So I just wanted to recount my weekend a little bit. It was one hell of a weekend.
Friday was my friend's birthday party. I ended up missing a good chunk of the first half because I had to do some errands. On the bright side, I got a gorgeous prom dress. It's red, floor length and has a corset top :D. We watched Sherlock Holmes, the first one. I did homework. Then we ate, and carpooled to a movie theater and saw the second Sherlock Holmes.
Loved the movie. It was adorable, funny, but very action packed. My eyes had some trouble tracking the actions scenes at some points.
We got back home and played around a bit. Broke door, fixed it, played apples to apples, then the fun started.
I got super tired, grabbed my blanket and koala and just kinda sat around. Then I got a strong grip of sadness and almost started crying. One of my friends, Calvin, noticed that I was starting to drop, so he attempted to do something to make me sleep. I was close, but it didn't happen.
However, one of his split personalities came out. Antonio. I didn't mind him, but then again, I was fairly compromised at this point. Literally, I was sitting on the floor rocking back and forth. He switched back to Calvin for a moment, then changed to some other personality. This one saw me crying, or almost crying, and got me to lay back down again. This one was Alex. He comforted me... sang, wiped away tears and so on. It actually helped. The singing was a mix of French and English, but my mind superimposed Polish on it. I did get a little creeped when he wiped away the tears, but I honestly got to a point where I couldn't care anymore.
However, two of my friends were absolutely freaked. One friend didn't understand what the fuck was going on, and another handled it fairly well. So finally the guys had to be kicked out, and I basically got a round of hugs while they were stalling.
After that we went into my friend's room and had a very interesting evening. There was a great deal of psychological warfare going on. I, of course, was of no help. My friend got hit hard by Claire, a personality of Calvin's. Another friend had a nightmare about Antonio, and she specifically asked for me in the midst of it. And, according to her, I have a heart that sounds like a horse. So, of course she found my heart beat and hugs comforting. I fell asleep holding her hand.
Anyway, we didn't get to bed until like 3AM. Then alarms went off at 4. It sucked. A lot. So I got up at about 8:30. Saturday was highly unproductive. I mean, I did get some stuff done, but I spent more time sleeping/resting and reading than doing homework. I had some touching conversations. Mostly between the guys that were there and how they didn't want to leave me how I was. One conversation actually made me cry. I almost want to put it up here. But, I won't.
Then I realized I forgot my charger, and my laptop died. So I spent a lot of time this weekend reading. I finished a book, actually.
Sunday I woke up super early because I thought it was Monday. I set an alarm, then realized it was Sunday, turned it off, and slept for two more hours. I went to church, helped clean up the yard, did some more napping and reading and stuff.
Then today. Today I got to light gummy bears on fire. It was AWESOME.
Weekend highlights:
Antonio said that I needed therapy more than "he" (Calvin) ever did.
I only got one card in Apples to Apples.
I got a Gir hat for the weekend because it was supposed to help me sleep. I don't think it did.
I have the calmest mind out of all my friends. I managed to not get freaked out by Calvin's multiple personalities.
People can't stand to see me cry.
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be
hidden.
-- Matthew 5:14
Monday
Friday
You know that best friend that you'd do anything for? I've apparently found that one. I've missed one class twice for her, and I'm going to be late for another one in the future. I've taken her to the doctor once, and I'll probably do it countless more times (in fact I'm doing it again next week, hence lateness for a class in the future). I spend so much time at her house 'just because' that it's practically my house. Her family is practically my family. She knows me better than anyone, and we're just so alike that we're practically the same person. We're probably going to go so far as to be roommates in college. I've seen her from angry, pissed off and crying to so happy that her face just lights up. She's probably my absolute best friend, and I'll admit that I'm terrified to lose her. We joke that we'll probably live together outside of college, but if we're not at least within the same state as adults out of college I might go a little insane. She has been such a rock in my life I'm really not sure how I'd go about my life.
