roller coaster of emotions and straight up feelings, but I guess that's how it's always been. I just need to make sure I keep myself in control of everything that's going on. I also need to regulate myself because I sure as hell don't have anyone with me to help me with that. I just gotta man up and take care of myself for once.
I hardly have any idea of what to say. I've been thinking about starting my own sewing blog, not like anyone would really frequent it, but I've been doing a lot of sewing lately. It would be interesting to see if I could maintain something like that. I guess I've just been throwing myself into different passions because writing just hasn't been cutting it for me. Either I haven't had the inspiration, or anything that I've been writing is just... sucking.
I just... I don't know anymore. I've been riding a rough wave of depression that's been coming and going. I've recently started eating regular meals again, thanks to a friend. However, now that I'm not living with her, it might be easier to just stop again. My motivation to stay healthy can just... go away. Same with my sleeping patterns. Now that I don't have anything to do, I can stay up super late, sleep in like crazy and just not do anything. I can retreat into my mind and speak only a handful of words a day. I can cut myself off from any social interaction with ease now. The fact that I'm thinking all of these things is a little off putting. But I don't care anymore. I'm ready for the aches and pains that have already started. I'm ready for the dramatic change in my psyche. I already know how my life is going to go.
Maybe I need help.
Maybe I'm too afraid to ask for it.
Maybe I'm too afraid to accept it.
Maybe, just maybe, I don't want any of this to be true.
I swear, if I didn't have the fear of having scars to explain, I might actually devolve into self injury. But I never want to have to explain my scars. I already have one too many.
I'm crazy, aren't I? I'm starting to delve into something I should never be. Right now I'm not sure if it's the late night talking, or if I'm really truly upset. I'm not sure if I just have some anxiety about college, or if this is something that needs to be dealt with right now. I just don't know.
I think my problem is that I don't like talking to the people that could truly help me because I'm afraid of being judged. I know that the people that can't help me won't judge me because they're my friends and they accept me. That's the end of the story. Sure, my family is one thing, but they have to live with me and they can have whatever thoughts they want. I already know what my sister would/does/could think about all of this. I'm afraid that mentality spreads throughout the family. Even thought I know it's not true. Whatever I'm battling, I'm not alone... and I just refuse to believe that in my core.
Maybe I just want to suffer alone because it's easier that way. That way no one can be hurt by my actions. That way I don't have to worry about anyone being sad when I leave. That way I won't have to worry about people wasting their precious time on me. That way, I can make a nice quiet exit and not have to worry about the backlash.
I hate this. All of this. I'm endlessly conflicted. I know why I have to live, but at the same time, it gets harder and harder for me to carry on. I love my friends, but they're slowly slipping away from me. I've had a dream that I've always wanted to realize, but maybe I'm in over my head. I'll never be able to accomplish such a large task. So why should I try in the first place?
I just don't understand.
I need something.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law.
-- Galatians 5:22-23
Overall, things have been iffy with me. I've been having some fabulous days, and I've been having some less than stellar days. I'm riding a lovely roller coaster of emotions and straight up feelings, but I guess that's how it's always been. I just need to make sure I keep myself in control of everything that's going on. I also need to regulate myself because I sure as hell don't have anyone with me to help me with that. I just gotta man up and take care of myself for once.
I hardly have any idea of what to say. I've been thinking about starting my own sewing blog, not like anyone would really frequent it, but I've been doing a lot of sewing lately. It would be interesting to see if I could maintain something like that. I guess I've just been throwing myself into different passions because writing just hasn't been cutting it for me. Either I haven't had the inspiration, or anything that I've been writing is just... sucking.
I just... I don't know anymore. I've been riding a rough wave of depression that's been coming and going. I've recently started eating regular meals again, thanks to a friend. However, now that I'm not living with her, it might be easier to just stop again. My motivation to stay healthy can just... go away. Same with my sleeping patterns. Now that I don't have anything to do, I can stay up super late, sleep in like crazy and just not do anything. I can retreat into my mind and speak only a handful of words a day. I can cut myself off from any social interaction with ease now. The fact that I'm thinking all of these things is a little off putting. But I don't care anymore. I'm ready for the aches and pains that have already started. I'm ready for the dramatic change in my psyche. I already know how my life is going to go.
Maybe I need help.
Maybe I'm too afraid to ask for it.
Maybe I'm too afraid to accept it.
Maybe, just maybe, I don't want any of this to be true.
I swear, if I didn't have the fear of having scars to explain, I might actually devolve into self injury. But I never want to have to explain my scars. I already have one too many.
