♥
So, basically... SUPER stressed out lately. I look back on it... and don't regret it. I could have made some better choices, but I didn't, and I don't really care.
On Wednesday, I went to go see the play that my school had put on. I was friends with two people, and really did feel the need to go see it opening night. I just like going opening night. Even though I SHOULD have gone on Friday... but ya know. Wednesday night also cues the 5 nights of no sleep! I didn't actually fall asleep until 10:30-11 or so on that night. (Heck- I didn't even get home until 9:30, then into bed at like 10...).
Thursday was me catching up on all my stuff, plus taking my friend home and what not. It was fairly awful because I had knee and hip pain for the latter half of my day. I was busy catching up, and I started freaking out with everything that I had to do. I actually shed a tear or two... but then I focused in again. I almost fell asleep in my 6th period, too.
Friday was... weird. My Spanish class had a field trip (which I did not go on), and I wore a dress (I had no pants :(). I watched Criminal Minds and half of "The Bucket list" before I finally went to bed because I could feel my eyes closing against my will. So I got up, went to bed... and then couldn't fall asleep.
Then yesterday was fairly nice. I didn't sleep as long as I wanted, and I finally got myself out of bed at 10 so I could eat (lol, that is my motivating factor on the weekends). I worked pretty diligently most of the morning, and actually got myself dressed at a reasonable time. Only because somebody was coming over.
Basically, David and I watched movies for like 6 hours. It was the whole pixar movie weekend on abc family- even though it lied (it showed Ice Age, which isn't pixar). But.... it was nice regardless. I first asked jokingly... and when he said yes, I was pleasantly surprised. It was originally just going to be A Bug's Life (which neither of us have seen in years)... but it turned into watching the shorts that were one before hand, and then Ice Age after. I swear I almost fell asleep on him.
I told him last night to go to bed early, and I feel hypocritical. I've been losing about the same amount of sleep and didn't actually turn off my light until nearly 11. I woke up twice during the night (that I can remember)- once at 3, and the other at 5:22. I got out of bed at 8, and did laundry. And homework.
Now it's almost 5:30, and I haven't accomplished all that I set out to do... but that's OK with me. Everything that's due tomorrow is done.
Lent is coming up. I still debating what I'm going to do on Wednesday... :\. I can wake up obnoxiously early and be late to class (at least, I might be late), or I can forfeit my entire afternoon. Hmmm... well, I still have like two more days to decide.
In your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to
give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the
hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
-- 1 Peter 3:15
Sunday
Friday
I've have a string of conversations about an accident that has stayed longer that it should have. I burned myself last week making food, on a day that wasn't going so well. It was funny because the burn made a faint smiley face. The "eyes" went away before the day was over... but the "mouth" not so much... It's practically gone now, but it's still not GONE.
Anyway- my conversations. I had many about how it was weird that it was still there, how I /should/ treat it and how I hope it's not going to stay there forever.
Then Wednesday (I think) I'm talking to a friend about how I still have the burn on my wrist and she jokes that I'm lying and that it's a cut. I walk away to throw away my lunch, and when I'm back, I say to never joke about that with me. Just that simple sentence reminds her how close I've been, and even recently too. I don't think I'd ever cut myself on such a visible place like that, or even advertise the fact. It scares me to think that I'd ever get that far.
Then another one today- one of my friends fired a mock rude comment at another, and the "victim" pouts and says something. I don't quite hear it all, and I ask for it to be repeated. Then the one who had the comment said to them made like a cutting motion on their wrist. I gently say "Don't ever joke about that. Especially around me."
"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"It's OK." (I'm thinking two things- "I'm glad you don't" and "How could you ever").
So, I dunno... it's just been something I've been thinking about lately. I'm a bit scared, to be perfectly honest. It's like, all my friends can joke about this stuff- and it could be remotely funny. But it's not. One day, I'm afraid it's going to happen for real (and especially to me). Then it's not going to be a joke. Then they'll realize what words can do. I just hope I only have to say those words, and not have the actions to back them up. Not only for me, but for everyone else in the group. I don't know what's going on in their lives, if they're feeling the same way. Sometimes, it's best to take a stand when no one else will.
God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power,
of love, and of self-discipline.