I feel weird writing it like this because it sound like I'm confessing my love for her XD. I'm not romantically in love with her, but I've realized that almost everything she is, I need to find in a guy. I mean; someone who is my best friend, who will make sacrifices for me, someone who will listen to my meaningless stories, who cares about my trivial events of the day, who is smart, someone who will lay it down for me, someone who trusts me, who feels that I am worth sticking around... why would I not want that?! Hell, it's what I've been looking for anyway.
Anyway, sleep hasn't been the best thing in the world. It's been at least three weeks since I've had a nice long proper night's sleep. So I've been a bit bitchy lately. Or kinda like a lot... But I guess it's with due reason. This past weekend I had to get my battery replaced. The only problem was that my sister and her boyfriend were out of town. It was really stressful getting it all sorted out. I cried a lot. There's also the fact that my grades have dropped (as a result of no sleep and the "I can't be bothered to give a shit" attitude that often comes with). I also got letters that sealed my college fate. Looks like I'm staying in state!
Oh! Cute story of something that happened on Monday. At lunch I was fairly cold because I underestimated the warmth of that day, and didn't prepare appropriately. When people pointed out that I was either shivering or looked cold, I would protest that I was fine. Finally, one of the guys in the group offered their jacket. I stated clearly that I was fine, but my protests went unheard. He literally placed his jacket on me and wouldn't take it back until I threw it at him. It wasn't until after I gave it back that I realized Damn, I'm actually kinda cold. Ah well, such is my life. I just found it incredibly cute... And also very comical because he's a very tall, lanky sort of guy... and then there's me, the shortest (nearly) of the group. It was kinda funny.
Anyhow. I've been writing this post on and off for awhile now. I feel like I should go do something productive. But I won't.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
-- Ephesians 4:29
I feel weird writing it like this because it sound like I'm confessing my love for her XD. I'm not romantically in love with her, but I've realized that almost everything she is, I need to find in a guy. I mean; someone who is my best friend, who will make sacrifices for me, someone who will listen to my meaningless stories, who cares about my trivial events of the day, who is smart, someone who will lay it down for me, someone who trusts me, who feels that I am worth sticking around... why would I not want that?! Hell, it's what I've been looking for anyway.
Anyway, sleep hasn't been the best thing in the world. It's been at least three weeks since I've had a nice long proper night's sleep. So I've been a bit bitchy lately. Or kinda like a lot... But I guess it's with due reason. This past weekend I had to get my battery replaced. The only problem was that my sister and her boyfriend were out of town. It was really stressful getting it all sorted out. I cried a lot. There's also the fact that my grades have dropped (as a result of no sleep and the "I can't be bothered to give a shit" attitude that often comes with). I also got letters that sealed my college fate. Looks like I'm staying in state!
Oh! Cute story of something that happened on Monday. At lunch I was fairly cold because I underestimated the warmth of that day, and didn't prepare appropriately. When people pointed out that I was either shivering or looked cold, I would protest that I was fine. Finally, one of the guys in the group offered their jacket. I stated clearly that I was fine, but my protests went unheard. He literally placed his jacket on me and wouldn't take it back until I threw it at him. It wasn't until after I gave it back that I realized Damn, I'm actually kinda cold. Ah well, such is my life. I just found it incredibly cute... And also very comical because he's a very tall, lanky sort of guy... and then there's me, the shortest (nearly) of the group. It was kinda funny.
Anyhow. I've been writing this post on and off for awhile now. I feel like I should go do something productive. But I won't.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
-- Ephesians 4:29
Monday
Just a little post today, seeing as I haven't updated in awhile.
We did filming for a movie at my house on Friday. That was hectic and really kinda stressful. I was not happy by the end of it and had to kick everyone out. I felt bad about it, but I needed to be away from people. I wasn't even in any of the scenes, so it was a bit pointless.
Saturday was anti-winterball and that was fun. We watched Jurassic Park and The Matrix... while I tried to pass out. I couldn't and got kinda sick. I got super feverish and it sucked. But whatever. I managed. I got better for the second half so it was all good.
One of my friends is an epic sleep talker/walker and so we had fun messing with him. However, I took it upon myself to make sure that he didn't get latched on to someone or hurt himself. So I some shit happened to me that was not fun... like almost getting strangled. However, it all worked out in the end. And some hilarious conversations ensued.