I'm crazy, aren't I? I'm starting to delve into something I should never be. Right now I'm not sure if it's the late night talking, or if I'm really truly upset. I'm not sure if I just have some anxiety about college, or if this is something that needs to be dealt with right now. I just don't know.
I think my problem is that I don't like talking to the people that could truly help me because I'm afraid of being judged. I know that the people that can't help me won't judge me because they're my friends and they accept me. That's the end of the story. Sure, my family is one thing, but they have to live with me and they can have whatever thoughts they want. I already know what my sister would/does/could think about all of this. I'm afraid that mentality spreads throughout the family. Even thought I know it's not true. Whatever I'm battling, I'm not alone... and I just refuse to believe that in my core.
Maybe I just want to suffer alone because it's easier that way. That way no one can be hurt by my actions. That way I don't have to worry about anyone being sad when I leave. That way I won't have to worry about people wasting their precious time on me. That way, I can make a nice quiet exit and not have to worry about the backlash.
I hate this. All of this. I'm endlessly conflicted. I know why I have to live, but at the same time, it gets harder and harder for me to carry on. I love my friends, but they're slowly slipping away from me. I've had a dream that I've always wanted to realize, but maybe I'm in over my head. I'll never be able to accomplish such a large task. So why should I try in the first place?
I just don't understand.
I need something.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law.
-- Galatians 5:22-23
Friday
Ok, so it's been awhile since I've posted. My graduation ceremony is tomorrow and I've already started packing boxes. I'm almost there- just a few more clothes to go and I'm free. Yes, that is how I'm defining my freedom. Once everything is in a box, I will be free. It's sad that the act of putting my life away is giving me that. I shouldn't be rejoicing, but on one level, I am. On other levels though, I'm sad. I'm going to miss this place and I'm going to miss my friends a lot.
Of course there are a lot of things that I won't miss- like getting up for school, fighting with my sister, and that's about it. I've actually enjoyed my stay here more than I thought I would. I really do love my friends for all that they've done for me, and I really really wish that they could understand all that they mean to me. I don't want to dwell on it too much or else I'm going to cry. I've already done it once this week- I know I'm going to do it tomorrow too.
I just don't know what to do with my life now that I don't have school, and now that I'm going to be going away. And truly away. I won't return to this house in a few months. Maybe in a year or so, I won't have a house to return to at all. At least... not this house. Any house that I return to isn't going to be my house, it's going to be my friends'. Or maybe my parents- if they will still have that house in a few years. It's so sad to truly know that I might not be able to have a place to call home.... a place with memories, a place that I can live in. Most people I know are anchored here, in one way or another. They will still have a family and a familiar place to go back to. I just don't know how I feel. I have so many emotions going through my head I feel almost numb.
I am absolutely relieved to finally be done with school. That is the primary emotion- happiness. I have finally come to the end... Then I feel a bit wary because I don't know what the future will hold for me. then I just stop and think that my life is finally starting. And then I'm kinda happy again. So, sure, it's a bit like a roller coaster.
I guess I really don't know what to say. Things have been pretty interesting lately. I've had a bout of sickness (pretty much over it at this point), I've cried (hey, it got to me), I've slept (hallelujah), and I've had some good times with people.
But maybe I do have something to lament about. The one guy that I really like right now. He has a girlfriend. But yet, when we're together we act so much like a couple- even to the point that one of our mutual friends has just been like, "go out already". And believe me, I want to so badly. But I will never, ever, bridge the option of him dumping his current girlfriend. He will stay with her if he wants to for however long. And if after being separated he realizes that he wants me, then so be it. I'm really hoping he transfers colleges and comes with me and some of our mutual friends. I know they can't stand him sometimes, but somehow he has taken my heart. Not in the traditional way, I suppose...
I think other people can tell how much I like him too. I think I smile a little bit brighter and generally act like I did when I was in a relationship. I care for him, and I just want him to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for people. But we have sacrificed so much for each other, I don't know what I'd do without him. But maybe it's best that I just don't think about it. For now, I need to accept what he's done for me as acts of friendship.
Anyway, I think it's about time I wrapped this up. Not like I really have anything productive that I need to do, but if I focus too much on everything that's going on, I'll just get too overwhelmed.
Jesus said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must
deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever
wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for
me will save it.
-- Luke 9:23-24
Of course there are a lot of things that I won't miss- like getting up for school, fighting with my sister, and that's about it. I've actually enjoyed my stay here more than I thought I would. I really do love my friends for all that they've done for me, and I really really wish that they could understand all that they mean to me. I don't want to dwell on it too much or else I'm going to cry. I've already done it once this week- I know I'm going to do it tomorrow too.