-- 2 Timothy 1:7
Anyway- my conversations. I had many about how it was weird that it was still there, how I /should/ treat it and how I hope it's not going to stay there forever.
Then Wednesday (I think) I'm talking to a friend about how I still have the burn on my wrist and she jokes that I'm lying and that it's a cut. I walk away to throw away my lunch, and when I'm back, I say to never joke about that with me. Just that simple sentence reminds her how close I've been, and even recently too. I don't think I'd ever cut myself on such a visible place like that, or even advertise the fact. It scares me to think that I'd ever get that far.
Then another one today- one of my friends fired a mock rude comment at another, and the "victim" pouts and says something. I don't quite hear it all, and I ask for it to be repeated. Then the one who had the comment said to them made like a cutting motion on their wrist. I gently say "Don't ever joke about that. Especially around me."
"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"It's OK." (I'm thinking two things- "I'm glad you don't" and "How could you ever").
So, I dunno... it's just been something I've been thinking about lately. I'm a bit scared, to be perfectly honest. It's like, all my friends can joke about this stuff- and it could be remotely funny. But it's not. One day, I'm afraid it's going to happen for real (and especially to me). Then it's not going to be a joke. Then they'll realize what words can do. I just hope I only have to say those words, and not have the actions to back them up. Not only for me, but for everyone else in the group. I don't know what's going on in their lives, if they're feeling the same way. Sometimes, it's best to take a stand when no one else will.
God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power,
of love, and of self-discipline.
-- 2 Timothy 1:7
Monday
Even though I feel like I've been stuck on one subject... it's what makes me day.
He basically did the cutest thing. He's taken to waiting by my first class so that we can talk with each other for a little while. We did that today. As we neared our normal parting spot, he pulled something out of his backpack and gave it to me. I have it in my hands, I look at it and am like "Do you want me to open it now?" and he's like "If you want."
So what do I do? Open it, of course. Two roses made out of chocolate kisses. I have the biggest smile on my face and I hug him. I walk to my next class with a huge grin. I keep that smile for the rest of the day.
It was funny in Spanish because I moved over and sat behind my friend... I started a sentence about why my day was going so well.... and then I stopped. They urged me to go on, and my friend was like "Awwwwwww." Then demanded to know who it was. So yeah... I was happy.
But anyway. Saturday, I took the ACT. It wasn't too bad. Not the hardest thing out there... but not super easy. Then I watched the newest Narnia movie with a friend, and spent the day with her. Yesterday... I had to wear a skirt because I had no clean pants :(. I looked cute, and felt pretty good so that's all that really matters.
My friends wrote on me, too. Made me feel the love.
All in all... good day. I'm happy, and that's what matters.
The Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his
covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him
and keep his commands.
-- Deuteronomy 7:9
He basically did the cutest thing. He's taken to waiting by my first class so that we can talk with each other for a little while. We did that today. As we neared our normal parting spot, he pulled something out of his backpack and gave it to me. I have it in my hands, I look at it and am like "Do you want me to open it now?" and he's like "If you want."
So what do I do? Open it, of course. Two roses made out of chocolate kisses. I have the biggest smile on my face and I hug him. I walk to my next class with a huge grin. I keep that smile for the rest of the day.
It was funny in Spanish because I moved over and sat behind my friend... I started a sentence about why my day was going so well.... and then I stopped. They urged me to go on, and my friend was like "Awwwwwww." Then demanded to know who it was. So yeah... I was happy.
But anyway. Saturday, I took the ACT. It wasn't too bad. Not the hardest thing out there... but not super easy. Then I watched the newest Narnia movie with a friend, and spent the day with her. Yesterday... I had to wear a skirt because I had no clean pants :(. I looked cute, and felt pretty good so that's all that really matters.
My friends wrote on me, too. Made me feel the love.
All in all... good day. I'm happy, and that's what matters.
The Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his
covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him
and keep his commands.
-- Deuteronomy 7:9
Wednesday
For some reason I've been thinking about my little stuffed koala a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because it's a part of me that I finally "revealed" to my friends or what.... but it's not really a secret anyway.
It's a little build a bear that I've had since I was little. I think I can /almost/ remember picking it out and going through the process. I loved it. Then we moved, and it got packed away and I didn't see it for a few years. I brought it with me when I moved again. For the longest time after the move, it would just be the thing that I cuddled when I was crying. It would comfort me and I would feel better.