I have become the therapist/love guru for the group. I have helped 4 people with their relationship problems over the weekend. It's interesting, knowing everyone's secrets. It also sucks because I have to be careful what I say to certain people. Though, I guess that's why everyone trusts me. I don't blab these things. I hardly even mention it. I keep things to myself, and I try to advise people as best I can. I say some stupid stuff most of the time, but I guess I do help people when it matters.
I'm just glad that people trust me enough to open up their feelings to me and relate their private lives. It's nice to be trusted, I think.
Anyhow... school. Ugh. It's been going. I've slipped a little in my classes, but I don't really know what to do about that. I'll just have to try as hard as I can.
How 'bout that superbowl? I didn't mean to watch it, but I ended up getting sucked in to it.
I've become a tumblr addict. I hate to say it... but it gives me something to do. Which sucks that I do that. But at least I know I can drop it no problem, unlike facebook.
I had lost three pounds. Then I gained most of it back this weekend because of all that food. I'm sure today did not help. Alas, I can start again tomorrow. It's my goal to be down to 130 by may. Somewhere in the neighborhood of like 10 pounds. So.... can it be done? Sure. will it be? We'll find out.
*yawwwn* yeah, I haven't slept this weekend. I didn't get to bed until... dunno... around 11 on Friday night, then 1AM on Saturday/Sunday, and the Sunday was the normal somewhere between 10 and midnight. I hate not sleeping. It sucks. Oh well. Someday....
OH! I've also been fleshing out a back story for my DnD character, Aryanis. It's going well so far. I still have a butt-load of editing to do before it's awesome and amazing.
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for
the sheep.
-- John 10:11
We did filming for a movie at my house on Friday. That was hectic and really kinda stressful. I was not happy by the end of it and had to kick everyone out. I felt bad about it, but I needed to be away from people. I wasn't even in any of the scenes, so it was a bit pointless.
Saturday was anti-winterball and that was fun. We watched Jurassic Park and The Matrix... while I tried to pass out. I couldn't and got kinda sick. I got super feverish and it sucked. But whatever. I managed. I got better for the second half so it was all good.
One of my friends is an epic sleep talker/walker and so we had fun messing with him. However, I took it upon myself to make sure that he didn't get latched on to someone or hurt himself. So I some shit happened to me that was not fun... like almost getting strangled. However, it all worked out in the end. And some hilarious conversations ensued.
I have become the therapist/love guru for the group. I have helped 4 people with their relationship problems over the weekend. It's interesting, knowing everyone's secrets. It also sucks because I have to be careful what I say to certain people. Though, I guess that's why everyone trusts me. I don't blab these things. I hardly even mention it. I keep things to myself, and I try to advise people as best I can. I say some stupid stuff most of the time, but I guess I do help people when it matters.
I'm just glad that people trust me enough to open up their feelings to me and relate their private lives. It's nice to be trusted, I think.
Anyhow... school. Ugh. It's been going. I've slipped a little in my classes, but I don't really know what to do about that. I'll just have to try as hard as I can.
How 'bout that superbowl? I didn't mean to watch it, but I ended up getting sucked in to it.
I've become a tumblr addict. I hate to say it... but it gives me something to do. Which sucks that I do that. But at least I know I can drop it no problem, unlike facebook.
I had lost three pounds. Then I gained most of it back this weekend because of all that food. I'm sure today did not help. Alas, I can start again tomorrow. It's my goal to be down to 130 by may. Somewhere in the neighborhood of like 10 pounds. So.... can it be done? Sure. will it be? We'll find out.
*yawwwn* yeah, I haven't slept this weekend. I didn't get to bed until... dunno... around 11 on Friday night, then 1AM on Saturday/Sunday, and the Sunday was the normal somewhere between 10 and midnight. I hate not sleeping. It sucks. Oh well. Someday....
OH! I've also been fleshing out a back story for my DnD character, Aryanis. It's going well so far. I still have a butt-load of editing to do before it's awesome and amazing.
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for
the sheep.
