I'm just not so sure anymore.
All I want to do is make myself a better person.
Right now, I think all I need to do is write a little poem about my day/how I'm feeling.
I don't ask myself "Who am I?"
For I already know.
Deep down, I am sure.
I just need to bring it back again
Freedom and love
That's what this summer is about.
I ask myself "Where is home?"
That's what really matters.
Where does my spirit belong?
It's not in the sloping valley
For that's no where my roots are;
Only my branches.
It's not where the mountains roll
For it lacks the sunshine;
Only the night skies stay.
It's certainly not the grassy plains
For there is no more water;
Nothing to fuel me.
You call me for help.
I answer with no thought.
I want to be by your side,
I want to help you
Just like you've helped me.
My words seem futile.
Do you even listen?
I want to say yes.
But I know it's not true.
So much pain between the both of us
Let me mend your heart
But all I can do is rip the stitches out
I feel bad
But you keep coming back.
How do I deny you again?
We obviously need each other.
But how do we go about this?
I'm so sorry.
I wish I never did this to you.
We were doing so well.
I just don't want you to go.
It's all my fault.
I'm selfish
I'm rude
I expect so much.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't mean.
Not ever.
Believe me when I apologize.
I know I'm not the first.
But I'm not the same,
And you know that.
Give me a chance, and I can change.
That's what summer is for, right?
I just don't know how to make it up to you.
Please for give me?
My words are sincere.
Even if they sound expected.
I just want everything to be ok.
But it won't be.
I guess I need to start all over again.
----------------------------------------
Anyway, I had a long talk with one of my friends. I'll admit, it made me nearly cry. I wish I could have actually done something for him, but I guess I just have to do what I can.
Then one of my friends pointed out that I've sort of been taking advantage of her. I didn't realize it, but what she said made a lot of sense. I feel awful because that was never the intention. I really need to stop expecting things out of people...
Anyway, my weekend hasn't been all that kind to me lately.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12
Saturday
Thursday
Oh geez.
I'm over it, I really am. I've decided that it does not bother me! It's weird because I had a freak out over it yesterday, but after (sort of) sleeping... I realize that it's not a big deal. I believe you, and I believe that you won't do it again. Maybe I just want to forgive you because I love you so much, or maybe because I've been waiting for the day that it actually happens. In an awkward and weird way, it might have been a good thing. Silently we established boundaries, and we also established what feels right.
I know why I freaked out, though. You reminded me that we're both almost adults. Legally you're a bit closer than I am, but whatever. I'm having such a hard time accepting the fact that I have to grow up again, and become somebody. However, with you... it's different. I don't have to pretend to be anything. I just have to be who I think I am. And as it turns out... who I think I am is a person you love.
That's why when I almost started crying, it was because I didn't (and obviously still don't) want to lose you. I don't want to lose the person who makes me feel so happy. I don't want to lose the person who keeps me up at night because I'd rather relive an event with them than sleep. I don't want to lose the person who is, without a doubt, family. I NEVER abandon my family. I want to trust you with everything. I want you to know all my secrets. So far, you know all the major ones. You still love me, despite it all. In fact, you love me enough that it's like they don't exist! It hasn't changed a single thing.
You apologized. Twice. The first time I understood. The second was probably just so you would feel OK about it. I let it pass after the first time, but once you apologized the second... I started wondering. I started wondering if I really SHOULD forgive you. I am a forgiving person, and I actually like being touched. Maybe that's why you did that unconsciously- you knew I didn't really have any boundaries. Or maybe I should take you at your word, and believe it was just a 'caught up in the moment' thing. I'm believing you, though. Some things just happen, and I'm going to say that's one of them.
Then again, I also have to wonder... would this have ever happened between you and her? I just don't see it... maybe because I see the difference between us and it's just too big. Kind of almost literally. Not that I want to be mean or anything. Honestly though, you made me feel a little bit sexy. Which we all know is a shocker because I hardly ever really feel pretty.