It soon extended into whenever I was feeling sad. Which... it seemed that it would take forever for me to be like "Ok, I don't need you, I'm happy". A lot of times it would end up on the floor of my bed, or something similar (that's usually when I put it back on my dresser).
Recently, I started just falling asleep with it. It's not a comfort thing (though it is the first thing I reach for when I'm sad), and it's just become normal. I don't bring it with me anywhere, but that's more of a 'no room' issue than anything else.
This memory I can't help but think about. This was a few months ago- shortly after my schedule was changed. I can't really remember what happened on this day. However, I know it was after an exchange between David and I (hmm... maybe THAT'S why). One of my table partners says something along the lines of "If he was an animal, he'd be a koala". At the time, I was like "uuuh...". But now, I think it's fitting.
I honestly think that 'koala' is more of a symbol for me. It's who I can trust. Who I can cuddle with. Who I can go to with my tears. I think I'm about ready for my koala to be a real person, not a childhood toy.
In other news... I've been slacking like crazy. And tomorrow is my half birthday. I get my full license in 16 days (On the 25th). My school's variety show is tomorrow, and I plan on going. Saturday is the ACT, and I'm ready. Some less than stellar things happened over the weekend (aka Sunday), but I'm over it now.
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is
in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out
its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its
leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought.
-- Jeremiah 17:7-8
It's a little build a bear that I've had since I was little. I think I can /almost/ remember picking it out and going through the process. I loved it. Then we moved, and it got packed away and I didn't see it for a few years. I brought it with me when I moved again. For the longest time after the move, it would just be the thing that I cuddled when I was crying. It would comfort me and I would feel better.
It soon extended into whenever I was feeling sad. Which... it seemed that it would take forever for me to be like "Ok, I don't need you, I'm happy". A lot of times it would end up on the floor of my bed, or something similar (that's usually when I put it back on my dresser).
Recently, I started just falling asleep with it. It's not a comfort thing (though it is the first thing I reach for when I'm sad), and it's just become normal. I don't bring it with me anywhere, but that's more of a 'no room' issue than anything else.
This memory I can't help but think about. This was a few months ago- shortly after my schedule was changed. I can't really remember what happened on this day. However, I know it was after an exchange between David and I (hmm... maybe THAT'S why). One of my table partners says something along the lines of "If he was an animal, he'd be a koala". At the time, I was like "uuuh...". But now, I think it's fitting.
I honestly think that 'koala' is more of a symbol for me. It's who I can trust. Who I can cuddle with. Who I can go to with my tears. I think I'm about ready for my koala to be a real person, not a childhood toy.
In other news... I've been slacking like crazy. And tomorrow is my half birthday. I get my full license in 16 days (On the 25th). My school's variety show is tomorrow, and I plan on going. Saturday is the ACT, and I'm ready. Some less than stellar things happened over the weekend (aka Sunday), but I'm over it now.
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is
in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out
its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its
leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought.
-- Jeremiah 17:7-8
Monday
I had the best, most cryptic conversation ever today in English.
I was sitting across from my friend, and I remembered I had some news that I had to tell her. I think we were already on the subject of boys, so I say... "I have something I need to tell you." and then "I think you can guess who it's about."
*inquiring look*
"Guess what I did about two weeks ago..."
"Did you ask... or..?"
"Just told."
*Grin*
"And I think you can guess his response..."
*Bigger Grin*
"But we're not...."
"Why not?"
"Well... I have to talk to Melody."
"Oh, yeah."
But it was so funny how I didn't have to say about half of the words and she still got it.
However, after four days off, and then the weekend... I'm glad to be back in school.
Saturday was awesome, I must say. I met my friends at the pizza place at around 11:30, and actually had most of the people there, too! We settled down, ate and had our lovely nerd conversations. Around 12:30 we headed to my house. Two of my friends directed drivers, and one of my friends followed. We watched the 2nd Lord of the Rings (mostly). In the middle of it, another guy (hey, we just tripled the amount of guys from last time - a whopping total of three). He somehow got lost... and so me, and the two other guys stood outside trying to find him. After I got in, I was freezing (I was outside in socks, and a short sleeved shirt. And it was cold outside). So I get my blanket and curl up next to my friend. She and I were lying on each other, had our arms across the other's shoulders and what not the entire time.