-- John 10:11
Sunday
So I just want to report my first ever car crash. Completely not my fault. I was going through a yellow light, and a car decided to turn left. I braked as hard as I could, but still wound up hitting them. My passenger headlight is smashed, the hood slightly crumpled and I'm leaking windshield wiper fluid. (at least, I'm assuming that's it).
No one was hurt, and it was relatively quick getting information. However, I am still kinda jittery, but calming down. I'm going to go eat and forget that today happened.
Oh, and I thank the Lord with everything I have today. As well as Japanese engineering.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12
No one was hurt, and it was relatively quick getting information. However, I am still kinda jittery, but calming down. I'm going to go eat and forget that today happened.
Oh, and I thank the Lord with everything I have today. As well as Japanese engineering.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12
Alright, so, I have discovered EXACTLY why even though I think I'm a bit pudgy (hey, no one can deny that)I'll never be anorexic (or bulimic for that matter). I love food. Way too much. I also realized that I don't eat nearly enough. But that is hardly my fault. There really isn't a whole lot of food in the house....
Anyway. This week went alright. I'm feeling pretty happy and optimistic! Maybe because I slept A LOT over the weekend.
Uhmmm...
I read a lot of 'pro-ana' blogs today. They disgust me. I mean... those people have to have some SERIOUS mental issues. Well, who am I to judge, really, but still. I could never bring myself to do the things they do. It's kinda insane. They need so much help. But it also opens my eyes to see the signs in other people, if the need ever arises.
I'm really hyperactive and unfocused right now. I'm just... I'll stop now.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
-- 1 Chronicles 16:11
Anyway. This week went alright. I'm feeling pretty happy and optimistic! Maybe because I slept A LOT over the weekend.
Uhmmm...
I read a lot of 'pro-ana' blogs today. They disgust me. I mean... those people have to have some SERIOUS mental issues. Well, who am I to judge, really, but still. I could never bring myself to do the things they do. It's kinda insane. They need so much help. But it also opens my eyes to see the signs in other people, if the need ever arises.
I'm really hyperactive and unfocused right now. I'm just... I'll stop now.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
-- 1 Chronicles 16:11
Saturday
So once again it is New Year's Eve. Of course I'm browsing the internet, as always. I personally can't (and don't want to) believe that 2011 is over (well, almost). It's been an odd year... full of things that I can't explain. Of course I've detailed much of it here. Maybe not all of it, but the stuff that matters.
I think I've given up on making resolutions. I know I'll never keep 'em, so what's the point of making them in the first place? Sure I should make some changes in my life, but it's already going to change a lot this coming year anyway. I just need to be able to have a strong head on my shoulders.
I could go on about how I'm going to leave this past year behind and make this coming year awesome and amazing. But I've seen enough optimistic facebook posts already. I don't need to bring it to my blog. I have hope that it'll be a good year, but we can only wait to find out.
Ok, so I'm not in the best of moods this evening. It's New Year's Eve though, why WOULD I be happy? I dunno... I'm just... eh.
I'm doing this post early this year because it's Saturday and I have to be up early tomorrow morning.
Mrrrhhh... I dunno. I should be sleeping. I really should. I kinda wanna sleep so I could possibly have a really cracky Doctor Who dream. I mean, I've only been obsessively watching for the past three days. I want to catch up and finish the season. I'm close. So close.
*cuddles koala bear* It's so time for bed.
God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,
but to save the world through him.
-- John 3:17
I think I've given up on making resolutions. I know I'll never keep 'em, so what's the point of making them in the first place? Sure I should make some changes in my life, but it's already going to change a lot this coming year anyway. I just need to be able to have a strong head on my shoulders.
I could go on about how I'm going to leave this past year behind and make this coming year awesome and amazing. But I've seen enough optimistic facebook posts already. I don't need to bring it to my blog. I have hope that it'll be a good year, but we can only wait to find out.
Ok, so I'm not in the best of moods this evening. It's New Year's Eve though, why WOULD I be happy? I dunno... I'm just... eh.
I'm doing this post early this year because it's Saturday and I have to be up early tomorrow morning.