You have somehow managed to take all my issues and make them into moments I'll remember forever. I told you I had a hard time trusting people because they always seem to leave; you reminded me that you will always be there for me. I told you that I have a hard time accepting it when people tell me I'm pretty; you made me feel more than that. I told you I've thought about suicide so many times; you have made me feel so happy that it hasn't crossed my mind in ages.
Right now, I can pinpoint a few things that I've said that aren't what people expect of me. I didn't really expect them to be true about me, but they are. I guess I never realized they were true because I never thought something like this would happen. As much as I feign innocence, we all know I'm not. I know he isn't, but I still see him as the good church going guy who has never had a girlfriend before. Things can change in an instant.
Anyway, I think I've said all that I can about that.
I take the ACT on Saturday. I think I can do pretty well. My practice test last night was a 32, so I should do fine... but we'll see I guess.
I've been trying to keep busy and go out as much as I can. It worked for the first half of the week. I'm winding down right about now. Today is supposed to be a study day, and tomorrow will be a packing and just tying up loose ends. Then I finally get to go home!
But I'll be back. There's a graduation that I want to go to. Then I go home for about a week. Then I come back because I have a flight to catch. CHICAGO!! :D
Then I have no clue what my July is like. Or August for that matter. We'll find out, I suppose!
I start summer school on Monday. That should be... interesting.
And I guess that's all, really.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I'm over it, I really am. I've decided that it does not bother me! It's weird because I had a freak out over it yesterday, but after (sort of) sleeping... I realize that it's not a big deal. I believe you, and I believe that you won't do it again. Maybe I just want to forgive you because I love you so much, or maybe because I've been waiting for the day that it actually happens. In an awkward and weird way, it might have been a good thing. Silently we established boundaries, and we also established what feels right.
I know why I freaked out, though. You reminded me that we're both almost adults. Legally you're a bit closer than I am, but whatever. I'm having such a hard time accepting the fact that I have to grow up again, and become somebody. However, with you... it's different. I don't have to pretend to be anything. I just have to be who I think I am. And as it turns out... who I think I am is a person you love.
That's why when I almost started crying, it was because I didn't (and obviously still don't) want to lose you. I don't want to lose the person who makes me feel so happy. I don't want to lose the person who keeps me up at night because I'd rather relive an event with them than sleep. I don't want to lose the person who is, without a doubt, family. I NEVER abandon my family. I want to trust you with everything. I want you to know all my secrets. So far, you know all the major ones. You still love me, despite it all. In fact, you love me enough that it's like they don't exist! It hasn't changed a single thing.
You apologized. Twice. The first time I understood. The second was probably just so you would feel OK about it. I let it pass after the first time, but once you apologized the second... I started wondering. I started wondering if I really SHOULD forgive you. I am a forgiving person, and I actually like being touched. Maybe that's why you did that unconsciously- you knew I didn't really have any boundaries. Or maybe I should take you at your word, and believe it was just a 'caught up in the moment' thing. I'm believing you, though. Some things just happen, and I'm going to say that's one of them.
Then again, I also have to wonder... would this have ever happened between you and her? I just don't see it... maybe because I see the difference between us and it's just too big. Kind of almost literally. Not that I want to be mean or anything. Honestly though, you made me feel a little bit sexy. Which we all know is a shocker because I hardly ever really feel pretty.
You have somehow managed to take all my issues and make them into moments I'll remember forever. I told you I had a hard time trusting people because they always seem to leave; you reminded me that you will always be there for me. I told you that I have a hard time accepting it when people tell me I'm pretty; you made me feel more than that. I told you I've thought about suicide so many times; you have made me feel so happy that it hasn't crossed my mind in ages.
Right now, I can pinpoint a few things that I've said that aren't what people expect of me. I didn't really expect them to be true about me, but they are. I guess I never realized they were true because I never thought something like this would happen. As much as I feign innocence, we all know I'm not. I know he isn't, but I still see him as the good church going guy who has never had a girlfriend before. Things can change in an instant.
Anyway, I think I've said all that I can about that.
I take the ACT on Saturday. I think I can do pretty well. My practice test last night was a 32, so I should do fine... but we'll see I guess.