Then the DVD glitched so we ended up just talking (like we weren't before). I got ready in the midst of all the talking. I felt... pretty. By this point, it was about time to head over to dinner. So we did, and somehow, four of us manage to get there at the same time. And I stole a good parking spot. We get inside, and I'm thankful to be wearing tights. We wait as the last two people come in, and just have a lot of fun reading the fortunes out of the cookies and adding 'in bed' to the end... because we're highschoolers and that immature. Some of them were just awful...
Anyway. We get back to my house, and watch Kung Fu Panda. I decide to cuddle up with my koala and watch the movie. Once it ends... we just talk and joke until about 9:30 or 10. I, of course, didn't get to sleep until after 10:30. However, it was well worth spending the day with my friends. I enjoyed every moment.
Yesterday was not so fun because of having to clean up and all the stuff I had to do. But, I made it through and it was not so bad.
I'm happy to be back in school. I liked the days off, but it was certainly needed to get back into the swing of things. I'm ready for tomorrow because I need to talk to my friend. I also want to bridge the concept of dating to David as well... but I guess we'll see how life goes. :)
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you,
so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you
are my disciples, if you love one another.
-- John 13:34-35
I was sitting across from my friend, and I remembered I had some news that I had to tell her. I think we were already on the subject of boys, so I say... "I have something I need to tell you." and then "I think you can guess who it's about."
*inquiring look*
"Guess what I did about two weeks ago..."
"Did you ask... or..?"
"Just told."
*Grin*
"And I think you can guess his response..."
*Bigger Grin*
"But we're not...."
"Why not?"
"Well... I have to talk to Melody."
"Oh, yeah."
But it was so funny how I didn't have to say about half of the words and she still got it.
However, after four days off, and then the weekend... I'm glad to be back in school.
Saturday was awesome, I must say. I met my friends at the pizza place at around 11:30, and actually had most of the people there, too! We settled down, ate and had our lovely nerd conversations. Around 12:30 we headed to my house. Two of my friends directed drivers, and one of my friends followed. We watched the 2nd Lord of the Rings (mostly). In the middle of it, another guy (hey, we just tripled the amount of guys from last time - a whopping total of three). He somehow got lost... and so me, and the two other guys stood outside trying to find him. After I got in, I was freezing (I was outside in socks, and a short sleeved shirt. And it was cold outside). So I get my blanket and curl up next to my friend. She and I were lying on each other, had our arms across the other's shoulders and what not the entire time.
Then the DVD glitched so we ended up just talking (like we weren't before). I got ready in the midst of all the talking. I felt... pretty. By this point, it was about time to head over to dinner. So we did, and somehow, four of us manage to get there at the same time. And I stole a good parking spot. We get inside, and I'm thankful to be wearing tights. We wait as the last two people come in, and just have a lot of fun reading the fortunes out of the cookies and adding 'in bed' to the end... because we're highschoolers and that immature. Some of them were just awful...
Anyway. We get back to my house, and watch Kung Fu Panda. I decide to cuddle up with my koala and watch the movie. Once it ends... we just talk and joke until about 9:30 or 10. I, of course, didn't get to sleep until after 10:30. However, it was well worth spending the day with my friends. I enjoyed every moment.
Yesterday was not so fun because of having to clean up and all the stuff I had to do. But, I made it through and it was not so bad.
I'm happy to be back in school. I liked the days off, but it was certainly needed to get back into the swing of things. I'm ready for tomorrow because I need to talk to my friend. I also want to bridge the concept of dating to David as well... but I guess we'll see how life goes. :)
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you,
so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you
are my disciples, if you love one another.
-- John 13:34-35
Wednesday
I have been so bored on my two days off. And we have a two hour delay tomorrow, too. I mean, it's nice not going to school... but I need to see people! I'm going to rejoice and probably hug everyone at least ten times. I don't care how cold it is...
But I hope teachers take it easy, as well. I can feel my mind eroding from disuse so early in the semester.
I also don't want to make these days up at the end of the year.
However, these two days have done wonders for my back. It's either because it's just two more days for it to heal, or because I've actually been nice to it.
If I have another day off (PLEASE DEAR GOD NO) I hope that the roads are nice enough for me to go and see somebody. If not, I'll probably end up editing my NaNo novel (finally).