Mrrrhhh... I dunno. I should be sleeping. I really should. I kinda wanna sleep so I could possibly have a really cracky Doctor Who dream. I mean, I've only been obsessively watching for the past three days. I want to catch up and finish the season. I'm close. So close.
*cuddles koala bear* It's so time for bed.
God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,
but to save the world through him.
-- John 3:17
Wednesday
Ok, fine, I'm irrevocably obsessed with Doctor Who even though I'm a little late to the party. Late and with no banana. So I can't do episode synopsis...es... nor can I explain where famous quotes come from or any of that. David Tennant is one sexy man and I love watching him act.
I watched Doctor Who all day today instead of all the other things I was supposed to be doing. No regrets. I may even do it tomorrow. But my break is almost over and it makes me sad. Though I'm not sure how I'd cope with a longer break. I do need to be getting up and DOING stuff. But I'm lacking all sorts of motivation.
Just one paper. That's all I have to do. But I'm probably not. I've had to do it for awhile now. I just don't have a topic. Oh well. It WILL get done before I go back home. I promise myself. Even if I get a strike of brilliance at nearly 2AM- I will write it down and get my sources before going to bed. I WILL.
Anyway. I guess it's been a good break so far. There were some touch and go moments earlier, but I think I'm OK for now. I honestly can't wait to get back to school. Sort of.
I just realized that I may not have time for everything I wanted. But, only time will tell.
I kinda sorta just wish I had a day to sew things. And the ideas to sew. But alas, I don't really have either.
I also want a day to write. With ideas to write as well. I do have some ideas, but I can't make myself focus on them. Gah. The internet. So tantalizing.
Anyhow. I have one last book that I HAVE to finish before break is over. About 300-some pages to read. I can do it in a day if I just sit and read all day. Which I've been known to do.
I also need to do scholarships. But I dun wanna. But I WILL. I promise.
I feel the need to re-watch "Avatar: The Last Airbender". I really don't know why, but it's been awhile since I've seen it. It's time to re-watch before Korra....
I'm really lousy about sleeping. I've been going to bed at ungodly hours the past few days. I almost napped on the couch earlier. So I should probably return my schedule back to something reasonable. Possibly starting tonight. It's my goal to be off the internet (I might read) by 1AM. Yes. That's actually fairly early considering the 3 and almost 4AM that I've been doing.
I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm kinda fading in and out. I should sleep well tonight. I'll probably go to sleep earlier than I thought because I can feel a headache forming. The only way I can really get rid of them is to sleep.
Yeesh, this is becoming one of my longer blogs in awhile, isn't it? I'm kinda happy so maybe that's why. A touch hyper, but over all happy. It's weird being happy. It's just... I'm not quite used to it. Which is really sad because I used to be really happy. I was a happy child and I had more happy moments even in high school. For some reason I've been more apathetic or even upset lately. I don't care to pinpoint my troubles because that's just focusing on the bad. I want to focus on the good. I want to be happy.
Anyhow. I had a thought but how it's escaped. Oh no.
Aye. The new year is almost here. I'm scared of what's to come. But I will wait with patience. It will all come in due time.
I'm sort of looking forward to February. It's when I know for sure if I can go to Carroll or not.
I'm wondering when my niece and sister are coming to town. I know my mom said later in January but I forgot the exact date.
I've been browsing through a few people's tumblr's because it fills a fangirliness bit inside of me.
But seriously. I want to see my niece. She is so adorable and awesome and I just.. yes. I just wanna see her.
Ok. I think my thoughts have finally run out. Time to lull myself to sleep by reading!
Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him
up.
-- Romans 15:2
I watched Doctor Who all day today instead of all the other things I was supposed to be doing. No regrets. I may even do it tomorrow. But my break is almost over and it makes me sad. Though I'm not sure how I'd cope with a longer break. I do need to be getting up and DOING stuff. But I'm lacking all sorts of motivation.
Just one paper. That's all I have to do. But I'm probably not. I've had to do it for awhile now. I just don't have a topic. Oh well. It WILL get done before I go back home. I promise myself. Even if I get a strike of brilliance at nearly 2AM- I will write it down and get my sources before going to bed. I WILL.
