Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I'm just so frustrated. *sigh* My friend is so rude, and mean and just ugh. I seriously hate the way she acts. She acts like she's the princess and everyone should care about her problems. I seriously think she thinks I'm stupid.

She always repeats herself, and we always have the same arguments over and over. It doesn't matter what I say, she lives in her own world.

*siiiiigh*

And I think my other friend like, hates me. She NEVER talks to me. She is ALWAYS busy. I think the last time I saw her was EASTER! I know she's free because she hangs out with my other friend! alksjfda;jksf akl;dfj

*sigh*

Had some interesting dreams last night...

Well... I can remember two.

The first one: I apparently ran away from home. I think I just got really frustrated with my sister (which... isn't really surprising). And one day while she was gone I just left. I think I ran away to a park... but I remember there were tables with bright red parallelograms. I also remember doing a puzzle and being frustrated with that. Then my sister calls the place I'm at (which... somehow seemed to turn into an office-type room).... And then.... I think I go home. (er.. walk home I think). And then my sister and I argue again.... I think.

Heh... yeah. It was a weird dream....

Second one: I think I'm on the campus of my school. There's some trees and it's somewhat grassy. Anyway... I'm there with my boyfriend and various people. And... we're talking, and I vaguely remember someone asking if we were still going out. Both of us are silent a moment... but before either of us answer... someone asks him if he still loved me/something along those lines... and he was like... "No" and some other things. I wasn't at all too surprised and took the chance to kinda sorta... break up with him. (Which is something I need to do in real life. :\)

But yeah... two very odd dreams that I only vaguely remember. Heh.....

Some poetry to express how I'm feeling right now...

Barely one blow
Before being struck again
Attacked on every side
By everyone

My pitiful shield
Of no use anymore
The impending doom
Rising overhead

It's hopeless
There's nothing left
Except
Kneel and pray

Hold off on seeking
Knowledge
It will come
In due time

Life and love
Are fleeting away
And laughter is hard
To coax out

One shocking blow
Causing repercussions
Sending waves all around

Grant me one saving Grace
I will treasure it
Forever.

I am so close to crying again. I hate reality. It's horrible. I just want to go run away and be a little kid again. Back to when my concern was what toys I was going to play with. If I wanted to play dress-up or hopscotch with the neighbors. D:

Some less than stellar happenings between my friend and her boyfriend. I think I'm the only one that's taken, but I dunno. I shouldn't be. I... I don't really like him. And I guess... I haven't for awhile. Did I ever love him? No. Did I ever like him? Yes. But it wasn't strong.

I feel like a jerk. I've been leading him on. I... I've done what I never wanted to do. I'm someone that... I never thought I could be.

The cure for all of this is to not focus any of my time on guys this summer. (Well... only if they're friends). I will not pursue ANY new relationship with a guy. (Again, unless it's a friendship). Because I think at this point, all I need are friends. People who will stand by me. At least right now.

Am I ready for a boyfriend? I'd say no. Sure, it'd be nice to have one (erm...). But I'm just not ready. I'm the type that likes to go and have fun. Settling down and being serious only happens when... I have to (school) or when something is wrong. It's just not me.

I'm immature and mature. And... I guess that's just how teenagers are. Or at least, most.

And... I guess that's my epiphany tonight.

Hm... I think I have a little bit to catch up on. First off... I am officially done with my freshman year.

Hmmm.....

I recently had a talk with a friend that made me think about times that I really don't like to think about. But they were brought with full force. I can deal with normal occurrences that happen every once in awhile. But this one was an ultimate no-no.

I was seriously about to cry. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. In order for me to be able to focus on my studying, I began to text Michael. Now, here's the thing about Michael; he is one of the sweetest guys ever. I know now that if I am about to break down and lose it, he is the perfect guy to go to that will help glue it back together.

So I text him, and soon my sadness is quelled and I'm laughing on the inside. I felt like I could... deal so that certainly brightened my day.

The next morning, he sends me something that just made me smile whenever I thought of it. I'm actually smiling now because of it. And, at school that morning, it brought smiles to some of my other friends, too.