But alas- it is time for me to go to sleep and hopefully actually go to school tomorrow.
As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
-- Colossians 3:12
But I hope teachers take it easy, as well. I can feel my mind eroding from disuse so early in the semester.
I also don't want to make these days up at the end of the year.
However, these two days have done wonders for my back. It's either because it's just two more days for it to heal, or because I've actually been nice to it.
If I have another day off (PLEASE DEAR GOD NO) I hope that the roads are nice enough for me to go and see somebody. If not, I'll probably end up editing my NaNo novel (finally).
But alas- it is time for me to go to sleep and hopefully actually go to school tomorrow.
As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
-- Colossians 3:12
Sunday
I read things like postsecret and sixbillionsecrets.... and sometimes I wonder if I know any of these people. I used to be able to relate to a lot of them. For once... I'm proud that I don't. However, I still read them because it makes me realize my secrets. My life is an open book, I can be asked any question and I'll answer (most of the time). It's just about asking the right questions.
Sometimes I think about submitting secrets, but then I realize I have no idea how to word them.
Most of my secrets are my fears.
I'm afraid that one day I won't have anything to live for.
I'm afraid that this relationship (or the possible future one) is going to end like my last one. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose another great guy.
Sometimes I wear my "To Write Love On Her Arms" t-shirt as a sign.
I'm amazed that my creative writing teacher doesn't think I'm insane for all the depressing journals I write.
I don't tell my sister anything because I'm afraid she's going to judge me too much.
It's easier for me to talk to my sister's boyfriend because we're much more alike- and I truly believe he knows where I'm coming from. I honestly believe his words when he says he just wants me to try my hardest and do my best. Whereas I think my sister wants me to aim for perfection.
I don't want to be perfect. Perfect is boring. I want to be flawed. I want something interesting about me. Maybe then I'll feel alive.
I miss choir.
I'm afraid of turning out like my sister.
The future scares me.
The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he
does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full
of his unfailing love.
-- Psalm 33:4-5
Sometimes I think about submitting secrets, but then I realize I have no idea how to word them.
Most of my secrets are my fears.
I'm afraid that one day I won't have anything to live for.
I'm afraid that this relationship (or the possible future one) is going to end like my last one. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose another great guy.
Sometimes I wear my "To Write Love On Her Arms" t-shirt as a sign.
I'm amazed that my creative writing teacher doesn't think I'm insane for all the depressing journals I write.
I don't tell my sister anything because I'm afraid she's going to judge me too much.
It's easier for me to talk to my sister's boyfriend because we're much more alike- and I truly believe he knows where I'm coming from. I honestly believe his words when he says he just wants me to try my hardest and do my best. Whereas I think my sister wants me to aim for perfection.
I don't want to be perfect. Perfect is boring. I want to be flawed. I want something interesting about me. Maybe then I'll feel alive.
I miss choir.
I'm afraid of turning out like my sister.
The future scares me.
The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he
does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full
of his unfailing love.
-- Psalm 33:4-5
Friday
I feel awesome today. Well, at least for the latter half of my day. I'm also pretty proud of myself...
Well, lets start with last night. Last night I basically went to sleep crying. (Stupid fight with my sister, not getting into that). And I just felt awful. I woke up, not really wanting to go to school, but I decided I should go and get through it. The morning was OK. I was better than last night, but only just. I was super tired and out of it.
The day went on, and I got a little better. Nothing amazing happened to raise my mood... until 2nd period (sorta). I resolved to do something that I've been meaning to do for awhile. So, I debated on it, realizing that maybe it wasn't such a good idea...
Then lunch came around and at that point, I knew I had too. But, it was SO not the right time.
I was hoping I didn't lose my chance... when the end of school came and I was sitting with my friends outside. I saw David coming and I rejoiced a bit. Chatted with everybody for awhile, and then David said he had to leave.
That was basically my cue. I left with him and said that I needed to tell him something. It was me rambling for a few awkward seconds about how I shouldn't be telling him this, and that I felt awkward, and somewhat awful. Then I just came out with it. Just in a low, sorta mumbled sentence.
Once I said that... I explained that one of our good friends liked him too.
And then comes the shocker (to me, at least).