I've been trying to keep busy and go out as much as I can. It worked for the first half of the week. I'm winding down right about now. Today is supposed to be a study day, and tomorrow will be a packing and just tying up loose ends. Then I finally get to go home!
But I'll be back. There's a graduation that I want to go to. Then I go home for about a week. Then I come back because I have a flight to catch. CHICAGO!! :D
Then I have no clue what my July is like. Or August for that matter. We'll find out, I suppose!
I start summer school on Monday. That should be... interesting.
And I guess that's all, really.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Saturday
I wrote you a letter of sorts... I figured that if you're going to love a broken girl, you may as well understand why she is broken. You also deserve to know why I love you so much, why it seems like I'm distant, and why I hardly talk about my past- at least, before high school.
Sure, it was a long letter... but there was a lot to say. I couldn't hold myself back. I want you to know it all. It might be a little selfish, I know. But I hardly care at this point.
While I wrote it, I wasn't sure if I really did want to give it to you. In the end, I knew I had to.
K, now the crypticness is over.
SAT today. Wasn't bad. Just took forever!! *sigh* I hate these timed tests!
I almost have my entire week planned. I just don't know when I'm going to pack... well, sometime soon, I'm sure!
I'm not sure I really have much else...
The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life
in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-- Romans 6:23
Sure, it was a long letter... but there was a lot to say. I couldn't hold myself back. I want you to know it all. It might be a little selfish, I know. But I hardly care at this point.
While I wrote it, I wasn't sure if I really did want to give it to you. In the end, I knew I had to.
K, now the crypticness is over.
SAT today. Wasn't bad. Just took forever!! *sigh* I hate these timed tests!
I almost have my entire week planned. I just don't know when I'm going to pack... well, sometime soon, I'm sure!
I'm not sure I really have much else...
The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life
in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-- Romans 6:23
Tuesday
oh my goodness! My computer hated me, so I had to step away for awhile. I finally got it fixed, and so ya know... now my life is going to drain away again.
Lessee... May...
Took two AP tests- Psych and English. Psych went amazingly well, and I think English should be alright. I studied my brain out for Psych...
Prom. It was good. Lots of fun. My friends and I were with each other for like 12 hours. I spend a good amount of that time snuggled up to my boyfriend.
Finals. Eeeeek. I didn't study that much for mine. Don't really know why, just didnt have motivation, and I also felt they were going to be easy.
And I just took a moment to check my grades... basically all A's except one, which is REALLY sad because it's SO close. an 89%! But, I'll take it.
We had a decade project. I was part of the 60's. I hated wearing a dress, but it was actually kinda cute... So I guess over all it wasn't so bad.
Uhmm.... OH! I played matchmaker in a way. One of my friends told me she liked a mutual friend, so I decided that I was going to get them together. I did. And they're very happy. So I'm glad.
Two months today <3
SUMMER! My goodness, yes!
I met some of the boyfriend's family two days ago. It went so much better than I thought. I was scared, I'll admit. But I dunno, the night went on and it really did get better. I only really talked with his sister, but still.
Then I had a funky little philosophical blip a few days ago that made me appreciate so many people. And that caused me to have literally the cutest conversation ever. But I am not going into that.
So, life has been good. I've been happy. And that's all that matters.
He has given us his very great and precious promises, so that
through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape
the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
-- 2 Peter 1:4
Lessee... May...
Took two AP tests- Psych and English. Psych went amazingly well, and I think English should be alright. I studied my brain out for Psych...
Prom. It was good. Lots of fun. My friends and I were with each other for like 12 hours. I spend a good amount of that time snuggled up to my boyfriend.
Finals. Eeeeek. I didn't study that much for mine. Don't really know why, just didnt have motivation, and I also felt they were going to be easy.
And I just took a moment to check my grades... basically all A's except one, which is REALLY sad because it's SO close. an 89%! But, I'll take it.
We had a decade project. I was part of the 60's. I hated wearing a dress, but it was actually kinda cute... So I guess over all it wasn't so bad.
Uhmm.... OH! I played matchmaker in a way. One of my friends told me she liked a mutual friend, so I decided that I was going to get them together. I did. And they're very happy. So I'm glad.