*ahem* but yeah... I'm totally starting to over analyze. (but yeah... I'm starting to fall for him a bit.. *blush*)

Oh, and I'm STILL thinking about a comment that someone said to me like... over a week ago? (Or maybe it was on Monday... ehh).

I just can't accept the fact that people think that I am skinny/have a figure. Like, yes, I do accept that I have curves (I actually like 'em!) but the fact that I'm overweight.... just doesn't work well. So... we'll see.

Oh... I am SUCH a science nerd. I studied my butt off for my final and got a 92. Lolz. Isn't that amazing? I was one of two people to get an 'A' in my class. (yes... I am gloating slightly)

As of tomorrow... I start my quest on becoming skinnier... or maybe more toned? It's just something that I want to see if it's possible. I could do it with dedication... so we'll see.

I really want to get to the eye doctors ASAP. I'm sick of having these glasses and glasses in general. Eh... not gonna happen.

Drama Llama had a baby, and it's Awkward Turtle.

Today was swing dancing in choir... again. Not very surprised. Learned... two new moves today. Pretty exciting.

I was paired with my choir director again. Not that bad, except I'm a horrible dancer. But, oh well. So it goes.

This one move it a REALLY awkward one. He calls it the "cradle"... maybe you can picture how that goes. The girl's back is to the guy's front... and it's kinda like a hug. Except both hands are being held. (Horrible explanation... I might find a pic...)

So, obviously I was with the director to demonstrate, and a little practice afterwords... but then I had to go and dance with the only other male in the class... Idk why, though. But we both had two opposite rhythms, and I felt he was just a smiiiiidge too close. So... yeah awkward.

And then, on the bus ride home, I thought I smelled faintly like my choir director. D: awwwwkwwwaarrrrddddd.

*ahem* Anywayyy...

The bus ride home today was kinda interesting. First, did a route that we don't normally take, and came across a crash/wreck. Hmm... took about a half hour to get home.

Sub in English... which meant that I didn't really have to do work. Which was pretty fun. Even though I actually did do a bit of work.

Pulled off an amazing feat in Health, though. It was fruit day, and of course, hardly anyone ever remembers. I had two fruits, gave some strawberries to Kayla, and half and orange to Matt... Michael takes some grapes from Robert (his friend... an acquaintance for me)and uses the bag from me from my orange. Passes it for him, and then somehow throws it to Bri for her to pass... Haha. Everyone made it.

OH, and my friend had to go to the nurse because she thought she was having a mild allergic reaction to the almonds she was eating.... guess where I spent about half my lunch period? But hey, I got free almonds! (Ok, that was mean). But her mom came with some medicine and she felt better. It was a little freaky, but it all worked out.

And that's the story of Drama Llama and Awkward Turtle in my life today.

So, I think I learned a little bit about myself today. And revealed a little more than people probably wanted to know.... But whatever.

Here's one thing that I didn't really realize until today...

I feel guilty or maybe even embarrassed when I show any emotion to anyone besides happy. I don't like anyone seeing me cry... I just feel stupid. I don't want anyone to see me angry because I'm quiet rude when I am. I don't like people seeing me sad because they turn too much attention to me.

Ah well. Just thought I'd share that for now.

Life's been a bit funky lately.

Some days... I don't want to get out of bed at all. Some nights... I can't wait to go to bed and fall asleep.

Other days, I'm so happy that I can't even begin to describe. I know what I have, and I'm glad.

Damn hormones.

But yeah... today, Matt said he has hit two days sober (er... druggie... I guess I forgot to mention that... ^^')

And idk, I know he can make the change. I wonder how committed he is, though. I don't want to doubt, it though. I have faith in him, and I wonder if anyone else does. It's so much harder when you only have one person to cheer you on.

But, I think I need to take a lesson from Iroh. I can support him full-heartily and it won't matter if I'm the only one that has faith in him. Maybe he'll see that at least one person is there for him.

(And for all of you who may/may not wonder: I do not like him. Only in an acquaintance way).