(paraphrased) "Well, I like Melody, but I think that we're just too good of friends that it'd be sort of... awkward, you know?"... pause.... "But I like you, too... as more than a friend" ('cause I used that exact same phrase when telling him).
At that point I'm like "... really?" And we kinda went on about how this was a first for both of us and how it'll probably be awkward on Monday...
And so we exchanged phone numbers, and decided that we would think about where to go from there. (The answer is obvious; date. But I think it's a little more complicated than that). And, this is the part I keep replaying in my mind. So, we're at his car and I give him a goodbye hug. I have to stand on tip toes normally to give him a proper hug anyway... But this one took it to the extreme. I was on the veeeeery tips of my toes, on the brink of not even touching the ground anymore. But, standing like that with his arms holding me so tight... it just made everything go away.
So now... we wait. We figure this out. We (mostly me) have to figure out how to tell Melody... I still have a nagging feeling of awful, because I basically went completely against what we decided.
But... it makes me ecstatic! I sort of had an inkling of this for awhile now... and I kept trying to push it back, and deny it a bit. However... today proved to me why I shouldn't do that.
Basically, ever since about... 2:40-ish, I've been in an amazing mood. And it's like 6 hours later.
I guess life ISN'T so bad...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is
unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
-- Psalm 130:7
Well, lets start with last night. Last night I basically went to sleep crying. (Stupid fight with my sister, not getting into that). And I just felt awful. I woke up, not really wanting to go to school, but I decided I should go and get through it. The morning was OK. I was better than last night, but only just. I was super tired and out of it.
The day went on, and I got a little better. Nothing amazing happened to raise my mood... until 2nd period (sorta). I resolved to do something that I've been meaning to do for awhile. So, I debated on it, realizing that maybe it wasn't such a good idea...
Then lunch came around and at that point, I knew I had too. But, it was SO not the right time.
I was hoping I didn't lose my chance... when the end of school came and I was sitting with my friends outside. I saw David coming and I rejoiced a bit. Chatted with everybody for awhile, and then David said he had to leave.
That was basically my cue. I left with him and said that I needed to tell him something. It was me rambling for a few awkward seconds about how I shouldn't be telling him this, and that I felt awkward, and somewhat awful. Then I just came out with it. Just in a low, sorta mumbled sentence.
Once I said that... I explained that one of our good friends liked him too.
And then comes the shocker (to me, at least).
(paraphrased) "Well, I like Melody, but I think that we're just too good of friends that it'd be sort of... awkward, you know?"... pause.... "But I like you, too... as more than a friend" ('cause I used that exact same phrase when telling him).
At that point I'm like "... really?" And we kinda went on about how this was a first for both of us and how it'll probably be awkward on Monday...
And so we exchanged phone numbers, and decided that we would think about where to go from there. (The answer is obvious; date. But I think it's a little more complicated than that). And, this is the part I keep replaying in my mind. So, we're at his car and I give him a goodbye hug. I have to stand on tip toes normally to give him a proper hug anyway... But this one took it to the extreme. I was on the veeeeery tips of my toes, on the brink of not even touching the ground anymore. But, standing like that with his arms holding me so tight... it just made everything go away.
So now... we wait. We figure this out. We (mostly me) have to figure out how to tell Melody... I still have a nagging feeling of awful, because I basically went completely against what we decided.
But... it makes me ecstatic! I sort of had an inkling of this for awhile now... and I kept trying to push it back, and deny it a bit. However... today proved to me why I shouldn't do that.
Basically, ever since about... 2:40-ish, I've been in an amazing mood. And it's like 6 hours later.
I guess life ISN'T so bad...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is
unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
-- Psalm 130:7
Monday
I'm hurting.
I thought I could do this... but... it's just not happening. I thought I made the right choice... but I didn't. I can't believe that I just let something like this go. I gave myself a month. At this rate... my heart is going to be stomped into pieces long before then.
It's a stupid thing. I decided this on my own... and I should stick by it. But it's so effin' hard. It's life... but I'm regretting it. I just can't handle it. I'm about ready to suck up all my guts and just say it. But I'm bound by a promise.
This stuff gets worse the more I'm around the problem. I hole it up inside and tell but a few people. Except for the ones that matter most.