I just don't know what to do with my life now that I don't have school, and now that I'm going to be going away. And truly away. I won't return to this house in a few months. Maybe in a year or so, I won't have a house to return to at all. At least... not this house. Any house that I return to isn't going to be my house, it's going to be my friends'. Or maybe my parents- if they will still have that house in a few years. It's so sad to truly know that I might not be able to have a place to call home.... a place with memories, a place that I can live in. Most people I know are anchored here, in one way or another. They will still have a family and a familiar place to go back to. I just don't know how I feel. I have so many emotions going through my head I feel almost numb.
I am absolutely relieved to finally be done with school. That is the primary emotion- happiness. I have finally come to the end... Then I feel a bit wary because I don't know what the future will hold for me. then I just stop and think that my life is finally starting. And then I'm kinda happy again. So, sure, it's a bit like a roller coaster.
I guess I really don't know what to say. Things have been pretty interesting lately. I've had a bout of sickness (pretty much over it at this point), I've cried (hey, it got to me), I've slept (hallelujah), and I've had some good times with people.
But maybe I do have something to lament about. The one guy that I really like right now. He has a girlfriend. But yet, when we're together we act so much like a couple- even to the point that one of our mutual friends has just been like, "go out already". And believe me, I want to so badly. But I will never, ever, bridge the option of him dumping his current girlfriend. He will stay with her if he wants to for however long. And if after being separated he realizes that he wants me, then so be it. I'm really hoping he transfers colleges and comes with me and some of our mutual friends. I know they can't stand him sometimes, but somehow he has taken my heart. Not in the traditional way, I suppose...
I think other people can tell how much I like him too. I think I smile a little bit brighter and generally act like I did when I was in a relationship. I care for him, and I just want him to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for people. But we have sacrificed so much for each other, I don't know what I'd do without him. But maybe it's best that I just don't think about it. For now, I need to accept what he's done for me as acts of friendship.
Anyway, I think it's about time I wrapped this up. Not like I really have anything productive that I need to do, but if I focus too much on everything that's going on, I'll just get too overwhelmed.
Jesus said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must
deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever
wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for
me will save it.
-- Luke 9:23-24
Sunday
Alright, so I think I need to get some 'unsent letters' out. Not because I'm angry or upset, but there are a lot of things that have been floating around in my mind.
Dear sister,
You don't help things when you yell or make a fuss about things. I've been trying hard and when you go and imply that I haven't been doing enough, it hurts. I'm sorry, but I will REJOICE when I finally get to be away from you. I will pack my bags and leave ASAP. I don't know how to communicate this to you because I know it's not exactly something that I should be feeling. Honestly though, I wish you would stop nagging me or yelling at me. That's all I want.
- Liz
Dear Calvin,
My goodness how things have changed between us these past few weeks. I'm not sure if I can even devote words to how awesome it's been. You've done a lot for me, especially when things took a dive for the worse recently. You've given me a shoulder to cry on and it's been extremely helpful. But you've also been able to make me laugh and smile so much that sometimes I forget my problems. Heck, sometimes just being near you and seeing you at school helps. And then there's the excess amount of time we spend talking to each other that sorta makes me wish that we didn't have anything stopping us. However, we have lots of bars and barriers and it just wouldn't work out. But maybe I'm okay with that. For now I can value your friendship and take it as is. I know that we'll be with each other for many years to come. You have grown so close to me that I don't want to let you go. I refuse. But I also have to wonder a little bit about our transgressions. I'm just too scared to tell you.
- Liz
Dear life,
You kinda suck. I'm stressing about AP tests that I probably won't even do well on, finals that are coming up, my grades have kinda gone downhill because I've stopped caring, and you've presented me with the longest battle against moodiness in awhile. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, but somehow, I doubt that it's working. I'm trying so hard to make the most out of everything. I'm hoping that once I get out from a stressful situation, I'll feel loads better.
-You know who.
Okay, so, I guess I've just been stressed out. I have reasons. The end is near.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he
will not turn from it.
-- Proverbs 22:6
Dear sister,
You don't help things when you yell or make a fuss about things. I've been trying hard and when you go and imply that I haven't been doing enough, it hurts. I'm sorry, but I will REJOICE when I finally get to be away from you. I will pack my bags and leave ASAP. I don't know how to communicate this to you because I know it's not exactly something that I should be feeling. Honestly though, I wish you would stop nagging me or yelling at me. That's all I want.