Anyway. I guess it's been a good break so far. There were some touch and go moments earlier, but I think I'm OK for now. I honestly can't wait to get back to school. Sort of.
I just realized that I may not have time for everything I wanted. But, only time will tell.
I kinda sorta just wish I had a day to sew things. And the ideas to sew. But alas, I don't really have either.
I also want a day to write. With ideas to write as well. I do have some ideas, but I can't make myself focus on them. Gah. The internet. So tantalizing.
Anyhow. I have one last book that I HAVE to finish before break is over. About 300-some pages to read. I can do it in a day if I just sit and read all day. Which I've been known to do.
I also need to do scholarships. But I dun wanna. But I WILL. I promise.
I feel the need to re-watch "Avatar: The Last Airbender". I really don't know why, but it's been awhile since I've seen it. It's time to re-watch before Korra....
I'm really lousy about sleeping. I've been going to bed at ungodly hours the past few days. I almost napped on the couch earlier. So I should probably return my schedule back to something reasonable. Possibly starting tonight. It's my goal to be off the internet (I might read) by 1AM. Yes. That's actually fairly early considering the 3 and almost 4AM that I've been doing.
I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm kinda fading in and out. I should sleep well tonight. I'll probably go to sleep earlier than I thought because I can feel a headache forming. The only way I can really get rid of them is to sleep.
Yeesh, this is becoming one of my longer blogs in awhile, isn't it? I'm kinda happy so maybe that's why. A touch hyper, but over all happy. It's weird being happy. It's just... I'm not quite used to it. Which is really sad because I used to be really happy. I was a happy child and I had more happy moments even in high school. For some reason I've been more apathetic or even upset lately. I don't care to pinpoint my troubles because that's just focusing on the bad. I want to focus on the good. I want to be happy.
Anyhow. I had a thought but how it's escaped. Oh no.
Aye. The new year is almost here. I'm scared of what's to come. But I will wait with patience. It will all come in due time.
I'm sort of looking forward to February. It's when I know for sure if I can go to Carroll or not.
I'm wondering when my niece and sister are coming to town. I know my mom said later in January but I forgot the exact date.
I've been browsing through a few people's tumblr's because it fills a fangirliness bit inside of me.
But seriously. I want to see my niece. She is so adorable and awesome and I just.. yes. I just wanna see her.
Ok. I think my thoughts have finally run out. Time to lull myself to sleep by reading!
Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him
up.
-- Romans 15:2
There comes a moment in your life where you have to evaluate what you have. I'm at the point where I'm grasping at straws. I'm not sure where my life is going exactly. I'm not quite sure what I've been blessed with and what I've been cursed with. I'm not sure about a lot of things.
I know I've been blessed with an amazing family and even more amazing friends. I live in a comfortable life. I don't really have anything to be upset about.
And yet I find a way. I find some way to take my good life and make it seem bad. It's not like I'm going through anything particularly terrible. I know my life isn't horrible and I'm not exactly whining that it's awful. I'm just hurting. I want something from life that I don't think I can get just yet.
I don't even know why I'm hurting this badly anyway. I want to scream out so many obscenities and say so many terrible things to/about David. But you know what? I'm not. I'm not even going to write them here. I feel like I should be better than that. And I will be better than that. I will.
However, it's clear to me that I'm not completely over some things just yet. Lets go allll the way back to September when I freaked out about my dad's schizophrenia. I had a little break down a few nights ago and I confided in a friend that it still was off-putting for me. It's not like there's a real difference in my dad, but when I was sitting in church alone last Sunday, it wasn't right. I felt so alone. I would much rather be squished between my parents, no matter how annoying I may find it. I can't stand the feeling that sometimes I'm being watched.
I mean, I'm proud of my dad rising up and taking care of himself when my mom can't be there for him. My mom has been putting in so much work and effort just to keep the family going. She has worked so much these past few days, I'm scared for her. She knows that all this work isn't good for her. She is taking two sick days (this is her first, tomorrow is her second) followed by her day off. Granted, she is going to be working holidays, but it's not that long.