Anyhow, tomorrow marks two years since one of the best times of my life started. It's so scary to think that TWO YEARS has gone by. I don't know how time went on so fast... Remembering that time also makes me feel pathetic. Since then... love has faded in and out of my life. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'm going to feel like that once again.
Sure, I've had glimmers of it... but they always fly away. (And for some reason a resonating imagine of a dove flying is in my head).
Standing tall... it gets harder and harder. Some days are worse than others.
But, I have to advertise this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4HpwkJZTSc
I absolutely adore that song right now. I've been listening to it constantly. It's so... sweet and perfect.
As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind
has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
-- 1 Corinthians 2:9
I thought I could do this... but... it's just not happening. I thought I made the right choice... but I didn't. I can't believe that I just let something like this go. I gave myself a month. At this rate... my heart is going to be stomped into pieces long before then.
It's a stupid thing. I decided this on my own... and I should stick by it. But it's so effin' hard. It's life... but I'm regretting it. I just can't handle it. I'm about ready to suck up all my guts and just say it. But I'm bound by a promise.
This stuff gets worse the more I'm around the problem. I hole it up inside and tell but a few people. Except for the ones that matter most.
Anyhow, tomorrow marks two years since one of the best times of my life started. It's so scary to think that TWO YEARS has gone by. I don't know how time went on so fast... Remembering that time also makes me feel pathetic. Since then... love has faded in and out of my life. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'm going to feel like that once again.
Sure, I've had glimmers of it... but they always fly away. (And for some reason a resonating imagine of a dove flying is in my head).
Standing tall... it gets harder and harder. Some days are worse than others.
But, I have to advertise this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4HpwkJZTSc
I absolutely adore that song right now. I've been listening to it constantly. It's so... sweet and perfect.
As it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind
has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
-- 1 Corinthians 2:9
Saturday
I'm not sure if I can even describe the last week. It's been pretty crazy.
Monday I went to church choir practice, and Tuesday I recorded a song with them (in a professional studio) and worked on a chem project. What made me really happy at the studio was that one of the guys there sounded exactly like one of the guys in Criminal Minds.
Wednesday school started again, and I was happy to see everyone. Then I finally decided that I needed to do something. I told my friend that I liked the same guy she did. It turned into an awkward and fairly... long conversation where we didn't really resolve anything. So, we decided to speak to each other in person on Thursday. Which we did, during lunch. I basically gave up my heart, and allowed her to go after him. Once I got home, I was wondering if I did the right thing. Also, work frustrated me to no end. I won't go into that, but lets just say I'm on the hunt for a new job.
Then yesterday. I was in a pretty quiet mood. I was tired and still a bit heart broken. There were some bright points, sure. But for the most part I wasn't very happy. I'm sure most of my friends saw it as a 'end of the first week' kinda thing. But, I can't really bring myself to tell them otherwise.
Today? Today I am happy. I feel like I'm OK. I mean, still not 100% but life goes on. I can deal with this. But, today I also go job hunting. I'm ready. I'm applying to everything I can. I'm fairly excited. I can't wait to actually quit my job. Then I can move onto something else.
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
-- Psalm 14:1
Monday I went to church choir practice, and Tuesday I recorded a song with them (in a professional studio) and worked on a chem project. What made me really happy at the studio was that one of the guys there sounded exactly like one of the guys in Criminal Minds.
Wednesday school started again, and I was happy to see everyone. Then I finally decided that I needed to do something. I told my friend that I liked the same guy she did. It turned into an awkward and fairly... long conversation where we didn't really resolve anything. So, we decided to speak to each other in person on Thursday. Which we did, during lunch. I basically gave up my heart, and allowed her to go after him. Once I got home, I was wondering if I did the right thing. Also, work frustrated me to no end. I won't go into that, but lets just say I'm on the hunt for a new job.
Then yesterday. I was in a pretty quiet mood. I was tired and still a bit heart broken. There were some bright points, sure. But for the most part I wasn't very happy. I'm sure most of my friends saw it as a 'end of the first week' kinda thing. But, I can't really bring myself to tell them otherwise.
Today? Today I am happy. I feel like I'm OK. I mean, still not 100% but life goes on. I can deal with this. But, today I also go job hunting. I'm ready. I'm applying to everything I can. I'm fairly excited. I can't wait to actually quit my job. Then I can move onto something else.
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
-- Psalm 14:1
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