- Liz
Dear Calvin,
My goodness how things have changed between us these past few weeks. I'm not sure if I can even devote words to how awesome it's been. You've done a lot for me, especially when things took a dive for the worse recently. You've given me a shoulder to cry on and it's been extremely helpful. But you've also been able to make me laugh and smile so much that sometimes I forget my problems. Heck, sometimes just being near you and seeing you at school helps. And then there's the excess amount of time we spend talking to each other that sorta makes me wish that we didn't have anything stopping us. However, we have lots of bars and barriers and it just wouldn't work out. But maybe I'm okay with that. For now I can value your friendship and take it as is. I know that we'll be with each other for many years to come. You have grown so close to me that I don't want to let you go. I refuse. But I also have to wonder a little bit about our transgressions. I'm just too scared to tell you.
- Liz
Dear life,
You kinda suck. I'm stressing about AP tests that I probably won't even do well on, finals that are coming up, my grades have kinda gone downhill because I've stopped caring, and you've presented me with the longest battle against moodiness in awhile. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic, but somehow, I doubt that it's working. I'm trying so hard to make the most out of everything. I'm hoping that once I get out from a stressful situation, I'll feel loads better.
-You know who.
Okay, so, I guess I've just been stressed out. I have reasons. The end is near.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he
will not turn from it.
-- Proverbs 22:6
Thursday
Friend: Hell yeah, ima miss you girl.
Me: Im gonna miss all of you guys like crazy. Life just won't be the same when I don't have someone spouting out perverted jokes all the time!
Friend: Yeah, to be truthful ima miss you the most. you really became my closest friend
Me: <3. Thank you. but it feels like we're saying good bye and we're not just yet (aka, this is making me cry). but i'll definitely miss you lots. life just will not be the same, I'll only have a third of my brain trio around.
Friend: awwwwwwwww. I love you liz.
Me: lol. Love ya too <3
So apparently I haven't posted for a month. Is there a reason? Sure, it's called a life. I had a week off for spring break, a week of school, then another week off for testing. So lots of time off.
I can't say that anything too interesting has happened lately. Spring break was alright, did a lot of nothing. Finally started working on something that I needed to for awhile. Got a nice hefty scholarship done, but probably won't win. But oh well.
Last week was.... fun. I had a lot of time off, but also spent a lot of time with friends. I managed to finish season six of criminal minds. One last season to go!
I started to learn how to drive stick. It didn't end well because my friends got competitive and did stupid things. In a school parking lot. Yeah, not the best thing in the world. But you know what, I've stopped caring. My punishment, being guilty by association, was three days morning detention. It sucked because I usually sleep in, but for the most part it was OK. I got lots of reading done. My friends? 5 days suspension and like 10 community service hours. So yeah, they got hit hard.
While they've been out, I've been so lonely. I miss 'em like crazy and in the mean time, have been texting them. The conversation at the beginning was one that I had last night and it really got me thinking about how in five weeks, we're gonna be gone. I won't be able to see most of my friends anymore. It's kinda sad and scary. It seems like we're gonna pack in as much 'together' time as we can before we have to split ways. I'm probably going to be a mess when we finally graduate.
I've been so lazy these past few days. I should be working on stuff/homework right now, but I have NO motivation. Hopefully I get it all done during the weekend. It may be Easter, but I need something to do. I'm hoping I also sleep this weekend.
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
-- Philemon 1:25
Me: Im gonna miss all of you guys like crazy. Life just won't be the same when I don't have someone spouting out perverted jokes all the time!
Friend: Yeah, to be truthful ima miss you the most. you really became my closest friend
Me: <3. Thank you. but it feels like we're saying good bye and we're not just yet (aka, this is making me cry). but i'll definitely miss you lots. life just will not be the same, I'll only have a third of my brain trio around.
Friend: awwwwwwwww. I love you liz.
Me: lol. Love ya too <3
So apparently I haven't posted for a month. Is there a reason? Sure, it's called a life. I had a week off for spring break, a week of school, then another week off for testing. So lots of time off.
I can't say that anything too interesting has happened lately. Spring break was alright, did a lot of nothing. Finally started working on something that I needed to for awhile. Got a nice hefty scholarship done, but probably won't win. But oh well.
Last week was.... fun. I had a lot of time off, but also spent a lot of time with friends. I managed to finish season six of criminal minds. One last season to go!
I started to learn how to drive stick. It didn't end well because my friends got competitive and did stupid things. In a school parking lot. Yeah, not the best thing in the world. But you know what, I've stopped caring. My punishment, being guilty by association, was three days morning detention. It sucked because I usually sleep in, but for the most part it was OK. I got lots of reading done. My friends? 5 days suspension and like 10 community service hours. So yeah, they got hit hard.