Two months today <3
SUMMER! My goodness, yes!
I met some of the boyfriend's family two days ago. It went so much better than I thought. I was scared, I'll admit. But I dunno, the night went on and it really did get better. I only really talked with his sister, but still.
Then I had a funky little philosophical blip a few days ago that made me appreciate so many people. And that caused me to have literally the cutest conversation ever. But I am not going into that.
So, life has been good. I've been happy. And that's all that matters.
He has given us his very great and precious promises, so that
through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape
the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
-- 2 Peter 1:4
Thursday
Secrets time!
You've caused me to be a romantic. I never used to really be like this. I mean, sure I always thought about it.... but it's so weird for it to actually be real. I'm hoping it just gets better... Happy one month :) <3. (It's also hard for me to believe that it's been a month, but I'm completely overjoyed. I am sad that you'll be out of town for it, but I guess it'll all be made up when we hang out for like ten hours on Prom anyway).
Sometimes I think you need to let me be. I do what I want, and I do what you want me to as well. No one ever said that I was going to shirk my responsibilities. It might not be done as soon as you want, but it's done on my own schedule. Which, coincidentally, is how it's going to be in real life.
I feel like I am such a whiner to you, but you take it well. You sympathize, and I learn to draw back a little. You're one of the reasons I still have some sanity. I don't think I ever really tell you how much I truly appreciate you!
There's one song that, when it plays, I always think of you. The past is long gone, but it never goes away. I try to equate it with somebody new, but it just doesn't work. I guess I'm stuck remembering my past for those three and a half minutes.
Your hugs always make me feel special. That's all that matters.
I look back on my life and realize how far I've come. I'm proud of where I've gotten myself.
He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come
forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept
to his way without turning aside.
-- Job 23:10-11
You've caused me to be a romantic. I never used to really be like this. I mean, sure I always thought about it.... but it's so weird for it to actually be real. I'm hoping it just gets better... Happy one month :) <3. (It's also hard for me to believe that it's been a month, but I'm completely overjoyed. I am sad that you'll be out of town for it, but I guess it'll all be made up when we hang out for like ten hours on Prom anyway).
Sometimes I think you need to let me be. I do what I want, and I do what you want me to as well. No one ever said that I was going to shirk my responsibilities. It might not be done as soon as you want, but it's done on my own schedule. Which, coincidentally, is how it's going to be in real life.
I feel like I am such a whiner to you, but you take it well. You sympathize, and I learn to draw back a little. You're one of the reasons I still have some sanity. I don't think I ever really tell you how much I truly appreciate you!
There's one song that, when it plays, I always think of you. The past is long gone, but it never goes away. I try to equate it with somebody new, but it just doesn't work. I guess I'm stuck remembering my past for those three and a half minutes.
Your hugs always make me feel special. That's all that matters.
I look back on my life and realize how far I've come. I'm proud of where I've gotten myself.
He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come
forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept
to his way without turning aside.
-- Job 23:10-11
Saturday
My internet hasn't been working the past nearly two weeks, so I've just been really productive doing other things. This is going to be a short post, seeing as how I should be working, even as I type.
Either way, life has been good to me lately. http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=3388774983852647981I submitted three entries to my school's literary magazine, and all three got in! We'll see if they stay in, and hopefully they will. That really did make my day.
Standardized testing done and over with, hopefully I passed all sections and can graduate! I would be so upset if I didn't.
Uhmm.... yeah. I've been up and down these past few days, but all in all it hasn't been bad. I've been studying for my AP tests, and I realize how hard they're going to be. I'm kinda scared...
AH geez. I really can't think of much. I'm waiting for Prom next month! WHoooo...
Yeah, life has been what it normally is.
Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps
the LORD God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph.
-- Amos 5:15
Either way, life has been good to me lately. http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=3388774983852647981I submitted three entries to my school's literary magazine, and all three got in! We'll see if they stay in, and hopefully they will. That really did make my day.
Standardized testing done and over with, hopefully I passed all sections and can graduate! I would be so upset if I didn't.