I'm feeling extreme guilt for taking and taking so much. I feel like I'm just a burden most of the time. Nobody needs to try to tell me differently.
This talk about college scares me. I was told that going to my top choice would make me unhappy, and that the school I'll probably end up going to anyway is the best for me. I want to make my own decision... but I'm so scared. It keeps hitting me that I could be going out of state. By this time next year I could be sitting in my brother's house, petting his cats. I could be so far removed from all my friends... I'm just not sure anymore.
Then again, what if I stay in state? What will happen to me then?
I know all of these troubles aren't really worth the worry I place on them. Sure other kids go through the same things and come out fine. I should be one of them. But I'm not. How is someone supposed to accept the fact that one of her parents is being worked further into sickness? That one parent could potentially snap again at a singular moment?
College money is almost the least of my worries at this point.
This marks the third night in a row that I've cried. I know I'm being emotional. But I just want some comfort. I literally just want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me cry. I want someone to be able to be there for me.
I don't know why I'm so weak when I'm alone. It's not like it's a new state for me. I used to be strong and independent. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I'm just tired....
What a way to end the year, eh? Just a few more days until Christmas and I'm feeling like Scrooge. I want the holidays to be over.
Otherwise my break has been OK. I'm currently reading my fifth book, and hope to be done with it soon. (I'm roughly halfway).
It's been nice to sit back and not have a schedule.
I... I think I've said pretty much everything I need to.
You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest
heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on
it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything,
and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
-- Nehemiah 9:6
I know I've been blessed with an amazing family and even more amazing friends. I live in a comfortable life. I don't really have anything to be upset about.
And yet I find a way. I find some way to take my good life and make it seem bad. It's not like I'm going through anything particularly terrible. I know my life isn't horrible and I'm not exactly whining that it's awful. I'm just hurting. I want something from life that I don't think I can get just yet.
I don't even know why I'm hurting this badly anyway. I want to scream out so many obscenities and say so many terrible things to/about David. But you know what? I'm not. I'm not even going to write them here. I feel like I should be better than that. And I will be better than that. I will.
However, it's clear to me that I'm not completely over some things just yet. Lets go allll the way back to September when I freaked out about my dad's schizophrenia. I had a little break down a few nights ago and I confided in a friend that it still was off-putting for me. It's not like there's a real difference in my dad, but when I was sitting in church alone last Sunday, it wasn't right. I felt so alone. I would much rather be squished between my parents, no matter how annoying I may find it. I can't stand the feeling that sometimes I'm being watched.
I mean, I'm proud of my dad rising up and taking care of himself when my mom can't be there for him. My mom has been putting in so much work and effort just to keep the family going. She has worked so much these past few days, I'm scared for her. She knows that all this work isn't good for her. She is taking two sick days (this is her first, tomorrow is her second) followed by her day off. Granted, she is going to be working holidays, but it's not that long.
I'm feeling extreme guilt for taking and taking so much. I feel like I'm just a burden most of the time. Nobody needs to try to tell me differently.
This talk about college scares me. I was told that going to my top choice would make me unhappy, and that the school I'll probably end up going to anyway is the best for me. I want to make my own decision... but I'm so scared. It keeps hitting me that I could be going out of state. By this time next year I could be sitting in my brother's house, petting his cats. I could be so far removed from all my friends... I'm just not sure anymore.
Then again, what if I stay in state? What will happen to me then?
I know all of these troubles aren't really worth the worry I place on them. Sure other kids go through the same things and come out fine. I should be one of them. But I'm not. How is someone supposed to accept the fact that one of her parents is being worked further into sickness? That one parent could potentially snap again at a singular moment?
College money is almost the least of my worries at this point.
This marks the third night in a row that I've cried. I know I'm being emotional. But I just want some comfort. I literally just want someone to wrap their arms around me and let me cry. I want someone to be able to be there for me.
I don't know why I'm so weak when I'm alone. It's not like it's a new state for me. I used to be strong and independent. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I'm just tired....
What a way to end the year, eh? Just a few more days until Christmas and I'm feeling like Scrooge. I want the holidays to be over.