While they've been out, I've been so lonely. I miss 'em like crazy and in the mean time, have been texting them. The conversation at the beginning was one that I had last night and it really got me thinking about how in five weeks, we're gonna be gone. I won't be able to see most of my friends anymore. It's kinda sad and scary. It seems like we're gonna pack in as much 'together' time as we can before we have to split ways. I'm probably going to be a mess when we finally graduate.
I've been so lazy these past few days. I should be working on stuff/homework right now, but I have NO motivation. Hopefully I get it all done during the weekend. It may be Easter, but I need something to do. I'm hoping I also sleep this weekend.
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
-- Philemon 1:25
Monday
So I just wanted to recount my weekend a little bit. It was one hell of a weekend.
Friday was my friend's birthday party. I ended up missing a good chunk of the first half because I had to do some errands. On the bright side, I got a gorgeous prom dress. It's red, floor length and has a corset top :D. We watched Sherlock Holmes, the first one. I did homework. Then we ate, and carpooled to a movie theater and saw the second Sherlock Holmes.
Loved the movie. It was adorable, funny, but very action packed. My eyes had some trouble tracking the actions scenes at some points.
We got back home and played around a bit. Broke door, fixed it, played apples to apples, then the fun started.
I got super tired, grabbed my blanket and koala and just kinda sat around. Then I got a strong grip of sadness and almost started crying. One of my friends, Calvin, noticed that I was starting to drop, so he attempted to do something to make me sleep. I was close, but it didn't happen.
However, one of his split personalities came out. Antonio. I didn't mind him, but then again, I was fairly compromised at this point. Literally, I was sitting on the floor rocking back and forth. He switched back to Calvin for a moment, then changed to some other personality. This one saw me crying, or almost crying, and got me to lay back down again. This one was Alex. He comforted me... sang, wiped away tears and so on. It actually helped. The singing was a mix of French and English, but my mind superimposed Polish on it. I did get a little creeped when he wiped away the tears, but I honestly got to a point where I couldn't care anymore.
However, two of my friends were absolutely freaked. One friend didn't understand what the fuck was going on, and another handled it fairly well. So finally the guys had to be kicked out, and I basically got a round of hugs while they were stalling.
After that we went into my friend's room and had a very interesting evening. There was a great deal of psychological warfare going on. I, of course, was of no help. My friend got hit hard by Claire, a personality of Calvin's. Another friend had a nightmare about Antonio, and she specifically asked for me in the midst of it. And, according to her, I have a heart that sounds like a horse. So, of course she found my heart beat and hugs comforting. I fell asleep holding her hand.
Anyway, we didn't get to bed until like 3AM. Then alarms went off at 4. It sucked. A lot. So I got up at about 8:30. Saturday was highly unproductive. I mean, I did get some stuff done, but I spent more time sleeping/resting and reading than doing homework. I had some touching conversations. Mostly between the guys that were there and how they didn't want to leave me how I was. One conversation actually made me cry. I almost want to put it up here. But, I won't.
Then I realized I forgot my charger, and my laptop died. So I spent a lot of time this weekend reading. I finished a book, actually.
Sunday I woke up super early because I thought it was Monday. I set an alarm, then realized it was Sunday, turned it off, and slept for two more hours. I went to church, helped clean up the yard, did some more napping and reading and stuff.
Then today. Today I got to light gummy bears on fire. It was AWESOME.
Weekend highlights:
Antonio said that I needed therapy more than "he" (Calvin) ever did.
I only got one card in Apples to Apples.
I got a Gir hat for the weekend because it was supposed to help me sleep. I don't think it did.
I have the calmest mind out of all my friends. I managed to not get freaked out by Calvin's multiple personalities.
People can't stand to see me cry.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be
hidden.
-- Matthew 5:14
Friday was my friend's birthday party. I ended up missing a good chunk of the first half because I had to do some errands. On the bright side, I got a gorgeous prom dress. It's red, floor length and has a corset top :D. We watched Sherlock Holmes, the first one. I did homework. Then we ate, and carpooled to a movie theater and saw the second Sherlock Holmes.
Loved the movie. It was adorable, funny, but very action packed. My eyes had some trouble tracking the actions scenes at some points.
We got back home and played around a bit. Broke door, fixed it, played apples to apples, then the fun started.