Uhmm.... yeah. I've been up and down these past few days, but all in all it hasn't been bad. I've been studying for my AP tests, and I realize how hard they're going to be. I'm kinda scared...
AH geez. I really can't think of much. I'm waiting for Prom next month! WHoooo...
Yeah, life has been what it normally is.
Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps
the LORD God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph.
-- Amos 5:15
I've been feeling particularly grateful these past few days. I mean, granted it's because I've been happy and such but I don't think it detracts any. I think it actually makes it better. People seem to only be grateful when they've lost something, and are down. I'm feeling grateful, and I've gained something... incredible I guess.
I guess I am overreacting about it, but as one of my friends kept saying over the past few days- "You deserve to be happy". You know what? I agree. I SHOULD be happy, shouldn't I? I have nothing to complain about. I never have, but that didn't stop me before.
Life was turning up, even before the certain event that has just made me explode with happiness. It's weird to think about it. I don't think reality has even set in yet, really...
My sleep schedule has been a bit wonky, but I'm hoping it evens out soon. I do think that I've started coping with it better, though. If I'm lucky, I only have two really crabby days a month.
Anyhow, maybe detailing my past week is in order?
Monday- Normal day as usual, I chickened out of something I needed to do. No surprise there.
Tuesday- I did what I was supposed to do the day before. It was a "meh" day, but I think it went OK.
Wednesday- Recovering from a night of awful sleep, had some nightmares that were really jarring. I felt like a mental breakdown was in order.
Thursday- Best day of the week, an important event happened. Let's just say, I'm no longer single.
Friday- Oh bajeezus. Not only was it awesome hearing everyone's reactions, but I felt amazing. I mean, lack of sleep again, but so life goes. And apparently international pigtail day.
Today- Sleep, tanned (NOT BURN. OMG) and had a fun first date. (Or technically second...?). Either way, I think it was a good day.
Tomorrow; life.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie
down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he
restores my soul.
-- Psalm 23:1-3
I guess I am overreacting about it, but as one of my friends kept saying over the past few days- "You deserve to be happy". You know what? I agree. I SHOULD be happy, shouldn't I? I have nothing to complain about. I never have, but that didn't stop me before.
Life was turning up, even before the certain event that has just made me explode with happiness. It's weird to think about it. I don't think reality has even set in yet, really...
My sleep schedule has been a bit wonky, but I'm hoping it evens out soon. I do think that I've started coping with it better, though. If I'm lucky, I only have two really crabby days a month.
Anyhow, maybe detailing my past week is in order?
Monday- Normal day as usual, I chickened out of something I needed to do. No surprise there.
Tuesday- I did what I was supposed to do the day before. It was a "meh" day, but I think it went OK.
Wednesday- Recovering from a night of awful sleep, had some nightmares that were really jarring. I felt like a mental breakdown was in order.
Thursday- Best day of the week, an important event happened. Let's just say, I'm no longer single.
Friday- Oh bajeezus. Not only was it awesome hearing everyone's reactions, but I felt amazing. I mean, lack of sleep again, but so life goes. And apparently international pigtail day.
Today- Sleep, tanned (NOT BURN. OMG) and had a fun first date. (Or technically second...?). Either way, I think it was a good day.
Tomorrow; life.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie
down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he
restores my soul.
-- Psalm 23:1-3
Monday
I think people sometimes forget the simplest things. I'm not talking about like... how to tie a shoe or something- but things that help keep our self-esteem... things that bring us closer to self-actualization. Things that make us complete.
Sorry, my brain has been on psych overload the past few days.
I would go on a rant, but I'm not really feeling in the mood.
It's been forever since I've last posted.... and there's been a bit going on this past month. Spring break, failed SAT attempt, sleep deprivation, sleepover, a depression scare and a fall.
In no particular order;
My spring break started with my waking up on a Saturday at like 6AM so I could go and take the SAT. I never ended up finding the school. I was not in a good mood, to say the least.
My spring break consisted of sewing, sleeping (sort of), baking, eating (LOTS) and burning stuff. It was ai'ight. Until I fell on Saturday.