Otherwise my break has been OK. I'm currently reading my fifth book, and hope to be done with it soon. (I'm roughly halfway).
It's been nice to sit back and not have a schedule.
I... I think I've said pretty much everything I need to.
You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest
heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on
it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything,
and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
-- Nehemiah 9:6
Monday
It's not like I'm all too surprised about this. I saw it coming a mile away. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I guess I'm not quite over it. I'll try to be happy, but I'm not sure it's happening. Time. That's all I need. I just need more time. I also need a distractor. I mean I do... but not to the depth that I want it. Oh well.
All vagueness aside.... my ex is now in a new relationship (or so I think. It's the girl that changed her status on Facebook...). But I know the girl, and I've seen how he acts. If he isn't dating her at this point I'm a little surprised. But I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I'm on vacation. Oh lovely vacation...
It snowed a lot today. And it's gonna keep doing so.
I don't want it to snow. I hate snow. It's probably keeping me from seeing a friend tomorrow.
My finals went... OK. 73 On my math; right in the range I figured. 60% on my English multiple choice (but 100% on Short answer and like 85% on the essay). And I don't know about any of my others. So all in all, not a bad finals week.
Well, except for the fact that I probably made myself sick over them the weekend before. I'm just that awesome.
Sooo...
Merry Christmas everyone!
For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought
us into the kingdom of the Son he loves...
-- Colossians 1:13
All vagueness aside.... my ex is now in a new relationship (or so I think. It's the girl that changed her status on Facebook...). But I know the girl, and I've seen how he acts. If he isn't dating her at this point I'm a little surprised. But I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I'm on vacation. Oh lovely vacation...
It snowed a lot today. And it's gonna keep doing so.
I don't want it to snow. I hate snow. It's probably keeping me from seeing a friend tomorrow.
My finals went... OK. 73 On my math; right in the range I figured. 60% on my English multiple choice (but 100% on Short answer and like 85% on the essay). And I don't know about any of my others. So all in all, not a bad finals week.
Well, except for the fact that I probably made myself sick over them the weekend before. I'm just that awesome.
Sooo...
Merry Christmas everyone!
For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought
us into the kingdom of the Son he loves...
-- Colossians 1:13
Sunday
It's all this fighting. This fighting just makes life worse. If I'm going to be an adult, shouldn't I be treated like one? Why should I be held accountable for something that's not going to impact their lives?
Yes, another fight about scholarships. I'm getting sick and tired of it. I shouldn't have to tell her everything I'm doing or not doing. It should just suffice that I actually do them. I don't lie about it either. And when I say I have done them, I have to prove it.
Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. Oh well. I better get used to it, right?
At least I start my vacation on the 16th.
Finals next week... I'm scared. I haven't studied. Well, I've started to study for my English one. I'm not sure how well this is going to prepare me....
I just need some intense review for my math final. I can do it. I know I can.
But otherwise, I'm tired. I'm so tired. Like physically I'm not sure how I'll make it through the week. Somehow I'll find a way. It's all about surviving.
In other news... I've found a bit of happiness. I can't really explain it. I mean, it's not that I don't have the words, but it's just something I'd rather have private.
Hopefully all is well with everyone else!
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our
faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning
its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-- Hebrews 12:2
Yes, another fight about scholarships. I'm getting sick and tired of it. I shouldn't have to tell her everything I'm doing or not doing. It should just suffice that I actually do them. I don't lie about it either. And when I say I have done them, I have to prove it.
Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. Oh well. I better get used to it, right?
At least I start my vacation on the 16th.
Finals next week... I'm scared. I haven't studied. Well, I've started to study for my English one. I'm not sure how well this is going to prepare me....
I just need some intense review for my math final. I can do it. I know I can.
But otherwise, I'm tired. I'm so tired. Like physically I'm not sure how I'll make it through the week. Somehow I'll find a way. It's all about surviving.
In other news... I've found a bit of happiness. I can't really explain it. I mean, it's not that I don't have the words, but it's just something I'd rather have private.
Hopefully all is well with everyone else!
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our
faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning
its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-- Hebrews 12:2
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