I got super tired, grabbed my blanket and koala and just kinda sat around. Then I got a strong grip of sadness and almost started crying. One of my friends, Calvin, noticed that I was starting to drop, so he attempted to do something to make me sleep. I was close, but it didn't happen.
However, one of his split personalities came out. Antonio. I didn't mind him, but then again, I was fairly compromised at this point. Literally, I was sitting on the floor rocking back and forth. He switched back to Calvin for a moment, then changed to some other personality. This one saw me crying, or almost crying, and got me to lay back down again. This one was Alex. He comforted me... sang, wiped away tears and so on. It actually helped. The singing was a mix of French and English, but my mind superimposed Polish on it. I did get a little creeped when he wiped away the tears, but I honestly got to a point where I couldn't care anymore.
However, two of my friends were absolutely freaked. One friend didn't understand what the fuck was going on, and another handled it fairly well. So finally the guys had to be kicked out, and I basically got a round of hugs while they were stalling.
After that we went into my friend's room and had a very interesting evening. There was a great deal of psychological warfare going on. I, of course, was of no help. My friend got hit hard by Claire, a personality of Calvin's. Another friend had a nightmare about Antonio, and she specifically asked for me in the midst of it. And, according to her, I have a heart that sounds like a horse. So, of course she found my heart beat and hugs comforting. I fell asleep holding her hand.
Anyway, we didn't get to bed until like 3AM. Then alarms went off at 4. It sucked. A lot. So I got up at about 8:30. Saturday was highly unproductive. I mean, I did get some stuff done, but I spent more time sleeping/resting and reading than doing homework. I had some touching conversations. Mostly between the guys that were there and how they didn't want to leave me how I was. One conversation actually made me cry. I almost want to put it up here. But, I won't.
Then I realized I forgot my charger, and my laptop died. So I spent a lot of time this weekend reading. I finished a book, actually.
Sunday I woke up super early because I thought it was Monday. I set an alarm, then realized it was Sunday, turned it off, and slept for two more hours. I went to church, helped clean up the yard, did some more napping and reading and stuff.
Then today. Today I got to light gummy bears on fire. It was AWESOME.
Weekend highlights:
Antonio said that I needed therapy more than "he" (Calvin) ever did.
I only got one card in Apples to Apples.
I got a Gir hat for the weekend because it was supposed to help me sleep. I don't think it did.
I have the calmest mind out of all my friends. I managed to not get freaked out by Calvin's multiple personalities.
People can't stand to see me cry.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be
hidden.
-- Matthew 5:14
Friday
You know that best friend that you'd do anything for? I've apparently found that one. I've missed one class twice for her, and I'm going to be late for another one in the future. I've taken her to the doctor once, and I'll probably do it countless more times (in fact I'm doing it again next week, hence lateness for a class in the future). I spend so much time at her house 'just because' that it's practically my house. Her family is practically my family. She knows me better than anyone, and we're just so alike that we're practically the same person. We're probably going to go so far as to be roommates in college. I've seen her from angry, pissed off and crying to so happy that her face just lights up. She's probably my absolute best friend, and I'll admit that I'm terrified to lose her. We joke that we'll probably live together outside of college, but if we're not at least within the same state as adults out of college I might go a little insane. She has been such a rock in my life I'm really not sure how I'd go about my life.
I feel weird writing it like this because it sound like I'm confessing my love for her XD. I'm not romantically in love with her, but I've realized that almost everything she is, I need to find in a guy. I mean; someone who is my best friend, who will make sacrifices for me, someone who will listen to my meaningless stories, who cares about my trivial events of the day, who is smart, someone who will lay it down for me, someone who trusts me, who feels that I am worth sticking around... why would I not want that?! Hell, it's what I've been looking for anyway.
Anyway, sleep hasn't been the best thing in the world. It's been at least three weeks since I've had a nice long proper night's sleep. So I've been a bit bitchy lately. Or kinda like a lot... But I guess it's with due reason. This past weekend I had to get my battery replaced. The only problem was that my sister and her boyfriend were out of town. It was really stressful getting it all sorted out. I cried a lot. There's also the fact that my grades have dropped (as a result of no sleep and the "I can't be bothered to give a shit" attitude that often comes with). I also got letters that sealed my college fate. Looks like I'm staying in state!
Oh! Cute story of something that happened on Monday. At lunch I was fairly cold because I underestimated the warmth of that day, and didn't prepare appropriately. When people pointed out that I was either shivering or looked cold, I would protest that I was fine. Finally, one of the guys in the group offered their jacket. I stated clearly that I was fine, but my protests went unheard. He literally placed his jacket on me and wouldn't take it back until I threw it at him. It wasn't until after I gave it back that I realized Damn, I'm actually kinda cold. Ah well, such is my life. I just found it incredibly cute... And also very comical because he's a very tall, lanky sort of guy... and then there's me, the shortest (nearly) of the group. It was kinda funny.