I slipped in a puddle in my shower, bruised my hip, ribs and arm. I only have my hip bruise left.
I had a startling realization that I may have fallen into clinical depression. I soon brought myself out of that and am fairly OK now... but I wouldn't say I'm out of the woods yet.
Theeeennn.... my friend celebrated her birthday, and so there was the sleepover. It was pretty good, went how most sleepovers go. No one actually sleeps.
Then sleep deprivation has been going on basically all month. I get enough sleep that it's not like I feel tempted to fall asleep in my classes, but it's enough that I have to drudge through my day. It might be time to see a doctor. But, it won't ever happen.
Lesseee....
Today I made a decision I regret, and I guess we'll find out if it was truly a bad decision tomorrow.
In other news....
I'm not too sure. Pain has been on and off, more "on" than "off" but... eh. It's life and I'm not surprised.
Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it
you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that
the Lord is good.
-- 1 Peter 2:2-3
Sorry, my brain has been on psych overload the past few days.
I would go on a rant, but I'm not really feeling in the mood.
It's been forever since I've last posted.... and there's been a bit going on this past month. Spring break, failed SAT attempt, sleep deprivation, sleepover, a depression scare and a fall.
In no particular order;
My spring break started with my waking up on a Saturday at like 6AM so I could go and take the SAT. I never ended up finding the school. I was not in a good mood, to say the least.
My spring break consisted of sewing, sleeping (sort of), baking, eating (LOTS) and burning stuff. It was ai'ight. Until I fell on Saturday.
I slipped in a puddle in my shower, bruised my hip, ribs and arm. I only have my hip bruise left.
I had a startling realization that I may have fallen into clinical depression. I soon brought myself out of that and am fairly OK now... but I wouldn't say I'm out of the woods yet.
Theeeennn.... my friend celebrated her birthday, and so there was the sleepover. It was pretty good, went how most sleepovers go. No one actually sleeps.
Then sleep deprivation has been going on basically all month. I get enough sleep that it's not like I feel tempted to fall asleep in my classes, but it's enough that I have to drudge through my day. It might be time to see a doctor. But, it won't ever happen.
Lesseee....
Today I made a decision I regret, and I guess we'll find out if it was truly a bad decision tomorrow.
In other news....
I'm not too sure. Pain has been on and off, more "on" than "off" but... eh. It's life and I'm not surprised.
Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it
you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that
the Lord is good.
-- 1 Peter 2:2-3
Wednesday
Today...
Today I decided I am pretty. I don't know why it was today of all days... but I just feel it.
I have made a firm resolution to not refer to myself in a negative way.
I honestly don't know what it is that happened. Something just... clicked I guess. I'm just hoping I can carry this on past today... past tomorrow... past this week. If I can feel this way for awhile longer, maybe I'll be OK.
In other news...
I FINALLY SLEPT LAST NIGHT. I crashed shortly after 10, and got up around 5. Not the amount of sleep I normally get, but it got me back into a good mood. I was slap-happy and I guess that made everyone's life better. I laughed until I almost cried... and well, just felt normal again.
The weather has been gorgeous and I'm loving it so much.
I'm NOT looking forward to springing forward an hour, or having to eat fish :/ (lol, not in any way related).
Life is life... and life is good right now.
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my
ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the
earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than
your thoughts."
-- Isaiah 55:8-9
Today I decided I am pretty. I don't know why it was today of all days... but I just feel it.
I have made a firm resolution to not refer to myself in a negative way.
I honestly don't know what it is that happened. Something just... clicked I guess. I'm just hoping I can carry this on past today... past tomorrow... past this week. If I can feel this way for awhile longer, maybe I'll be OK.
In other news...
I FINALLY SLEPT LAST NIGHT. I crashed shortly after 10, and got up around 5. Not the amount of sleep I normally get, but it got me back into a good mood. I was slap-happy and I guess that made everyone's life better. I laughed until I almost cried... and well, just felt normal again.
The weather has been gorgeous and I'm loving it so much.
I'm NOT looking forward to springing forward an hour, or having to eat fish :/ (lol, not in any way related).
Life is life... and life is good right now.