:\ Anyway.

Trig D:

Well, I'm getting a taste of what I signed myself up for next year. Joy oh joy. It's not that bad, but still. If I had known I was going to be doing a little bit of trig in 9th grade... ugh. *sigh* Wish me luck!

My friend may have torn a muscle. I sort of hope not, but it's a strong possibility. And I'm the one that played doctor and kinda gave a tentative diagnosis. I hope to God I'm wrong and that it's just a bad strain.

*Sigh* There's this one girl in my PE class that everyone in my group (aka the group she hangs out with) is getting sick of. She is seriously annoying and like, everyone wants to get rid of her. Including me. I know it's mean... buuttt. :\ Erg. She is just a pain! 18 days left of school. Hopefully I won't have to deal with her for more than.... 15 days?

Performances coming up. Eeek.

I have a drama performance late May. Monologue I've been working my butt off with (>< I wanna see how my friends like it. I seriously do.) and a scene which I'm still getting down. Or at least trying to. Pretty interesting.

Then choir... uber soon. Like... a week? Eeekkkkk. Grease. Dancing. Singing. 50's. Uh-oh.

Ah well, so life goes. I'm just super anxious to get out of school and go see my friends that live out of town. ^^ *sigh* 18 looong days.

Oh... and I'm a huge wuss. I won't go into details but... :\ if you wanna know, I'll tell.

Guys are confusing.
D:

So, I have this guy friend, Michael. For awhile... we would barely talk to each other. Some days, we would barely even look at each other! But maybe like a week or two ago... we started talking again. He began to joke around with me... (flirting?)

He started replying to my texts.

Just this morning, he walked up to me while I was at my locker and started a conversation with me. He stayed and conversed with me and my friends.

I dunno..... is he doing this because he likes me or has nothing better to do?

I have a feeling he is single (if he is telling the truth on his myspace. [which says he's single... and is there for friends and dating] :\)

It's almost the end of the school year! Just about 5 weeks I believe. I can't wait! There's so much I want to say on how the school year has gone... but honestly, there's just too much. However, I know what I want to say to each of my friends that have been there throughout.

Ashley- The first friend of the school year. It's been awesome, and I'm super glad that I can call on you almost whenever. You have helped me through some tough times. You have also made me realize just who I am. I haven't had time to discover that yet, and you have helped me take that first step. All the inside jokes and everything, it's just been an awesome year.

Brianna- Hey, maybe it took awhile for us to start talking, but once we did, I could see that we would become pretty good friends. Maybe we don't hang out or talk as often as we would like. But, you're there and you help the artist in me. You are my more 'cultured' friend that knows how it is.

Cat- I will never get used to your thinking. It's just to random and off the wall. You always say things that nobody even thought of. (or at least, that I have thought of). You make life interesting. Maybe we don't meet eye to eye, but at least we've never fought. You can keep your cool... but I see how it is underneath. You are just a super fun person.

Kayla- We've spent everyday together. We know what each other is trying to say mid-way through a sentence. You brighten my day for sure. I know I can depend on you to follow through, and stick with whatever you are doing. I also know that you can be a klutz, but a graceful klutz.

Matt- I had my doubts about you. But, you're the one person that makes me look forward to English class. You just make me smile and laugh so much. You're and interesting guy and I guess I am glad to have you in my life. You are such an easy-going, mellow guy. It amazes me sometimes. But, thanks for always bringing a smile!

Michael- Haha. You always make my day. I can be having one of the worst days of my life, and you'll find a way to make it better. I don't think you know how much you mean to me. Maybe we don't know each other well, but you are still a major part of my life.

Sarah- Man, it took some time to hit it off. But, once we did, it was like a rocket. Your generally smiling face, happy disposition and everything. Our friendship just clicked. I love having you around to joke and laugh with. But, when things get serious... they get serious. I'm glad to have a friend that will be there for me.

Victoria- Alright, so we don't know each other that well. But, you are a wonderful person to talk to. You know how it is. I only wish I could have gotten to know you better. You seem like a nice and kind person. A friend that everyone needs.