Anyhow. I've been writing this post on and off for awhile now. I feel like I should go do something productive. But I won't.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
-- Ephesians 4:29
I feel weird writing it like this because it sound like I'm confessing my love for her XD. I'm not romantically in love with her, but I've realized that almost everything she is, I need to find in a guy. I mean; someone who is my best friend, who will make sacrifices for me, someone who will listen to my meaningless stories, who cares about my trivial events of the day, who is smart, someone who will lay it down for me, someone who trusts me, who feels that I am worth sticking around... why would I not want that?! Hell, it's what I've been looking for anyway.
Anyway, sleep hasn't been the best thing in the world. It's been at least three weeks since I've had a nice long proper night's sleep. So I've been a bit bitchy lately. Or kinda like a lot... But I guess it's with due reason. This past weekend I had to get my battery replaced. The only problem was that my sister and her boyfriend were out of town. It was really stressful getting it all sorted out. I cried a lot. There's also the fact that my grades have dropped (as a result of no sleep and the "I can't be bothered to give a shit" attitude that often comes with). I also got letters that sealed my college fate. Looks like I'm staying in state!
Oh! Cute story of something that happened on Monday. At lunch I was fairly cold because I underestimated the warmth of that day, and didn't prepare appropriately. When people pointed out that I was either shivering or looked cold, I would protest that I was fine. Finally, one of the guys in the group offered their jacket. I stated clearly that I was fine, but my protests went unheard. He literally placed his jacket on me and wouldn't take it back until I threw it at him. It wasn't until after I gave it back that I realized Damn, I'm actually kinda cold. Ah well, such is my life. I just found it incredibly cute... And also very comical because he's a very tall, lanky sort of guy... and then there's me, the shortest (nearly) of the group. It was kinda funny.
Anyhow. I've been writing this post on and off for awhile now. I feel like I should go do something productive. But I won't.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
-- Ephesians 4:29
Monday
Just a little post today, seeing as I haven't updated in awhile.
We did filming for a movie at my house on Friday. That was hectic and really kinda stressful. I was not happy by the end of it and had to kick everyone out. I felt bad about it, but I needed to be away from people. I wasn't even in any of the scenes, so it was a bit pointless.
Saturday was anti-winterball and that was fun. We watched Jurassic Park and The Matrix... while I tried to pass out. I couldn't and got kinda sick. I got super feverish and it sucked. But whatever. I managed. I got better for the second half so it was all good.
One of my friends is an epic sleep talker/walker and so we had fun messing with him. However, I took it upon myself to make sure that he didn't get latched on to someone or hurt himself. So I some shit happened to me that was not fun... like almost getting strangled. However, it all worked out in the end. And some hilarious conversations ensued.
I have become the therapist/love guru for the group. I have helped 4 people with their relationship problems over the weekend. It's interesting, knowing everyone's secrets. It also sucks because I have to be careful what I say to certain people. Though, I guess that's why everyone trusts me. I don't blab these things. I hardly even mention it. I keep things to myself, and I try to advise people as best I can. I say some stupid stuff most of the time, but I guess I do help people when it matters.
I'm just glad that people trust me enough to open up their feelings to me and relate their private lives. It's nice to be trusted, I think.
Anyhow... school. Ugh. It's been going. I've slipped a little in my classes, but I don't really know what to do about that. I'll just have to try as hard as I can.
How 'bout that superbowl? I didn't mean to watch it, but I ended up getting sucked in to it.
I've become a tumblr addict. I hate to say it... but it gives me something to do. Which sucks that I do that. But at least I know I can drop it no problem, unlike facebook.
I had lost three pounds. Then I gained most of it back this weekend because of all that food. I'm sure today did not help. Alas, I can start again tomorrow. It's my goal to be down to 130 by may. Somewhere in the neighborhood of like 10 pounds. So.... can it be done? Sure. will it be? We'll find out.
*yawwwn* yeah, I haven't slept this weekend. I didn't get to bed until... dunno... around 11 on Friday night, then 1AM on Saturday/Sunday, and the Sunday was the normal somewhere between 10 and midnight. I hate not sleeping. It sucks. Oh well. Someday....
OH! I've also been fleshing out a back story for my DnD character, Aryanis. It's going well so far. I still have a butt-load of editing to do before it's awesome and amazing.