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my
ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the
earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than
your thoughts."
-- Isaiah 55:8-9
Tuesday
So, today would have been awful under normal circumstances. Apparently, today was an abnormal day.
I woke up sometime between 3 and 3:30 this morning, and couldn't fall back asleep. The first hour was OK because it went by fast. After that it just dragged on. I almost got out of bed, made breakfast and curled my hair. I just couldn't push myself out of bed, however. I almost fell back asleep, and then my alarm went off.
I haven't slept for more than a handful of hours (and if I have, it's been awful sleep) for the past week. This morning was just awful and I was so happy my sister wasn't up to try and talk to me.
Last night really gave me some things to think about...
See, when I don't sleep, I get REALLY depressed. So last night was me thinking about how awful life has been and just me being generally depressed. I almost cried, I'll admit...
Then I got to school today. I kinda shuffle in, trying to hold my head up high. Mumbled a hello... and my friend immediately knew something was up. In fact, he was like "Do you want a hug" "... Yes". It made me feel a little bit better. I laid down, closed my eyes and just relaxed for part of the morning. But it was some banter between me and my friends that made me realize how much I really am loved. (Which I had doubts about last night).
My second I was still pretty "meh" and my friend knew after like 30 seconds after saying "Hi". "Do you need a hug?" "...Yes" haha. She assumed that it was because my sister and I fought (badly) recently... but I put that to rest quickly.
I made it through my fourth feeling pretty good. I finished 5th, was talking to a friend and felt like I was at rock bottom. We parted our ways for lunch and when I got to my group for lunch I was just feeling so bad. I was nearly ready to cry.
"Are you ok? What's wrong?" *hugs*
"I'm about ready to cry"
"Why, what happened?"
"It's just... when I don't sleep I get depressed"
"Awww, I'm sorry."
"It's OK."
But honestly, it made me feel so good knowing that someone just had to look at my face and know that something was wrong. I couldn't help but feel at least a little better after that. (Sure it helped that he was hugging me practically the entire time).
But yeah, that was my day. I managed not to be angry/snap at anybody...
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will
take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will
rejoice over you with singing.
-- Zephaniah 3:17
I woke up sometime between 3 and 3:30 this morning, and couldn't fall back asleep. The first hour was OK because it went by fast. After that it just dragged on. I almost got out of bed, made breakfast and curled my hair. I just couldn't push myself out of bed, however. I almost fell back asleep, and then my alarm went off.
I haven't slept for more than a handful of hours (and if I have, it's been awful sleep) for the past week. This morning was just awful and I was so happy my sister wasn't up to try and talk to me.
Last night really gave me some things to think about...
See, when I don't sleep, I get REALLY depressed. So last night was me thinking about how awful life has been and just me being generally depressed. I almost cried, I'll admit...
Then I got to school today. I kinda shuffle in, trying to hold my head up high. Mumbled a hello... and my friend immediately knew something was up. In fact, he was like "Do you want a hug" "... Yes". It made me feel a little bit better. I laid down, closed my eyes and just relaxed for part of the morning. But it was some banter between me and my friends that made me realize how much I really am loved. (Which I had doubts about last night).
My second I was still pretty "meh" and my friend knew after like 30 seconds after saying "Hi". "Do you need a hug?" "...Yes" haha. She assumed that it was because my sister and I fought (badly) recently... but I put that to rest quickly.
I made it through my fourth feeling pretty good. I finished 5th, was talking to a friend and felt like I was at rock bottom. We parted our ways for lunch and when I got to my group for lunch I was just feeling so bad. I was nearly ready to cry.
"Are you ok? What's wrong?" *hugs*
"I'm about ready to cry"
"Why, what happened?"
"It's just... when I don't sleep I get depressed"
"Awww, I'm sorry."
"It's OK."
But honestly, it made me feel so good knowing that someone just had to look at my face and know that something was wrong. I couldn't help but feel at least a little better after that. (Sure it helped that he was hugging me practically the entire time).
But yeah, that was my day. I managed not to be angry/snap at anybody...
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will
take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will
rejoice over you with singing.
-- Zephaniah 3:17
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