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for
the sheep.
-- John 10:11
We did filming for a movie at my house on Friday. That was hectic and really kinda stressful. I was not happy by the end of it and had to kick everyone out. I felt bad about it, but I needed to be away from people. I wasn't even in any of the scenes, so it was a bit pointless.
Saturday was anti-winterball and that was fun. We watched Jurassic Park and The Matrix... while I tried to pass out. I couldn't and got kinda sick. I got super feverish and it sucked. But whatever. I managed. I got better for the second half so it was all good.
One of my friends is an epic sleep talker/walker and so we had fun messing with him. However, I took it upon myself to make sure that he didn't get latched on to someone or hurt himself. So I some shit happened to me that was not fun... like almost getting strangled. However, it all worked out in the end. And some hilarious conversations ensued.
I have become the therapist/love guru for the group. I have helped 4 people with their relationship problems over the weekend. It's interesting, knowing everyone's secrets. It also sucks because I have to be careful what I say to certain people. Though, I guess that's why everyone trusts me. I don't blab these things. I hardly even mention it. I keep things to myself, and I try to advise people as best I can. I say some stupid stuff most of the time, but I guess I do help people when it matters.
I'm just glad that people trust me enough to open up their feelings to me and relate their private lives. It's nice to be trusted, I think.
Anyhow... school. Ugh. It's been going. I've slipped a little in my classes, but I don't really know what to do about that. I'll just have to try as hard as I can.
How 'bout that superbowl? I didn't mean to watch it, but I ended up getting sucked in to it.
I've become a tumblr addict. I hate to say it... but it gives me something to do. Which sucks that I do that. But at least I know I can drop it no problem, unlike facebook.
I had lost three pounds. Then I gained most of it back this weekend because of all that food. I'm sure today did not help. Alas, I can start again tomorrow. It's my goal to be down to 130 by may. Somewhere in the neighborhood of like 10 pounds. So.... can it be done? Sure. will it be? We'll find out.
*yawwwn* yeah, I haven't slept this weekend. I didn't get to bed until... dunno... around 11 on Friday night, then 1AM on Saturday/Sunday, and the Sunday was the normal somewhere between 10 and midnight. I hate not sleeping. It sucks. Oh well. Someday....
OH! I've also been fleshing out a back story for my DnD character, Aryanis. It's going well so far. I still have a butt-load of editing to do before it's awesome and amazing.
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for
the sheep.
-- John 10:11
Sunday
So I just want to report my first ever car crash. Completely not my fault. I was going through a yellow light, and a car decided to turn left. I braked as hard as I could, but still wound up hitting them. My passenger headlight is smashed, the hood slightly crumpled and I'm leaking windshield wiper fluid. (at least, I'm assuming that's it).
No one was hurt, and it was relatively quick getting information. However, I am still kinda jittery, but calming down. I'm going to go eat and forget that today happened.
Oh, and I thank the Lord with everything I have today. As well as Japanese engineering.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12
No one was hurt, and it was relatively quick getting information. However, I am still kinda jittery, but calming down. I'm going to go eat and forget that today happened.
Oh, and I thank the Lord with everything I have today. As well as Japanese engineering.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12
Alright, so, I have discovered EXACTLY why even though I think I'm a bit pudgy (hey, no one can deny that)I'll never be anorexic (or bulimic for that matter). I love food. Way too much. I also realized that I don't eat nearly enough. But that is hardly my fault. There really isn't a whole lot of food in the house....
Anyway. This week went alright. I'm feeling pretty happy and optimistic! Maybe because I slept A LOT over the weekend.
Uhmmm...
I read a lot of 'pro-ana' blogs today. They disgust me. I mean... those people have to have some SERIOUS mental issues. Well, who am I to judge, really, but still. I could never bring myself to do the things they do. It's kinda insane. They need so much help. But it also opens my eyes to see the signs in other people, if the need ever arises.
I'm really hyperactive and unfocused right now. I'm just... I'll stop now.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
-- 1 Chronicles 16:11
Anyway. This week went alright. I'm feeling pretty happy and optimistic! Maybe because I slept A LOT over the weekend.
Uhmmm...
I read a lot of 'pro-ana' blogs today. They disgust me. I mean... those people have to have some SERIOUS mental issues. Well, who am I to judge, really, but still. I could never bring myself to do the things they do. It's kinda insane. They need so much help. But it also opens my eyes to see the signs in other people, if the need ever arises.
I'm really hyperactive and unfocused right now. I'm just... I'll stop now.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
-- 1 Chronicles 16:11
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